Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

One Friday morning, a Teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations," said the Teacher, "you may go home early."

The Teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you,but.."
Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!"
"Very good," says the Teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged Teacher said "Oh really Johnny, and who said that?"
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said,

Show Spoiler

"Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

[champ1966]

I went to my local shop recently,and as per usual the checkout girl was quite rude.

I only bought a few items,and the bill only came to £3.03p.I didn't have any change so I got out a £20 note and said sorry.To which the cashier said "Haven't you got anything smaller?That will take all the change I've got in the till"

"Ok I'll pay on my card" I replied.Which just got me another mucky look from the girl

"Cashback?" she grunted

To which I replied

Show Spoiler

"Yes please £16.97p

[kingzeppelin]

21st Century Proverbs Part 1

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn?

"Your future depends on your dreams". So go to sleep.

[kingzeppelin]

21st Century Proverbs Part 2

Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say..........

The wise never marry. And when they marry they become otherwise.

I was born intelligent. Education ruined me.

[blunthead]

October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From the Department of Homeland Security

Terrorists Uncovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid cases 3,172
Enlarged prostates 8,249
Breast implants 59,350
Natural blondes 3

[kingzeppelin]

A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.
And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.
"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"
She allows him to get the camera and take the picture.


Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"
He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.
And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"
"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.
"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

[blunthead]

A young Catholic in good standing, who loved the brethren, especially the infirm in the congregation, decided on Sunday to use his skills with the deaf and stood up front and interpreted the proceedings for them.

Afterward, one of the elders took him aside and said, "We don't do that here. We feel that God is able to get through to them without the help of any man." The young man apologized, then feeling guilty went to the confessional. Inside he said, "Father forgive me for I have signed."

[blunthead]

A young Catholic girl went to the beach. She wore a skimpy bikini. She began to feel uncomfortable at the young men's stares. She also felt she shouldn't blame them since she'd brought the attention on herself.

She went to confessional, sat down and started scratching her private area and sighing.

On the other side the priest asked what he could do for her. She said, "Forgive me Father for I have sand."

[kingzeppelin]

This is alarming!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

[kingzeppelin]

Punography: Part1

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.