Jokes

[Spideyman]

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have yo u been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*&^%ing wall."

[nygene40]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light when, suddenly, out of nowhere, a midget Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn on the windshield wipers. That will get rid of this vampire," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouted.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," replied Sister Helen.

So, Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. The vampire screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn paused for a moment then she opened the window and shouted, "That's it... get the **** off our car!"

[fljoe0]

Hollywood Squares:

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q . Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[blunthead]

I have a dog. I named him Pharaoh because in every room he leaves a pyramid. --Rodney Dangerfield

[Brian]

What song does Adel sing on Easter?

Show Spoiler

"ROLLING IN THE PEEPS!"

Of course, that's the latest joke I've made up.

[Spideyman]

Oldie but goodie:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
> >
> >
> > Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
> > chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-
> > out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and
> > have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
> > dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
> > shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
> > I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
> > tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
> > that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets
> > and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> > nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
> > again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
> > was now enthralled with my story.)
> >
> > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
> > dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff
> > a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
> >
> > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
> > was Laughing so hard.
> >
> > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> >
> > MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They
> > have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
> >

[champ1966]

He was a dark horse that

Show Spoiler

Black Beauty

[champ1966]

I had a job in an orange juice factory.I got sacked because

Show Spoiler

I couldn't concentrate

[blunthead]

Dumb Laws

Alabama

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Alaska

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Arizona

Hunting camels is prohibited.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Arkansas

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

California

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Colorado

Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

Connecticut

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You may not educate dogs.

[Haunted]

Oldie but goodie:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
> >
> >
> > Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
> > chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-
> > out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and
> > have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
> > dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
> > shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
> > I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
> > tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
> > that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets
> > and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> > nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
> > again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
> > was now enthralled with my story.)
> >
> > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
> > dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff
> > a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
> >
> > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
> > was Laughing so hard.
> >
> > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> >
> > MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They
> > have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
> >