All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[Srbo]

Irish Slippers

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and
get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous
19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag
the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em,
what's the point of effin one? "

:biggrin2:

[Srbo]

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

:down::biggrin2:

[Srbo]

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the poor economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called Lifeline.

I reached a freakin' call center in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
Bastards!!

[Gelata]

What did a buttock tell the other? -It smells foul in the corridor :biggrin2:

[Sugar Marie]

What's blond,brunette,blond,brunette,blond,brunette?

A blond doing cartwheels.


There are three construction workers, Bob, Tom, and Bubba, getting ready to sit down for their lunch break atop a girder high above the ground.
Bob looks at his lunch pail and says "Ya know what? I'm really sick and tired of pb&j - if I have pb&j in there again today, I'm gonna jump offa this thing and kill myself!
Sure enough, he opens it up and there it is, so he salutes his friends and jumps to his death, in disgust.
Tom empathises w/Bob, as he's just as turned off by the bologna sandwiches his wife's been packing for weeks, so he says "I'm w/him, if I have bologna & cheese in here again - I'm jumpin'". He opens the bag, sees what's in there, and off he goes.
Bubba, following this strain of logic, looks derisively at his lunch bag and says to himself: "Man, if I have tuna salad in there again, I'm jumping too".
He peers inside, sees tuna salad, and...Geronimo.
Later, as family, police, and ambulances are gathering at the scene; Bubba's inconsolable wife is being told what happened by one of his co-workers, who heard the whole thing from a girder above the suicides'.
She abruptly stops crying, shakes her head in bewilderment, and says "You've GOT to be kidding me - that idiot's been making his own lunch for 15 years!"

[Moderator]

:rofl:

[mudpuppy]

As told by the husband:

i was watching this baseball the other day, and wondering why it kept getting bigger, and bigger. And then it hit me! :eyebrow:

[jenboxer77]

It's cheezy, but I couldn't help it! :D

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gif<FONT face="trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica">
<FONT color=#0000ff>A Baboom !

[Sundrop]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old b*tch what her name is.

[Sundrop]

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


Answer: A crazy b*tch who will find you!

[SKfan2006]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat

[Eva9]

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/3628/funnycomment28k.jpg

[DillonNelson]

A great philosopher is lying in bed and gazing up at the stars. Suddenly he thinks: Where in the hell is my ceiling?

[Charms7]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/funny-pictures-giraffe-took-novocaine.jpg

[mudpuppy]

THE BRONX IRISH CATHOLIC GIRL

Three men were sitting together bragging about
how they had given their new wives duties.

---The first man had married a woman from Illinois , and he told
her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It
took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see
a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

---The second man had married a woman from Michigan . He gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day he saw it was bet ter. By the third day, he saw his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

---The third man had married a beautiful Irish girl from The Bronx.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed,
laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day
he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he coul d see a little out
of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[Anni M]

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

:down::biggrin2:
BWAHAHAHA!!! Right ON!!!:laugh:

[sköldpadda]

This kinda works better if you read it out....

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!

:biggrin2:

sorry!

[Anni M]

Judge Judy to prostitute: 'When did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, (wiping away tears): 'When the check bounced.'

[chimpanity]

A man with three eyes, no arms, and only leg is hitchhiking.

A British man pull up next to him and says "I, I, I, you look `armless, hop in."

[chimpanity]

where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs...??

Right where you left him.

[rose key]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat

I give up. What is the answer? Or, give us a hint.

[mudpuppy]

Q. why do milking stolls have only 3 lets?

A. Because the cow has the udder!

[mudpuppy]

RE: the above, OH THE SPELLING ERRORS! replace stolls woth stools, and lets with legs. Sorry! :o

Next:

A man goes to the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I can't get the song The Green Green Grass of Home out of my head."

Doctor says, "Hmm, sounds like you have Tom Jonesitis."

The man says, "Tom Jonesitis? Is that common?"

Doctor says, "Its Not Unusual."

[Anni M]

RE: the above, OH THE SPELLING ERRORS! replace stolls woth stools, and lets with legs. Sorry! :o

Next:

A man goes to the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I can't get the song The Green Green Grass of Home out of my head."

