I simply can`t escape...

**Srbo** · April 7th, 2010

Most of the story I`m gonna tell you now, you already know. You know why I live in Canada, you know that I fled the Balkans cause it destroyed my soul, cause after the War, I was just a dead man walking and nothing more. For seven years I lived like that, I didnt care, I couldnt care, I don`t think I even knew where i was at all. Everything seemed senseless.
Until I met my darling. She made my life worth living again. If it wasn`t for her, I highly doubt I would be alive today. I`d be dead a long time ago, burried under a rock, grass grew over me, that`s it, end of story.
But I did meet her, thank you God.
Now, you know me by now, as much as you can know somebody over the internet. You know I don`t hate, I am not looking for revenge, to me, everybody is equal, poor, rick, black, white, tellow, green, believer, atheist, whatever I don`t care. As long as you are human, it`s all good with me.
I do come from a Serbian bloodline, and I am dang proud of it, I am a man who will never forget where he came from, respect his ancesstors, teach my kid our language and culture, but I want my kid to be openminded, free spirited, no boundaries, just to be well educatedd and live her life any way she sees fit, not the way I see it fit.
For those reasons, ever since I got here, I mostly avoided Serbian community gatherings. I would go to church, sometimes i would even attend a concert, but I don`t go to Serbian bars, I don`t hang out with my own people, `cause I am really tired of hearing all the stories about war, who was a hero, who wasn`t and so on. especially when they all get drunk. I just can`t listen to that anymore, that`s why I got here in the first place - to frickin get away from that sh!t. But, no matter what i do, i am somehow cursed with that.
I`ve lived in five different cities, three different provinces so far in Canada, and in every frickin city I am the biggest outcast in the Serbian community there is.
When I meet somebody and I think he is a good man, I invite him to come to my place.
15 minutes into being here, the questions would start:
Oh, a lot of american books, wow, look at the Stephen King collection, why don`t you have more books in Serbian?
I have enough for my needs
Wow, look at the CD collection, but all american again,where is your Serbian music?
No, it`s not all american, there are Canadians too, as a matter of fact there is even music from Africa. I do have some Serbian music, like I said, enough for my needs
Oh, okay. Why don`t you hang out with us?
Sorry pal, none of your buisness. I am hanging out here with you, am I not?
And so on and so forth.
So, this supposed friend of mine, who got here first from Ontario and started working the oilfields and who told me to join him, it`s hard work but good money, still lives here. And I thought we are still good friends.
I invited him over last Christmas for dinner, you know, a nice family gathering, since he is married now too and has a baby. The evening went on and on, we stepped onto the balcony to have a smoke and then he says:
Hey, man, your wife has some really nice boobs on her, how come I didn`t notice before?
And no, I didn`t take that as a compliment, you don`t talk like that about somebodys wife. And I knew he didn`t mean it as compliment. I had the urge to actually throw him over the balcony, but I didn`t say a single word, I am done with violence forever, especially not in front of kids or famillies. I just ignored that.
Then he goes: You know, you need to start driving the cab, man, all the Serbs are wondering why you are not doing it. You have the license, you have the permission, yet you sit at home.
Yes, I am at home and you know why. My wife is persuing her carier, her dream job, we can`t afford a babysitter, so i am raising my kid. Simple, I thought you knew that.
I do, but still...man, people are waiting for you to come and ask for the job, you know that Serbs are the majority of cab drivers here, you need to ask them.
Ask them how? Beg for a job? Pay them to get me in there? beg you to put in a good word for me?
I don`t do that, man, I never did that in my life, I want to EARN what I get, i don`t need no favors nor was i asking for one.
So, it`s like that? You are still as stubborn as always?
No, I am not stubborn, I`m just telling you how it is.
But i can put a good word in for you
I know, you just told me, and I don`t won`t you to do it. I want to help my wife, I want to raise my baby, I don`t want a favor from you or any other Serb and that`s it.
"Man, that`s not normal. You can`t let your wife run the show, you gotta man up. We Serbs don`t behave that way.
I know and I don`t give a sh!t how you behave, this is how I behave and back off already, this is getting old.
( to be continued)

**Srbo** · April 7th, 2010

So, after a while they left. Remember that this was Christmas time. Ever since then, I did not recieve one single phone call from wither him or any other dang Serb in this city, nor do I give a damn, that`s all cool with me. I didn`t ask for their company in the first place.
So, on Monday I called a cab, had to go to the hospital for some more tests to be done and when the cab got here, I realised the driver was yet another of my countrymen.
When he saw me, actually I was getting into the cab and when he recognized who i was, we did meet a couple times a few months ago he almost refuse me service.
I was like Why man, why are you telling me you can`t give me a ride?
"Well, look man, it`s nothing personal, I don`t know you that well anyway, but there are stories about you and it`s not good for me to be seen in your company.
What stories?
You have to promise me that you didn`t hear it from me.
I will, go on, tell me the story.
Well, ever since winter and the time you refused to ask us for a job, the story goes that you don`t want to work since you are a heavy alcohloci and a junkie. You also deal dope. You live off the charity that your wife gives you. You are a thief, you smuggle who knows what. You sold yourself to the canadians and Americans, you forgot where you came from. All in all, you are a worthless, but dangerous man, it`s better to stay out of your way.
For a long time a kept starring straight ahead through his windshield. Finally I said:
Do you believe all that ? Of course not. Why not? Cause I know you.
"You know me? No, you don`t. You saw me all in all for 20 minutes in your life, you don`t know me. You are just saying that `cause you are afraid and you want me out your car.
Yes he whispered.
I got out of the car and he drove away.
I sat down on the curb of the sidewalk and cried for a very long time,there was nothing else I could do. Now I don`t know what to do. Now I will obviously never get a job as a cabbie, even when our daughter get a bit bigger and we could rearrange our schedules, figure something out.
It`s time to move,again, but this time, I don`t have the money to do so, I don`t have a job waiting for me somewhere, my health is not the best, that`s why i was going for a cabbie license in the first place, it doesn`t require much physical work, and, once again, I don`t have a friend waiting for me somewhere.
Well, for now, I`ll keep sitting on the curb, talk about my worthless life with my Ka Tet and keep wondering what happened to humanity.
I am very sorry for such a long rant, I`ll understand if you don`t read it through.

