All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[Srbo]

Irish Slippers

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'
Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and
get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous
19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag
the both of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em,
what's the point of effin one? "

:biggrin2:

[Srbo]

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

:down::biggrin2:

[Srbo]

Depression

I was so depressed last night thinking about the poor economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called Lifeline.

I reached a freakin' call center in Pakistan.I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
Bastards!!

[Gelata]

What did a buttock tell the other? -It smells foul in the corridor :biggrin2:

[Sugar Marie]

What's blond,brunette,blond,brunette,blond,brunette?

A blond doing cartwheels.


There are three construction workers, Bob, Tom, and Bubba, getting ready to sit down for their lunch break atop a girder high above the ground.
Bob looks at his lunch pail and says "Ya know what? I'm really sick and tired of pb&j - if I have pb&j in there again today, I'm gonna jump offa this thing and kill myself!
Sure enough, he opens it up and there it is, so he salutes his friends and jumps to his death, in disgust.
Tom empathises w/Bob, as he's just as turned off by the bologna sandwiches his wife's been packing for weeks, so he says "I'm w/him, if I have bologna & cheese in here again - I'm jumpin'". He opens the bag, sees what's in there, and off he goes.
Bubba, following this strain of logic, looks derisively at his lunch bag and says to himself: "Man, if I have tuna salad in there again, I'm jumping too".
He peers inside, sees tuna salad, and...Geronimo.
Later, as family, police, and ambulances are gathering at the scene; Bubba's inconsolable wife is being told what happened by one of his co-workers, who heard the whole thing from a girder above the suicides'.
She abruptly stops crying, shakes her head in bewilderment, and says "You've GOT to be kidding me - that idiot's been making his own lunch for 15 years!"

[Moderator]

:rofl:

[mudpuppy]

As told by the husband:

i was watching this baseball the other day, and wondering why it kept getting bigger, and bigger. And then it hit me! :eyebrow:

[jenboxer77]

It's cheezy, but I couldn't help it! :D

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

http://www.tallrite.com/_themes/blends/blebul1d.gif<FONT face="trebuchet ms,arial,helvetica">
<FONT color=#0000ff>A Baboom !

[Sundrop]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old b*tch what her name is.

[Sundrop]

Question: What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


Answer: A crazy b*tch who will find you!

[SKfan2006]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat

[Eva9]

http://img14.imageshack.us/img14/3628/funnycomment28k.jpg

[DillonNelson]

A great philosopher is lying in bed and gazing up at the stars. Suddenly he thinks: Where in the hell is my ceiling?

[Charms7]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/funny-pictures-giraffe-took-novocaine.jpg

[mudpuppy]

THE BRONX IRISH CATHOLIC GIRL

Three men were sitting together bragging about
how they had given their new wives duties.

---The first man had married a woman from Illinois , and he told
her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It
took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see
a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

---The second man had married a woman from Michigan . He gave
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next
day he saw it was bet ter. By the third day, he saw his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

---The third man had married a beautiful Irish girl from The Bronx.
He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed,
laundry done, and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day
he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the
third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he coul d see a little out
of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

[Anni M]

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

:down::biggrin2:
BWAHAHAHA!!! Right ON!!!:laugh:

[sköldpadda]

This kinda works better if you read it out....

Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!

:biggrin2:

sorry!

[Anni M]

Judge Judy to prostitute: 'When did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, (wiping away tears): 'When the check bounced.'

[chimpanity]

A man with three eyes, no arms, and only leg is hitchhiking.

A British man pull up next to him and says "I, I, I, you look `armless, hop in."

[chimpanity]

where do you find a turtle with no arms and no legs...??

Right where you left him.

[rose key]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat

I give up. What is the answer? Or, give us a hint.

[mudpuppy]

Q. why do milking stolls have only 3 lets?

A. Because the cow has the udder!

[mudpuppy]

RE: the above, OH THE SPELLING ERRORS! replace stolls woth stools, and lets with legs. Sorry! :o

Next:

A man goes to the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I can't get the song The Green Green Grass of Home out of my head."

Doctor says, "Hmm, sounds like you have Tom Jonesitis."

The man says, "Tom Jonesitis? Is that common?"

Doctor says, "Its Not Unusual."

[Anni M]

RE: the above, OH THE SPELLING ERRORS! replace stolls woth stools, and lets with legs. Sorry! :o

Next:

A man goes to the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I can't get the song The Green Green Grass of Home out of my head."

Doctor says, "Hmm, sounds like you have Tom Jonesitis."

The man says, "Tom Jonesitis? Is that common?"

Doctor says, "Its Not Unusual." Oh MY GAWD!!!:laugh:

[Anni M]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. :laugh:

[Dylan Roberts]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things
cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in My closet now.'

[Dylan Roberts]

A Dyslexic walks into a bra.....

[EXISTESS]

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them!

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".


Susie said: " I know they do, that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a
dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out. You're on my side."

[EXISTESS]

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:devil:

[Anni M]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat A cold???
I'm buggered! What's the answer? :biggrin2:

[jenboxer77]

My 10 year old son told me this joke.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

fsh (only he said it like PHOOOOSSSSHHHH and laughed uncontollably)

You must on had to be there! :eyebrow:

[rose key]

this one i came up with today.
people who have me try to get rid of me
people who don't have me try to keep me away
people who think they have me don't really have me
what am i?

fat


A cold???
I'm buggered! What's the answer? :biggrin2:

Okay, Anni, we're either blind, blond, or both, because the answer was there all the time!!! Highlight the post and you'll see it, or look at the bottom of the grayed area when you quote the post.
See it now?:oo:

[Dylan Roberts]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.

"This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison !"

Moral of the story ?
Never take what ain't yours.

[Dylan Roberts]

One for the literary folks..


It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuktu."

"Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"

Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuktu."

[Dylan Roberts]

Heard these when I was about 10 years old...

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?

No Eye Deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs ?

Still No Eye Deer

FINALLY-

What do you call a Deer with no eyes, no legs, and had it's ***** blown off ?

Still no F*****ng Eye Deer.

[Perse Jr.]

These are coming straight from my popsicle sticks (yes, I just ate 3 in a row). :)

What was the blacksmith's favorite music? Heavy metal.

What are the smartest animals? Fish, because they stay in schools.

Why did the fish have a bad report card? Because all of his grades were under "C."

[Sugar Marie]

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

Either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer.

...and an oldie, but a goodie:

What do you get when you play country music backwards?