Doctor says, "Hmm, sounds like you have Tom Jonesitis."

The man says, "Tom Jonesitis? Is that common?"

Doctor says, "Its Not Unusual." Oh MY GAWD!!!:laugh:

[Anni M]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. :laugh:

[Dylan Roberts]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things
cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in My closet now.'

[Dylan Roberts]

A Dyslexic walks into a bra.....

[EXISTESS]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them!

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".


Susie said: " I know they do, that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a
dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

[EXISTESS]

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:devil:

[Anni M]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat A cold???
I'm buggered! What's the answer? :biggrin2:

[jenboxer77]

My 10 year old son told me this joke.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

fsh (only he said it like PHOOOOSSSSHHHH and laughed uncontollably)

You must on had to be there! :eyebrow:

[rose key]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat


A cold???
I'm buggered! What's the answer? :biggrin2:

Okay, Anni, we're either blind, blond, or both, because the answer was there all the time!!! Highlight the post and you'll see it, or look at the bottom of the grayed area when you quote the post.
See it now?:oo:

[Dylan Roberts]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

"This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison !"

Moral of the story ?
Never take what ain't yours.

[Dylan Roberts]

One for the literary folks..


It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuktu."

"Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"

Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu."

[Dylan Roberts]

Heard these when I was about 10 years old...

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

No Eye Deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

Still No Eye Deer

FINALLY-

What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs, and had it's ***** blown off ?

Still no F*****ng Eye Deer.

[Perse Jr.]

These are coming straight from my popsicle sticks (yes, I just ate 3 in a row). :)

What was the blacksmith's favorite music? Heavy metal.

What are the smartest animals? Fish, because they stay in schools.

Why did the fish have a bad report card? Because all of his grades were under "C."

[Sugar Marie]

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer.

...and an oldie, but a goodie:

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your job back, your wife back, your truck back, and your dog back.

[Srbo]

Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...dad...I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club ... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Begorrah! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

:wink2:

[Srbo]

Subject: Guts or balls

There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but does the public
really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep everyone informed, the definitions are listed
below:

GUTS - Is a man arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by his wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is a man coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on his collar, slapping his wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Dylan Roberts]

A police officer pulls a guy over and has the following exchange:

Officer: I've pulled you over for speeding. May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

[SKfan2006]

a cowboy rides into town on friday
he stays in town town for three days
he leaves on friday
how did he do it?

his horse's name was friday!!!
had gotten this off a show called iCarly.

[kayeraven]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

''SUPPLIES!!!!''


Kaye

[chimpanity]

a cowboy rides into town on friday
he stays in town town for three days
he leaves on friday
how did he do it?

his horse's name was friday!!!
had gotten this off a show called iCarly.

I love Icarly

[Sugar Marie]

Okay, since my supply of clean/comparably inoffensive jokes is limited, here's one I found on Comedy Central's site that cracked me up(slightly altered, as I think I tell it better than the original):

Two guys are sitting at a bar on the top floor of a sky scraper, getting plastered.
Outta nowhere the first guy says,"Hey! I'll bet you a hundred bucks that I can jump out that window, fly around the building, and land right back here, next to you."
Being wasted and hearing a sure bet, the second guy replies w/a grin,"You're on, buddy."
So the first guy gets up, jumps outta the window, flies around the building, and lands right back onto his bar stool, completely unscathed. "Unbelievable!" shouts guy #2, "Do that again!"
"Okay", says first guy, "but if I do, when I come back - you have to do it yourself"
Second guy slurs something to the effect of "OK", and so guy #1 repeats his death-defying stunt, comes back, and says,"OK - your turn."
2nd guy steps to the window, takes a half-appraising look down, then unwittingly leaps to his death.
The bartender turns back to guy #1, and remarks nervously: "Jeez, you sure are a mean drunk, Superman."

[Anni M]

Here Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these,
like, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

[Kim L.]

Here Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


:laugh::laugh: My absolute favorite! Thanks, Anni.

