All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[BlackThorn]

I just saw this joke in the movie, "Spies Like Us".


Uh no. It's a dikfer...

-- What's a dikfer?

...

Peein.

Also, a henway... is about four pounds.


Hehe, Dan Aykroyd Chevy Chase ruled in this one.

[smjohn]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

[Moderator]

:rofl:

[Spideyman]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.



Outstanding!:biggrin2:

[La Belladonna]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[JohnDalglish]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

Hi,

ROFFLMFAO!!!

Marvellous, smjohn!

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

[LadyPain]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

:rofl: :rofl:

Ooooh, I liked that one!!!

[Kim L.]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

:rofl:

[Kim L.]

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

They pulled the same trick last year. I was ready for them this time, though. I only got half-naked.

[Charms7]

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.


I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

What???? That was a scam????? I thought it kind of odd the way they couldn't contain their laughter. (This was a good one, Anni.)

[Charms7]

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a**h***!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a**h***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**h***!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a**h***' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**h***!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**h*** (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**h***, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen," I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an a**h***!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called a**h*** #1. He said, "Hello." I said, "You're an a**h***!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah," He screamed, "Stop calling me," I said, "Make me," He asked, "Who are you?" I said, "My name is Don Hansen." He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "a**h***, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**h***," and hung up.

Then I called a**h*** #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, a**h***," He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass," I answered, "Well, a**h***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

I had to change my Depends twice over this one!

[Charms7]

It's a long read, but you might like the ending:smile2:

Women age badly; and how men should deal with it.

No matter how you try to please some women, they just don't appreciate it!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Angie.
When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Angie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Angie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?



EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Angie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.



I forwarded this to many! Thanks for the belly laugh, Spidey!

[smjohn]

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

[LadyPain]

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

:rofl:

[Cowboy]

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandpa did, in his sleep.

Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.

[Sundrop]

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandpa did, in his sleep.

Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.

:rofl:

[rose key]

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandpa did, in his sleep.

Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.

:rofl:
Oh, Cowboy, you're a pistol!!

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg An Auntie Anna Classique


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

[rose key]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg An Auntie Anna Classique


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.


Beautiful! Auntie Anna is a very wise and funny lady. Love to hear from her, thanks, Anni!:love:

[Kim L.]

Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you
needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[EXISTESS]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
:devil:
Ex

[rose key]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'
:devil:
Ex

:rofl:

[Sundrop]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh*t, That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.

[Sundrop]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars,
but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.''

[LadyPain]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars,
but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman.''

ROFLMFAO!!! :rofl: :rofl:

[Cowboy]

Good stuff people.....lol :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in, oh, lets say Guelph.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual routine that includes blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind discriminate against blondes, and all in the name of humor!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh1t on your knee!!'

[Spideyman]

A great start to the week!

[smjohn]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb...

[smjohn]

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you....'

[Anni M]

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Sh*t, That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.

hahahahahahaha :rofl:


Spidey's right!! a great start to the week!

[Anni M]

Aunti Anna Classique`

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
'Hello,' she says in her accented voice.

'Hello,' says the male voice at the other end, followed by heavy breathing. Then he says.....

'I bet you'd really like it if I came around, ripped off your blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you.'

The Jewish lady replies, 'From one 'hello,' you can tell all this?'

[constantreader85]

when i go into a hotel and they ask me in the restaurant how i want my eggs done, I say Sigmund:smile2:

[Kim L.]

Aunti Anna Classique`

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
'Hello,' she says in her accented voice.

'Hello,' says the male voice at the other end, followed by heavy breathing. Then he says.....

'I bet you'd really like it if I came around, ripped off your blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you.'

The Jewish lady replies, 'From one 'hello,' you can tell all this?'

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
More, please!

[MrsSmeej]

:rofl:

I can't believe that I haven't checked in here in a while. Especially love the famous people quotes... Roosevelt and Churchill and Twain, oh my... Okay, here is my mother's favorite joke...

What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $3.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

[EXISTESS]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma"
.

[LadyPain]

when i go into a hotel and they ask me in the restaurant how i want my eggs done, I say Sigmund:smile2:

Heck, when I'm asked how I want my eggs in the morning, I tend to say...

Unfertilized, thank you.

[smjohn]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MANS POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
The End

[Sundrop]

Aunti Anna Classique`

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings.
'Hello,' she says in her accented voice.

'Hello,' says the male voice at the other end, followed by heavy breathing. Then he says.....

'I bet you'd really like it if I came around, ripped off your blouse and bra and panties, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you.'

The Jewish lady replies, 'From one 'hello,' you can tell all this?'

:rofl:

[Sundrop]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.:biggrin2:

[Spideyman]

:biggrin2:That tops the list of Priceless

[Anni M]

:laugh::laugh::laugh:
More, please! OKAY!!!!
These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________ __________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?!
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

to be cont....

[Anni M]

More

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.
:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Anni M]

The Hair Cut

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut
before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15,and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head
and surveyed his reflection,
which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures
$20.'
'Why not?' he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out
and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men
need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and
almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now
had a button sewn neatly on the end.

[Kim L.]

More

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral,
OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.
:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

:laugh::laugh:
Thanks, Anni!

[Anni M]

:laugh::laugh:
Thanks, Anni!
chuckle chuckle chuckle :laugh::laugh:

[Spideyman]

Anni, these are great. Dog thinks I'm nuts cause I'm laughing so hard.:grinning:

[LadyPain]

The Hair Cut

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut
before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if
there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your
purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted
$15,and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine
started to buzz and trim. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head
and surveyed his reflection,
which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures
$20.'
'Why not?' he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out
and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men
need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.
He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and
with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and
almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now
had a button sewn neatly on the end.


Oh chit.... almost totally lost it with this one...

[Dr. Fudd]

This is an e-mail forward. It's so bad I want others to suffer with me...
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.They warned her about going out and getting half-baked , so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring
cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, And the greasy guys from France, called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

A COMMENTATOR (emphasis is absolutely not mine)

[smjohn]

Drunk at Your Door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

[Cowboy]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder... Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out", and he left.


