Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

A young ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb clown jokes when a clown in the 4th row stands up and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your clown jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype clowns that way?”
“We clowns visit sick children in the hospital. We help make birthday parties fun.”
“It’s guys like you who keep clowns like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as an entertainer.”
“Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only clowns, but anyone who helps children, and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the clown yells,


“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little guy on your knee.”

[Spideyman]

ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only splenda and sugar.)


TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.




THREE


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.


'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


SIX


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[champ1966]

I'm not saying Derry's rough,but the last time I was there someone had put up a big banner saying "HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY"

Show Spoiler

"GRANDMA!!!!"

[kingzeppelin]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says.
"I just need to outrun YOU!"

[danie]

Attachment 15668

[kingzeppelin]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away.

The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three!"

[danie]

You know what you call a cow with no legs?

Show Spoiler

Ground beef.

You know what you call a dog with no legs?

Show Spoiler

You don't. He wouldn't come anyway.

[Pucker]

Young polar bear comes home from school and he asks his mother:

"Mom . . . am I really a polar bear?"

"Of course you are," she says. "Go do your homework!"

Next day, the young one asks his dad:

"Seriously, dad, are we polar bears? You? Me? Us?"

"Of course we are," his father says. "Eat your dinner!"

This goes on for weeks:

"Am I a polar bear?"
"Are we all polar bears?"
"Are both your parents full-blooded polar bears?"
"Do we, in fact, have untainted polar bear blood?"

Until finally the parents ask:

"Why? Why on earth are you so concerned about your polar-bear heritage?"

To which the young polar bear replies:


"Because I am freezing!"

[kingzeppelin]

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.
"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.


"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

[blunthead]