All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[EXISTESS]

We def need a new Joke thread. This is it!
:devil:

[Anni M]

A duck walked into a drugstore, sez to the clerk "Ï need a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill!"

[Anni M]

where did my duck joke go?

gimmee a minute!! :smile2:

[TBlack]

An Irishman, A Scotsman & a Brit walk into a bar....
The Bartender sez,
"What is this? Some kind of a Joke?"

[Anni M]

where did my duck joke go?

gimmee a minute!! :smile2: No, I wasn't ragging ewe, I saw it, then I didn't. This happens a lot!


I know. :-)

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

Woohoo, the first person to post a joke! Oh well, I'd better make them good!

Right, There's two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other 'How do we drive this thing?'

Whats brown and Sticky? - A Stick

Whats Pink and hard? - A pig with a flick-knife!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Why do women have small hands? So they can fit inside cups

Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

[Anni M]

Hey Mod, what's that lil shovel do in your special circle? hehehehehehehe?


To dig the hole I'm putting myself in with the new Board!! :-)

[Anni M]

Woohoo, the first person to post a joke! Oh well, I'd better make them good!

Right, There's two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other 'How do we drive this thing?'

Whats brown and Sticky? - A Stick

Whats Pink and hard? - A pig with a flick-knife!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Why do women have small hands? So they can fit inside cups

Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

[Anni M]

:rofl:Hey Mod, what's that lil shovel do in your special circle? hehehehehehehe?


To dig the hole I'm putting myself in with the new Board!! :-)
:Rofl:

[JohnDalglish]

Woohoo, the first person to post a joke! Oh well, I'd better make them good!

Right, There's two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other 'How do we drive this thing?'

Whats brown and Sticky? - A Stick

Whats Pink and hard? - A pig with a flick-knife!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Why do women have small hands? So they can fit inside cups

Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink


Hi,

In the same vein -

Why do women get married in white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Long days and pleasant nights

[JohnDalglish]

where did my duck joke go?

gimmee a minute!! :smile2:


Hi Anni,

Well, it walked like a duck..................

Long days and pleasant nights

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

Hi,

In the same vein -

Why do women get married in white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Long days and pleasant nights


Ha Ha.

[EXISTESS]

Hi,

In the same vein -

Why do women get married in white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Long days and pleasant nights

Thats right people, mwahahahahaha, keep them coming... :wink2:


I'm listening to SCREAMING LORD SUTCH !!! Singing Don'tcha Don't Know It--holy crap he rocks :wow:


er---more jokes, my friends...I need to find some, too.

:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a

*really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the
next*

*day
she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde,
*
*so
he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and
blow*

*into
the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop
out.*

*So,
the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
*
*started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened So she blew a
*
*little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate
saw*

*her
and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how
the*

*repairman
had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in *
*order
to get all the dents to pop out.*
*The
roommate rolled her eyes and said*


*,
"Duh, like... HELLO!*


*You
need to roll up the windows first."*

This is the crap format in which I receive jokes most of the time...I usually pretty them up for you guys...
:devil:

[Anni M]

Hi Anni,

Well, it walked like a duck..................

Long days and pleasant nights

Don't you just know it... :oops:

[Anni M]

This is the crap format in which I receive jokes most of the time...I usually pretty them up for you guys...

:devil:

And we're very grateful, Ex--------------------- really! :geek:



:biggrin2:

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he appears to have located the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate." To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't. That's just frost on my mustache."

[Cola]

Lmao!!!

:rofl:

[Spideyman]

It's good to see the jokes flowing on the new MB. Great was to start a day. More, please:smile2:

[Charms7]

I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kinda fun until we ran out of quarters.
~~~~~
I guess it is more expensive to date these days. The other night the same guy took me out to dinner and asked me what'll I have. I told him, "I guess the steak and lobster." He responded rather quickly with, "Guess again."

[smjohn]

Letter to bank

This 86-year old lady's letter to bank shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1.

To make an appointment to see me, #2.

To query a missing payment, # 3.

To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there, # 4.

To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping, # 5.

To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature, # 6.

To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home, #7.

To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier, # 8.

To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7, # 9.

To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service, # 10.

This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?



Your Humble Client

[maidenbutterfly]

<center><img src="http://bitchcomic.com/Marco_polo.jpg"></center>

[Matticus]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

My kids saw this one.

Parents frustrated with running out of stuff put a note on the fridge that says...

"if we are out of it, tell us"

One of the kids wrote...

"you guys may be a bit weird but you are never out of it!"

^old man new fangled jargon joke

[Tery]

Excellent, smjohn!! :laugh:

What's a blonde's favorite wine?


Daaaaaaaaaad! I wanna go to Miaaaaami!!

[MadamMack]

An Irishman, A Scotsman & a Brit walk into a bar....
The Bartender sez,
"What is this? Some kind of a Joke?"

:laugh:

[Kim L.]

I was out on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kinda fun until we ran out of quarters.
~~~~~
I guess it is more expensive to date these days. The other night the same guy took me out to dinner and asked me what'll I have. I told him, "I guess the steak and lobster." He responded rather quickly with, "Guess again."

:laugh::laugh:

Keep them coming!

[Harley Wench]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bed side every single day One day, he motioned for her
to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
know what? You have been with me all through the bad
times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my
side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me


--

[Kitten]

A duck walked into a drugstore, sez to the clerk "Ï need a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill!"

ROFL!!:biggrin2:

[Kitten]

Hi,

In the same vein -

Why do women get married in white?

So they match the rest of the kitchen appliances.

Long days and pleasant nights


Oh, I couldn't pass this one up John! ROFL!


Why do men get dressed in black?

So they match the oil spot in the driveway!

ha ha ha !!

[Volic]

How great to have this thread back - thank you Anni!!!
The jokes are soooo funny!!!:biggrin2:

[Charms7]

http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff173/Charms777/one-sly-fox1.jpg

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

Well christmas is on its way so heres a couple of seasonal ones:

How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader bought him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!!!!!!! (One of my personal faves).

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!!

Whats do you get if you eat christmas decorations?
Tinselitis!!

[Charms7]

I joined a Nautilus club to meet men, but these guys are all bulk, like human sequoia trees. This one guy was so dense, he couldn't walk while I was chewing gum. I blew a bubble, and he stubbed his toe!

[Anni M]

How great to have this thread back - thank you Anni!!!
The jokes are soooo funny!!!:biggrin2:

Thank you who? :oops:

:rofl:

hahahahahahahahaha.
Ex sez no problem, Galli :wink2:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

What do the Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people!

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

John, my kid will like that one. Thanks!

[Volic]

I called her your name Anni 'cause I am always thinking of you!!!:blush::love:

[Volic]

Ex, I am so sorry - it was you who started the thread, and you really did a great thing!!!:smile2:

[bookworm101]

Rules to live by this holiday season...
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party
is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them
again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the
corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, your
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO
what a ride!"

Merry Christmas.

[smjohn]

A Little Christmas Cheer

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[smjohn]

THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT

My husband and I had been happily
married (most of the time)
for five years
but hadn't been blessed with a baby.

I decided to do some serious
praying and promised God
that if he would give us a child,
I would be a perfect mother,
love it with all my heart
and raise it with His word
as my guide.

God answered my prayers
and blessed us with a son.

The next year God blessed us
with another son.

The following year,
He blessed us with
yet another son.

The year after that we
were blessed with a daughter.

My husband thought we'd
been blessed right into poverty.
We now had four children,
and the oldest was only
four years old.

I learned never to ask God
for anything unless I meant it
As a minister once told me,
"If you pray for rain,
make sure you carry an umbrella."

I began reading a few verses
of the Bible to the children
each day as they lay in their cribs.

I was off to a good start.
God had entrusted me
with four children and
I didn't want to disappoint Him.

I tried to be patient the day
the children smashed
two dozen eggs on
the kitchen floor searching
for baby chicks.

I tried to be understanding...
when they started a hotel for
homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours
to catch all twenty-three frogs.

When my daughter poured
ketchup all over herself and
rolled up in a blanket to see
how it felt to be a hot dog,
I tried to see the humor
rather than the mess.