The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"


Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat be-draggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."



"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering;
What if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"



St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.



"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.



"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

[LadyPain]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder... Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out", and he left.


The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"


Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat be-draggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."



"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering;
What if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"



St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.



"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.



"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

*ROFLMFAO*

[Cola]

Drunk at Your Door
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."

:rofl:

[BobGray]

two monkeys in a bath, one says "ooh ooh, ahh ahh" the other others says "sorry shall I put some cold in"?

[marew1]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

[Spideyman]

These jokes are a ray of sunshine. Thankee all.:smile2:

[rose key]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,”Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

”Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”

[Sundrop]

A Lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming," and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling," and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly control myself. BUT---when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident." I laughed out loud."

[Cowboy]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,”Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

”Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”

Oh, I like that one.....:biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adc3MSS5Ydc

http://i93.photobucket.com/albums/l41/jalancampbell/jibjab_characters_blog.jpg
A little political humor, not to worry there is not one group of folks who will be offended... I think they all will. I know I am LOL.
(When I previewed this post I couldn't link to the vid, mayhap it will work mayhap it won't we shall see)

[killyerdarlings]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,”Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?” asked the doctor.

”Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied , “My point exactly.”
:rofl:
TOO FUNNY!

[Charms7]

Too funny everyone.

This one just in:

The Living Statues

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

[smjohn]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few moments later a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom door to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?". You're scaring the customers, " "I'm just sitting here on the toilet, slurs the drunk, and everytime I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles. With that, the bartender opens the door and says, "you idiot, you are sitting on the mop bucket".

[Anni M]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,"No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Slightly childish, albeit literary LOL

Whats brown and stays in attics?

The Diarrhoea of Anne Frank

LOng days and pleasant nights

[mstay]

Hi,

Slightly childish, albeit literary LOL

Whats brown and stays in attics?

The Diarrhoea of Anne Frank

LOng days and pleasant nights

:laugh:

[Kim L.]

Hi,

Slightly childish, albeit literary LOL

Whats brown and stays in attics?

The Diarrhoea of Anne Frank

LOng days and pleasant nights

Love those literary jokes.:biggrin2:

[LadyPain]

A Lady who was about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man's smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Gold Dust Twins Are Coming," and I had to smile. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment Will Reduce The Swelling," and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did The Trick", and I could hardly control myself. BUT---when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented This Accident." I laughed out loud."

Oh that one is gooood.:biggrin2:

[Sundrop]

A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from
inside the apartment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having
a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "For crying out loud Bob,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the kids"!!!

[rose key]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few moments later a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom door to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?". You're scaring the customers, " "I'm just sitting here on the toilet, slurs the drunk, and everytime I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles. With that, the bartender opens the door and says, "you idiot, you are sitting on the mop bucket".
:rofl:
Catching up on my reading & just saw this! Really good one, smj!

[Sundrop]

How To Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

[mstay]

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! . God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! ... He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map,
hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

[Kim L.]

How To Give Your Cat a Pill

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.


:rofl::laugh:

[Sundrop]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects it spied between my legs. It had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, the cat leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with it's needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. While fleeing straight up, The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter?" they asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!

[Patricia A]

how to give your cat a pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "that's a nice kitty." drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "who's the boss here, anyway?" open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

lol! Been there done that have the t shirt!

[mstay]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects it spied between my legs. It had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, the cat leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with it's needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. While fleeing straight up, The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter?" they asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!

:rofl::rofl:

[Spideyman]

:rofl::rofl: kittens do love dangling toys.

[Gallina]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects it spied between my legs. It had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, the cat leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with it's needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. While fleeing straight up, The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter?" they asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!!



:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

BURGLARY WITNESS

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

[psycho_killer]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbazz'.

[psycho_killer]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns.....

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A variety of engine faults can cause a car to stall after it's been driven a short distance. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[Sundrop]

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit."

The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place."

The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?"

The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"

[Gwenivere]

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch
all your teeth
with your tongue.



2. All idiots,
after reading the first truth,
will try it.



3. And discover that
The first truth is a lie.



4. You're smiling now
because you're an idiot.


5. You soon will forward
this to another idiot.

6. There's still
a stupid smile
on your face.

I apologize for forwarding this ...

I'm an idiot and I needed company.

[Draga]

:rofl: good psycho_killer! And that sort of thing has happened to me but with a gay friend. He always answered sth different from that I was asking him. But when he had a problem I had to be all ears. Poor feedback there. Your joke is not too far from reality, it's like those articles from the Reader's Digest about daily life.

[KatieScarlet]

The "old people from Maine" joke.
An old man and an old woman pull into a gas station. The attendant comes out and sees that the car has a plate from Maine. He says to the old man driving, "I see you're from Maine".
The old man says, "Ayuh"
The old lady, who is hard of hearing says loudly "What did he say?"
The man says, "He said he sees we're from Maine"
She says, "oh"
So the attendant, seeing a sticker that reads Have fun in Bangor, says, "So I see you're from Bangor"
The old man says, "Ayuh" and the old lady says, "What did he say?"
The old man says' "He said he sees we're from Bangor."
The old lady says, "oh".
So the attendant says " I had the worst sex of my life in Bangor, Maine"
The old man said "Ayuh" and the old lady says," What did he say?"
and the old man said, "He says he knows you."

[BlackEye]

Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch
all your teeth
with your tongue.



2. All idiots,
after reading the first truth,
will try it.



3. And discover that
The first truth is a lie.



4. You're smiling now
because you're an idiot.


5. You soon will forward
this to another idiot.

6. There's still
a stupid smile
on your face.

I apologize for forwarding this ...

I'm an idiot and I needed company.

:biggrin2:

You fruit cake. Good one.

[Spideyman]

These are great guys and gals. Laughter is so good for the spirit.:biggrin2:

[Alexfan95]

Hi
I know a "joke". It´s famous replic by him - **** Same Differant Day

[Gwenivere]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns.....


I hope this helps.

