Kids and drugs - to tell or not to tell?

[Srbo]

I have two good friends in Toronto, and they are both good friends with each other as well.
So, last night I called one of them, just to see what`s up and how things are going.
After the initial blah-blah, nothing special, talk about the weather and government, he says that we have a serious problem.
"We? "
" Yes. You and I."
"What the buck is it, man? "
I didn`t get it, we live thousand of klicks away from each other, didn`t even see him in over two years, so how can we have a problem?
So, finally he explain`s what it is :
He noticed that the 15 year old son of our third friend is using. He is not sure what he is using, he knows it`s not alcohol, but it is some substance. Weed, coke, meth, whatever, he can`t tell, but the kid is constantly high on something whenever he sees him. And he is 100% positive that our frined knows nothing about it.
So, yeah, I get it, in some way it is our problem as well.
How do we tell the guy that something is wrong with his kid and do we tell him at all?
" Of course we will tell " says me.
" How do you mean that? He`ll get mad, he`ll get this and that, how would you feel if someone tells you your kid is on drugs, man, I don`t want to ruin our friendship."
" Oh, I suppose if the kid dies, God forbid, you`ll feel better. You did know something was going, but you said nada. That gonna keep our friendship?"
That made him silent for a moment. But, I told him, it would be better if he tells it to our friend, I mean, kinda useless if I call him, from thousands of klicks away and tell him about that.
I don`t think he would even believe me and probably unleash on me for speaking nonsense, how would I know such a thing? And if I tell him our buddy told me, then he would unleash on him and me together for gossiping behind his back.
So, it has to my friend who will tell him.
I suggested that, however strange it sounds, it wouldn`t be bad if he could first find out where the kid is getting his supplies, so in case that it`s a bigger thing, they could catch the dealer as well. Then this friend of mine got mad, yells at me, says he won`t spy on our buddy`s kid and after some more arguing, he actually hung up on me.
So, I guess he`s not going to do any of it.
Well, I think I`m running a great risk of losing both friends, but I don`t see any other option than to call up our buddy myself and explain to him as carefully as I can that something is going on with his kid.
But, what if our first buddy was completely wrong? What if the kid is not on drugs at all? Hard to believe, since I really doubt he my friend would make up such a thing, but it is a possibility. On the other hand, it`s also a possibility that something serious happens to the kid, and if I find that to be the case, and I kept quiet…I don`t think I could live with myself.

So, what would you do, my friends? Ever been in a situation like this?
Or a similar one, lets say you knew your friends kid is a thief, but how do you tell that to your friend? I mean, imagine any scenario where you have to say something bad about your friends kids…how do you do it? And do you do it all, or do you say “ it`s none of my business “ so you can stay friends with the guy/women – with the parents, I mean?

Tell me your experience, if you have had any, please, and even if you didn`t, tell me your opinion.

Thanks.

[labec1130]

I think that if you say this to your friend with love and respect it will end ok. He may get upset with you at first but will more than likely keep a closer eye on his child. If the kid is doing something, then he will discover it and thank you in the future. If the kid is not doing anything and you've done your part respectively than he,(if he is a good friend),will realize you were only concerned because you care and will forgive the mistake. Doing nothing is absolutely the wrong thing and I'm glad your leaning towards the right thing to do. In either case take heart and good luck...

[AngelZ]

Srbo, if your friend isn't "man" enough to tell the friend, I guess it's up to you. And if the father of the son gets offended in some way instead of being appreciative, he's not much of a friend. I think you will feel better about yourself after getting it off your chest. God forbid, something happens to the kid and and the father never knew and had a chance to intervene, how badly will everyone feel?

[Doc Wilson]

No I can say with confidence that I would not rat out the boy just on hearsay from the second friend. The second friend doesn't know enough about drugs to tell a pothead from a methhead, he's just not a reliable enough informant for me to go butting in.

Might be different if I myself caught the kid doing something that would screw up his life. Even then I might choose to talk to the kid first, maybe see if I can get him to initiate the talk with his dad.

[catnoel]

I wonder why your friend brought up the subject in the first place if he wasn't going to do anything about it and then get mad at you for making suggestions!! He prefaced the whole conversation with "We have a problem" but it sounds you got a problem now as your friend has put the ball in your court. I am afraid this is a "no win" situation. You are going to have to go with your conscience. If this guy with the kid is truely your friend, then he will appeciate your position and be grateful you care enough to get involved. If he freaks out and turns on you, then I guess he wasn't much of a friend in the first place. If you don't say anything and the kid dies or gets hurt, well I think you know how you will feel!! Think on if for a while (but not too long). Let us know how it goes either way!!

[Kim L.]

You're right, your friend should be the one to tell the kid's dad, but without trying to find the kid's dealer. He should tell the father what he's observed and let him follow up with his son. Why don't you call your friend back when tempers have cooled a bit and discuss it with him again?

[Bryan James]

Two sets of duplicate anonymous letters to both parents, all mailed three days apart.

Copy the other "friend" with the last mailing.

[Becks19]

" Oh, I suppose if the kid dies, God forbid, you`ll feel better. You did know something was going, but you said nada. That gonna keep our friendship?"

So, what would you do, my friends? Ever been in a situation like this?
Or a similar one, lets say you knew your friends kid is a thief, but how do you tell that to your friend? I mean, imagine any scenario where you have to say something bad about your friends kids…how do you do it? And do you do it all, or do you say “ it`s none of my business “ so you can stay friends with the guy/women – with the parents, I mean?

Tell me your experience, if you have had any, please, and even if you didn`t, tell me your opinion.

Thanks.

Srbo, I have never had this experience( not with a young(er) child) but I will give it a shot. By all means tell your friend, just come right out and say it. ( I find things get harder to say if we beat around the bush) Even if there is a chance that the two of you are wrong; the consequences of not saying anything far outweigh this kid's father getting briefly Peed off if it comes to nothing. Now, if it is a fact that the kid is doing drugs he needs some intervention before it's too late. (I have "unfortunately" too much experience dealing with others addictions and too late comes fast) Another thing, if someone who hears bad news from you "for the sake of his/her family" and no longer wants to be friends with you, then they weren't really a friend at all. I wouldn't think it would come to that....As a parent I would be grateful to you.

[bsymom927]

I think you should inform friend #3 that his kid maybe using. The worst that can happen is friend #3 may not speak to you for a bit, at least not until he learns the truth for himself. Then I'm sure he'll be grateful you stepped in. It's not easy to break bad news to anyone, but the alternative could be much worse. Imagine if you were in his shoes. Would you rather hear it from a friend or find out too late when your kid is either in jail or the morgue? Good luck!

[Gaz_Uk]

difficult one to call- I guess that it up to your other friend to mention it to the one with children,as you haven't witnessed it he has.It's just heresay -I don't understand the "we have a problem stance"Perhaps,when on the phone to your other friend (the one with children) you could get onto teenagers etc.. kids of today etc ,...drugs etc..
bottom line I guess is that if they are a real friend they should stand by you no matter what.
Personally speaking having experienced our youngest teenager suffer a mental breakdown as a result of drug usage it was a long and painful road back to recovery,but every cloud has a silver lining-We are proud that he has turned his life around.
Good luck