In spite of changing over
twenty-five thousand diapers,
never eating a hot meal
and never sleeping for more
than thirty minutes at a time,
I still thank God daily for my children.

While I couldn't keep my promise
to be a perfect mother -
I didn't even come close...
I did keep my promise
to raise them in the Word of God.

I knew I was missing the mark
just a little when I told
my daughter we were going
to church to worship God,
and she wanted to bring
a bar of soap along to
"wash up" Jesus, too.

Something was lost
in the translation when
I explained that
God gave us everlasting life,
and my son thought it was
generous of God to give
us his "last wife."

My proudest moment came
during the children's
Christmas pageant.

My daughter was playing Mary,
two of my sons were shepherds
and my youngest son was a wise man.
This was their moment to shine.

My five-year-old shepherd
had practiced his line,
"We found the babe wrapped
in swaddling clothes."

But he was nervous and said,
"The baby was wrapped
in wrinkled clothes."

My four-year-old "Mary" said,
"That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly.
That's dirty, rotten clothes."

A wrestling match broke out
between Mary and the shepherd
and was stopped by an angel,
who bent her halo and lost
her left wing.

I slouched a little lower
in my seat when Mary
dropped the doll representing
Baby Jesus, and it bounced
down the aisle crying,
"Mama-mama."

Mary grabbed the doll,
wrapped it back up
and held it tightly as
the wise men arrived.

My other son stepped forward
wearing a bathrobe
and a paper crown,
knelt at the manger
and announced,
"We are the three wise men,
and we are bringing gifts
of gold,
common sense
and fur."

The congregation
dissolved into laughter,
and the pageant
got a standing ovation.

"I've never enjoyed a Christmas
program as much as this one,"
laughed the pastor,
wiping tears from his eyes

"For the rest of my life,
I'll never hear the
Christmas story without
thinking of
gold,
common sense
and fur."

"My children are my pride
and my joy and my greatest
blessing," I said as I dug
through my purse for an aspirin.

[bookworm101]

A Little Christmas Cheer

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.



My Dad told me that when I was about 14 I still laugh to myself when I see an Angel on the tree top:biggrin2:

[smjohn]

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'

[smjohn]

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'

[smjohn]

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead'!

[smjohn]

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied, 'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

'I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

[smjohn]

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

[smjohn]

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'

[Cola]

:rofl:

[EXISTESS]

My Dad told me that when I was about 14 I still laugh to myself when I see an Angel on the tree top:biggrin2:

I never tire of that one, either.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

check this out, guys..I don't know who the comedienne is, but LMAO!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d9X8CJkklI&feature=related

[EXISTESS]

Thank you who? :oops:

:rofl:

hahahahahahahahaha.
Ex sez no problem, Galli :wink2:

Anni, don't give our Galli girl a hard time. Not everyone knows that you and me are related, shug. Twinner type 1st cousins like. Yeah, that's it.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People .
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades!
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.


:devil:

[EXISTESS]

I vote we keep all the funnies in here...pictures, lists, All humour. Thoughts? It would be a hell of a laugh and all in one place.
:devil:
Ex

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Great, Ex (he said happily).

And BTW I think you came up with a great name for this thread, draws the eye to it every time.

Long days and pleasant nights

[smjohn]

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a
Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."


12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds
All Day

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
"Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go."

20 was stupid, so I deleted it:)

[Antony butterworth]

Hello fans of the king

John d thats like asking

why did the girl fall off the swing

because she had no arms

[Charms7]

19 things that took me 50 years to learn
by Dave Barry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.

[Charms7]

A Woman's Random Thoughts

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 pounds.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes abandons me completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class for invigorating toning? "Clear as a bell my body said, "listen carefully ... do it and you will die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

[Tery]

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”


So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”


She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the heck are you doing?”


“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.


“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

[Tery]

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer? It has two bytes and no memory.

[Tery]

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.


He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

[Spideyman]

:rofl::rofl: Thanks for all the laughs. You guys are so good at this.

Good idea EX, keep it all in one place.

[mstay]

A Little Christmas Cheer

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::rofl:

[Kim L.]

check this out, guys..I don't know who the comedienne is, but LMAO!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7d9X8CJkklI&feature=related


This always craics me up!

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

This isn't a joke, and it's certainly not a subject for hilarity, although it made me laugh, but -

The Scottish Legal system is overhauling our rape laws at the moment, and the legal commission has made a legal ruling - 'Women who are drunk cannot consent to sex'.

Oh no?

With no disrespect to lawyers (Oh, yeah?), I can't say that's been my experience.

But ladies, if you ever find yourself drunk in Scotland, please remember that you cannot consent to sex!

Yet another 'you couldn't make it up', isn't it?

Long days and pleasant nights



Maybe they now need to define "drunk". :-)

[Charms7]

Great jokes everyone!

Here goes another:

Mom's Dictionary
AMNESIA: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

NOW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

[miamiheat]

A lady goes into a drugstore and approaches the counter. She tells the clerk, :I need a box of condoms." The clerk says, "That'll be $2.99, plus 8 cents for tax."

The lady says, "Oh, is that how they keep those damn things on?"


What do you call a dog with no legs?

Who cares, it isn't going to come anyway.


The man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, "Doctor, I have this terrible problem. Everyone ignores me!"

The doctor says, "NEXT!"

[Volic]

:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[EXISTESS]

GEEK QUIZ

Geek Quiz

1. I have moss growing:

A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:

A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4. I think sheep are:

A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5. The Usenet Oracle is:

A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:

A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7. Bill Gates is:

A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist

8. In general, people:

A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?

9. My friends are:

A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10. My dream vacation is:

A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11. My job prospects are:

A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?


Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.

13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.

7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...

0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello

:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”
LMAO!!!!!
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Insanity Test
http://www.wimp.com/insanity/

[Anni M]

http://www.wimp.com/insanity/

maybe this'll work, Ex.

[Anni M]

LMAO---YES, IT DOES!! :tongue:

[La Belladonna]

17 Things That It Took Me Many Years To Learn

~by Dave Barry, Presidential Contender~


1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full
potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

6. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take
command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

7. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

8. Never lick a steak knife.

9. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

10. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

11. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

12. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

17. Your friends love you anyway.

[bookworm101]

http://www.wimp.com/insanity/

maybe this'll work, Ex.



That scary, just how my husband sounds during sex

[Pale Rider]

An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you think of that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle." "Go on, doc," said the old-timer "Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead in front of him." "That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have been doing the shooting." Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's what I'm getting at."

[Pale Rider]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back, with a long face: “I had to walk home.”

[Firetalion]

A guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for his most expensive drink. The bartender makes up a tripple shot of some really old scotch, and places it in front of him. The man glugs it down in one swallow. The bartender asks the man, "What's the occasion?".

The man responds, "I just had my first BJ". The bartender says, "Let me pour you another then! On the house!". "No thanks", the man replies. "The first one didn't kill the taste..."

[Spideyman]

An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you think of that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle." "Go on, doc," said the old-timer "Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead in front of him." "That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have been doing the shooting." Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's what I'm getting at."



He's Back :smile2:

[Charms7]

Good one, Pale! Keep posting 'em. Glad to see you made the cyber leap. Wonderful new playground here.

[Firetalion]

Hey, EXISTESS, if you could, if you raised the point in your font just a tiny touch... I have a hard time making some of your words out, especially when they're surrounded in those boxes that are put around spoiler buttons. Usually you can just hold down the CTRL button on your keyboard and run your scroll button on your mouse up or down to adjust the size of text on web sites, but it doesn't work in the new message board, where we get to pick our fonts and stuff.

There was a big moron and a little moron on a ledge. One fell off. Which one stayed on?

The little one. (Because he was a Little More-On, lol!)

[Volic]

Thank you friends for your jokes!
Pale Rider, how GREAT to see you here!:biggrin2:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Good to see you again, Pale!
Long days and pleasant nights

[Volic]

There was a big moron and a little moron on a ledge. One fell off. Which one stayed on?

The little one. (Because he was a Little More-On, lol!)[/QUOTE]

If I don't read the spoiler and give the wrong answer, will I be thought of as another moron?:biggrin2::tongue::tongue:

[Charms7]

I feel like such a little moron!
A little more on what, I can't answer...
Yay! I got the hang of the spoiler button at last! I know what you're thinking. What a maroon!