Walter

No, I guess men should not write advice columns. I think Walter would have been standing right along side Shelia also scratching his head. The first thing she should have done was check the fuel gauge. My guess would be the car ran out of gas.:oo:

[BlackEye]

No, I guess men should not write advice columns. I think Walter would have been standing right along side Shelia also scratching his head. The first thing she should have done was check the fuel gauge. My guess would be the car ran out of gas.:oo:

Oh, I was thinking that Sheila needs to prime the pump more often. :biggrin2:

[Gwenivere]

Oh, I was thinking that Sheila needs to prime the pump more often. :biggrin2:

Ohh! You are sooo BAD!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[psycho_killer]

Caption this....

http://i35.tinypic.com/2w658k4.jpg

One Stop shopping.......

[EXISTESS]

An artist brought her lover home one afternoon. Amongst many statues, sculptures and paintings, she brought him into her bed and they spent the next few hours having a passionate roll in the hay.
As they were lying together in the afterglow, a car was heard pulling into the driveway.
"Oh no!" the woman exclaimed. "My husband's home! I didn't expect him home so early!"
She jumped out of bed and looked for a place for her lover to hide. The bathroom was too obvious, the closet was full of stuff and there were too many art projects under the bed to fit a person. She heard her husband come in the front door.
Suddenly she had an idea. "I know!" she said. "Wait here." She ran into the bathroom, came back with a large bottle of baby powder and moved a few pieces of art to clear a space in the corner of the room.
"Stand here," she said. "Yes, like that. Now stand still." She then proceeded to sprinkle baby powder all over him until he was completely white. "Now stay like that. You're a statue, OK? Don't move!" she said. He stood still.
Her husband came into the room. "Hi, Honey," he said. They hugged. After some conversation, they too hopped into bed for more passionate lovemaking.
A couple hours later, she got up. "I'm going to start the wash in the basement, dear," she said. "Bring the detergent down, will you?" She looked over in the corner. Her lover was still standing motionless.
She left. The husband brought the detergent down and then went to the kitchen and got a glass of ice water. He went back upstairs, walked around the room, stopped at the corner and studied the "statue."
"Here," he said as he offered the glass. "You must be dying of thirst."
The man stood still for another moment and then decided to let his guard down and take the water. "Thanks," he said.
"Sure thing," the husband said. "I know firsthand what it's like being secretly involved with an artist. Just last week I had to stand still for nearly three hours and nobody brought me anything!"
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Q) How do you make a bull sweat?
A) Give him a tight Jersey.

Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
A) Its called 101 ways to wok your dog.

Q) What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
A) Rhesus pieces.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?

Spot

:rofl:
:devil:
Ex

[mstay]

What did the blonde name her pet zebra? (http://humor-in-photos-and-pictures.blogspot.com/)

Spot (http://humor-in-photos-and-pictures.blogspot.com/)

:rofl:
:devil:
Ex


The spoiler button is still messed up Ms. Mod. It took me to some weird picture of a guy with a lamp on his head.:umm:

[Moderator]

It wasn't the spoiler button that time. There was a link embedded in Ex's original post so I've retyped it to remove the link.

[BlackEye]

Ohh! You are sooo BAD!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

:biggrin2:

I know. But it is fun. :smile2:

[LadyPain]

An artist brought her lover home one afternoon. Amongst many statues, sculptures and paintings, she brought him into her bed and they spent the next few hours having a passionate roll in the hay.
As they were lying together in the afterglow, a car was heard pulling into the driveway.
"Oh no!" the woman exclaimed. "My husband's home! I didn't expect him home so early!"
She jumped out of bed and looked for a place for her lover to hide. The bathroom was too obvious, the closet was full of stuff and there were too many art projects under the bed to fit a person. She heard her husband come in the front door.
Suddenly she had an idea. "I know!" she said. "Wait here." She ran into the bathroom, came back with a large bottle of baby powder and moved a few pieces of art to clear a space in the corner of the room.
"Stand here," she said. "Yes, like that. Now stand still." She then proceeded to sprinkle baby powder all over him until he was completely white. "Now stay like that. You're a statue, OK? Don't move!" she said. He stood still.
Her husband came into the room. "Hi, Honey," he said. They hugged. After some conversation, they too hopped into bed for more passionate lovemaking.
A couple hours later, she got up. "I'm going to start the wash in the basement, dear," she said. "Bring the detergent down, will you?" She looked over in the corner. Her lover was still standing motionless.
She left. The husband brought the detergent down and then went to the kitchen and got a glass of ice water. He went back upstairs, walked around the room, stopped at the corner and studied the "statue."
"Here," he said as he offered the glass. "You must be dying of thirst."
The man stood still for another moment and then decided to let his guard down and take the water. "Thanks," he said.
"Sure thing," the husband said. "I know firsthand what it's like being secretly involved with an artist. Just last week I had to stand still for nearly three hours and nobody brought me anything!"
:devil:
Ex


I almost choked on my tea! :rofl:

[babylove]

So this little mushroom gets all dressed up for a night out,he walks into a bar,and has a seat~soon a pretty lady comes and sits next to him,he eyes her up and down,he finally gets up the nerve to strike up a conversation."well,hello,pretty girl,care to dance with me?"she looks at him with disgust,and says"eeww,i don't associate with MUSHROOMS!"he loks a bit sad,but responds"I'm not a mushroom,I'm a fun-guy!"waaa waaa waaa.....

[Kim L.]

EX is back and she's better than ever!

[Spideyman]

Great jokes to start off a great week:smile2:

[LadyPain]

Q) How do you make a bull sweat?
A) Give him a tight Jersey.

Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
A) Its called 101 ways to wok your dog.

Q) What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
A) Rhesus pieces.
:devil:
Ex


:rofl:

You got me giggling with the bull one. I know some farmers that might like that joke.