You get your job back, your wife back, your truck back, and your dog back.

[Srbo]

Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...dad...I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership in the country club ... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Begorrah! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

:wink2:

[Srbo]

Subject: Guts or balls

There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but does the public
really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep everyone informed, the definitions are listed
below:

GUTS - Is a man arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by his wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is a man coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on his collar, slapping his wife on
the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'

This should clear up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[Dylan Roberts]

A police officer pulls a guy over and has the following exchange:

Officer: I've pulled you over for speeding. May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

[SKfan2006]

a cowboy rides into town on friday
he stays in town town for three days
he leaves on friday
how did he do it?

his horse's name was friday!!!
had gotten this off a show called iCarly.

[kayeraven]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'
And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'
The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'
The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,

''SUPPLIES!!!!''


Kaye

[chimpanity]

a cowboy rides into town on friday
he stays in town town for three days
he leaves on friday
how did he do it?

his horse's name was friday!!!
had gotten this off a show called iCarly.

I love Icarly

[Sugar Marie]

Okay, since my supply of clean/comparably inoffensive jokes is limited, here's one I found on Comedy Central's site that cracked me up(slightly altered, as I think I tell it better than the original):

Two guys are sitting at a bar on the top floor of a sky scraper, getting plastered.
Outta nowhere the first guy says,"Hey! I'll bet you a hundred bucks that I can jump out that window, fly around the building, and land right back here, next to you."
Being wasted and hearing a sure bet, the second guy replies w/a grin,"You're on, buddy."
So the first guy gets up, jumps outta the window, flies around the building, and lands right back onto his bar stool, completely unscathed. "Unbelievable!" shouts guy #2, "Do that again!"
"Okay", says first guy, "but if I do, when I come back - you have to do it yourself"
Second guy slurs something to the effect of "OK", and so guy #1 repeats his death-defying stunt, comes back, and says,"OK - your turn."
2nd guy steps to the window, takes a half-appraising look down, then unwittingly leaps to his death.
The bartender turns back to guy #1, and remarks nervously: "Jeez, you sure are a mean drunk, Superman."

[Anni M]

Here Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these,
like, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

[Kim L.]

Here Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


:laugh::laugh: My absolute favorite! Thanks, Anni.

[Anni M]

:laugh::laugh: My absolute favorite! Thanks, Anni.
Thanks Kim!! I got MORE!!!! Will post 'em a few at a time to make them last. Any type of word play, made up silliness, puns, whatever; I can't enough of it...Yay, language!! :biggrin2:


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
was my fave... :rofl:

[Anni M]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.

And the winners are: :biggrin2:

1. Coffee, n. The person on whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men

My personal fave --


14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. :grinning:

[Kim L.]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.




My personal favorite...
You've done it again, Anni! :laugh::love:

[Charms7]

This may be old and corny. But it made me smile:

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[spanishjoe74]

a man walking home through a park one night sees a lady lurking in the shadows ahead.
"twenty quid, mister" she whispers to him.
he has never been with a hooker before but thinks 'what the hell,its only £20.'
so he hands over his money & slips into the bushes with her. they have barely been in the bushes for a minute when a torch goes on.
"whats going on here then?" says a police officer.
"im making love with my wife" says the man,thinking fast.
"sorry, i didn't realise." replies the officer.
"neither did i,till you shone that light in her face!"

[Charms7]

MOTHER'S DICTIONARY

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to allow her husband to even speak to her again let alone anything else.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house...

[Anni M]

Charms! LMAO!!! :laugh:

[youngfibre]

Girl goes to Boy's place to spend the night.

Girl: i am putting this pillow between us dont move it or climb over it.
Boy: ok.
Next day Boy is seeing Girl off when a strong wind blows her veil up a tree, immediately Boy bends and starts taking off his shoes.
Girl: what are you doing?
Boy:i want to climb up the tree and get your veil.
Girl: Climb up this tree?
Boy: (confused)..Yes.
Girl: You want to climb a tree......you, who could not climb over a pillow!

[doowopgirl]

A sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says you will have to leave we don't serve food.
I want to die in mysleep like my grand father, not shouting and screaming like his passengers

[Prince of Darkness]

Hi,

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Long days and pleasant nights

[JimmySOZO]

A sandwich walks into a bar and the barman says you will have to leave we don't serve food.
I want to die in mysleep like my grand father, not shouting and screaming like his passengers


Your second joke is so effing awful and tasteless...and I couldn't stop laughing. What does that say about me???? :sad:

[Sundrop]

This is what happens when you leave alcohol near your Jack-O-Lanterns......

http://i440.photobucket.com/albums/qq128/Sundrop41/image001.jpg
image001.jpg - Gmail

[Hartley]

What did the elephant say to the naked man ?

"How on earth do you breathe throught that thing?"

[Gelata]

Two friends are in a pub, drinking a lot. One of them says to the other,
-Hey, man, you should stop drinking, you're getting out of focus.:laugh:

[Charms7]

http://i192.photobucket.com/albums/z316/bettyboop6896/Change%20Clocks/daylightsaving.gif

[Srbo]

Rude and Arrogant Americans

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat..
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window...

:wink2:

[Patricia A]

This cracked me up.
Kids, wot are you going to do? :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8aprCNnecU

[Gelata]

A man is driving his sport car sooo fast along the highway. Then a young man riding a small motorbike appears by the car. The man in the car looks at him, astonished and gobsmacked, opens the car's window, and the man on the motorbike, holding a cigarette in his lips, asks:
-Excuse me, have you got a light?
Tha man in the car, amazed, says:
-Are you crazy? You want to kill yourself?
And the man on the bike answers:
-No, I really smoke so little.

(:oops:I'm probably spoiling the joke because of my poor English. Sorry :biggrin2:)

[Cowboy]

Cowboy's Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel
for their wedding night.. The man approached the front desk and
asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with
a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

[Maddie]

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





HIS DIARY

My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

[Anni M]

From Aunti Anna--Real Burma Shave Ads



DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
BURMA SHAVE


TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave


SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave


DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave




cont

[Anni M]

cont:



CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave


SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave


AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave


NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave


A GUY WHO DRIVES



AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave


THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave


CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave


PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave




Day old beard
So marred his face
His bulldog chased
Him off the place
Burma Shave

[Kim L.]

LOL Anni!