[Cola]

LOL - good one Pale and fT :rofl:

[Anni M]

Hi,

This isn't a joke, and it's certainly not a subject for hilarity, although it made me laugh, but -

The Scottish Legal system is overhauling our rape laws at the moment, and the legal commission has made a legal ruling - 'Women who are drunk cannot consent to sex'.

Oh no?

With no disrespect to lawyers (Oh, yeah?), I can't say that's been my experience.

But ladies, if you ever find yourself drunk in Scotland, please remember that you cannot consent to sex!

Yet another 'you couldn't make it up', isn't it?

Long days and pleasant nights



Maybe they now need to define "drunk". :-)

No KIDDING!!!
So, um yeah what's the cut off point now? Is okay if's she snogging you on a chair all cozy because you're driving her mad with boozey lust (which is fine) Or was she laying on the floor because she just riccocheted off the coffee table, did a face plant on the floor and mumbled " Don't mind if you do!" to all three of you.
:biggrin2: :biggrin2:

Of course, a true gentleman would NEVER take advantage of an overly inebriated woman if she wasn't into it.

[bookworm101]

Hi,

Good to see you again, Pale!
Long days and pleasant nights



Ditto, started forming a search party.

[udontlooklykacarny]

"Santa! Have you lost weight?"
"Mrs. Claus! You're looking very pretty today!"
"Hey Elves! Your toys look GREAT this year!"
-Larry the Brown Nosed reindeer

BTW-Good to see ya Pale! Did ya' notice Angry Beaver's back too? Pistols at dawn?

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

The legal definition of 'drunk' in this context is the same as the DUI limit, two small whiskies or one pint of beer, basically.

After which, apparently, a woman loses the right to decide 'if she was/wasn't into it'.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Charms7]

PMS:

During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Bethlehem."

[Volic]

:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[udontlooklykacarny]

Oh Charms!!!!!!!
ROFLMAOPIP!!!! Last year, in the stockings, I gave my Bobby what he really needed-batteries for his remote! He gave me what I really needed-a little bottle of cognac and a BIG bottle of St. John's Wort!
Carny

[smjohn]

A guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for his most expensive drink. The bartender makes up a tripple shot of some really old scotch, and places it in front of him. The man glugs it down in one swallow. The bartender asks the man, "What's the occasion?".

The man responds, "I just had my first BJ". The bartender says, "Let me pour you another then! On the house!". "No thanks", the man replies. "The first one didn't kill the taste..."

Eeeewwww, FT:smile2: Funny, though:laugh::rofl:

[Pale Rider]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked his sergeant what this animal was for. The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me." After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."

[MadamMack]

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”


So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”


She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the heck are you doing?”


“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.


“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

:rofl:

[bookworm101]

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his first day there he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied up at the back of the barracks. He asked his sergeant what this animal was for. The sergeant replied, "Well, sir, we're a fair distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain thinks about this, and says, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I suppose it's all right with me." After he has been at the fort for about six months, the captain became very frustrated himself. Finally he could stand it no longer and so he told his sergeant, "Bring in the camel!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain then got a foot stool and began to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfied, and was buttoning his pants up, he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The sergeant replied, "Well, no sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."


:biggrin2:ROFLMAO:rofl:

[Pale Rider]

A young journalist gets a job at a provincial newspaper in the middle of the prairies. His first assignment was to write a human-interest story. Driving through the cornfields, he spied an old farm-hand and introduced himself.
"Out here in the middle of nowhere - has anything ever happened that made you happy?". "Yup!" he exclaimed, suddenly. "One time my neighbour's daughter, got lost. So we formed a posse, we eventually found her. After we all screwed her, we took her home."
The young journo blanched. "I can't print that!". "Has anything else happened?" The farmer thought again. "Yeah!" he said. "One of my neighbour's sheep got lost. We found it and all screwed it before we took it back home."
"Christ!" yelled the young man. "I can't print that either!". "OK - has anything around here that made you particularly sad?"
The old man looked at the ground. "Well," he said sheepishly. "I got lost, once."

[Ayla]

Four emo's are in a car. the car goes over a cliff and they all die. Whats the tragedy?

http://i182.photobucket.com/albums/x271/yeahdude_album/emolikegirls-1.jpg


A car seats 5.

:biggrin2:

[Volic]

I feel like such a little moron!
A little more on what, I can't answer...
Yay! I got the hang of the spoiler button at last! I know what you're thinking. What a maroon!

Charms, I haven't got the hang of it yet!!!:biggrin2::biggrin2:
http://th115.photobucket.com/albums/n287/SwabBe/Emoticons/th_068ac648.png

[La Belladonna]

Four emo's are in a car. the car goes over a cliff and they all die. Whats the tragedy?

http://i182.photobucket.com/albums/x271/yeahdude_album/emolikegirls-1.jpg


A car seats 5.

:biggrin2:



That is AWESOME!!!!


I'm sending it on to my teenage daughter who has a Happy Bunny poster on her wall along those same lines....

Emo = whiner

[Charms7]

Galli, What I do when I use the spoiler button is start my message, then click on the "Go Advanced" button below. Then, highlight the words I want in the spoiler and click on that red button with the minus sign ( - ) above. It may not be per instructions, but it works for me. Then I click on the "Preview Post" button to make sure I did it right and that it works. I still have to figure out what the rest of them do. I understand some, not all. Not yet.

[Kim L.]

Charms7, you're not a maroon! Or a moron either. But perhaps you're a macaroon? yummy Christmas cookie

[Anni M]

Hi,

Good to see you again, Pale!
Long days and pleasant nights

YOWZA!! Welcome home, Gavin !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :love:

[Anni M]

That scary, just how my husband sounds during sex
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :biggrin2:

[La Belladonna]

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!" There are 6
floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand
it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help
with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
6th floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

[Kitten]

SM JOHN! That was a good one! It reminds me of when I called the cable company to talk to someone in person so I could PAY MY BILL over the phone. They charged me $1.99 customer service fee! Can you believe that? :b

[mstay]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

[mstay]

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
:D

[mstay]

PMS:

During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Bethlehem."

:rofl: :glare:

[Volic]

I'll have to try it Charms.:wink2:
Thank you!!!

[Volic]

Charms7, you're not a maroon! Or a moron either. But perhaps you're a macaroon? yummy Christmas cookie
:biggrin2::wink2::biggrin2:

[Volic]

La Belladonna, that's priceless!:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Pale Rider]

"Santa! Have you lost weight?"
"Mrs. Claus! You're looking very pretty today!"
"Hey Elves! Your toys look GREAT this year!"
-Larry the Brown Nosed reindeer

BTW-Good to see ya Pale! Did ya' notice Angry Beaver's back too? Pistols at dawn?

Hi Carny

No can do on the pistols at dawn - I just don't have it in me anymore!

[Pale Rider]

YOWZA!! Welcome home, Gavin !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :love:

Thanks Anni

[smjohn]

Philosophy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

[smjohn]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

[smjohn]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

[Volic]

Gavin, you and this thread are unique!!!:biggrin2:

[La Belladonna]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."



"I have a better idea, " she replied. "Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.


"Good," she replied... "Get your own damn blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

[Pale Rider]

:blush:

Gavin, you and this thread are unique!!!:biggrin2:

[bookworm101]

How To Shower Like A Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


How To Shower Like A Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Wash your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee (in the shower)

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your shampoo Mohawk.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, say "Yeah baby!" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[EXISTESS]

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you
wanna Hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that
you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,



"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

:devil:
Ex

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Seasonal one.

The three wise men arrive at the stable to see the child.

One of the wise men is rather tall, and as he bends to enter, he bangs his head on the door frame and says 'Jesus Christ!'

