All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[fljoe0]

Young Roland and the other gunslinger apprentices liked to listen to a type of music called ka-rap. Roland's father could often be heard yelling, "Roland, will you turn that ka-rap down!"

As JD would say, "I'll let my self out now."
I should probably keep my day job too.

[prufrock21]

SK joke. Question: How do you get SK inside a Volkswagen when there are zebras in it?
Answer: You ask the zebras to leave.

Question: How do you get SK inside a Volkswagen when there are lions in it.
Answer: You ask the lions to leave.

(No. YOU ask the lions to leave.)

[Chris Jones]

this is my favourite joke ever (it doesnt really work written, so say it aloud)
Why is six scared of seven?

Because seven eight nine

[guido tkp]

nice, chris..one of my all-time fav's is

what did the ocean say to the beach ?

nothing...it just waved

[guido tkp]

a man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.standing at the foot of the bed, with his wife laying down, reading, he says, ' see ! this is the cow i have to sleep with when you have a headache !'

the wife looks up and says 'that's always been your problem...that's a sheep, not a cow !'

the husband says ' and that your problem; i was talking to the sheep !'

[doowopgirl]

A duck walks up to a man and says got any bread? got any bread? got any bread? The man says shut up or I'll nail your beak to the floor. The duck says got any nails? The man says No, the duck says got any bread?

[doowopgirl]

Here is one of my all time favorite groaners A sandwich walks into a pub and the barman says you'll have to leave, we don't serve food

[Br00ksInTexas]

Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it has like a billion degrees.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhh

[guido tkp]

knock-knock....

[fushingfeef]

Q: What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?
A: A Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off my cloud" and a Scotsman says "Hey MacLeod, get off my ewe."

(With apologies to JD)

[guido tkp]

what.. ? no takers...okay...

who's there ?

cowsgo....!

...cowsgo who ?


no, sillly.....

....

...

....



...cows go moo

[Anni M]

A couple of Auntie Anna Specials http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2651/4158173116_3b4a449a97.jpg Note: Auntie hasn't been well, so the jokes dried up for a while, but she's back :)


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard
her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he
started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope . . . just when it's raining

[Anni M]

O.M.G.,
I'm rich!


Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
and
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.















I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.









:laugh:

[blunthead]

Two men sentenced to be executed on the same day were led away. The priest said last rites.

The warden turned to the first man and asked, "Son, do you have a last request?".

"Yes sir, I do," he replied. "I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?".

"Certainly," the warden said, and turned to the other man. "What about you, son? What is your final request?".

"Please kill me first," he said.

[Haunted]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked,'What gender is 'computer'?'Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understandstheir internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensibleto everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in longterm memory for possible later retrieval;and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one,you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them,you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer,you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[fushingfeef]

For some reason this made me laugh:

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Marxist-Socialist are in an airplane that is going to crash and there are only two parachutes. The Priest says, “I have always followed the word of Jesus, so I should have one of the parachutes.” The Rabbi says, “I paid for the plane rental, so I should also have one of the parachutes.” The Marxist-Socialist says, “I would normally advocate allocating these out according to one’s means, but I’m afraid of dying and would like one of the chutes, please.”

[Haunted]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[DebA913]

Never Argue with a Woman






One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.



Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.


He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'



'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')



'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.I'll have to take you in and write you up.'



'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.



'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.



'That's true, but you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.'



'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.



MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.


It's likely she can also think.

Send this to four women who are thinkers


or men who are also thinkers ...


If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.

[kingricefan]

How do you get Holy water?

Boil the Hell out of it!!!:rofl:

Sorry, souldn't resist, I saw this today while driving around doing errands.

[blunthead]

Beethoven

Beethoven passed away and was buried in the churchyard. A couple days later, the priest was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from Beethoven's grave. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran to the town magistrate.

The magistrate arrived, bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...being played backwards", then, "...there's the Eighth, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling... the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth...".

The magistrate finally realized what was happening. He stood and announced to the crowd which had gathered, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

[Out of Order]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.



As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking:

'If I'd known she was a virgin,
I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking:

'If I'd known he could still do it,
I'd have taken off my pantyhose....'

[chimpanity]

Haven't posted for over a year but I'm a avid reader of this forum. Finally I have something to post...

My five year old (Almost six - a week away) daughter was talking to her Nana. She is in her "WHY" phase.

Megan - Nana why do you know everything?

Nana - because before you become a Nana you have to learn everything.

Megan - How do you know when you have learned everything?

Nana - Because they give you a test, and only if you pass the test do you get to become a Nana.

Megan thinks about this for a bit.

Megan - So if you fail the test, do you become a Daddy?

My daughter loves me!

[blunthead]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes”, replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are but a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”.

Holmes answers, “Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”.

[Haunted]

Dear Friends,

As we head into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.


I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.


I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.


Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.


I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I can't eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet, or feathers.


Thanks to you I learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


I no longer buy gas anywhere without taking someone along in the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in the back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.


I no longer go to the malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.


Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites me on the ass!!


And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this email to the next 144,000 people in the next 15 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas of 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this is true because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second husbands cousin's best friend's beautician.


Oh, and by the way . . .


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their emails with their hand on the mouse.


Dont' bother taking it off now, it's too late.


P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room because I was told by email that water splashes over 6 feet out of the toilet.


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY.
. . . and don't worry!!!!!


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!