The only Burma Shave I know (and I read it in a book):

Does your husband
Grunt and grumble
Rant and rave?
Shoot the brute

Some Burma Shave

[Anni M]

:rofl: Kim! Love it

[Anni M]

An Auntie Anna Special: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2651/4158173116_3b4a449a97.jpg


A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.


Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.


Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.


'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.


'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says...


'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'


'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'


And the golfer walks off.


'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.


I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic
sex life.'


A year goes by and the golfer is back.. On the same hole, he again hits
a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.


'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I
just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'


'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers... I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'


'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye.. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'


'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out ¤100 notes I didn't even know were
there!'


'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'


The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'


C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?'


Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'


'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest
in a small parish.'

http://l.yimg.com/g/images/spaceout.gif

[Autumnlyn]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty 'Congratulations' from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Mia Deschain]

what did the elephant say to the naked man?--------- sure its cute but can you really breathe from that thing?

[Sundrop]

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty 'Congratulations' from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......


ROFLMAO!!! Thanks for that, Autumnlyn.....I really needed the laugh!

I have only 3 waxing tips for you:

1. Always warm wax---NEVER cold...
3. always trim hair that is longer than 1/8 inch....
2. Baby oil for wax removal....always painless

PLEASE, Call me before you attempt the haircolor.... I can save you lots of pain and agony! :laugh:

[ms.darkside]

A winter statistic






98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH ****' BEFORE

GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.


THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MAINE AND THEY SAY,

'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

[peaceluvnsploosh]

OK my social studies teacher said this and it was corney( and yes im sure i spelt that wrong)
we were learning about ww1 and all the leasders and generals and he said

Its abut josef stalin

he said
I dont know why he is russian cuz hes really stalin
idk somehting weird and stupid like that:)

[Charms7]

I am still rolling with laughter at Autumnlyn's joke. Gosh that was funny!

[Srbo]

6th grade science class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye..'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued,'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind!
Two, you didn't read your homework!
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed!!!'

:wink2:

[Marianne]

How about some office dares??

1 point office dares...

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zip open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding in a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

10) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3 point office dares...

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. (I did this to my boss.... it was hilarious!!!! LOL :laugh:)

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

6) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

5 point office dares...

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.


HAVE FUN! :laugh::wink2::biggrin2::grinning:

[Secret Window]

This is cute . . .


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lMqh_yuv-c

[Cthulhu]

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?





The both get clubbed by Norwegians...

[Charms7]

Follow your dreams.....

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/celebrity-pictures-rick-moranis-tom-cruise.jpg

[Charms7]

This is hilarious!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0URN2QUDJk

[Sigmund]

Okay, here are 2 of my favorites:

A dyslexic walks into a bra....
____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________

Why did the pervert cross the road ? He was stuck to the chicken!

[Gelata]

-Good morning. Is that the Secret Service?
-Sorry, I can't tell. http://www.graphicsgrotto.com/nextgensmileys/images/smsmileys3.gif (http://www.graphicsgrotto.com)

[Charms7]

Two rednecks are out hunting. As they are walking along, they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "I see an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand. We'll throw it in and see."

So they pick the transmission up, carry it over, count one, two, three and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, gaping into the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," queries the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Why, that's impossible! I had him chained to a car transmission!"

[Autumnlyn]

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Anni M]

Yowza!! There are some snorters on here... :laugh: I snorted quite a bit as a matter of fact...

Nice work, guys!
:biggrin2:

[StoryTellerRose]

Autumnlyn, you poor girl!!!
I've had my fair share of mishaps with hair removal...one with cold wax.

One of my first tries with hair removal was when my parents and I were getting ready to go on a vacation to Kauai. I've been blessed with a forest around my bikini line, and my parents convinced me to try Nair. Well, mother and father know best so I did what I'd been told....
I read all the warnings, including the one that said NOT to apply Nair to skin that has been exposed to sun in the last 24 hours. I thought, "oh, I'm fine, my tenders haven't been exposed to the sun at all!" never thinking of my thighs which had been in shorts all day.... well, I went ahead and applied Nair to my hairy thighs and bikini line. After a time, I noticed a strange burning on the tops of my thighs...I hurriedly rinsed the Nair off, hoping the burning would go away, but no...
No. I had to lay in agony for about an hour before the inflamed skin would quit burning. The tops of my thighs were bright red and hot to the touch, and burned like devil's fire....ironically enough, my hoo ha was fine.

You'd think that I had learned my lesson, but no. Two years later, we were going off to Kauai again, and once again my folks said I needed to have an acceptable bikini line. So, out with the Nair, in with the cold wax!
Thinking that this time I really knew what I was doing, I went ahead and warmed the strips between my hands, as instructed, and applied them to my tenders. After waiting an absurdly short amount of time, I yanked! And OUCH! And I looked down to see that all that pain was worth something....well, a few hairs had been yanked out leaving bloody skin behind, but most was still there, and covered in wax.
Yay me.
I don't remember how I finally rid myself of the honey-like stickiness, but I finally did. And in a rebellious streak I decided to pluck my bikini line, as I hate how itchy things get after shaving...
I'm a Jenious.

[Sam Catoe]

What do you call Luke Skywalker standing around holding a Santa outfit?







A Rebel without a Claus.

[Charms7]

I winced while reading your adventures in shaving, StoryTellerRose. After all you've been through, I'm certain you wouldn't want to take further risks. But I have heard apply rubbing alcohol to the freshly shaved area reduces or even eliminates the bumps and itching associated with shaving. I could never bring myself to actually try this, but the source was a reliable one.

[Kim L.]

I winced while reading your adventures in shaving, StoryTellerRose. After all you've been through, I'm certain you wouldn't want to take further risks. But I have heard apply rubbing alcohol to the freshly shaved area reduces or even eliminates the bumps and itching associated with shaving. I could never bring myself to actually try this, but the source was a reliable one.

Must confess, I get this done professionally. Can't stand the thought of trying it myself.

[Renzo]

- Two cannibals are sitting down eating a clown and one looks to the other and says, "This taste funny to you?"

- There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy, it sure it getting hot in here". The other muffin says, "Ah! A talking muffin!"

- A fish swims into a wall and says, "Dam!".

[AngelZ]

The Perfect "Husband"

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen

MAN : 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: ' I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked. '
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN : '$90,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can put out the extra 50 thousand, if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Snaggletooth]

Oldest (duck) joke in existence:

Guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

And the duck says "Doc, can you please get this guy off my ass?" :rofl: (I dare you to censor this gem)

[smunchkin]

Ok here is my super corny joke but its my favorite of all time.