Long days, my friends,long days and pleasant nights.

**mstay** · April 7th, 2010

I read every word Srbo. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope that our being here for you will help in some small way. And I hope things will get better for you, soon.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Michelle

**frisbee** · April 7th, 2010

Humanity has many different parts, Srbo. On this board, for example, you are none of the things the cabbie attributed to you.

**Haunted** · April 7th, 2010

I guess for the your fellow countrymen there is safety in numbers and that is why they flock together. And I guess the same ol' stories are told again and again because they have not experienced anything new (even if they are in a new country). They suffer from ethnocentricity. Ethnocentrism is the tendency to believe that one's ethnic or cultural group is centrally important, and that all other groups are measured in relation to one's own. The ethnocentric individual will judge other groups relative to his or her own particular ethnic group or culture, especially with concern to language, behavior, customs, and religion. These ethnic distinctions and sub-divisions serve to define each ethnicity's unique cultural identity.

But you have come further in your adventure and have met the love of your life and you and she have created a beauteous child. You are not only Serb your are Srbo!!

And my DearestHeart, only you can decide whether your life is worthless. Most of us here would decry that judgment soundly.

Things change, I know I keep telling people this, but it is true. When you and your wife want to make a life adjustment there will be other avenues for you to explore. Meantime, you owe allegiance only to yourself and your family.

**LadyPain** · April 7th, 2010

Life can be sh*t sometimes, Srbo. You have us as friends and family. Don't let them grind you down. Yes, your wife is doing an important job by bringing home cash, but your job is raising that beautiful little girl of yours. It's very important to her because it makes you the center of her existence. Don't let the naysayers get you down. Don't let the gossips get you down. That's all they are, a bunch of useless gossips who know how to drive cab.

In my eyes at least, you have the best job because kids are so bloody amazing when they are growing up.

Trust and believe that things will work out for you in other respects, and even if you have crap for countrymen, you still have us, your Ka-tet.

**Sundrop** · April 7th, 2010

Srbo, your life is NOT worthless..... those so-called men who have told lies and judged you are worthless.

I love you, my friend......so do many other people.

Cry on my shoulder anytime you wish.....Lord knows I've cried on yours.....

**fushingfeef** · April 7th, 2010

Sounds like a rough situation, Srbo. It is hard to escape one's past when everyone seems to want to tell you what to do and how you should live your life. I would think in this day and age that no one should care whether you work at home by raising a child, or work in an office, or in a cab, or wherever. After all it is none of their business, but apparently they are making it their business. Can you get away from these people and start establishing relationships with non-judgmental people? Maybe you can find one of those internet "meetup" groups for people in your situation. Surely you are not alone. Also we are always here for you. If you ever found yourself in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, I would welcome you into my home.

And remember, raising a child is an honorable job! Probably one of the most important jobs you will ever have.

**Spideyman** · April 7th, 2010

Srbo, I did read your post through, and thank you for sharing.
You are a good man, husband, father and Tet-Mate. Never let anyone tell you differently. You have seen more than most of us will ever see in our lifetime. You are a survivor. You have not forgotten the face of your father or your homeland. You speak truth.

Have you ever considered these fellow countryman are jealous of what you have done with your life. What you have accomplished- and will in accomplish in the future. You are not stuck in the past- you continue to grow. You are still rooted in your past, but you have also spread your roots to a future generation of lifestyle. Many of us come from European ancestors. Very few stayed entirely to the customs and traditions of our past. Our grandparents/ parents incorporated American ways into our life. This is what you are doing with your family. Canada/ America/ Iceland it does not matter. The timelines merge- the old ways with the new ways.

You are allowing your wife to live her desires. Raising a child is the toughest job around. Be proud of this, Srbo. Who knows what will happens in the future, when it is time for you to work outside of the home. The world changes every day/ life changes in a heartbeat. Live now, enjoy now- let the future be what it will be.

The only one you can control is you- You know you are doing right for yourself and your family. Listen not to what others say. I know that is easier said then done. Just my opinion, but I do think they are jealous of what your have accomplished and your ability to make a new life. And please, do not say your life is worthless. You are important to me and so many on the SKMB. You contribute more than you know.