The darker side of our faith

[Dave Sartin]

Well, as humans, it's only normal to dislike someone with a passion. As Christians we are supposed to love everyone. There is where my problem inlays. My ex fiance cheated on me while we were engaged with my once best friend. I ABSOLOUTLEY DESPISE them with a burning passion in my heart. I wish for horrible things to happen to them. not just for the things they did to me but also for making fun of my beliefs. The once friend tore and marked in a bible and told me he was a christian but not to tell anyone. The ex fiance flirted with my other friends, lied to me, and eventually cheated on me while we were engaged. I really want them to just...(Picture the worst thing possible) to them. It makes me sick to know that they (censored) even though at one time me and her thought we were expecting. (we werent thank the lord.) It also makes me sick that she was jealous of God when I told her I would rather die for him than her. I just need help. I need understanding of this natural and human hatred I have for them. I really don't think I could stop hating them even if i tried my hardest. It says in the bible to forgive. I can't. not them. Anyone else, fine. but them, it just feels impossible. I try and try but I just can't seem to. Any advice? Prayers please?

[FlakeNoir]

My advice to you would be to seek counselling. When things are affecting someone to this extent, then professional help is probably the best course.

[GNTLGNT]

...yeah David, you are a raging ball of confusion, hurt, anger, angst etc. and need to continue to work on yourself...trite though it sounds, love of others is only possible if self-love exists....

[blunthead]

(((((Dave)))))

[Spideyman]

Prayers for inner peace and understanding. (((Dave)))

[Robert Gray]

Well, as humans, it's only normal to dislike someone with a passion.

This isn't supported scientifically. Human beings demonstrate a wide variety of emotional responses. When you say "dislike someone with a passion," I presume you are talking about a lasting dislike, an emotional response of extreme passion that doesn't ebb with time. Believe it or not this isn't the normal reaction. Most people have intense reactions which under normal circumstances fade. In other words, most people get angry and then cool off. They go through stages fairly quickly. Nurture and nature can affect this, however, and some people can't let go because of how they are raised (environmental factors) and some (extremely tiny minority) may have the genetic disposition toward it.

In short, while it is very human for some people to respond as you describe, it isn't the norm. It is also very bad for you. We aren't built for extended, intense emotional angst anymore than we are built to sprint at full speed for extended periods of time. It has long term health issues for you. It is something to seriously consider working on.

There is where my problem inlays. My ex fiance cheated on me while we were engaged with my once best friend. I ABSOLOUTLEY DESPISE them with a burning passion in my heart. I wish for horrible things to happen to them.

Get over it. Intellectually you might still harbor the thought of them snuffing it in a car crash, but emotionally the anger/hate should pass. If it doesn't, the problem lies with you. Let me repeat; this is your problem, not theirs. If this woman was your fiance, you must have loved her once. That should, in time, temper things. I, myself, could be angry (and even hateful) for awhile if this had happened to me, but in the end my feelings for the person would win out.

not just for the things they did to me but also for making fun of my beliefs. The once friend tore and marked in a bible and told me he was a christian but not to tell anyone.

This is just plain weird. If someone cheated on you and broke you heart, none of this nonsense should even REGISTER. A normal response isn't intellectual. It doesn't get angry about them making fun of your beliefs. This makes me question your sincerity to YOURSELF. It sounds to me, armchair psychologist here, that you are more upset about the indignity of it, that they made fun of your beliefs and by extension you. This isn't about love or a broken heart. This is something else. Get over it.

The ex fiance flirted with my other friends, lied to me, and eventually cheated on me while we were engaged. I really want them to just...(Picture the worst thing possible) to them. It makes me sick to know that they (censored) even though at one time me and her thought we were expecting. (we werent thank the lord.)

According to Jesus, a sin in the mind is just as bad as a sin in deed. It sounds like, per your beliefs, you are in deep trouble. It is going to be hard to hear but this kind of reaction is probably symptomatic of you before the problem. It is likely you didn't have that healthy a relationship with your fiance and friend to begin with. What should make you sick (and ashamed) is your own reactions. They are not your problem anymore, but your own soul and beliefs remain with you until the day you die. I think you need to work on getting square with yourself.

It also makes me sick that she was jealous of God when I told her I would rather die for him than her. I just need help. I need understanding of this natural and human hatred I have for them. I really don't think I could stop hating them even if i tried my hardest. It says in the bible to forgive. I can't. not them. Anyone else, fine. but them, it just feels impossible. I try and try but I just can't seem to. Any advice? Prayers please?

The first step is understanding that your reaction isn't the norm. Quit trying to justify it to yourself that it is only natural. If your beliefs were more important to you than your fiance before (when you claim to have loved her) then they should continue to be more important to you (now that you hate). Do you see the disconnect? You set your love for your fiance aside, pushed it to second place for your beliefs before. If you don't wish to be a hypocrite you have to do the same thing now. As before, I think your issue is a personal one. I think this is the sin of Pride and not heartbreak. Everything you say makes it more clear. You are going to have to come to grips with that before you ever let it go.

[Shasta]

1. Stop being Christian. Then you don't have to worry about it.

2. You're too young to be engaged anyway.

[Autumn Gust]

A quote I've applied a time or two to my life is "Living well is the best revenge." Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on. Otherwise, these thoughts will keep eating away at you until you go crazy.

[Todash]

Forgiveness is not something that blooms spontaneously, like a flower in the desert. It is a conscious decision to let go because, among other reasons, the one mostly harmed by carrying around an ever-growing suitcase full of hate and rage is you. Can't you feel it eating​ you?

You CAN forgive. You CAN let go. It IS within your power. You choose not to. Why? I think you are projecting. I think you are living inside a giant defense mechanism. The more you can keep that steam engine of anger fueled, the less you have to really think about yourself. The more you can tell yourself that YOU BEEN DONE WRONG, the less you have to take responsibility for your own self, for your actions that may have contributed to the whole situation. You feel righteously indignant. You wear the white hat; they wear the black hat. You are a blameless victim; they did everything wrong. You are good; they are evil. Do you see how immature that sounds? You seem to be refusing to grow up.

I understand that getting rid of that shield of anger is scary. Feeling like the put-upon victim is a seductive habit, just as addictive (and probably as unhealthy) as smoking two packs a day. Yes, working on ourselves is the hardest work there is. Doing it pays better than anything else, though.

Is being forever angry with other people so important to you that you would give up all possibility of happiness, of joy, of peace? Because you cannot have it both ways. You cannot carry around all this rage and ever expect to be anything but unhappy.

As Robert Gray said, this isn't about them. It is about you. If what you are describing just happened recently, then a short-term feeling of abandonment and fury is probably normal. But it sounds like this was some time ago and that it is something that you are choosing to hang on to.

[Vose]

I agree with a lot of what's said, but I don't think it's helpful for us to make Dave feel like this is his fault or that there's something wrong with him. It seems like we don't have all the pieces of the story that we need to really decide if you're holding on too hard/long to this anger and hate. It's not ok for them to have betrayed your love/friendship in this way, so I think that it is natural for you to feel angry and hateful towards them. I'm glad that you're looking to others for help, though, especially if this feeling is really prolonged. If it's impacting your ability to live and enjoy life and practice your faith then it's a problem that you'll need to deal with. Professional help sounds like a great option, but just opening up and talking to others will help, too. Using music and writing your thoughts down might be another way for you to shed some of those negative feelings. But they WILL fade in time. One day you'll wake up and realize you don't even remember what they look like, and hopefully then you'll be able to forgive. In the meantime, try to focus on things that will heal you - time spent on thinking of how much you hate them is just time lost!