[dark score]

Ok so this guy rubs a lamp & a genie pops out. I will grant you one wish he says & after thinking for a minute the guy makes his wish. Straight away he lets out a shout and pulls down his pants. there sticking out of his shorts is a little man,one foot tall,playing a little piano. What the hell he shouts at the genie who replies'I'm sorry,Ithought you said 12 inch pianist':biggrin2:

[Reesespieces]

The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the
last number and then the numbers began to light in the
reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'

[bloodroses]

Duck walks into a bar ,asks the bartender "got any GWAPES" no says the bartender .The duck comes in everyday for a month asking if he has any GWAPES.The bartender says if u come in here tommorrow I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor.Next day the duck comes in and asks "You got any staples?"The bartender says no.then the duck asks "Got any GWAPES?:love:

[smjohn]

Ya gotta love Bubba:) He's as classic as Little Johnny:)

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old fool.. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little, and drop a fist-sized tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away,
laughing, looking sick!

Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "For crying out loud!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

[smjohn]

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

'Jen, is the cat there?' 'Yes,' the wife answers, 'why do you ask?'

Frustrated, the man answered, 'Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!'

[smjohn]

Bobby & Peggy Sue (her dad & Prom night)

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

[smjohn]

Abe & Sol

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

[smjohn]

Subject: Home Security

FROM: The National Rifle Association:

HOW TO INSTALL THE NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside......
INSTALLATION COMPLETE !!!

[smjohn]

And that's when the fight started:)

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station....

And then the fight started....
**********************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*********************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

[smjohn]

RETIREMENT PLANS


If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$49.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan

[smjohn]

The Chicken Farmer

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken Farmer it is."

[kittykat]

My aunt sent me this. Thought y'all might get a kick out of it.

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to re install Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[smjohn]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

[LadyPain]

My aunt sent me this. Thought y'all might get a kick out of it.

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to re install Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Wicked WICKED gigglefitz going on here.... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[JohnDalglish]

My aunt sent me this. Thought y'all might get a kick out of it.

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to re install Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Hi,

ROFFLMFAO !!! Thankee kittykat.

Long days and pleasant nights

[LadyPain]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

I read this one to my husband and he informed me that it is a translation of a German song. He liked it, though. It gave me the giggles last night as well.

[rose key]

Questions without answers....

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest , but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes , why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner , then reach down, pick it up, examine it ,then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch some thing that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay , then it's you.

[chimpanity]

Knock knock

Who's there?

Chooch

Chooch who..?

ahhhhhh your a train!

[smjohn]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it ' s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where ' s that extra penny going to?

Once you ' re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you ' re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?They ' re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan ' s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can ' t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They ' re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Seriously...

[Cowboy]

The Texan

There was once a young Texan who was in the military and based in Hawaii. Regardless of what the subject was or what his new friends were talking about, he always said how they had that in Texas and how it was usually bigger and better.
After a while, this wore on everyone and one of the soldiers from Hawaii, said he knew how to shut him up. They took the young Texan up in a helicopter and flew him over a volcano that was spitting fire and lava. Very smuggly the soldiers looked at the Texan and said, "bet you don't have one of these in Texas!"
The young Texan said, "no, but we have a team of firefighters there that could put this thing out!"
:biggrin2:

[LadyPain]

The Texan

There was once a young Texan who was in the military and based in Hawaii. Regardless of what the subject was or what his new friends were talking about, he always said how they had that in Texas and how it was usually bigger and better.
After a while, this wore on everyone and one of the soldiers from Hawaii, said he knew how to shut him up. They took the young Texan up in a helicopter and flew him over a volcano that was spitting fire and lava. Very smuggly the soldiers looked at the Texan and said, "bet you don't have one of these in Texas!"
The young Texan said, "no, but we have a team of firefighters there that could put this thing out!"
:biggrin2:

I like this one, Cowboy! :biggrin2:

[AngelZ]

A married man spent the weekend playing golf and partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'


Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[MadamMack]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it ' s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where ' s that extra penny going to?

Once you ' re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you ' re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?They ' re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan ' s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can ' t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They ' re both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Seriously...

:rofl:

[Reesespieces]

ItalianTomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to
plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult
work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig
the plot for me, like in the ole days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies
are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and dug up the ent ire area without finding any
bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same
day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie

[Gwenivere]

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p107/396347/YellowstoneSign2.jpg

[Reesespieces]

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p107/396347/YellowstoneSign2.jpg

LOL....is that a real sign????

[Charms7]

Thanks to the "trendies" and the sheer passage of time, someday our less than desirable old folks homes will have residents with names such as Amber, Tiffany, Caitlin, Morgan, Courtney, Whitney, Ashley, Heather, Brittany and Megan. Lest us not to forget Lori, Suzi, Debi, Keli, Wendi and any other name one could possibly spell with the ending of an "i."

There are names like Hope, Faith, Joy and Prudence. Why aren't there women with names like Despair, Guilt, Rage and Grief? Fair is fair. "Joe, I would like you to meet my new friend, Tragedy." Only these days, it is Trajedi.

[rose key]

http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p107/396347/YellowstoneSign2.jpg

That outta make you think twice about messing with a grizzly!!:biggrin2:

[Dr. Fudd]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


1)If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

2)Can you cry under water?

3)How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

4)Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

5)Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

6)Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

7)What disease did cured ham actually have?

8)How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

9)Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

10)If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

11)Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

12)Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

13)Why do doctors leave the room while you change?They're going to see you naked anyway.

14)Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

15)Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

16)If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

17)Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

18)If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why 1can't he fix a hole in a boat?

19)Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

20)If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

21)If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

22)If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

23)Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

24)Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

25)Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

26)Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?Because the wind doesn't smell like it just ate the butt out of dead possum.