Joseph says 'Quick Mary, write that down, it's much better than 'Derek''.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Firetalion]

This famous genetic scientist dies. He goes before the pearly gates. Many people waiting. He goes up to St. Peter and demands to see God. St. Peter gets God on the line, God says to send him right over.
In a flash, the scientist is in front of The Almighty. He waves his finger at God, and says, "You know, we people don't need you anymore, God. We can do lots of great things now, like genetic manipulation. We can determine the sex, eye color, virtually any aspect of the child!" God thinks about that a minute, and says, "Ok, I see your point. Are you a betting man?" Nervously, the cocky scientist says, "Well sure. What's the bet?" God says, "I'm going to show you how I first created man. Then, I'm going to ask you to do it too. If you can, I'll admit you to Heaven. If not...." and God looks downward. "Easy" says the scientist. "I've done this a hundred times." God reaches down, grabs some clay, squeezes it, unfolds his hand, and there is a man. "Your turn" says God. The scientist thinks this is going to be a cinch. He reaches down, grabs some clay -
"Uh, no, get your own clay" God says.

lawlz!

[Volic]

:biggrin2::biggrin2::tongue:

[Tery]

You know that it had to be Three Wise MEN. Because if it had been Three Wise WOMEN, they wouldn't have got lost and would have brought practical gifts.

[Charms7]

There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one knows how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.

[Charms7]

Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife stormed in in a fury and left in a daze, then returned in a dither and sashayed out in a whirl.

http://th150.photobucket.com/albums/s85/MyVengefulRomance/th_DUCK.gif

[Anni M]

Did you hear about the man who left in a huff and returned in a jiffy? Another day, he arrived in a tizzy and left in a snit. His wife stormed in in a fury and left in a daze, then returned in a dither and sashayed out in a whirl.


http://th150.photobucket.com/albums/s85/MyVengefulRomance/th_DUCK.gif

LOL...love that little chickie!

[Anni M]

Another Jew Joke thanks to Auntie Anna from Arizona--- I need to put her picture up somewhere...she is so lovely. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_1_201.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm860YYCA)

Anyway:

Abe has a job that takes him everywhere and he frequently has problems finding a synagogue in some of the towns, so he figures G~d is everywhere and so he decides to go into Church to worship.

He takes out the Tallis puts on his kippah and proceeds to pray.

The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services, and having heard the whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non Catholics please leave."

Abe goes right on praying.

Next request: "Will all non Catholics please leave."

Nobody moves. Nobody responds.

Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave!"

At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off his kippah and puts it away.

Then he goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says the immortal words:

"Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore”








http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb097&pp=ZCxdm860YYCA (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb097_ZCxdm860YYCA&utm_id=7925)

[Spideyman]

Anni, please thank your Aunt Anna for that joke. It's so good!

[Whitey Appleseed]

I came up with one. This is based on true life experience. I'm a carpenter, so I thought I'd tell a joke about a brick mason. There was this brick mason and I was his apprentice. This dude never failed to calculate exactly what he needed, chimneys, fireplaces, you name it, he had it down to a science. We'd do the job and he never, and I mean, NEVER, had any leftover brick. He was a Master Mason. Dude was unbelievable. And then one day, we were doing a job, a fireplace I believe it was, going along good, me mixing, fetching, watching as the column grew. And, when it was over, he had one brick left. You know what he did with it?...drum roll please...he threw it away! ROFLOL! Ain't that a hoot! (Let me know what ya think>)

[Kim L.]

[QUOTE=smjohn;95006]Philosophy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
19) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
QUOTE]

Some people NEVER learn this one.:eek2:

[Charms7]

I love your emoticon, Anni! The joke's cute, too. Sad in a way, but cute.

[Anni M]

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/8/8_6_40.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm860YYCA)
Thanks Spidey ( I will--she was Grandma Bulloch's baby sister, btw)and Thank you Charms.

Charms, install Smiley Central and you'll http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/28/28_4_12.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZCxdm860YYCA)
have 1000s of these. Plus the neat thing is you don't have to load them...click on your emoticon of choice and it appears right on here!


OOO, Aunty Anna just sent me something...better check. It might be another Jew Joke! LOL :biggrin2:





http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb098&pp=ZCxdm860YYCA (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb098_ZCxdm860YYCA&utm_id=7926)

[Anni M]

Not a J-Joke, but cute anyway :biggrin2: :



She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter
as she'd done many times before. After she applied
her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet
paper good-bye!"

#####

My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I
told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did
you start at 1?"

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warn ings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old
say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide- eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, "I sure w ish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"

#####

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

#####

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her; I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some
of these yourself!"

#####

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside
to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did , Billy whispered, " It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

#####

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine
says I'm four to six."

#####

A second grader came home from school and said to
her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned
how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried
to keep her cool. "That's intere sting," she said,
"how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change
'y ' to ' i' and add 'es'."

#####
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public
servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the
ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy conf idently. "It means
carrying a child."

#####

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station
wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck
was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing
the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They
use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

[Anni M]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea, " she replied. "Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.


"Good," she replied... "Get your own damn blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...LOVE IT! :biggrin2:

[JohnDalglish]

This famous genetic scientist dies. He goes before the pearly gates. Many people waiting. He goes up to St. Peter and demands to see God. St. Peter gets God on the line, God says to send him right over.
In a flash, the scientist is in front of The Almighty. He waves his finger at God, and says, "You know, we people don't need you anymore, God. We can do lots of great things now, like genetic manipulation. We can determine the sex, eye color, virtually any aspect of the child!" God thinks about that a minute, and says, "Ok, I see your point. Are you a betting man?" Nervously, the cocky scientist says, "Well sure. What's the bet?" God says, "I'm going to show you how I first created man. Then, I'm going to ask you to do it too. If you can, I'll admit you to Heaven. If not...." and God looks downward. "Easy" says the scientist. "I've done this a hundred times." God reaches down, grabs some clay, squeezes it, unfolds his hand, and there is a man. "Your turn" says God. The scientist thinks this is going to be a cinch. He reaches down, grabs some clay -
"Uh, no, get your own clay" God says.

lawlz!

Hi,

Great story, FT, and pretty profound for a joke.

It reminds me a little of a quote from some scientist or other that I read recently -

'In order to create the perfect lemon meringue pie, first of all you must start with the Big Bang'.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Firetalion]

What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?


There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
http://www.shelterpub.com/_skidmarks/skid_p9.gif

[smjohn]

[QUOTE=smjohn;95006]Philosophy

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
19) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
QUOTE]

Some people NEVER learn this one.:eek2:


That is so true:) A lady that USED to work in our office used to wear a black bra with a white shirt.

[Gelata]

Hi,



[QUOTE]The three wise men arrive at the stable to see the child.

One of the wise men is rather tall, and as he bends to enter, he bangs his head on the door frame and says 'Jesus Christ!'

Joseph says 'Quick Mary, write that down, it's much better than 'Derek''.
:rofl:
I love that one!

This thread is great. I love jokes, so I'm trying to translate a Spanish one for you:

A man is sitting at home and then the telephone rings:
-Hello?
And a deep, slow voice says,
-Look, I can speak!
-So what? I can speak too!
-Yes, but I'm a cow.

[alighieri217]

A Cannibal passes his brother in the woods

[udontlooklykacarny]

A Cannibal passes his brother in the woods:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:Took me a second!
Carny

[blackandgoldbutterfly]

santa clause got arrested..
he went before the judge..
he took the stand the lawyer said santa?
is it true you called that lady over there a ho 3 times?

[Cola]

A Cannibal passes his brother in the woods

:rofl:

[Charms7]

These were excellent. Thankee, everyone!

[Ayla]

Tori Spelling walks into a bar. The bartender says............

"Why the long face?"

:laugh:

[smjohn]

A Cannibal passes his brother in the woods


It took me a second, but now I get it:rofl:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpgAn Aunty Anna Classic:

An old,tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?




http://farm1.static.flickr.com/73/231315901_e0d09b8f20.jpg

[Kim L.]

[quote=Anni M;96255]Not a J-Joke, but cute anyway :biggrin2: :



[color=black][FONT='Arial', 'sans-serif']She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter
as she'd done many times before. After she applied
her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet
paper good-bye!"

#####

My young grandson called the other day to wish me
Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I
told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did
you start at 1?"

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a
grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy
blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warn ings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old
say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter
what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire;
it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide- eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, "I sure w ish I'd gotten to know
you sooner!"

#####

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

#####

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her; I would point
out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some
of these yourself!"