Whats the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

The frog says ribbit ribbit and the horney toad says rubbit rubbit.
Hope thats not too naughty lol :geek:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Guy gets a phone call from his doctor.

'I'm terribly sorry, but we've got your wife's test results mixed up, she's either got Alzheimer's or Aids'.

That's dreadful doctor, what should I do?'.

Warning - Not for the easily offended

'I suggest you take for a drive in the country, leave her there, and if she makes her way home don't f*ck her'.

I'll see myself out.

Long days and pleasant nights

[TBlack]

A Skunk walks into a Courtroom...
The Judge sez,
"Odor in the Court!"
Sorry! My Gramma's joke!

[frisbee]

Being a Consultant myself this is one of my favorite jokes....

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,..........

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says,.........

"You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That is correct; take one of the sheep" said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not" answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog".

[Srbo]

So, a guy finds a frog and like always, the froggsays:
-If you kiss me, I`ll transform into a beautiful princess and will serve you my whole life.-

The guy looks at the frog, smiles and - puts it in his pocket.

Confused, the frog trys again, says the same thing, the guy only smiles again and puts it back into his pocket.

Third time the frog gets really pissed of, yells at the guy
- Listen you idiot, did you NOT hear what I said or are you just plain dumb? -
The guy says:
- Look honey, I am a computer nerd and addict, I don`t have time for girls, relationships and all that crap.
But to have a talking frog?
That`s wayyyyyy cool-...

:wink2:

[bookworm101]

Cute blonde girl calls up her boyfriend. She says honey can you come over and help me put this jig-saw puzzle together? Boyfriend asks honey did you buy another hard puzzle? She replies I didn't think so, its a picture of a rooster. Boyfriend says ok on my way. Boyfriend gets there and there she sits with all the pieces spread out, and he looks at the picture on the box. Honey he says no matter how hard we try we will never put this together. Now you go fix us some hot cocoa and I'll put the cornflakes back in the box.

[Sundrop]

A Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital that he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during
the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist..'

The proctologist fainted.

[MadamMack]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.” She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke all of his fingers!”

Sorry Ms Mod . . .you know I'm bad!

[Sigmund]

Oldie but goodie!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NO1DbyHth_U

[Sigmund]

Don't know if Ms. Mod will let this get on but here goes. Yes I know it's sophmoric but go through it and see if you don't read something "familiar" to you.

THE POOPIE LIST

THE CROWD PLEASER: This is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that
you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER: This occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER: This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER: A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER: Characterized by its floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE PHANTOM: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO: Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE: This may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE: An adorable collection of small pellets in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually CAN'T poopie.
PREMEDITATED POOPIE: Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE: The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE: When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE: When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE: Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
THE PERFECT POOPIE: Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
THE CABLE POOPIE: Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
THE LATRINE POOPIE: In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
THE ABORTED POOPIE: You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
THE HOUDINI POOPIE: You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
THE PORTA-POTTIE POOPIE: Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a poopie in an upright coffin". It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper cup.
THE ENCORE POOPIE: Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

[Kahllie]

[QUOTE=EXISTESS;93728]GEEK QUIZ

Geek Quiz

1. I have moss growing:

A) In my garden
B) In my bathroom
C) In my kitchen
D) On my teeth

2. When I open my mouth at parties, people:

A) Listen
B) Ease away slowly
C) Stuff a live weasel down my throat

3. I think computers are:
A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Too damn small for the stuff I want to do

4. I think sheep are:

A) Uninteresting
B) Interesting
C) Annoyingly far away from where I live

5. The Usenet Oracle is:

A) A pack of weenies who think about "Lisa" way too much
B) Interesting
C) Not appreciative of the great answers I write; the Priesthood is out to get me

6. The gender I desire to have sexual relations with is:

A) Difficult to understand
B) Impossible to understand
C) Clearly from a different planet
D) How should I know? I've only seen pictures

7. Bill Gates is:

A) Bill who?
B) Very wealthy
C) Head of Microsoft, which produces some widely used products
D) The Antichrist

8. In general, people:

A) Like me
B) Don't like me
C) People? What people?

9. My friends are:

A) Diverse
B) People I know from work or school
C) Wearing the same clothing I am

10. My dream vacation is:

A) Tibet
B) Europe
C) California
D) In a room with lots of fluorescent lights and an unlimited supply of coffee

11. My job prospects are:

A) Abysmal
B) Adequate
C) I'll never be out of work, you hear me? Never!
D) They pay people to do this?


Score 0 for each A, 1 for each B, 2 for each C, and 3 for each D.

19 or more: Yep. You're a computer geek, all right.

13 - 18: You're a geek of some stripe or another.

7 - 12: Probably not a geek, but watch it...

0 - 6: If you're of the opposite sex, could you leave a note for me in the personals column? Please? Hello

QUOTE]

Ummm....the test is highly inaccurate. I scored a 26. I'm Female. Females can Not be Geeks. That is a "Guy Thing." But it was fun!

[rose key]

[QUOTE=Sigmund;363006]


THE POOPIE LIST



I thought this was going to be gross at first, but the word "poopie" just made me keep laughing through the whole thing! It was great!:biggrin2:

[Demeter]

An old maid had a parrot who liked to swear. The only way to hush the parrot up was to put the cover back on its cage so it would think it was night and go back to sleep. One morning, the old maid had just uncovered the parrot for the day when she saw the preacher coming up the front walk. She rushed to the cage and slipped the cover back on the cage and let the preacher in. The parrot was perfectly still, just as quiet as a mouse, but just as she was asking the preacher how much sugar he wanted in his coffee, the parrot broke the silence with a loud "God damn but that was a short day!"

[Sigmund]

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"


Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.


A psychotic thinks that two and two are five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four -- but he hates it.


A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."


Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds of them.


When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."


In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

[Charms7]

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to put the candy in a blender and hit purée before you can eat it.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." but can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-partners live.

[hossenpepper]

Do you know why Mr. And Mrs. PotatoHead wouldn't let their daughter marry Howard Cosell?

Answer here--->Because he's just a commentator!

[frisbee]

Ok, this is totally not PC but cracked me up....

Why are there there 300,000 cases of spousal abuse in America each year?

Answer --> Because they won't f_____g listen!

[frisbee]

Easter humor...

Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?

Answer: Hot, cross bunnies.

Running for the door........

[Charms7]

A Few Rules To Live By ....