Seriously...Answers to questions that haunt you:
1) Rape, unless you steal something from her Shop O' Prostitution.(in some countries it's regarded as just bad manners)
2) Yes but you'd better be wearing an air tank. That sharp in-hale that's coming will be rough without it.
3) They have to be in charge of the lives of many others.
4) Obviously your opinion is more expensive than your thoughts. At least that's my 2 cents worth on the subject... The extra penny is the charge for voicing the stupid thing you were just thinking. I run a tab myself..
5) No. Revelations 6:11, 7:9 and 7:13. Unless you died wearing a white robe and then possibly Rev 7:14.
6) Because the corners of the old square pizza's hung over the edges of the round boxes. Pizza technology and Pizza box technology progressed independently and too quickly leaving us where we are now. When the Pizza Counsel was asked this question they said, "Just shut up and eat your pizza or Joey Bag a' Donuts here is going to make a square hole in your round head." So I suggest you just leave it alone.
7) Heavy metal poisoning from the bolt shot into it's head when it was slaughtered.
8) Because wheels on luggage won't help you drag your suitcase across the surface of the m.o.o.n.(that spells "Duh")
9) Because most people wake up whining about stuff.
10) Yes.
11) You got me.
12) Because people are idiots.
13) Look at yourself naked and then ask this question again. It's due to the shock and awe of discovery.
14) Because the bra only does one job while two or more jobs are done in the panties.
15) Oh, you don't vant to know de ansver to dis quevestion.
16) Because crackers are no one, and no one cares.
17) Yes but they'll get a ticket if caught, dead or alive.
18)Like all geeks he was hoping to get lucky with Maryann and being rescued from the island would have messed that up. A better question is, why weren't the other castaway's asking this question?
19) Goofy is more excited. Wait, what are you asking?
20) There weren't any good restaurants around that served Roadrunner.
21) It depends on where you get it...
22) Lately, yes.
23) Probably. They're also the same as the Star Wars theme...
24) Because you asked me if they were the same.
25) No, even if you have a hemorrhoid and you some how launch it into space, it'll still be considered a hemorrhoid. Same with an asteroid but if that switches places with your hemorrhoid it's considered a pain in the butt that's out of this world.

Next silly Question?

[kittykat]

Grandma

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Dr. Fudd]

Tax Poem

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful
truth of it. Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his a--.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
upon his tomb,
' Taxes drove me to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax ontop of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation
was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle
class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

[Dr. Fudd]

It's a long read, but you might like the ending:smile2:

Women age badly; and how men should deal with it.

No matter how you try to please some women, they just don't appreciate it!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Angie.
When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Angie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Angie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?



EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Angie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

accidently sat on it, 15 times..... Obviously the Andy Capp method of marital compromise.

[smjohn]

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an
error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

[Anni M]

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors, Hedge Fund operators and prospered.







Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.







The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama.'







The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.'







The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.'







The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.'







Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: 'Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much.'







'Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway..'







'Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks.'







'Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. 'The chicken was delicious.'

[smjohn]

For Dana Jean:)

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:by: Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL - AND BEST THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them Love & God Bless

[Draga]

A Drink From The River

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, 'Wha a gwan?' The monkey says, 'You want some?' So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they burn the herb.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and that he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, goes to the river and leans over to get his drink. Well, the lizard is so high that he leans too far over, and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard, helping him to the side, then asks, 'Wuh de rass wrong wid you?' The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a tree smoking a spliff with a monkey and got too stoned, which caused him to fall into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he's got to check this monkey out and get some weed too, so off he walks , where he finds the tree and the monkey is still sitting and puffing on his joint. He looks up and says 'Hey you!'

The Monkey looks down ..rubs his eyes, and says, 'Wat de rass? ......how much water you drink?'

[Draga]

FALL Fashion!

http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a216/FardaBling/?action=view&current=Model.flv

[Sundrop]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, 'I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed! uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is sternum.'

[Draga]

How Rumors Start

http://s12.photobucket.com/albums/a216/FardaBling/?action=view&current=howrumorsstart.flv

[Kim L.]

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an
error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

Good work, doc!

[EXISTESS]

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to
make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds,
Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're
stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing
there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make
myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream
with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and
28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the
Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin
board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture
him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are
healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried,
said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom '
:devil:

[BlackThorn]

What do you call a doctor who graduates last in their class?

Doctor.

Although, a friend once told me you call them A Military Doctor.

[ami]

:):):)

[Dr. Fudd]

What do you call a doctor who graduates last in their class?

Doctor.

Although, a friend once told me you call them A Military Doctor.No, the ones that bring up the rear of the class become proctologists.

[smjohn]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.'

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

'My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.'

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!'

[rose key]

A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say Hello.

[Message Board90]

a cannibal said he didn't like his sister and the other one said just eat the pasta

[Message Board90]

why was the sister covered in butter? It was almost dinner time.

[Message Board90]

A eight year old was arrested one morning while eating breakfast, He was charged for being a serial killer.

[lorelei_lou]

What happened to the cannibal who was late for a dinner party?

The guests gave him the cold shoulder

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

2 goldfish in a tank, one says to the other....... 'How do we drive this thing'?

[EXISTESS]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The very busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.''
Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you.

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Dear Ex Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-HusbandNothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me 'not to say anything if you can't say something nice' I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex Wife, rich as hell and free of you!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!!!

[EXISTESS]

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, became doctors, Hedge Fund operators and prospered.



Some years later, chatting after a Chanukah dinner, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.



The first said, 'I had a big house built for Mama.'



The second said, 'I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.'



The third said, 'I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur.'


The fourth said, 'Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.'

Soon thereafter,Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

'Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much.'



'Menachim, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway..'



'Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks.'



'Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. 'The chicken was delicious.'

:devil:

[rose key]

HAAAAA!!! Godd ones, EX!:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[EXISTESS]

HAAAAA!!! Good ones, EX!:biggrin2::biggrin2:
I have missed my favourite topic and you lovely people who read the goofy jokes I post, I missed you too!!! :love:
MWA!
:devil:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2188/2106884698_232bcae240_m.jpg Aunti Anna Classiques`:love:
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
-----------------------------
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1.. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2188/2106884698_232bcae240_m.jpg Auntie Anna Classique`

The Jewish Buddah

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.
:smile2:

[Anni M]

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'
She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle
of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they
can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past
a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You
don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we! ! praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal . For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald,
paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!

[ONEWHITEDUCK]

a duck walked into a drugstore, sez to the clerk "ï need a tube of chapstick and put it on my bill!"


ummmmm........i think i'm in love :-)

[sunnymariesings]

Woohoo, the first person to post a joke! Oh well, I'd better make them good!

Right, There's two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other 'How do we drive this thing?'