#####

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation
cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside
to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I
did , Billy whispered, " It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

#####

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine
says I'm four to six."

#####

A second grader came home from school and said to
her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned
how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried
to keep her cool. "That's intere sting," she said,
"how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change
'y ' to ' i' and add 'es'."

:D:D;):biggrin2:

[Kim L.]

[QUOTE=Kim L.;96003]


That is so true:) A lady that USED to work in our office used to wear a black bra with a white shirt.

Was it in the 1980s? It used to be a fashion statement, although admittedly more of a fashion hiccup.

[Kim L.]

[QUOTE=Anni M;96865]http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpgAn Aunty Anna Classic:

Is this a picture of your Aunty Anna?
:love:

[Charms7]

Damn Skippy!

http://th108.photobucket.com/albums/n16/lolCOOKIElol/th_orangeface.jpg

[JohnDalglish]

[QUOTE=smjohn;96378]

Was it in the 1980s? It used to be a fashion statement, although admittedly more of a fashion hiccup.

Hi,

What you might call 'a storm in a C cup', perhaps?

Long days and pleasant nights

[EXISTESS]

[quote=Kim L.;96003]


That is so true:) A lady that USED to work in our office used to wear a black bra with a white shirt.

OMG, Tackeeeee!!!!!
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Subject: Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler




December 8 6:00 PM


It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!



December 9


We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!


December 12


The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14


Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.

end of part one

[EXISTESS]

part 2

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16


Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.



December 17


Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20


Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.



December 22


Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
******* is lying.



December 23


Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.

[EXISTESS]

part 3

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.



December 25


Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26


Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27


Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28


Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!



December 29


10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30


Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.



December 31


I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.



January 8


Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?



End of Part 3
:devil:
Ex

[Anni M]

[quote=Anni M;96865]http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
An Aunty Anna Classic:

Is this a picture of your Aunty Anna?
:love:

Yup, there she is...still so beautiful, even at 80. She's Grandma's baby sis.
:love: I think I'll put up this pic when I post her jokes, instead of always saying "From Aunty Anna in Arizona" ! Lol Ya'll know her now! :smile2:

[Kim L.]

[QUOTE=Kim L.;97422]

Hi,

What you might call 'a storm in a C cup', perhaps?

Long days and pleasant nights

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[cleon02]

What's black, white, and red all over? Why a bloody Panda, of course!

[Gelata]

A woman comes home and the husband asks:
-Where did you go?
-To the beauty center.
-Oh, and it was closed... :biggrin2:

[TBlack]

What's black, white, and red all over? Why a bloody Panda, of course!
What's Red & Green & goes 90 miles an hour?

A Frog...in a blender!

[Spideyman]

A woman comes home and the husband asks:
-Where did you go?
-To the beauty center.
-Oh, and it was closed... :biggrin2:




Gelata, I like your joke:smile2:

[Anni M]

What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down the stairs.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogy into it. :biggrin2:

[Charms7]

I think hell will be whatever you conceive it to be. Unfortunately, I’ve come face-to-face with mine; to be sentenced to the Stairmaster ring of Dante’s Inferno. Stairmaster time is the slowest increment of time known to man. The only music I’ll get is Michael Bolton, karaoke-style from a drunken secretary on Margarita Night.

[Charms7]

Columbus is the guy who, except for the Indians, the Vikings, the Egyptians, and possibly the space aliens, discovered America.

[Charms7]

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

[Anni M]

A woman comes home and the husband asks:
-Where did you go?
-To the beauty center.
-Oh, and it was closed... :biggrin2:
HAHAHAHAHA! :laugh:

[Volic]

What's black and white and black and white and black and white?
A nun rolling down the stairs.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogy into it. :biggrin2:

http://i.smiles2k.net/lol_smiles/roflmao.gif http://gsmnet.ru/anime/B163.gif

[Charms7]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t207/tiger42674/stephenkingdinner.gif

[Cola]

:rofl:

[JohnDalglish]

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

Hi,

Good point, Charms; can't argue with that!

Long days and pleasant nights

[Charms7]

http://th162.photobucket.com/albums/t271/tyty1_2007/th_jokes.jpg

[Anni M]

http://i.smiles2k.net/lol_smiles/roflmao.gifhttp://gsmnet.ru/anime/B163.gif

:biggrin2::biggrin2:
I know, I know...a little corny, but Ben Told me these and I had to share!

[Cola]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t207/tiger42674/stephenkingdinner.gif

:rofl:

[smjohn]

'Lizard Birth'

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a l itter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

[Anni M]

:rofl:

Very Snort Worthy!! :biggrin2:

[Kim L.]

'Lizard Birth'

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a l itter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

OMG!! :biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2::laugh::laugh::blush :

[Gelata]

A man goes to the doctor to get the results of some tests.
-Well, we have come to the conclusion that you've got Robertson's disease.
-Oh, is it serious, doctor?
-We're not sure yet, Mr Robertson.

[Moderator]

A man goes to the doctor to get the results of some tests.
-Well, we have come to the conclusion that you've got Robertson's disease.
-Oh, is it serious, doctor?
-We're not sure yet, Mr Robertson.


:biggrin2:

[Spideyman]

smjohn:blush::blush:

Gelata:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2007/2162646004_3c11840ea8.jpg

[Anni M]

:love: Triple Scoop
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2347/2161844915_3326e89655.jpg

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg an AA Classic...


Bowling Tournament
Two bowling teams, one, all blondes, one, all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City .

The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team, down below, is whooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and decides to investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, and with white knuckles, clutching the seats in front of them.

"Whats going on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"

"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

[Anni M]

Damn Skippy!



http://th108.photobucket.com/albums/n16/lolCOOKIElol/th_orangeface.jpg


heehee


http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2014/2106883068_90c3d55ffe.jpg

[Cola]

:rofl:

[Patricia A]

I found these on the internet and thought you all might get a kick out of it.
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

[Anni M]

Pat A*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***

I'm scared...someone hold me... :eek2:

[Cola]

Pat A

I'm scared...someone hold me... :eek2:


((((((((((((((((((Anni))))))))))))))))

[udontlooklykacarny]

Patrica!!!!!!:love: THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
The one about the motorhome was priceless considering I,recently, have been the victim of siphon thieves! My car not my 5th wheel but knowing what goes in those tanks.........LMAO!!!!
Carny

[Spideyman]

Patrica.. so true, so true:blush::blush::oops:

[smjohn]

Two priests:
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them a clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde, in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but we have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are? She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

[Anni M]

These are all super, smjohn, Gelata, Charms, Patricia...where's Gav, tho? He can't just post a few then disappear!!! :oo: :biggrin2:

[chimpanity]

A guy is walking down the street when he see a dog licking its balls. "I sure wish I could do that" he says to the owner....The owner considers this for a second and replies "well shouldn't you at least pet him first?"

[Cola]

Two priests:
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them a clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde, in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but we have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are? She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

:rofl:

[Cola]

A guy is walking down the street when he see a dog licking its balls. "I sure wish I could do that" he says to the owner....The owner considers this for a second and replies "well shouldn't you at least pet him first?"

ew - funny and disturbing - my kinda joke!! :D

[Spideyman]

Two priests:
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them a clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde, in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but we have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are? She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."



that's so gooood.

[Anni M]

((((((((((((((((((Anni))))))))))))))))

fank ewe... :love: better now!

[EXISTESS]

Hey, EXISTESS, if you could, if you raised the point in your font just a tiny touch... I have a hard time making some of your words out, especially when they're surrounded in those boxes that are put around spoiler buttons. Usually you can just hold down the CTRL button on your keyboard and run your scroll button on your mouse up or down to adjust the size of text on web sites, but it doesn't work in the new message board, where we get to pick our fonts and stuff.

There was a big moron and a little moron on a ledge. One fell off. Which one stayed on?