[Anni M]

:laugh::laugh: My absolute favorite! Thanks, Anni.
Thanks Kim!! I got MORE!!!! Will post 'em a few at a time to make them last. Any type of word play, made up silliness, puns, whatever; I can't enough of it...Yay, language!! :biggrin2:


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
was my fave... :rofl:

[Anni M]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.

And the winners are: :biggrin2:

1. Coffee, n. The person on whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men

My personal fave --


14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. :grinning:

[Kim L.]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.




My personal favorite...
You've done it again, Anni! :laugh::love:

[Charms7]

This may be old and corny. But it made me smile:

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[spanishjoe74]

a man walking home through a park one night sees a lady lurking in the shadows ahead.
"twenty quid, mister" she whispers to him.
he has never been with a hooker before but thinks 'what the hell,its only £20.'
so he hands over his money & slips into the bushes with her. they have barely been in the bushes for a minute when a torch goes on.
"whats going on here then?" says a police officer.
"im making love with my wife" says the man,thinking fast.
"sorry, i didn't realise." replies the officer.
"neither did i,till you shone that light in her face!"

[Charms7]

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to allow her husband to even speak to her again let alone anything else.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house...

[Anni M]

Charms! LMAO!!! :laugh:

[youngfibre]

Girl goes to Boy's place to spend the night.

Girl: i am putting this pillow between us dont move it or climb over it.
Boy: ok.
Next day Boy is seeing Girl off when a strong wind blows her veil up a tree, immediately Boy bends and starts taking off his shoes.
Girl: what are you doing?
Boy:i want to climb up the tree and get your veil.
Girl: Climb up this tree?
Boy: (confused)..Yes.
Girl: You want to climb a tree......you, who could not climb over a pillow!

[doowopgirl]

A sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says you will have to leave we don't serve food.
I want to die in mysleep like my grand father, not shouting and screaming like his passengers

[Prince of Darkness]

Hi,

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Long days and pleasant nights

[JimmySOZO]

A sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says you will have to leave we don't serve food.
I want to die in mysleep like my grand father, not shouting and screaming like his passengers


Your second joke is so effing awful and tasteless...and I couldn't stop laughing. What does that say about me???? :sad:

[Sundrop]

This is what happens when you leave alcohol near your Jack-O-Lanterns......

http://i440.photobucket.com/albums/qq128/Sundrop41/image001.jpg
image001.jpg - Gmail

[Hartley]

What did the elephant say to the naked man ?

"How on earth do you breathe throught that thing?"

[Gelata]

Two friends are in a pub, drinking a lot. One of them says to the other,
-Hey, man, you should stop drinking, you're getting out of focus.:laugh:

[Charms7]

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z316/bettyboop6896/Change%20Clocks/daylightsaving.gif

[Srbo]

Rude and Arrogant Americans

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window...

:wink2:

[Patricia A]

This cracked me up.
Kids, wot are you going to do? :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8aprCNnecU

[Gelata]

A man is driving his sport car sooo fast along the highway. Then a young man riding a small motorbike appears by the car. The man in the car looks at him, astonished and gobsmacked, opens the car's window, and the man on the motorbike, holding a cigarette in his lips, asks:
-Excuse me, have you got a light?
Tha man in the car, amazed, says:
-Are you crazy? You want to kill yourself?
And the man on the bike answers:
-No, I really smoke so little.

(:oops:I'm probably spoiling the joke because of my poor English. Sorry :biggrin2:)

[Cowboy]

Cowboy's Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel
for their wedding night.. The man approached the front desk and
asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with
a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[AmandaRose]

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[Anni M]

From Aunti Anna--Real Burma Shave Ads



DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE


TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave


SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave


DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave




cont

[Anni M]

cont:



CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave


SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave


AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave


NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave


A GUY WHO DRIVES



AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave


THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave


CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave




Day old beard
So marred his face
His bulldog chased
Him off the place
Burma Shave

[Kim L.]

LOL Anni!

The only Burma Shave I know (and I read it in a book):

Does your husband
Grunt and grumble
Rant and rave?
Shoot the brute

Some Burma Shave

[Anni M]

:rofl: Kim! Love it

[Anni M]

An Auntie Anna Special: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2651/4158173116_3b4a449a97.jpg


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.


Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.


Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.


'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.


'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says...


'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'


'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'


And the golfer walks off.


'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.


I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic
sex life.'


A year goes by and the golfer is back.. On the same hole, he again hits
a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.


'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I
just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'


'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers... I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'


'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out ¤100 notes I didn't even know were
there!'


'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'


The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'


C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?'


Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'


'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.'

http://l.yimg.com/g/images/spaceout.gif

[Autumnlyn]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty 'Congratulations' from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Mia Deschain]

what did the elephant say to the naked man?--------- sure its cute but can you really breathe from that thing?

[Sundrop]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty 'Congratulations' from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......


ROFLMAO!!! Thanks for that, Autumnlyn.....I really needed the laugh!

I have only 3 waxing tips for you:

1. Always warm wax---NEVER cold...
3. always trim hair that is longer than 1/8 inch....
2. Baby oil for wax removal....always painless

PLEASE, Call me before you attempt the haircolor.... I can save you lots of pain and agony! :laugh:

[ms.darkside]

A winter statistic






98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.


THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MAINE AND THEY SAY,

'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

[peaceluvnsploosh]

OK my social studies teacher said this and it was corney( and yes im sure i spelt that wrong)
we were learning about ww1 and all the leasders and generals and he said

Its abut josef stalin

he said
I dont know why he is russian cuz hes really stalin
idk somehting weird and stupid like that:)

[Charms7]

I am still rolling with laughter at Autumnlyn's joke. Gosh that was funny!

[Srbo]

6th grade science class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye..'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued,'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind!
Two, you didn't read your homework!
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed!!!'

:wink2:

[Marianne]

How about some office dares??

1 point office dares...

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zip open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

10) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3 point office dares...

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. (I did this to my boss.... it was hilarious!!!! LOL :laugh:)

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

6) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

5 point office dares...

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.


HAVE FUN! :laugh::wink2::biggrin2::grinning:

[Secret Window]

This is cute . . .


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lMqh_yuv-c

[Cthulhu]

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?





The both get clubbed by Norwegians...

[Charms7]

Follow your dreams.....

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/celebrity-pictures-rick-moranis-tom-cruise.jpg

[Charms7]

This is hilarious!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0URN2QUDJk

[Sigmund]

Okay, here are 2 of my favorites:

A dyslexic walks into a bra....
____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________

Why did the pervert cross the road ? He was stuck to the chicken!

[Gelata]

-Good morning. Is that the Secret Service?
-Sorry, I can't tell. http://www.graphicsgrotto.com/nextgensmileys/images/smsmileys3.gif (http://www.graphicsgrotto.com)

[Charms7]

Two rednecks are out hunting. As they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "I see an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand. We'll throw it in and see."

So they pick the transmission up, carry it over, count one, two, three and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, gaping into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," queries the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible! I had him chained to a car transmission!"

[Autumnlyn]

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Anni M]

Yowza!! There are some snorters on here... :laugh: I snorted quite a bit as a matter of fact...

Nice work, guys!
:biggrin2:

[StoryTellerRose]

Autumnlyn, you poor girl!!!
I've had my fair share of mishaps with hair removal...one with cold wax.

One of my first tries with hair removal was when my parents and I were getting ready to go on a vacation to Kauai. I've been blessed with a forest around my bikini line, and my parents convinced me to try Nair. Well, mother and father know best so I did what I'd been told....
I read all the warnings, including the one that said NOT to apply Nair to skin that has been exposed to sun in the last 24 hours. I thought, "oh, I'm fine, my tenders haven't been exposed to the sun at all!" never thinking of my thighs which had been in shorts all day.... well, I went ahead and applied Nair to my hairy thighs and bikini line. After a time, I noticed a strange burning on the tops of my thighs...I hurriedly rinsed the Nair off, hoping the burning would go away, but no...
No. I had to lay in agony for about an hour before the inflamed skin would quit burning. The tops of my thighs were bright red and hot to the touch, and burned like devil's fire....ironically enough, my hoo ha was fine.

