I don't know what happened to the original Joke thread but for those of you who remember the ones I posted usually came from my Auntie Anna, who passed on the 25th...This is one of her last and I hope that you enjoy it.
Marriage or Relationship
With a Significant Other ...
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...
then adopt a dog
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..
..then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ....
..then adopt a cat!
You thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
My condolences, (((Anni))). I'm sure going to miss Auntie Anna's jokes. From all you've said about her over the years, I had the feeling she was one of those people who would light up a room when she entered.
Thank you all very much regarding AA--yes, she was a pistol with a smile as beautiful as our Ms Mod's and when she entered a room, people looked! That's presence!
I did not mean to splash a bummer on the thread, but for my friends here who did remember Auntie and her jokes, I just wanted to share the news.
And she would want us to laugh...
So~~~~ An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!