Because my grandmother has reached the clearing at the end of the path. Our family matriarch has departed and I am heavy hearted, it feels as tough someone scooped out my insides...sorry to be morose…it's been a hectic couple of days, trying to get confirmation of her state. I had to make many phone calls and e-mails, finally my cousin in Toronto called me back confirming yes, grandma had passed, she passed shortly after the monsoon hit Taiwan and China.
After the call, I just froze, last night crying to sleep, I thought of all the things we had gone through together, all her memories...granted our relationship was not without it’s difficulties but above all I loved her, I admired and respected her and there will never be another like her.
I will miss her and her stories, the last time I visited her, I spent many evenings at her feet, just listening to her talk and she had great tales, tales that even the greatest of writers could not invent.
She talked about her childhood, about Japanese occupation of China and how she use to smear mud and dirt on her face to make herself digusting so she would avoid getting raped by the Japanese soldiers. She talked about how she would walk two hours through the dangerous roads just to get to school. She painted a picture of a country in chaos, of body parts hanging on tree branches and the stench of blood and of soldiers torturing civilians on the street if they so much as looked at them.
And yet what drove her out of her beloved homeland was not the Japanese occupation but the coming of communism.
Every time I think of a young woman escaping with nothing but the cloth on her back, I am aghast at human resiliance…
I once told her, that I understood her bitterness and anger, I understood how she wanted everything in life, that she wanted to be a doctor, to be journalist and that those dreams were snatched away from her when she got married and had children. And that how hard it must have been for her to live in a men's world and make peace with those fallen dreams, make peace with what was thrust onto her by the old world. A husband and three kids. I understood her yearning to change the face of the world and her desire to be free.
And I will never forget…after I said that, she held my hand, she told me that she loved me. It was the first time she ever said that to me, she wasn't a touchy feely woman and that decleration meant more to me than anything she could ever have given to me. She called me a old soul and said she would not forget my compassion.
Grandma, wherever you are, illuminated in white light, I love you and I want to live, I want to fight, so I could make your dreams come true, I want to continue on your legacy and I don’t care if I get beaten down, I don’t care if other call me foolish, I will strive on till the bittersweet end. And I hope one day, I'll make you proud.
(sorry for the long post, wanted to share my momories of her)
Am so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts will be with you and your family. Hold onto those good memories, and may life bring to you all your desires.
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I am sad....
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