Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms and spending the night with them.
However the first dwarf is very disappointed by his experience as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he can hear his friend shouting ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?


I couldn't even get on the BED!"

[kingzeppelin]

Spell Checker


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.


Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.


As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.


I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[champ1966]

I was thinking today about when I used to go to school,and how I used to flick my towel at the smaller kids and point at their genitals while laughing.I've just realised

Show Spoiler

that's probably why I got dismissed

[blunthead]

Spell Checker


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.


Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.


As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.


I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Oh no. I can read it!

[kingzeppelin]

A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. She`s 61 but looks good for her age.
On the way back to her house he is thinking to himself mmmm, I bet her daughter is hot, when out of the blue she asks him if he fancies a Sportsmans Double?
"What's that?" he asks, "Its a Mother and Daughter threesome." she says.
"Wow, Yes please!" he says.
So as they go through her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts.......

Mum are you still awake!!!!

[kingzeppelin]

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building.
It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
“This is a nice place, I haven't been here before,” the first guy says.
“Oh really?” the other replies, “it’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks.
“Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” the first guy says.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window.
If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way, that’s impossible,” the first guy replies.
“Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“See, it’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it, I don’t even believe I saw it!,” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again,” and with that, he steps out the window.
He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and again sails back through the window.
“Give it a try, it’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the hell, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says and proceeds to jump out the window.
He falls 10…20…30…40…50…60…70…80…90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.


The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!"

[kingzeppelin]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...but I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologist. And when you ladies have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy.
So it's all our fault because all of women's problems start with MEN!

[kingzeppelin]

Two cannibals, a Father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
After a while, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one."
"No," said the Father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the Father said. "We'd all die of heart attacks from all the fat on that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the Father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your Mother!"

[kingzeppelin]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the Doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
When the Doctor next spoke to Morris he said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'


Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''


The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!'

[Haunted]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity at least for yourself.

1. Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses
on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars..
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.. Don't
Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do
Something, ask If They Want Fries with that..

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3
Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk
and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go
out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order
Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends
You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM,
Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running
towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For
Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Adult Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy
Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF DEPENDS AT
THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER
AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.