The little one. (Because he was a Little More-On, lol!) LOL I love that joke.
Joey there isn't much I can do about the font in the spoilers, but just for you, my man, I'll up my main font a titch.
Say "Thank you Ex!" :wink2:
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Now it looks too big, Joey...the things I do for you!
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"

said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what

I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk"

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
:devil:
Ex

[Volic]

Thank you friends for the jokes!!!:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Charms7]

These are great. Most recently, those from smjohn, chimpanity and ex. Thank you!
http://th104.photobucket.com/albums/m180/blurom/Comments/Laughter/th_sayLaughter05.gif

[chimpanity]

A guy is standing in line at his local supermarket, when he looks at the what the lady in front of him is buying (top raman, single serving mac and cheese)
"SINGLE EH?" the guys says. "How diid you know" she replies "is it the single servings?".......to this he replies "nah, its cause you freakin ugly"

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

An AA Classique`

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's the end of the line up!"

[Patricia A]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

An AA Classique`

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's the end of the line up!"

LOL. That reminds me of a thing my Dr. told me. I was all nervous about having to see a GYN, hate that stuff. And I told him I thought that I'd rather have a female GYN because I was suspicious about a man's motivation behind becoming a GYN in the first place. He told me not to worry because if the man went into the field with less than honorable intentions that he would most likely be disappointed in a hurry and find a new specialty, he said "yea if he expects his patients are all going to be variations of Pam Anderson and finds out that most of them are variations of Aunt Bea, they tend to move on."

[Volic]

:biggrin2::biggrin2: Anni, Patricia and chimpanity!!!:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Anni M]

LOL. That reminds me of a thing my Dr. told me. I was all nervous about having to see a GYN, hate that stuff. And I told him I thought that I'd rather have a female GYN because I was suspicious about a man's motivation behind becoming a GYN in the first place. He told me not to worry because if the man went into the field with less than honorable intentions that he would most likely be disappointed in a hurry and find a new specialty, he said "yea if he expects his patients are all going to be variations of Pam Anderson and finds out that most of them are variations of Aunt Bea, they tend to move on."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! :rofl:

[Spideyman]

Keep them coming, folks!:smile2:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

A German Shepherd and a dachshund are trudging through the snow.

The German Shepherd turns to the dachshund and says, 'God, my feet are cold'.

The dachshund replies, 'Your FEET are cold!!!'

Long days and pleasant nights

[Cola]

Hi,

A German Shepherd and a dachshund are trudging through the snow.

The German Shepherd turns to the dachshund and says, 'God, my feet are cold'.

The dachshund replies, 'Your FEET are cold!!!'

Long days and pleasant nights

:rofl:

[mstay]

:rofl:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg AAClassic

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered! "Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

[Anni M]

:rofl:

Snort worthy, very snort worthy... :rofl:

[Kim L.]

LOL. That reminds me of a thing my Dr. told me. I was all nervous about having to see a GYN, hate that stuff. And I told him I thought that I'd rather have a female GYN because I was suspicious about a man's motivation behind becoming a GYN in the first place. He told me not to worry because if the man went into the field with less than honorable intentions that he would most likely be disappointed in a hurry and find a new specialty, he said "yea if he expects his patients are all going to be variations of Pam Anderson and finds out that most of them are variations of Aunt Bea, they tend to move on."


You'd get tired of looking at one thing all day long, believe me.

[Patricia A]

How do you make Pickle Bread?
With Dill Dough!

[chimpanity]

Why did the Chicken cross the road...?

To beat up the guy telling jokes about him....




Knock Knock....whos there.....Nobody......Nobody Who.....................

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg






Oy vey, this is total meshuga with the plotzing over the word plotz...Do you haimish goyim have the chutzpah to learn a bit of Yiddish? Schlep on over!
Here are some Yinglish words AA would like you to know:bagel (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bagel) : a ring-shaped bread roll made by boiling then baking the dough (from בײגל beygl) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/bagel))
blintz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blintz) : a sweet cheese-filled crepe (Yiddish בלינצע blintse) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/57/B0325700.html))
bris (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bris) : the circumcision of a male child. (from Hebrew brith 'covenant') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/bris))
boychik : boy, young man. (English boy + Eastern Yiddish -chik, diminutive suffix (from Slavic)) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/49/B0434950.html))
bubkes (also spelled "bupkis") : emphatically nothing, as in He isn't worth bubkes (literally 'goat droppings', possibly of Slavic origin; cf. Polish bób 'bean') (MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/bubkes))
chutzpah (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chutzpah) : guts, daring, audacity, effrontery (Yiddish חוצפּה khutspe, from Hebrew) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/8/C0350800.html))
dreck : (vulgar) worthless material, especially merchandise; "crap" (Yiddish drek or German Dreck) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/dreck))
dybbuk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dybbuk) : the malevolent spirit of a dead person which enters and controls a living body until exorcised (from Hebrew דיבוק dibbuk, that which clings) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/22/D0442200.html))
fleishig : made with meat (Yiddish fleyshik 'meaty', from fleysh 'meat', cf. German Fleisch) (MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/fleishig))
ganef or gonif : thief, scoundrel, rascal (Yiddish גנבֿ ganef 'thief', from Hebrew gannav). (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/46/G0034600.html))
gelt : money; chocolate coins eaten on Hanukkah (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanukkah) (געלט gelt 'money', cf. German Geld) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/33/G0073300.html))
glitch (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glitch) : a minor malfunction (possibly from Yiddish glitsh) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/12/G0151200.html))
golem (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Golem) : a man-made humanoid; an android, Frankenstein monster (from Hebrew גולם gōlem, but influenced in pronunciation by Yiddish goylem) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/golem))
goy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goy) : a gentile (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gentile), someone not of the Jewish faith or people (Yiddish גוי, plural גוים goyim; from Hebrew גוים goyim meaning 'nations [usually other than Israel]', plural of גוי goy 'nation') (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/1/G0210100.html))
haimish (also heimish) : home-like, friendly, folksy (Yiddish heymish, cf. German heimisch) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/35/H0013500.html))
to be continued

[Anni M]

kibitz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kibitz) : to offer unwanted advice, e.g. to someone playing cards; to converse idly, hence a kibbitzer, gossip (Yiddish קיבעצן kibetsn; cf. German kiebitzen, related to Kiebitz 'lapwing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lapwing)') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/kibitz))
klutz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klutz) : clumsy person (from Yiddish קלאָץ klots 'wooden beam', cf. German Klotz) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/klutz))
kosher (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kosher) : conforming to Jewish dietary laws; (slang) appropriate, legitimate (originally from Hebrew כּשר kašer) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/42/K0104200.html))
kvell : feel delighted and proud (Yiddish קװעלן kveln, from an old Germanic word akin to German quellen 'well up') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/kvell))
kvetch (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kvetch) : to complain habitually, gripe; as a noun, a person who always complains (from Yiddish קװעטשן kvetshn 'press, squeeze', cf. German quetschen 'squeeze') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/kvetch))
latke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latke) : potato pancake, especially during Hanukkah (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanukkah) (from Yiddish, from either Ukrainian or Russian) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/51/L0065100.html))
Litvak (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Litvak) : a Lithuanian Jew (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithuanian_Jew) (OED)
lox (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lox) : smoked salmon (from Yiddish לאַקס laks 'salmon'; cf. German Lachs 'salmon') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/lox))
macher : big shot, important person (Yiddish מאַכער makher, literally 'maker' from מאַכן makhn 'make', cf. German Macher) (OED)
mamzer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamzer) : bastard (from Yiddish or Hebrew ממזר) (OED)
maven (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maven) : expert (from Yiddish מבֿין meyvn, from Hebrew mevin 'one who understands') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/maven))
mazel : luck (Yiddish מזל mazl, from Hebrew מזל mazzāl 'luck, planet') (OED)
Mazal Tov (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mazal_Tov) : congratulations! (Yiddish מזל־טובֿ‏ mazl-tov, from Hebrew mazzāl ṭōv: mazzāl 'fortune' + ṭōv 'good') (OED, MW:Hebrew (http://m-w.com/dictionary/Mazel%20tov))
mensch (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mensch) : an upright man; a decent human being (from Yiddish מענטש mentsh 'person', cf. German Mensch) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/mensch))
meshuga, also meshugge, meshugah, meshuggah: crazy (Yiddish משוגע meshuge, from Hebrew məšugga‘) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/meshuga))
meshugas : madness, nonsense, irrational idiosyncrasy (Yiddish משוגעת meshugas, from Hebrew məšugga‘ath, a form of the above) (OED)
meshuggener : a crazy person (Yiddish משוגענער meshugener, a derivative of the above משוגע meshuge) (OED)
milchig : made with milk (Yiddish milkhik milky, from milkh milk, cf. German milchig) (MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/milchig))
minyan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minyan) : the quorum of ten adult (i.e., 13 or older (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bar_mitzvah)) Jews who are necessary for the holding of a public worship service (Yiddish מנין minyen, from Hebrew מנין minyān) (OED, MW:Hebrew (http://m-w.com/dictionary/Minyan))
mishpocha : extended family (Yiddish משפּחה mishpokhe, from Hebrew משפּחה mišpāḥā) (OED)