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to do something that's really wacky in public, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and tell pitiful stories about the fish that got away.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. Don't worry. It only seems quirky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

[*~*Lily*~*]

Okay, my Aunt sent this joke to me. I'm still new and not sure if Ms. Mod can/will allow this one up.

Waxing . . . ..

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax, yeah...right!') I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious....must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

SEALED SHUT!!!!

MY BUTT IS SEALED SHUT!

SEALED SHUT!!!!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!******

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter......

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now..I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor

Nothing feels better than to have your girliegoodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!! It works!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color

[AngelZ]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model...


The women won.

[GunslinginMarine]

A horse walks into a bar...the bartender says, "Hey, whats with the long face?"

[aahlyia72]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Miss Joyce', that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived all the bitches.'

[Sigmund]

The Lamaze/Childbirth coach has just ended a class. There are three couples and she says, "If you'd like I can tell you what sex your child will be." She asks the first couple,"When your child was concieved who was on top?" The man says he was and the instructor says, Your baby will be a male. She asks the second couple, "When your child was concieved what position did you use? The pregnant female says, "Woman on top" and the instructor says, Your baby will be a female. All of a sudden the third female says, "Sh*t, I'm gonna have puppies!

[Charms7]

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

[Sigmund]

Tom and Bill haven't seen each other for awhile. They are sitting around catching up when Tom asks Bill, "Hey, you always said you wanted to learn to skydive. How'd that turn out?" Bill says, "Yeah! I found this great skydiving school that's taught by a former military paratrooper. man you should have seen this guy, 6'4' and 210 lbs. of pure muscle. Knew what he was talking about, too.
He has A 100% success rate-all his students jump successfully! After 6 weeks it was time to go and jump. I was nervous so I was the last to go. I got to that door and looked out into the wild blue yonder and ....I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I turned to the instructor and said, "Sir, I can't do it." He said, "You will NOT ruin my perfect record! You WILL jump or I will make you my witch!"
Tom says, " Well, did you jump?" Bill says, " A little..at first.":oops:

[frisbee]

Um, Sig, are you sure you meant "witch"?

[killyerdarlings]

That is a majorly cleaned up version of the way I heard that joke. lol

[JohnDalglish]

Um, Sig, are you sure you meant "witch"?

Hi,

'Rhymes-with-witch', as Big Jim would say!

Long days and pleasant nights

[Sigmund]

Um, Sig, are you sure you meant "witch"?

Rhymes with witch- poor Ms. Mod, has enough to do without bleeping me and my wierd jokes. But....did you get it, huh? It was a hoot!

[Anni M]

An Auntie Anna Special
6394

The Cremated Husband_**_
** Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!' She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!' Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought that too, with the insurance money!'
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said,
'Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?'
'Here it comes.'

[frisbee]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[Sigmund]

If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's. Women would rule the world.

[frisbee]

Sig, this thread is for jokes, not reality....:grinning:

[Sigmund]

Newspaper Headlines with Double Meanings

March Planned For Next August

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[Sigmund]

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

[Anni M]

For all lovers of good writing, here are this year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, (aka "It Was a dark and Stormy Night" Contest) run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.


10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: "Andre creep... Andre creep...Andre creep."

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved..

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear"'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER IS...

1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

[Anni M]

oldie, but still funny
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you!
1. Put both lids of the toilet up And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, And run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

[Sigmund]

This is cute and funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUA3LKQDIG4

[Gelata]

Two men are in the jungle when they hear a lion approaching. One of the men takes out his boots and puts on a pair of running shoes. The other man says,
You think you can run faster than the lion just for wearing those?
And he says,
No, I don't intend to run faster than the lion. I just want to run faster than you! :laugh:

[Anni M]

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband
readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it
was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to
find her husband in a very drunken state. During the
next few minutes, he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere
near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were
financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed
more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest
totaling
nearly$1 million.... Then she showed him certificates of
deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2
million, and informed him that they were one of the
largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she
had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over
$3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely
speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have
given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him
Some men don't know when to keep their mouths shut :)

[Sigmund]

Don't know if this will make it through but here goes..

Two guys are out hunting. Joe sees something and looks through his scope. He says,"Mike, I can see your house and your wife. She's having sex with your next door neighbor!" Mike says, "Dang. If I could I would shoot his peck*r off and shoot her in the head." Joe says, "I can do that with one shot."
:oops:

[Anni M]

Don't know if this will make it through but here goes..

Two guys are out hunting. Joe sees something and looks through his scope. He says,"Mike, I can see your house and your wife. She's having sex with your next door neighbor!" Mike says, "Dang. If I could I would shoot his peck*r off and shoot her in the head." Joe says, "I can do that with one shot."
:oops: :rofl: oh no, you din't!

[Sigmund]

Problems in the Bathroom
Date of Joke: Monday, 13th May, 2002
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."

The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"

[Anni M]

Some truth to the things kids say
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
1-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10
2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
5. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. Pam, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is ...........
6. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . Ricky, age 10

[Srbo]

Interesting Statistic

Since singer Susan Boyle, who professes to being a virgin, has been on TV - there's been a significant drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently, many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like

[Suzana]

Interesting Statistic

Since singer Susan Boyle, who professes to being a virgin, has been on TV - there's been a significant drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently, many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Gelata]

A man calls to order a pizza. When he has ordered he is asked,
-Would you like it cut in eight portions or twelve portions?
And the man says,
-Eight portions, please, I don't think I can eat twelve! :laugh:

[Lencho_of_the_Apes]

Doctor walks into the Examination Room. Grim look on his face. Walks over to the table... embarrassed, won't look at his patient. Staring at his clipboard.

-- Mr. Sanders, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. I've come to tell you... you have to stop masturbating.

-- OMG, Doctor! Are you sure? Is something wrong? WHY??!!

-- I need to take your blood pressure now.

[Gelata]

A man is at the doctor's, waiting for the results of some analyses.
The doctor finally enters the room and says:
-Well, we have come to the conclusion that you are suffering from the Robertson syndrome.
-Oh, but, is that serious, doctor?
-We don't know yet, Mr. Robertson.:biggrin2:

[Sundrop]

Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.


A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same damn snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[Anni M]

http://f880.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f34522%5fAL0lvs4AAUwYS%2bicZggapwL2HSE&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ..
http://f880.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f34522%5fAL0lvs4AAUwYS%2bicZggapwL2HSE&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'

12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
http://f880.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f34522%5fAL0lvs4AAUwYS%2bicZggapwL2HSE&pid=4&fid=Inbox&inline=1

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.' ( I like this one. )

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'


Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

[Sigmund]

Things NOT To Say To A Cop When You Are Pulled Over

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

[Anni M]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark card writers are having a bad day........


