The One Constant In Life...Change

[Christopher]

Hello again. Sorry I've been away from SKMB so long. Life, and forgetting my login information, got in the way. Back now. I'm still out and maintaining day by day. Work is a bit better. I have a new client who wants me to refurbish computers for him to sell in his thrift shop. Things are OK with probation and counseling. So all of that is good.
Now to my main point for this post. Just when things were starting to really settle down and come together...bad news. My partner, the person who is helping me the most, was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 3 weeks ago. It started in the right lung and has metastasized into the bones in his neck, spine, pelvis, and right leg. And his right lung is half collapsed. They have given him maybe a year. And have said that palliative care is all they can really do now.
I honestly don't know what to do, or how to deal with this. How do I help him to deal with this? How do I deal with this? Right now, I don't even want to think farther ahead than that. The future is too unclear. Anyhow, I made a promise and a commitment to him, and come Hell or high water, I intend to honor that promise and commitment.
Any advice or help would be so greatly appreciated. Salamat marami. Diyos Pagpalain.

[fushingfeef]

Hi Christopher and welcome back! So sorry to hear about your partner. The best thing you can do for him is be there for him, not to pull away from him, and to talk to him about it--surely it is an enormous weight on his mind as well as yours. Don't act like nothing is wrong, but don't stay artificially upbeat, either. Also, know that neither of you are alone in this. There are some great resources available through the American Cancer Society for the mental as well as physical aspects: http://www.cancer.org/treatment/index

Good luck and don't be a stranger around here, we're here for you to talk to.

[doowopgirl]

Just be the best you you can. Realize that there will be times when both of you want to throw in the towel. Realize that occasional respite will be good for both of you. Most of all, keep the faith and remember how much you love each other. My prayers go out to both of you.

[PatInTheHat]

I honestly don't know what to do, or how to deal with this. How do I help him to deal with this? How do I deal with this? Right now, I don't even want to think farther ahead than that. The future is too unclear. Anyhow, I made a promise and a commitment to him, and come Hell or high water, I intend to honor that promise and commitment.

All natural thoughts & feelings, but trust me here, it most certainly sounds you are dealing with it, that you are doing, you just don't readily realize it because your close to it.
If you know what's in your heart, just keep following it, seems as if in matters such as these it seldom let's ya down, and while not perfect, it truly doesn't have to be, 'cause what your already doing and the commitment you've made, that is perfection personified and makes all the difference in the world, at least that's what I've been told by way so much more smarter folks than I, and it sure seems to be true.
I am so truly sorry you must go through this awful change, and like Fush said, folks are here.

[Spideyman]

Am so sorry to hear this news concerning your partner. Prayers will be said.
Christopher you are dealing with it each and every day- take baby steps, one day at a time. Be thankful for the good days, and be there for the bad ones. You may find you much strong than you think you are. If need be, find a support group in your area. Talking often helps. And many times these groups will give you the needed rest days in the future. You know we are here for you- Love and green lights.

[Christopher]

THANKS It means so much to me that folk listen and understand. The advice given will be taken and applied. I will be posting here updates and seeking support as I need it. I have no problem admitting I am scared, both of what's happening and of what will happen with this. And I worry about probation, counseling, and if my probation will be revoked because of non-compliance due to circumstances beyond my control.

[Moderator]

THANKS It means so much to me that folk listen and understand. The advice given will be taken and applied. I will be posting here updates and seeking support as I need it. I have no problem admitting I am scared, both of what's happening and of what will happen with this. And I worry about probation, counseling, and if my probation will be revoked because of non-compliance due to circumstances beyond my control.

First, I echo what others have so eloquently said here and wish you both the best as you go through this. Do you have a parole officer with whom you can discuss what's going on and see if they can work with you during these extenuating circumstances?

[blunthead]

I think at times like these none of us immediately involved know what to do, sometimes even if we already have experience in it, but that we tend to be fast learners if we are willing to be. As PatHat said you're already doing what you should by being apprehensive about what your job is. Note: apprehensive vs panicking.

I think the first thing, which you're already doing, is, as ff said, to be there. That's all you have to do is be. Listen, love, and care. He needs those things the most and most from you than from anyone else. The next thing may be for you to take advantage of any counselling available. As for medical questions those are for the medical people who should already have made themselves available to you. Keep a list of questions to ask them so when you talk to them you don't forget your questions. Before long you'll be quite used to your partner's medical routine.

Welcome back, keep us posted, and thoughts and prayers, Christopher.

[GNTLGNT]

...hoary old chestnut or not-"one day at a time"....being their for your partner is the ultimate you can do, and let the angels of pallative care bring their quiet grace to the situation...they are a great resource as well...and P.O.'s and counselors will be fair and understanding as long as you spell out what's what....this is a harrowing road, and I won't sugar coat how painful and bad it can and will be at times...but the love is there, as is your committment and that's as close to God's grace as one human can achieve...bless you both and big hugs...

[nygene40]

I've been involved in my 7 year old nephew's cancer nightmare for 2 years now, and all I can say is I am truly sorry that you and your partner are going through this. Believe me, you find wells of strength you never knew you had until you are in the middle of something like this. Search out and make use of the social workers at the hospital where your partner will be going for treatment. In my nephew's case, his Oncologist was a huge help in so many ways, I hope you two end up with someone who is truly compassionate and willing to help you navigate the amazing number of organizations out there who are there to help. Finally, therapy (and I mean the kind where you talk and they listen) is vital. You need someone to hear you out through this process. I wish you both the best.