[Anni M]

Yiddish lesson continued::

oy or oy vey (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oy_vey) : interjection of grief, pain, or horror (Yiddish אױ װײ oy vey 'oh, pain!' or "oh, woe"; cf. German oh weh) (OED)
pareve : containing neither meat nor dairy products (from Yiddish (פּאַרעװ(ע parev(e)) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/pareve))
pisher : a nobody, an inexperienced person (Yiddish פּישער pisher, from פּישן pishn 'piss', cf. German pissen or dialectal German pischen) (OED)
potch : spank, slap, smack (Yiddish פּאטשן patshn; cf. German patschen 'slap') (OED)
plotz : to burst, as from strong emotion (from Yiddish פּלאַצן platsn 'crack', cf. German platzen) (OED)
putz : an idiot, a jerk; a penis (from Yiddish פּאָץ pots) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/6/P0680600.html))
schlemiel : an inept clumsy person; a bungler; a dolt (Yiddish shlemil) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schlemiel))
schlep : to drag or haul (an object); to make a tedious journey (from Yiddish שלעפּן shlepn; cf. German schleppen) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schlep))
schlimazel : a chronically unlucky person (שלימזל shlimazl, from Middle High German (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middle_High_German) slim 'crooked' and Hebrew מזל mazzāl 'luck') (OED) [2] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plotz#_note-1)
In June 2004, Yiddish shlimazl was one of the ten non-English (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/English_language) words that were voted Words hardest to translate (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Words_hardest_to_translate) by a British (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_Kingdom) translation company. [3] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plotz#_note-2)

[Anni M]

and finallyschlock (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schlock) : something cheap, shoddy, or inferior (perhaps from Yiddish shlak 'a stroke', cf. German Schlag) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schlock))
schlong : (vulgar) penis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis) (from Yiddish שלאַנג shlang 'snake'; cf. German Schlange) (OED)
schlub: a clumsy, stupid, or unattractive person (Yiddish zhlob 'hick', perhaps from Polish żłób) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schlub))
schmaltz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schmaltz) : melted chicken fat; excessive sentimentality (from Yiddish שמאַלץ shmalts or German Schmalz) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schmaltz))
schmatte : a rag (from Yiddish שמאַטע shmate, from Polish szmata) (OED)
schmeer also schmear : noun or verb: spread (e.g., cream cheese on a bagel); bribe (from Yiddish שמיר shmir 'smear'; cf. German schmieren) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schmear))
shmendrik (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shmendrik) : a foolish or contemptible person (from a character in an operetta by Abraham Goldfaden (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abraham_Goldfaden)) (OED)
schmo : a stupid person. (an alteration of schmuck; see below) (OED)
schmooze : to converse informally, make small talk or chat (from Yiddish שמועסן shmuesn 'converse', from Hebrew shəmūʿōth 'reports, gossip') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schmooze))
schmuck (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schmuck_%28pejorative%29) : a contemptible or foolish person; a jerk; literally means 'penis' (from Yiddish שמאָק shmok 'penis') (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/84/S0138400.html))
schmutter : clothing; rubbish (from Yiddish Yiddish שמאַטע shmate 'rag', as above) (OED)
schmutz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schmutz) - dirt (from Yiddish שמוץ shmuts or German Schmutz 'dirt') (OED)
schnook : an easily imposed-upon or cheated person, a pitifully meek person, a particularly gullible person (perhaps from Yiddish שנוק shnuk 'snout'; cf. Northern German Schnucke 'sheep') (OED)
schnorrer (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schnorrer) : beggar (Yiddish שנאָרער shnorer, cf. German schnorren 'to beg or steal (usu. a small item of a consumable good) of a friend'[4] (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plotz#_note-3)) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/Schmooze))
schnoz or schnozz also schnozzle : a nose, especially a large nose (perhaps from Yiddish שנויץ shnoits 'snout', cf. German Schnauze) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/schnoz))
schvartze : term used to denote black people; can be used derogatorily. (from Yiddish שוואַרץ shvarts 'black'; cf. German schwarz). (OED)
Shabbos or Shabbes : Shabbat (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shabbat) (Yiddish Shabes, from Hebrew Šabbāth) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/71/S0307150.html))
shammes or shamash: the beadle or sexton of a synagogue; also, the 9th candle of the Hanukkah menorah, used to light the others (Yiddish shames, from Hebrew שמש šammāš 'attendant') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/Shammes))
shamus: a detective (possibly from shammes, or possibly from the Irish name Seamus) (OED)
shegetz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shegetz) : (derogatory) a young non-Jewish male (Yiddish שגץ or שײגעץ sheygets, from Hebrew šeqeṣ 'blemish') (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/19/S0331900.html))
shemozzle (slang) quarrel, brawl (perhaps related to schlimazel, q.v.) (OED)

[Anni M]

and finally--oy!

shemozzle (slang) quarrel, brawl (perhaps related to schlimazel, q.v.) (OED)

shicker or shickered : drunk (adjective or noun) (Yiddish shiker 'drunk', from Hebrew šikkōr) (OED)
shiksa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiksa) : (often derogatory) a young non-Jewish woman (Yiddish שיקסע shikse, a derivative of the above שײגעץ sheygets) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/34/S0343400.html))
shtetl (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shtetl) : a small town with a large Jewish population in pre-Holocaust (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holocaust) Eastern Europe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_Europe)
shtick (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shtick) : comic theme; a defining habit or distinguishing feature (from Yiddish שטיק 'piece'; cf. German Stück 'piece') (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/77/S0377700.html))
spiel or shpiel : a sales pitch or speech intended to persuade (from Yiddish שפּיל shpil 'play' or German Spiel 'play') (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/81/S0638100.html))
tchotchke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tchotchke): knickknack, trinket, curio (from Yiddish טשאַטשקע tshatshke, from obsolete Polish czaczko) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/tchotchke))
tref or trayf or traif : not kosher (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kosher)
tzimmes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tzimmes) : a sweet stew of vegetables and fruit; a fuss, a confused affair, a to-do (Yiddish צימעס tsimes) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/tzimmes))
tsuris : troubles (from Yiddish צרות tsores) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/76/T0397600.html))
tuchus : buttocks, rear end (from Yiddish תּחת tokhes, from Hebrew תחת taḥath 'underneath') (OED)
tummler : an entertainer or master of ceremonies, especially one who encourages audience interaction (from Yiddish tumler, from tumlen 'make a racket'; cf. German (sich) tummeln 'go among people, cavort') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/tummler))
tush : butt, rear end (from tuchus) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/tush))
yarmulke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kippah) : round cloth skullcap worn by observant Jews (etymology unclear (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kippah#Etymology)) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/yarmulke))
Yekke (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yekke) : (mildly derogatory) a German Jew (Yiddish יעקע Yeke) (OED)
yenta (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yenta) : a talkative woman; a gossip; a scold (from Yiddish יענטע, from a given name) (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/yenta))
Yiddish (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yiddish_language) : the Yiddish language (from Yiddish Yidish 'Jewish', cf. German jüdisch) (AHD (http://www.bartleby.com/61/4/Y0020400.html))
yontef also yom tov (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yom_tov) : a Jewish holiday on which work is forbidden, eg. Rosh Hashanah (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosh_Hashanah), Yom Kippur (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yom_Kippur), Pesach (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pesach) (from Yiddish יום- טובֿ yontef 'holiday', from Hebrew יום טוב yōm ṭōv 'good day') (OED)
yutz: a stupid, clueless person ([1] (http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Glossary/Yiddish_Words/yiddish_words.html#Y) [2] (http://www.m-w.com/info/pr/2005-scrabble-dictionary.htm))
zaftig (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaftig) : plump, chubby, full-figured, as a woman (from Yiddish zaftik 'juicy'; cf. German saftig 'juicy') (OED, MW (http://m-w.com/dictionary/yenta))

[Anni M]

Sorry for all the posts...this new word count thingie is a pisher... :glare: :wink2: :biggrin2:

[Gelata]

Hi,

A German Shepherd and a dachshund are trudging through the snow.