Whats brown and Sticky? - A Stick

Whats Pink and hard? - A pig with a flick-knife!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

Why do women have small hands? So they can fit inside cups

Why do women have small feet? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

ha ha ha ha ha the last two are so true...

[sunnymariesings]

Dear Ex Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-HusbandNothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me 'not to say anything if you can't say something nice' I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex Wife, rich as hell and free of you!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla
was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA:laugh:... this is the funniest thing i have heard (or read) in a long long time!!!!

[sunnymariesings]

Here's somethin for us lady's...

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A WOMAN
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

[Sheila Carlyle]

Me: "Hahahahaha SNORT hahahaha
My Man: What the...

And I've only just found this thread,and gotten through this page and Dec. of '07!

Man wakes up, goes out to get the paper, and discovers dozens of penguins roaming around his yard.
Puzzled, he decides to wrangle em all into his car and figure out what action to take while they drive around.
A cop drives by, does a double take, then pulls the man over, saying "Hey, guy, what's the story w/all those penguins?"
"Well",the man responds,"I just found them,and I'm at a loss of what to do with them."
"Oh, well,that's easy!"says the cop "Just take em to the zoo."
"Of course! Why didn't I think of that?" says the man, slapping his forehead.
The next evening, the same cop sees the same man w/the penguins still in his car driving around, so he pulls him over again and says "Say, buddy,didn't I tell you to take those birds to the zoo, yesterday?"
"You sure did, officer-and it was a great idea too! We had so much fun, I'm taking them to the drive-in tonight!"

I'm such a geek.

S.

[LadyPain]

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?'
She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle
of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they
can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past
a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You
don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we! ! praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal . For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald,
paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!


ROFLMFAOPIMP!!! :rofl: :rofl:

[redrumct]

A lady comes into a bar & sits down & a guy who's had too much to drink sits down next to her. She says, "Go away - your'e drunk!" He says, "Yeah, well, you're ugly - at least I'll wake up sober in the morning!"

[Kim L.]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2188/2106884698_232bcae240_m.jpg Auntie Anna Classique`

The Jewish Buddah


[/SIZE]
WAHAHAHAHAHA! I want to meet Auntie Anna!

[Anni M]

Here's somethin for us lady's...

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF A WOMAN
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch... do it and die!"

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?" :rofl:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Anni M]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...



BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.



clappity-BUMP. ..




clappity-BUMP. ..


clappity-BUMP. ..



on his heels, as the terrified man runs.




Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.




Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...




and,








(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)








The coffin stops!!!
:devil: :)

[EXISTESS]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impromptu things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big boobies!
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Maintain Your Level of Insanity!!! Here are some tips! :

1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on andpoint a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They WantFries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it ' In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone hasGotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write 'For SmugglingDiamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance of The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a seriousface.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropicalSounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend TheirParty Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, RockBottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. W hen Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity??
Its Called ... therapy!

:devil:

[Sheila Carlyle]

Existess::biggrin2:
I'm soooo glad this is the last thread I'm visiting today!
Just got off the phone w/my man, and when he asked me to stop by the store for him, I asked him if he wanted fries w/that...

Him:"Huh?"
Me:(silence)
Him:"What are you talking about?"
Me:(giggle)
Him:"Honey, are you high?"
Me:"Bye, darlin'!"

Have a great week-end, everyone!!

S.

[bopropadop]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...




Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...



BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.



clappity-BUMP. ..




clappity-BUMP. ..


clappity-BUMP. ..



on his heels, as the terrified man runs.




Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.




Bumping and clapping toward him.




The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...




and,








(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)








The coffin stops!!!
:devil: :)

:rofl: Love it!

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

Whats E.T. short for?


Because hes only got little legs!!!!!!

[EXISTESS]

Existess::biggrin2:
I'm soooo glad this is the last thread I'm visiting today!
Just got off the phone w/my man, and when he asked me to stop by the store for him, I asked him if he wanted fries w/that...

Him:"Huh?"
Me:(silence)
Him:"What are you talking about?"
Me:(giggle)
Him:"Honey, are you high?"
Me:"Bye, darlin'!"

Have a great week-end, everyone!!

S.

Did you really Atta girl Do it again but not too often heh heh I think I will stop using punctuation
In the name of the prophecy
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Mod, would you please change that to the Accordance of the Prophecy, please? :) Thanks!

[Anni M]

Whats E.T. short for?


Because hes only got little legs!!!!!! Hahahaha :rofl:


What's ET's girlfriends name?
E.Z.

[Kim L.]

How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

How do you confuse a drummer?

Five

What do you call a bass player who's fallen out with his girlfriend?

Homeless

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza
hahahaha ;laugh:

[spanishjoe74]

two blondes walk into a store.
you'd think one of them would have seen it.

[Sheila Carlyle]

What's blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette ?
A blonde doing cartwheels.

S.

[MrsSmeej]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago . The little boy (who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The very busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' The boy said, 'Yes, she did.''
Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you.

:devil:


:rofl: I love this thread.

[Anni M]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.



The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

[OrnateSky]

Roping A Deer

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.
It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back. Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run..
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope to sort of even the odds.
:rofl:

[Dr. Fudd]

DUE TO THE RECENT FISCAL CRISIS,

AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL,

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

Sincerely,
The Government

[chimpanity]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic kid who sold his soul to Santa?

[Anni M]

Aunti Anna Special!!!

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes
The Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle
It under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and
She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws
Open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
Line is backing up, putting the entire production line
Behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
Himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
Are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
Really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains
Of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush
Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece Of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to
Carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself
Together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
Yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
:rofl:

[Anni M]

Bad News From North Pole

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3094/3130997420_c965711274.jpg

[EXISTESS]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
"Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger says: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the
pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and
you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,
which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
the whole street blacks out.
But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman
and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was
in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to FrankFeldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died some time back.
I'm married to his damn widow."

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

(old but funny)
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

http://f880.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2431%5fAL0lvs4AAKXfSSrwOghXg0F19cg&pid=2.2&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1


http://f880.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f2431%5fAL0lvs4AAKXfSSrwOghXg0F19cg&pid=2.3&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1


One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.


Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 7 hours to read
Clinton :.... Over 7 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:.... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing







:devil:

[EXISTESS]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3252/3130204717_50ed3d4c37.jpg

:devil:

[Zo Zo]

Man goes into a café and approaches the waitress.
"Can I have a quicky please love?"
The waitress immediately smacks the man across the face and he promptly leaves.

The next day the same man goes into the same café and approaches a different waitress.
"Can I have a quicky please love?"
The waitress also immediately smacks the man across the face and he leaves again.

The next day the same man goes into the same café and yet again approaches a different waitress.
"Can I have a quicky please love?"
A man next to him at the bar politely taps him on the shoulder and says "Mate, it's pronounced 'quiche' "

[Anni M]

Man goes into a café and approaches the waitress.
"Can I have a quicky please love?"
The waitress immediately smacks the man across the face and he promptly leaves.

The next day the same man goes into the same café and approaches a different waitress.
"Can I have a quicky please love?"
The waitress also immediately smacks the man across the face and he leaves again.

The next day the same man goes into the same café and yet again approaches a different waitress.
"Can I have a quicky please love?"
A man next to him at the bar politely taps him on the shoulder and says "Mate, it's pronounced 'quiche' "

:rofl:

[psycho_killer]

An Austrian doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'


A German doctor says 'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'


The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Gwenivere]

http://i410.photobucket.com/albums/pp188/iheartmyspacealbum/Christmas%20Graphics/big2073740.jpg

[Patricia A]

A guy goes to the doctor, and about half way through the exam the doctor says solemnly, "I hate to tell you this fella, but you are going to have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Oh hell! Why?"
Then the doctor says, "On account of I need to finish this exam!" :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews


And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. And he had the same misgivings

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

After another. They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

[Anni M]

Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet...

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your Toothbrush..... :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

I just got this from Auntie Anna --she's getting rowdier every year! :eek2:

Dr.. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.




At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

:eek2:


:rofl:

[Jax]

An old woman went to the doctor because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor the problem and he said "You have crabs." She informed the doctor that could not possibly be because she was an eighty year old virgin.
She went to another doctor and explained the problem to him and he says, "You probably have crabs."
"No, I'm an eighty year old virgin," she explained.
Frustrated she goes to a third doctor. "Doctor can you help me. I have an itch in my crotch and don't tell me its crabs I'm an eighty year old virgin. It can't possibly be crabs."
The doctor tells her "Get on the table, lets have a look." After examining her the doctor says, "You're right you don't have crabs. This cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.":biggrin2:

[Kim L.]

A guy goes to the doctor, and about half way through the exam the doctor says solemnly, "I hate to tell you this fella, but you are going to have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Oh hell! Why?"
Then the doctor says, "On account of I need to finish this exam!" :biggrin2:

LOL I saw that joke in Esquire a couple of months ago :biggrin2:

[Kim L.]

Anni.......:rofl:

You do tell Auntie Anna "thank you" from us, don't you?

[staropeace]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out
and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland ....

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. andMrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......














Are you ready for this?






Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!







*

*
*
*


A COMMONTATER

[staropeace]

was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
> >"Hi, how are you?"
> >
> >I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know
> >what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
> >
> >And the other person says:
> >"So what are you up to?"
> >
> >What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
> >bizarre so I say:
> >"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
> >
> >At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
> >another question.
> >"Can I come over?"
> >
> >Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be
> >polite and end the conversation. I tell them
> >"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"
> >
> >Then I hear the person say nervously...
> >
> >"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall
> >who keeps answering all my questions."
> >
> >
> >Cell phones, don't you just love them
:biggrin2:

[AngelZ]

Putting Your Affairs in Order

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.

There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their
condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??' 'Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'


And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs in Order.'

[Anni M]

I didn't have a good Aunti Anna joke to share, so I hope you all get a laugh over this...my apologies to true blue Potter Fans...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umkEoe4NBPE

[thereaderguy]

why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crummy.

[Anni M]

Anni.......:rofl:

You do tell Auntie Anna "thank you" from us, don't you? I missed this...always do, Kim! ;~}} :love:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2188/2106884698_232bcae240_m.jpg An AA Clasique` :love:
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters -- misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
---------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
--------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
--------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell ?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

[smjohn]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America:

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN.'"

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO- BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[EXISTESS]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss[/URL] there.His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."Then she asked, "Did you dance [URL="http://www.hijokes.com/naughty/4648.html%23"] (http://www.hijokes.com/naughty/4648.html%23) much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.



To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss, apparently he had the time of his life."

[EXISTESS]

REAL Brain TEEZERS

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, He sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will become Wet or Sink --- as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid


:devil:

[Anni M]

Auntie Anna Special!

Far far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........."
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

[Sawney Beane]

The chinese man is looking for a job on this building site,so he has a brief interview with the foreman and although the chinese man doesn´t have any experience at all on the trade,the foreman pities him and says to him;"I tell you what you could do,you could be in charge of the supplies,is that all right to you?O.k,see you on monday morning."
So monday comes,and there´s the chinese man right on time ready to start,but at midday he´s nowhere to be found and after a quick search the foreman thinks he didn´t like the job and probably sneaked out without saying anything.
After a few weeks ,the job´s finished and they´re moving all the remaining timber and board out, when all of a sudden the chinese man appears behind a plaster board and goes;"Sulplise¡¡"

[EXISTESS]

Bumper Stickers
Collection 1

Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides

Don't come knocking if the car is rocking

Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain

All men are Idiots, and I married their King

DRIVE LIKE HELL.. YOU'LL GET THERE!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Bumper Stickers
Collection 2

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

If you are psychic - think HONK

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats

Keep honking, I'm reloading

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in public schools

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Honk if anything falls off

I are proud to be a college student
:devil:

[titansfan]

So my husband and i were sitting at the dinner table last night and he came to me with this riddle from work... everyone has probably heard it... but i have never thought of this answer...

what is something that if attempted and you fail it can be punishable by going to jail, but if you succeed there is no punishment.

