All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[Out of Order]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking:

'If I'd known she was a virgin,
I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking:

'If I'd known he could still do it,
I'd have taken off my pantyhose....'

[chimpanity]

Haven't posted for over a year but I'm a avid reader of this forum. Finally I have something to post...

My five year old (Almost six - a week away) daughter was talking to her Nana. She is in her "WHY" phase.

Megan - Nana why do you know everything?

Nana - because before you become a Nana you have to learn everything.

Megan - How do you know when you have learned everything?

Nana - Because they give you a test, and only if you pass the test do you get to become a Nana.

Megan thinks about this for a bit.

Megan - So if you fail the test, do you become a Daddy?

My daughter loves me!

[blunthead]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes”, replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are but a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”.

Holmes answers, “Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”.

[Haunted]

Dear Friends,

As we head into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.


I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I can't eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet, or feathers.


Thanks to you I learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


I no longer buy gas anywhere without taking someone along in the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in the back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to the malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.


Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me on the ass!!


And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this email to the next 144,000 people in the next 15 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas of 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this is true because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husbands cousin's best friend's beautician.


Oh, and by the way . . .


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.


Dont' bother taking it off now, it's too late.


P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by email that water splashes over 6 feet out of the toilet.


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
. . . and don't worry!!!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!