The German Shepherd turns to the dachshund and says, 'God, my feet are cold'.

The dachshund replies, 'Your FEET are cold!!!'



I'm afraid I don't understand this one :oops:

[Gelata]

The cannibal father and his cannibal children are having dinner. The father asks,
-Do you like grandma's soup?
-Yes, but I think we're gonna miss her :biggrin2:

[JohnDalglish]

I'm afraid I don't understand this one :oops:

Hi,

Gelata, a dachshund's, um, body parts, are much closer to the snow than a German Shepherd's.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

How do you make Pickle Bread?
With Dill Dough!

NO WAY!!! :biggrin2: :biggrin2: LMAO!

[Cola]

Sorry for all the posts...this new word count thingie is a pisher... :glare: :wink2: :biggrin2:

:D - no worries Anni :love:

[nicos]

Patient: Doctor after that accident I suffer from amnesia.
Doctor: Let's see what's wrong with you!
Patient: What's wrong with me?

[EXISTESS]

Sorry for all the posts...this new word count thingie is a pisher... :biggrin2:
Quit whining, you half blood yenta. You tested this thing! :wink2:
Luv ya. :love:
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet
three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean



http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2210/2178886429_69059c6bb3_o.jpg


:devil:
Ex

[Hannah]

What do you call a zoo with no animals?

A Shihtzu

[Charms7]

I found your posts quite educational, Anni M.

Ex, I love that joke about kitty power toilet cleaning!

Patricia A, Hannah and nicos, good ones!

[Anni M]

What do you call a zoo with no animals?

A Shihtzu

LOL LMAO!!!!

[Anni M]

Thankee Charms, here is another http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

AA Classique`

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer. :biggrin2:

[Cola]

What do you call a zoo with no animals?

A Shihtzu

:rofl:

[Anni M]

Quit whining, you half blood yenta. You tested this thing! :wink2:
Luv ya. :love:
:devil:
Ex
Yeah, yeah... :geek: Geek. :biggrin2:
luv ya too
xxooa

[Charms7]

Thankee Charms, here is another http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

AA Classique`

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer. :biggrin2:

Thank you again, Anni! LMAO!

It just so happens I work for a law firm. I'll find out if any of them are from Wyoming.

http://th208.photobucket.com/albums/bb284/frogmom706/th_36_11_61-1.gif

[Cola]

Thankee Charms, here is another http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

AA Classique`

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer. :biggrin2:

Thats FAH Anni :love:

[Gelata]

Hi,

Gelata, a dachshund's, um, body parts, are much closer to the snow than a German Shepherd's.

Long days and pleasant nights

Thank you!

:oops: :oops: :oops:

The doctor to the patient's wife:
-Your husband is perfectly well now. He can go to work next week.
-Oh, doctor, you're wonderful. You healed him and also got him a job!

[Tery]

Okay, I've saved up for this..... :biggrin2:

A nurse was chatting with one of her patients who was wrapped head to toe in bandages and in traction.
"So, what do you do for a living?" she asked.
"I used to wash windows."
"Oh, when did you stop?"
"About halfway down."

Q: When is an actor not an actor?
A: Most of the time.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a goose!

One day a man opens his door and sees a snail on the doorstep. He picks it up and throws it across the street. Two years later, there is a knock at the door. The man answers it to see the very same snail there.
The snail looks up angrily, "What the heck was that all about?!"

A Bushman walks into a pub in Australia's Northern Territories, pulling an enormous crocodile behind him on a leash.
"What can I get you? the barman asks.
"Do you serve Pommies here?"
"English people? Of course we do."
"Great! I'll have a meat pie and bring two Pommies for my croc."
(yes, yes... not PC... but funny. Apologies if anyone is really offended by this)

Q: What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?
A: "OK, everyone who wants to be in the picture get on this side of the table!"

Two Aunts were watching their four-year-old niece sitting in front of the television.
"What a shame she's not very P-R-E-T-T-Y," one of them said.
The child turned around, "That doesn't matter if I'm C-L-E-V-E-R."

Q: How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
A: Deep pan, crisp and even.

A friend of mine worked in the Circus. He was dating a lady contortionist. But she broke it off.

(For our British friends):
Q: What's the best thing to come out of Manchester?
A: The M62.

Q: How do you make a Swiss roll?
A: Push him down an Alp!

The Judge asked the Jury Foreman, "What possible reason could you have for acquitting this defendant?"
"Insanity, Your Honor," was the reply.
"What? All twelve of you!?"

Robin Hood was on his deathbed. He asked Little John to bring him his bow and arrow.
"I'm going to shoot this arrow out the window and I want you to bury me where it lands."
Little John did as he was asked and Robin Hood fired the arrow. A week later the Merry Men, in accordance with Robin's wish, buried him on top of the wardrobe.

A worried dog owner called the Vet. "My dog chases everyone he sees on a bike. What should I do?"
"Take the bike away from him immediately!"

A dyslexic woman walked into a bra....

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey what a coincidence - we have a drink named after you!"
"What? You have a drink named Fred?"

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

The farmer's son was late for school. When he was asked why, he told the teacher that he'd had to take the bull over to the cow.
"But can't your father do that? the teacher asked.
"No ma'am, you've got to have a bull."

The visitor to Boston was hungry and keen to try a local dish. "Can you tell me where I can get scrod?" he asked the cab driver.
The cab driver replies, "That's the first time I've ever heard that word in the pluperfect subjunctive."

It's strange that if you stand in the middle of a library and scream, everyone stares at you. But if you do it on a plane, everyone joins in.


That's it for now. I'll be back....

[Tery]

Five Reasons Why Computers Must be Male:

1. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
3. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've made a connection.
4. They're typically obsolete within 5 years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel that they have already invested so much in the machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on and that's the only time they have your attention.

Five Reasons Why Computers Must be Female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are committed to memory for future reference.
4. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you then I'm certainly not going to tell you!"
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

[Tery]

The 13 Rules of Flying:

1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull it back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, the houses will eventually get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than to be up there wishing you were down here.
5. The propeller is just a big fan at the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating!
6. You know you have landed with the wheels still up if it takes full power to taxi to the gate.
7. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
8. The probability of survival is inversely proportionate to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival = small probability of survival and vice versa.
9. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs.
10. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
11. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are.
12. Gravity is not just a good idea, it's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.
13. No matter how bad the in-flight movie is... don't ever walk out on it.

[Spideyman]

Anni and Tery what a perfect way to start a morning. Thank you!:smile2::smile2:

[Tery]

Employer Speak:
Join our fast-paced team = We have no time to train you.
Duties will vary = Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail = We have no quality control.
Must be deadline oriented = You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Apply in person = If you're fat, old or ugly you'll be told that the position has been filled.
Competitive salary = We remain competitive by paying less than our competition.
Requires team leadership skills = You will have the responsibilities of a manger without the pay or respect.
Problem-solving skills a must = This place is in perpetual chaos.
Employee Speak:
I am adaptable = I've changed jobs a lot.
I take pride in my work = I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm extremely experienced in all aspects of office management = I've used Microsoft Office.
I'm always on the go = I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed = The minute I find a better job, I'm gone!
The Golden Rules of Management
Delegating is a sign of weakness; let someone else do it.
Creativity is great but plagiarism is faster.
If God had meant for everyone to be a high-flyer, he wouldn't have invented the ground.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

[Anni M]

Thank you again, Anni! LMAO!

It just so happens I work for a law firm. I'll find out if any of them are from Wyoming.


http://th208.photobucket.com/albums/bb284/frogmom706/th_36_11_61-1.gif

Go for it! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_2_35.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxmk142YYCA)





http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb095&pp=ZNxmk142YYCA (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb095_ZNxmk142YYCA&utm_id=7923)