You'd think that I had learned my lesson, but no. Two years later, we were going off to Kauai again, and once again my folks said I needed to have an acceptable bikini line. So, out with the Nair, in with the cold wax!
Thinking that this time I really knew what I was doing, I went ahead and warmed the strips between my hands, as instructed, and applied them to my tenders. After waiting an absurdly short amount of time, I yanked! And OUCH! And I looked down to see that all that pain was worth something....well, a few hairs had been yanked out leaving bloody skin behind, but most was still there, and covered in wax.
Yay me.
I don't remember how I finally rid myself of the honey-like stickiness, but I finally did. And in a rebellious streak I decided to pluck my bikini line, as I hate how itchy things get after shaving...
I'm a Jenious.

[Sam Catoe]

What do you call Luke Skywalker standing around holding a Santa outfit?







A Rebel without a Claus.

[Charms7]

I winced while reading your adventures in shaving, StoryTellerRose. After all you've been through, I'm certain you wouldn't want to take further risks. But I have heard apply rubbing alcohol to the freshly shaved area reduces or even eliminates the bumps and itching associated with shaving. I could never bring myself to actually try this, but the source was a reliable one.

[Kim L.]

I winced while reading your adventures in shaving, StoryTellerRose. After all you've been through, I'm certain you wouldn't want to take further risks. But I have heard apply rubbing alcohol to the freshly shaved area reduces or even eliminates the bumps and itching associated with shaving. I could never bring myself to actually try this, but the source was a reliable one.

Must confess, I get this done professionally. Can't stand the thought of trying it myself.

[Renzo]

- Two cannibals are sitting down eating a clown and one looks to the other and says, "This taste funny to you?"

- There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it sure it getting hot in here". The other muffin says, "Ah! A talking muffin!"

- A fish swims into a wall and says, "Dam!".

[AngelZ]

The Perfect "Husband"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen

MAN : 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: ' I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked. '
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN : '$90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can put out the extra 50 thousand, if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Snaggletooth]

Oldest (duck) joke in existence:

Guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

And the duck says "Doc, can you please get this guy off my ass?" :rofl: (I dare you to censor this gem)

[smunchkin]

Ok here is my super corny joke but its my favorite of all time.

Whats the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

The frog says ribbit ribbit and the horney toad says rubbit rubbit.
Hope thats not too naughty lol :geek:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Guy gets a phone call from his doctor.

'I'm terribly sorry, but we've got your wife's test results mixed up, she's either got Alzheimer's or Aids'.

That's dreadful doctor, what should I do?'.

Warning - Not for the easily offended

'I suggest you take for a drive in the country, leave her there, and if she makes her way home don't f*ck her'.

I'll see myself out.

Long days and pleasant nights

[TBlack]

A Skunk walks into a Courtroom...
The Judge sez,
"Odor in the Court!"
Sorry! My Gramma's joke!

[frisbee]

Being a Consultant myself this is one of my favorite jokes....

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........

"You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".

[Srbo]

So, a guy finds a frog and like always, the froggsays:
-If you kiss me, I`ll transform into a beautiful princess and will serve you my whole life.-

The guy looks at the frog, smiles and - puts it in his pocket.

Confused, the frog trys again, says the same thing, the guy only smiles again and puts it back into his pocket.

Third time the frog gets really pissed of, yells at the guy
- Listen you idiot, did you NOT hear what I said or are you just plain dumb? -
The guy says:
- Look honey, I am a computer nerd and addict, I don`t have time for girls, relationships and all that crap.
But to have a talking frog?
That`s wayyyyyy cool-...

:wink2:

[bookworm101]

Cute blonde girl calls up her boyfriend. She says honey can you come over and help me put this jig-saw puzzle together? Boyfriend asks honey did you buy another hard puzzle? She replies I didn't think so, its a picture of a rooster. Boyfriend says ok on my way. Boyfriend gets there and there she sits with all the pieces spread out, and he looks at the picture on the box. Honey he says no matter how hard we try we will never put this together. Now you go fix us some hot cocoa and I'll put the cornflakes back in the box.

[Sundrop]

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital that he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist..'

The proctologist fainted.

[MadamMack]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke all of his fingers!”

Sorry Ms Mod . . .you know I'm bad!