Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!

[kingzeppelin]

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to their hotel which was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working so they made a plan.
While they climbed the stairs, for the first 200 stories, Tom would crack jokes.
For the second 200 stories Dick would tell a happy story, and for the last 200 Harry would tell a sad story.

They then started up the steps and after 2 hours and 400 floors it was Harry's turn.
He turned to Tom & Dick and said "OK guys, here's my sad story......


I've left the keys downstairs!

[kingzeppelin]

Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars!

Larry and Anna go to the carnival every year and every year Larry says,"Anna can we ride them stunt airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"
Anna always replies, "We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, over hearing says," Every year I hear you say that you want to fly in my airplane, and every year your girl says it`s too expensive. So I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my Loops & Rolls with you two with me, and neither of you say a word, I`ll give you the ride for free."
Anna and Larry discuss it, and decided to take the deal.They take off, and Tom does all of his aerobatics.

As they are landing Tom calls, "Larry I reckoned that you`d say something after that first loop,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," I almost did say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars!

[blunthead]

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mom's."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

[Haunted]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist.. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Anni M]

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...


"I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Anni M]

From my uncle who has taken over the family joke forwards from my dear Aunty Anna


Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to

start on her teeth, he was startled.

Show Spoiler

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."

"I know" she answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"

[kingzeppelin]

Why English Teachers Are Important:
The Words in each note are the same. Only the punctuation is changed...

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you
let me be yours?

Maria

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><><><>


Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have
no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will
you let me be? Yours,

Maria

[kingzeppelin]

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."


From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

[kingzeppelin]

In New York, a taxi driver and a priest died on the same day. Upon arriving in heaven, the priest sees the taxi driver in line right in front of him. The taxi driver is dressed very sloppily in loud clothes. and he sees St. Peter greet him before giving him a silk robe and a golden staff. The taxi driver enters heaven and it's the priest's turn.
St. Peter greets the priest and gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff. Before entering the kingdom of heaven, the priest asks, "Why have I been given things that are made of much less worthy material whereas that taxi driver got stuff made of valuable material.
I spent my life with the church, whereas that taxi driver just drove people around in New York?"

"In heaven, we reward based on results," came the answer.
"While you were preaching, people were sleeping. While he was driving people were praying for their lives."