Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.


Doctor: "Hi Santa, what seems to be the problem?"
Santa: "Well Doc I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!"

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Doctor:" Well Santa your in luck because I’ve got just the cream for that!"

[blunthead]

The Most Interesting Man in the World

...if he regifted, it would be a much better gift.

[kingzeppelin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper.....

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He sold his soul to Santa?

[kingzeppelin]

It was coming up to Christmas and John asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus.
But John, having just played a vital role in his School Nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus.
John went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.'
But he wasn't very happy when he read it over.
So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.'
He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either.
He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.'
He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach.
After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden.
He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed.
Then he wrote this letter. '

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Dear Jesus, If you want to see your Mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

[Autumn Gust]

What are Santa's helpers called? Subordinate clauses.

[kingzeppelin]

Last year Father Christmas was forced to have an Official from the Aviation Authority check his sleigh to make sure it was airworthy. The Official checked out the sleigh on the ground then sat beside Father Christmas for a Test Flight.
Suddenly Father Christmas noticed that the Official had a revolver in his pocket.
‘What the heck is that for?’ he asked. ‘You’re not a hijacker are you?’
‘No,’ replied the Official.

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‘But we have to see how this craft handles if you lose an engine on take-off.!’

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

[Autumn Gust]

Why does Santa wear pink underwear?

He's a man. He does all of his laundry in one load.

[kingzeppelin]

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly


God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference

[Moderator]

[kingzeppelin]

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.
Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.
There in her hand rested

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a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.