1




Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
she moved in with me.



2




Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'



3




Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.



4




How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?



5
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.



6
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.



7
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.



8
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.



9




Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )



10
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!



11




When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.



12




I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.



13
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?



14



So your daughter's a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

[Pucker]

I was walking through a cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone.
"Morning", I said, to which he replied, "No, just taking a piss."

[Sundrop]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Garden Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room, naked, to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten
him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.
The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed...... Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

......And that's when he shot her.

[Sundrop]

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.


When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'


'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.


'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM O.K.?!!'

[Sigmund]

Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order


1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2 . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
7. My reality cheque has bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
13. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
17. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
18. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
19. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
20. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

[Sigmund]

Funniest Puns and Jokes (Pun of the Day)
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.2.Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.3.I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. 4.There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'. 5.It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 6.I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.7.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.8.He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.9.Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.10.To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

[Sundrop]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll
be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

[Srbo]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll
be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

:rofl:
See, that`s why our Pat has a hat. :laugh:

[Sigmund]

Quotes From The Perfect Man

There ought to be a law against those porno movies. Can you believe that there are guys that would actually, want their wives to do those things they show?

My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house?

Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

Why don't you relax this weekend? I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

Quotes From The Perfect Woman

I'm sorry for leaving the toilet seat down, dear.

I don't see what the big deal about those Chippendale dancers is. I prefer a man with some meat on his bones.

I was wrong ... you were right. I'm sorry I argued.

Forget Ally McBeal, let's watch Monday Night Football and have a belching contest.

Just wear whatever you want to my parents'. You always look just fine!

[Sundrop]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.


The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .....

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"


The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .. alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent..
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!!" FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ... "BRING POSSE"

[Ryan002]

A stern, dignified looking man is forced to get out of his car because his fan belt breaks. Much to his consternation, he has to walk through a dark and dangerous looking alley to get to the nearest service station. He takes a deep breath and does so.

Halfway through the alley, a robber leaps out and threatens the man with a twelve inch blade.

"Give me all your money!" the robber yells.

The man is shocked, then outraged.

"Don't you know who it is you're robbing?" He asks the robber.

The robber shrugs and says he hasn't a clue.

The man clucks his tongue and says: "I'll have you know I'm a very important politician!"

The robber seems to ponder this for a while, and after some hesitation, he says:

"Well I guess in that case...give me all my money dammit!"

[Sigmund]

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
Bathrooms

http://www.jokesclean.com/s.gif
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.
Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats

Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.
Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.
Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.
Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.
Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

[Sigmund]

You're Single Aren't You

http://jokes.edigg.com/images/letters/a.gif woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap

1 toothbrush

1 tube of toothpaste

1 loaf of bread

1 pint of milk

1 single serving of cereal

1 single serving frozen dinner

1 can of Soup For One

1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

[AngelZ]

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

[EXISTESS]

51, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"Tower: "Delta 3
:devil:

[Sundrop]

Tricky question - think carefully


You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* get off the merry-go-round, you're drunk. *

[Sigmund]

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!

IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE

THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I’m sorry... what did you ask me?

[Anni M]

Do you Tweet?
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my six kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 6 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag. The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calculating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
[I]I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[Sigmund]

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

[Charms7]

Steve Wingate told me to feel free to share this, and so here goes. If it's too risqué, Ms. Mod, I understand, but I figure you might get a kick out of it. :biggrin2:

Facebook Poking: It's NOT What You Think!
by Steve Wingate

http://hphotos-snc3.fbcdn.net/hs523.snc3/29748_397943561011_661491011_4710919_7386093_n.jpg

It has been suggested that poking someone on Facebook means you want to have sex with that person. Nonsense! Poking is a perfectly non-sexual means of friendly, platonic, non-verbal communication. Everyone should take a moment to stoop and pick their minds up out of the gutter. How shameful! You are all diseased.

Just to prove to you that poking has nothing to do with sex, I’m going to explain the mechanics and the different types of poking so that all you degenerates out there can find something more constructive to do with your time on Facebook, such as play Farmville. By the way, I need a (truckload) of fence posts, some purple chickens, a Harley Davidson Turbo Tractor and one of those inflatable sheep.

DISCLAIMER! I DO NOT play Farmville, that was a humorist's license at work. Do not send me anything... well, maybe the sheep.

http://photos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs530.snc3/30098_397948841011_661491011_4711057_7882822_a.jpg

YOUR FIRST POKE


Whether you are the poker or the pokee, your first time can be a little awkward. I recommend getting to know them first. Post videos on their wall or give them a tractor, then try sending the person a message or chatting them up using the highly unreliable FB chat feature. After you are sure you’re both comfortable with each other, make your move.

HELPFUL HINT: A poke is not complete until your partner returns the poke.

Depending on how eager your target is, your first poke may be over before you even realize you’re poking. You may spend several days doing it this way until you learn each others natural rhythms, but in time your pokes will last longer as your mutual comfort levels increase. Some pokes can last for days!


MARRIED POKING


Poking within a marriage can get a little humdrum. Some spouses rarely poke each other at all except on anniversaries and birthdays. For those couples wanting to put the zing back in their pokelife, there are some excellent poking aids out there such as MegaPoke, SuperPoke and the ever-popular VibraPoke.



POKING AFTER 70

Ew.



SAME SEX POKING


Yes, I used the word sex in the title above, but remember that POKING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX! Perhaps this misconception is why heterosexual male FB users have so many hang-ups about poking their buddies. There is absolutely nothing wrong with poking your buddy – you don’t even have to get him drunk first. If it makes you feel any better, talk about sports or engine displacements afterwords.

Likewise, there is also nothing wrong with heterosexual females poking one another. Just be sure to let us guys know when it happens.


SAFE POKING


If you're going to poke around, you owe it to yourself to use protection against viruses and embarrassing rashes of pop-ups. I recommend TrojanGuard XL 2.0 – it offers maximum protection while still affording the full poking experience. You'll barely know it's there.

CAUTION: Never poke if you are currently suffering an outbreak of pop-ups because this allows them to spread more rapidly. This is especially important if you have multiple poking partners.


SELF-POKING

If you don't have anyone to poke, just sign up for another account and poke yourself. It's perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of... just don't do it too much, because you could go blind.


