Favourite Quotes and Quotations

[mar y sol]

"This is a snakeskin jacket, and for me it's a symbol of my individuality, and my beleif in personal freedom" -Sailor, Wild at Heart

[blunthead]

Rodney Dangerfield vol 2...

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I told my wife the truth: I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent know what we are talking about.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

[RandomMan]

Just read this one the other day...

"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have have the heart of a small boy...and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
S.K.

...if this is a legit quote, I find it hilarious!

[blunthead]

Rodney Dangerfield vol 3...

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

[Becks19]

Of course if you like your kids, if you love them from the moment they begin, you yourself begin all over again, in them and with them.
- William Saroyan

To nourish children and raise them against odds is in any time, any place, more valuable than to fix bolts in cars or design nuclear weapons.
- Marilyn French


Writing is no trouble: you just jot down ideas as they occur to you. The jotting is simplicity itself- it is the occurring which is difficult.
- Stephen Leacock

Blind zeal can only do harm.
- Magnus Gottfried Lichtwer

He who receives a good turn should never forget it; he who does one should never remember it.
- Pierre Charron

Good teaching is 1/4th preparation and 3/4ths theatre.
- Gail Godwin

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; When health is lost, something is lost; When character is lost, all is lost!
- Anonymous

A voice is a human gift; it should be cherished and used, to utter as fully human speech as possible. Powerlessness and silence go together.
- Margaret Atwood

Many have been the wise speeches of fools, though not so many as the foolish speeches of wise men.
- Thomas Fuller

[blunthead]

Rodney Dangerfield vol 4...

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

[Haunted]

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
~ Erica Jong

[Becks19]

There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first... when you learn to live for others, they will live for you.
- Paramahansa Yogananda


Fear imprisons, faith liberates; fear paralyzes, faith empowers; fear disheartens, faith encourages; fear sickens, faith heals; fear makes useless, faith makes serviceable.
- Harry Emerson Fosdick


Once conform, once do what others do because they do it, and a kind of lethargy steals over all the finer senses of the soul.
- Michel de Montaigne


An oak and a reed were arguing about their strength. When a strong wind came up, the reed avoided being uprooted by bending and leaning with the gusts of wind. But the oak stood firm and was torn up by the roots.
- Aesop

For the unlearned, old age is winter; for the learned, it is the season of the harvest.
- Hasidic saying

[blunthead]

Henny Youngman vol 1...

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave it up - they have no holidays.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

[Haunted]

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
~ Chili Davis