So the answer that most people come up with is ... Suicide

However my husband came up with a much better answer that i had never thought of.
Over throwing the government

Hes that special 2% of people :)

[titansfan]

So if you were wondering about why i called my husband the specail 2%

This is a test.

Give it a try

Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

DO NOT go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..
You DO NOT need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:

How much is: 15 + 6





21





3 + 56





39





89 + 2





91





12 + 53





65





75 + 26




101






25 + 52





77










63 + 32




95









I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over. . .
Come on, one more! ...











123 + 5




128









QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
















You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?


If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have
a different, if not abnormal, mind.


98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

I thought of a red hammer.... and my husband thought of a yellow shovel...

What about the rest of you?

[rose key]

A purple hammer

3+56 is NOT 39, but I'm sure you just mis-typed it.:smile2: (Or was that part of the test?)


And, how about for the answer to the previous post, how about stopping for a red light? Course, most people won't go to jail for running a red light unless they've done something else wrong, as well. (Your answers are much better, but that's just what first popped into my mind.)

[Sundrop]

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt. He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed. When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story. Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?" "I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror....."

[AngelZ]

Why men shouldn't take messages:

http://i182.photobucket.com/albums/x175/angel_mom_photos/untitled.jpg

[psycho_killer]

Why men shouldn't take messages:

http://i182.photobucket.com/albums/x175/angel_mom_photos/untitled.jpg

BWAHAHAHAHAHA.........I'm stealin this, Thanks....

[psycho_killer]

So my husband and i were sitting at the dinner table last night and he came to me with this riddle from work... everyone has probably heard it... but i have never thought of this answer...

what is something that if attempted and you fail it can be punishable by going to jail, but if you succeed there is no punishment.

So the answer that most people come up with is ... Suicide

However my husband came up with a much better answer that i had never thought of.
Over throwing the government

Hes that special 2% of people :)

Drunk driving......:eek2:

[Drawn to Ka-tet]

What do you get if a cat eats a ball of yarn ?

a litter of mittens!

[terribilini]

A man decided to leave work early and go drinking. He stayed at the bar until it closed and by then, he was very drunk. When he got home, he didn't want to wake up his wife, so he removed his shoes and started to tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he fell backwards and landed flat on his butt. That wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a couple of empty bottles in his back pocket which broke and carved up his buttocks pretty badly. He was so drunk though, that he didn't even realize he was hurt. He made it up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he began to undress. Suddenly noticing some blood, he checked himself out in the mirror. Sure enough, he saw that his behind was cut up something awful. He repaired the damage as best he could, under the circumstances, and went to bed. When he woke up in the morning, his head was hurting, his backside was hurting, and he was cowering under the covers, trying to think up a good story. Just then, his wife entered the room and said, "Well, it looks like you really tied one on last night. Where were you?" "I worked late, dear," he replied, meekly, "and went out for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a good one," she snapped. "You got plastered! Where did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "my first clue was when I got up this morning and saw all the band-aids stuck to the mirror....."

awesome!!! i just woke up my kids laughing so loud. thanks

[Cowboy]

Hey EX, I got Black Hammer.

[Kim L.]

So if you were wondering about why i called my husband the specail 2%

This is a test.

Give it a try

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!


You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you?


If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have
a different, if not abnormal, mind.


98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

I thought of a red hammer.... and my husband thought of a yellow shovel...

What about the rest of you?

Red screwdriver. Good one!

[Srbo]

Flavius: What do you call those?
Spock: I call them ears.
Flavius: Are you trying to be funny?
Spock: Never.

Kirk: I suspect you're becoming more and more human all the time.
Spock: Captain, I see no reason to stand here and be insulted.

:biggrin2:

[chimpanity]

Q. Whats the difference between "Roast beef" and pea soup?


A. Anyone can roast beef.

[Dylan Roberts]

The Amazing Claude

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the assembly room was packed because none other than The Amazing Claude, the world's greatest hypnotist, was heading the evening's entertainment. The lights dimmed, the spotlight lit the stage and The Amazing Claude came out.

"I'm here to put you into a trance," said the Amazing Claude. "I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience. simultaneously"
The excitement was almost electric as The Amazing Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations," said The Amazing Claude, and then began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...When I speak you will do exactly as I say.."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Claude continued with his instructions.."Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch. You will do everything I say."
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly....
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said The Amazing Claude ...

... It took the staff three days to clean up the Senior Center.

[Cowboy]

Three mischievous old grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a
nursing home, when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it,he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies
happily yelled in unison - -



'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[staropeace]

CHILDS PRAYER


Dear God:

This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen.

[EXISTESS]

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"


"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."


:devil:

[Sundrop]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat . As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"


She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality.."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.

[Lee Y]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the
problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then
proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the
store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady
went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist told
her, 'If you' re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The
lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist said. 'If you're using it on your
legs don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If
you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.' :biggrin2:

[EXISTESS]

Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed
better late than never
SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and.....
PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.
DEPRESSION
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.


:devil:

[Sundrop]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm going to have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

[Charms7]

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Thanks to Steven Wright.

[Perse Jr.]

First, I must say one of my oldest and dearest friends, who is from Poland, told me these jokes!

How to Polish people make donuts?
They plant Cheerios!

How can you tell Santa Claus is Polish?
There are two doors and eight windows in the average house, and he comes down the chimney!

[Charms7]

http://i406.photobucket.com/albums/pp148/dragon_witch86/cartoon15.jpg

[Anni M]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!


Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow(England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.


Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.


Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.



Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?(Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?


Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary . Come naked.


Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do .


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs .


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.




Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )


A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

:laugh:

[rose key]

OMG, Anni, that was hysterical. I have tears in my eyes from those answers!

[Charms7]

Anni, those are priceless!

I found this and it made me laugh...
http://i162.photobucket.com/albums/t265/shinobi_sweetheart/nom.jpg

[AngelZ]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh---ing me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work ...
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on20dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[constantreader85]

Two blondes are going on holidays and one of them says to the other, i wish we brought the TV, the other says why? because the passport and tickets are on the TV.