I hope I have convinced all you perverts that there is nothing sexual, or even sensual about poking your FB friends. It's just a friendly little “hello” of sorts, so calm down already. So poke your friends with wild abandon – poke your high school friends, your co-workers, your hot cousin, and while you're at it, poke me too...

… I promise to still respect you in the morning.

http://photos-d.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs503.ash1/29748_397943891011_661491011_4710922_3264972_a.jpg

[frisbee]

YouTube, Twitter and Facebook are going to merge. The new company will be called YouTwitFace.

[CorbinKale]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember --
You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly, with some obvious hesitation, raised his hand.

"Yes”, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

[CorbinKale]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

This a true story, told to me by a friend who was physio for the Scottish rugby team.

One of the players dislocated his shoulder during a game and they took him to the local cottage hospital.

The doctor put his foot in the armpit and jerked the shoulder back properly and the rugby player let out an almighty scream as his shoulder clicked back into place.

A nurse came in and said 'That's a terrible noise you're making, I've a woman next door just given birth to twins and we didn't hear a peep out of her'.

And the rugby player said - 'Aye, but wait till you try to put them back'

Long days and pleasant nights

[Sigmund]

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”




'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


:rofl::rofl::rofl::grinning::rofl:

[motocop]

My wife forwarded this to me. Pretty funny.

I think the men should have won the argument of course, what do you think?


A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'


A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.




The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourselfspending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

The women won.

[nate_watkins]

I think the men should have won the argument of course, what do you think?

Yep I agree. :laugh:

[JoAnn Doud]

11054

[JoAnn Doud]

I guess you have to click on the teeny-tiny picture to see it and appreciate the funny. ;)

TE=JoAnn Doud;425717]11054[/QUOTE]

[motocop]

I guess you have to click on the teeny-tiny picture to see it and appreciate the funny. ;)

TE=JoAnn Doud;425717]11054[/QUOTE]

I can see the lawnmower man barreling down on me with that thing.

[MrsSmeej]

A musical note walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a martini.

I can't serve you says the bartender; You're A minor.

[Sundrop]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.

It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“SH*T!” exclaimed the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[blunthead]

Girlfriend 1.0 software

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

[fljoe0]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

[Petrollika]

A piece of string walks into a pub and sits down at the bar.
"A pint of Guinness please," he calls to the bartender, who immediately comes over.
"Sorry mate, we don't serve string here," he says with a shrug.
The string leaves without argument, messes his hair up, and returns. He sits on the same barstool and says, "a pint of Guinness please."
The bartender says, "hey, you look familiar, aren't you a piece of string?"
The string replies, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[fljoe0]

A DAY AT THE RACES

A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no other choice, she went inside and helped the boys and began hoisting the little boys up one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 3rd grade."
"No, Ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th...but thanks for the lift!"

[Brian - Metro]

In what place do your feet hurt the most? Krakatoa!

[Brian - Metro]

In what place does your butt hurt the most. Krakow!

[fljoe0]

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

[motocop]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
>
> At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
>
> 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
>
> In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
>
> If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
>
> 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.
>
> 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
>
> 3.... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
>
> 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
>
> 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
>
> 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
>
> 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
>
> 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
>
> 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
>
> 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
>

[motocop]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
>
>
> FREEZER BAGS:
>
> They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
>
> PHOTOCOPIERS:
>
> These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
>
> TIRES:
>
> Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
>
> HOT AIR BALLOONS:
>
> Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
>
> SPONGES:
>
> These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
>
> WEB PAGES:
>
> Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
>
> TRAINS:
>
> Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..
>
> EGG TIMERS:
>
> Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
> HAMMERS:
>
> Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
>
> THE REMOTECONTROL:
>
> Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[blunthead]

Puns

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[fljoe0]

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

[motocop]

Thoughts on Sex:






http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1






http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1






http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1






http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1






http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.6&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[motocop]

Thoughts on Sex Continued:




http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.7&fid=Inbox&inline=1




http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.8&fid=Inbox&inline=1




http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.9&fid=Inbox&inline=1




http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.10&fid=Inbox&inline=1




http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.11&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[motocop]

Thoughts on Sex Finished:





http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.12&fid=Inbox&inline=1



http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.13&fid=Inbox&inline=1


http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.14&fid=Inbox&inline=1



Saving the best for last, here it is!
http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f14179%5fAMAMDUwAAWc4TPT9OAtGDGIJWT8&pid=2.15&fid=Inbox&inline=1

[Moderator]

:umm: :dunno:

[Charms7]

Important Facts of Life

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, it's you.

2. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

3. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

5. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.

9. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

[motocop]

:umm: :dunno:

I guess those jokes arent very funny if there not visible huh? Huh, they went on there fine. Dont know what happened.

[Sundrop]

I guess those jokes arent very funny if there not visible huh? Huh, they went on there fine. Dont know what happened.

Thank goodness!!!

I had always heard that too much sex would cause you to go blind.....I was getting worried!!! :laugh:

[motocop]

I guess those jokes arent very funny if there not visible huh? Huh, they went on there fine. Dont know what happened.

Thats weird, I can see them fine now.

[fljoe0]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and "dumb blonde" jokes when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, BLOCKHEAD! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

[blunthead]

Thats weird, I can see them fine now.

No, too much sex does not make you go blind because I am going blind.

[blunthead]

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
___________________
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly.”
_______________
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted, and stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
_______________
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Wonderful, I've always wanted to play the violin!"
__________________
"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

[fljoe0]

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one
half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

And She answered "THE TEETH".

[Petrollika]

What is Forrest Gump's computer password?
1forrest1

[blunthead]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me! Nobody will talk to me!".

The psychiatrist says, "Next".

[blunthead]

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of driving under the influence laws. At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Finally everyone left the bar and drove off, and he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "I'm the Designated Decoy."
_______________

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said "I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure," and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: "I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man "Gee, you can be a bastard when you're drunk, Superman."

[fljoe0]

A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw her self to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[Sigmund]

No, too much sex does not make you go blind because I am going blind.

Actually, the saying is not ' too much sex causes you to go blind' it is 'too much masturbation will cause you to go blind' And give you hairy palms! :oo:

[JohnDalglish]

Actually, the saying is not ' too much sex causes you to go blind' it is 'too much masturbation will cause you to go blind' And give you hairy palms! :oo:

Hi,

What is 'too much'?

Who decides?

