All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[Charms7]

I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kinda fun until we ran out of quarters.
~~~~~
I guess it is more expensive to date these days. The other night the same guy took me out to dinner and asked me what'll I have. I told him, "I guess the steak and lobster." He responded rather quickly with, "Guess again."

[smjohn]

Letter to bank

This 86-year old lady's letter to bank shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1.

To make an appointment to see me, #2.

To query a missing payment, # 3.

To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there, # 4.

To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping, # 5.

To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature, # 6.

To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home, #7.

To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier, # 8.

To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7, # 9.

To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service, # 10.

This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?



Your Humble Client

[maidenbutterfly]

<center><img src="http://bitchcomic.com/Marco_polo.jpg"></center>

[Matticus]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

My kids saw this one.

Parents frustrated with running out of stuff put a note on the fridge that says...

"if we are out of it, tell us"

One of the kids wrote...

"you guys may be a bit weird but you are never out of it!"

^old man new fangled jargon joke

[Tery]

Excellent, smjohn!!

What's a blonde's favorite wine?


Daaaaaaaaaad! I wanna go to Miaaaaami!!

[MadamMack]

An Irishman, A Scotsman & a Brit walk into a bar....
The Bartender sez,
"What is this? Some kind of a Joke?"

[Kim L.]

I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kinda fun until we ran out of quarters.
~~~~~
I guess it is more expensive to date these days. The other night the same guy took me out to dinner and asked me what'll I have. I told him, "I guess the steak and lobster." He responded rather quickly with, "Guess again."

Keep them coming!

[Harley Wench]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bed side every single day One day, he motioned for her
to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my
side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me


--

[Kitten]

A duck walked into a drugstore, sez to the clerk "Ï need a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill!"

ROFL!!

[Kitten]

Hi,

In the same vein -

Why do women get married in white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Long days and pleasant nights

Oh, I couldn't pass this one up John! ROFL!


Why do men get dressed in black?

So they match the oil spot in the driveway!

ha ha ha !!