And who are the Orgasm Police? LOL

Long days and pleasant nights

[blunthead]

Actually, the saying is not ' too much sex causes you to go blind' it is 'too much masturbation will cause you to go blind' And give you hairy palms! :oo:

I see no difference.

[blunthead]

Hi,

What is 'too much'?

Who decides?

And who are the Orgasm Police? LOL

Long days and pleasant nights

John, are you blind or going blind? No? You may proceed. (Don't tell us).

[Sigmund]

Hi,

What is 'too much'?

Who decides?

And who are the Orgasm Police? LOL

Long days and pleasant nights

Hi Mr.D!
'Orgasm Police'? :oh: Sorta makes "The Library Police' sound less scary. :laugh:

The joke goes something like-

Adult-if you keep doing that masturbate you'll go blind.

Youngster-Can I keep doing it just until I need glasses?

[blunthead]

Do women get hairy palms...?

[fljoe0]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In
no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap."

[blunthead]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!
____________
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks sweetly.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...

"It's that time of the month".

[Haunted]

13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

13. Potential Murder Suspect

[Sundrop]

A
little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I am broke and havent got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Dont be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork,cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[MrsSmeej]

Actually, the saying is not ' too much sex causes you to go blind' it is 'too much masturbation will cause you to go blind' And give you hairy palms! :oo:


I see no difference.

:rofl:

[fljoe0]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[blunthead]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies vol 1...

It is always possible to park directly outside any building you want.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, anyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Any laptop computer is powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

People knocked unconscious by a blow to the head will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

[Moderator]

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:


Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

[blunthead]

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

This is my favorite, and not only since I don't need any of those other classes...:biggrin2:

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies...

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless the door is to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment you turn the television on.

[ChickenStu]

Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse are having an affair. They've rented a hotel room. Before they make mad passionate love, Minnie says "Donald - we need to be safe. If I get pregnant and give birth to a duck, Micky will get suspicious."
So Donald pulls on his sailor's uniform and runs down to the hotel shop.
"Hi, I need some condoms please" he says to the clerk.
"Certainly" replies the clerk "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
A furious Donald replies "What do you think I am, some kind of pervert?!?!"

[ChickenStu]

When I was at school, I was better at languages than I was at science.
My chemistry teacher and I had no rapport.

[blunthead]

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. "I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him." "And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly. "And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. "I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." --Ellen Degeneres

"The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun." --Ellen Degeneres

[lenona]

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

If this class isn't filled please add my husband's name. I will pay extra to get him if you can squeeze him in.

My Joke:
A blond and a brunette are shopping in the mall. They are in front of the cookie store and decide to see what kind of cookies are for sell.
As they are looking in the display case the blond asks the clerk how much for a cookie.
The Clerk responds, " twenty-five cents for one cookie"
The blond picks out a cookie and looks in her purse for some money and finds she has none. She turns to her friend the brunette and asks to borrow twenty-five cents.
The brunette pulls a quarter from her coin purse and hands it to the Blond.
The Blond takes the quarter looks at the coin and make a disapproving face and says, "This ones is expired." :glare:

[blunthead]

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit on the head with a ball peen hammer. (I know and I'm a cat lover!)

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Bumper sticker: If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

[ChickenStu]

Bumper sticker: If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

GENIUS!!!

[EXISTESS]

Sorry this is late. I musta passed over it:

The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
Opening prayers:
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.
Four questions:
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.
The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.
If he'd parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)
Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
SERVE MEAL.

[EXISTESS]

http://dalesdesigns.net/rock-on.htm

Funny as hell-hope it opens!
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

These great questions and answers are from the days when the Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
:devil:

[Haunted]

Interesting fact about Hellmann's Mayonnaise:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its
stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observed to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

(This was forwarded to me by my dear friend G. who is Hispanic!)

[Moderator]

:rofl:

[EXISTESS]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to



determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who
inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She
claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry
and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was
into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the
balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail
by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a
flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings
and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to
drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the
man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on
to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the
roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled
over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the
balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit
some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge
chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed
and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle
as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He
apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding
in this cedar chest....."

:devil:

[Haunted]

http://mid4.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/aging.jpg

[EXISTESS]

EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).


A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)..
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHlT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

A middle-aged man was asking advice from his Trainer at the gym.
" I want to impress that beautiful girl over there, which machine should I use? "

Trainer: " You should use the ATM machine just outside this gym ''

Bada-BING!!!
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Hahahahaha:
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

An oldie, but still worth a read:cool2:

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS
IS A TRUE STORY.FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm..

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink, or swear
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you CAN sell their children.
:devil:

[blunthead]

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT [My] PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. I like this one.

[fljoe0]

A Dog's Diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable
of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement
for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use
it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am
convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously
retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody
for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[blunthead]

Her family wheeled Grandma out to the lawn in her wheelchair to enjoy her 100th birthday festivities. She couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes. After a while Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members straightened her up.

A little later she started leaning to her left, so they straightened her up again. She started leaning forward and they straightened her the third time.

Her grandson arriving late ran up to her and said, "Grandma! How are they treating you?"

Grandma wrote on her little notepad, "What do I have to do around here to pass some gas?".
______________________
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the kid for him for the next few miles.

Finally, the punk looks at the old man and says, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

The old man says, "Yes, I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."
____________________
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

Birthday morning he got her up bright and early and off they went to the theme park. He put her on every ride in the park: The Slide of Death, The Screaming Loop, The Wall of Fear, The Terror of Ungodly Horror. He gave her a go at all of it.

Five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down, her husband took her to McDonald's, where she ate a Double Big Mac with large fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to the movies and popcorn and cola and candy. Finally, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

She groaned, "Actually, I meant dress size."
___________________
Sunday morning the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church's foyer. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

"Father Donovan," the boy asked, "what is this?"

"Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," the priest explained. They stood together in silence, staring at the memorial plaque.

Little Davey finally whispered, "The 9:00 service or the 10:30?"

[Haunted]

Grandma doesn't know everything!!

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.
'Oh,' Little Tony said, 'OK,' and he went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called that! It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!'

[EXISTESS]

Blonde Joke Time!

She was so blonde that she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?
A: Third grade.

Q: Why do blondes smile when there's lightning? A: Because they think they're getting their picture taken!


A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

:devil:

[Haunted]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the child.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

[StoryTellerRose]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L57-vQvo34E

[Haunted]

*** Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5.. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

[Haunted]

Adult Truths (cont'd)

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)