All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[rose key]

What's pink and fluffy?


Pink Fluff...


OMG-I'm using that one, Anni! I love it!

[Cowboy]

OMG-I'm using that one, Anni! I love it!

Are you kidding me??? You thought that was funny???

Okay, it was kind of funny....:biggrin2:

[rose key]

Are you kidding me??? You thought that was funny???

Okay, it was kind of funny....:biggrin2:

That's the kind of joke I can tell my kids-and laugh at them when they look at me funny! (I'm a little off the wall).

But Cowboy-I Love your jokes! :love: If I kept quoting you and putting little laughy-guys on them, there would be no room for anyone else to post!:biggrin2:

[Anni M]

That's the kind of joke I can tell my kids-and laugh at them when they look at me funny! (I'm a little off the wall).

But Cowboy-I Love your jokes! :love: If I kept quoting you and putting little laughy-guys on them, there would be no room for anyone else to post!:biggrin2:
Yeah...so there! What Rose Key said! :tongue:

[Cowboy]

Pa Won't Like ThatA young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.

"Hey Chris," the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles for a bit. It's late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I'll help you with that cart after you eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.

"Aw, come on, take a break for a bit," the man at the snack bar insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "But Pa won't like it."

After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden French fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the cook said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the cart."

[smjohn]

The Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain't. The older one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn't believe you got
laid twice.
"Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

[smjohn]

The 'F' Word
(Correct use of the 'F' word)

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history when the 'F' word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. 'What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?'
~ Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. 'What the @#$% was that?'
~ Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945


9. 'Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?'
~ Custer, 1877


8. 'Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.'
~ Einstein, 1938


7. 'It does so @#$%ing look like her!'
~ Picasso, 1926


6. 'How the @#$% did you work that out?'
~ Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. 'You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?'
~ Michel Angelo, 1566


4. 'Where the @#$% are we?'
~ Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. 'Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!'
~ Noah, 4314 BC


2.'Aw c'mon, Who the @#$% is going to find out?'
~ Bill Clinton 1998

and a drum roll please............!


1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad!'
~ Saddam Hussein, 2003

[Lulu Parrot]

Pull my finger!

[Cowboy]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic.


A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."


The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"


"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[Cowboy]

Q. Where can you find a dog with no legs?


[spoiler]A. Where you left him.[spoiler]

[Cowboy]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, Screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the Knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt 1911 ACP 45 cal, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.


What do you do?

Democrat's Answer :



Well, that's not enough
information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.



Republican's
Answer:

BANG!


Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click.....


Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points'?!


Son: 'Can I shoot the next one'?!



Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist'!

[JohnDalglish]

The 'F' Word
(Correct use of the 'F' word)

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history when the 'F' word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:

11. 'What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?'
~ Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. 'What the @#$% was that?'
~ Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945


9. 'Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?'
~ Custer, 1877


8. 'Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.'
~ Einstein, 1938


7. 'It does so @#$%ing look like her!'
~ Picasso, 1926


6. 'How the @#$% did you work that out?'
~ Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. 'You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?'
~ Michel Angelo, 1566


4. 'Where the @#$% are we?'
~ Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. 'Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!'
~ Noah, 4314 BC


2.'Aw c'mon, Who the @#$% is going to find out?'
~ Bill Clinton 1998

and a drum roll please............!


1. 'Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad!'
~ Saddam Hussein, 2003

Hi,

Effin' hilarious, smjohn! Thankee.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Spideyman]

Pa Won't Like ThatA young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.

"Hey Chris," the snack bar employee said. "Forget your troubles for a bit. It's late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I'll help you with that cart after you eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Chris replied.

"Aw, come on, take a break for a bit," the man at the snack bar insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "But Pa won't like it."

After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden French fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the cook said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the cart."



Didn't see that coming...... herbal tea all over desk!!!!!:blush:

[EXISTESS]

Pull my finger!
LuLu, you HAVE no fingers! can I tug on a wing?
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife."

:devil:

[elevelyn]

What did the policeman say to his chest???

Your under a vest!!!!!

[Cowboy]

Q. Where can you find a dog with no legs?


[spoiler]A. Where you left him.[spoiler]

Darn, I forgot my /

[Solar-Pavlova]

two gold fish in a bowl, the one says to the other look at that castle, the other say's where, the first say's what where then the other say's that castle, the 2nd say's what castle.

and on it goes cause gold fish have a 3 second memory. ha ha ha

[MrsSmeej]

Cowboy, there is one more time when it is appropriate; that list was f@#$ing hysterical. :rofl:

[Anni M]

Darn, I forgot my /
Dats okay...I got it anyway! LOL
:rofl:

[bookworm101]

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of You from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are verified by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on Layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming 'The Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he would say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Walmart

[Anni M]

Hi,

Effin' hilarious, smjohn! Thankee.

Long days and pleasant nights
Ditto..that girl is on a sprint! :grinning:

[Anni M]

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of You from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are verified by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on Layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming 'The Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he would say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Walmart
:rofl:

[rlg]

Hockey Joke. I am a Montreal Habs fan and this is for all the Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
Let the playoffs begin (on Thursday)
Regards
Robert


A child stands in court before a judge. His parents are divorcing and the judge is asking him which parent he would like to live with. "Would you like to live with your mother?" the judge asks. "No! she beats me every night I don’t want to live with her!". So the judge says "Ok, you can go live with your dad then." the child replies "No! he beats me every night as well! I don’t want to live with him!" and the judge replies "Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?".

The boy replies "The Toronto Maple Leafs." The judge is puzzled. "Why would you want to live with them?" he asks. The boy replies "Because they don’t beat anyone!":rofl:

[MrsSmeej]

Darn it... I got my attributions messed up. I meant great list Smjohn.... Great jokes Cowboy. In honor of the Red Sox home opener, I'm borrowing one from Leasa that's posted over on the Red Sox versus Yankees thread... The joke works equally well for any intense sports rivalries;

The post office issued a set of commemorative stamps of the New York Yankees the other day, but they had to recall them. Red Sox fans couldn't figure out which side of the stamps to spit on.

:eek2: Forgive me sports gods. Amen.

Go Sox!

[TBlack]

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed acut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
all winter.'

[Patricia A]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife."

:devil:

:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Anni M]

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.


Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of You from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are verified by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on Layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming 'The Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he would say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Walmart

I love this one, BDY...cracks me up. Hey, maybe I'll send it on to Auntie Anna!
:biggrin2::love:

[MadamMack]

Q. Where can you find a dog with no legs?


[spoiler]A. Where you left him.[spoiler]

:laugh:

[Kim L.]

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic.


A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."


The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"


"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

:rofl: Nice one!

[blackwingedbird]

what do they call slip slops in france? phillipe phillop. lol.

[Cowboy]

I know someone out there is gonna like this one...

The family of tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

[smooth operator]

Three women - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde - were waiting in their obstetrician's office. All three women were very obviously pregnant.
Suddenly the brunette says, " I just know I'm going to have a boy! My husband was on top!"
The redhead answers, "I just know I'm going to have a girl! I was on top!"
The blonde bursts into tears and says, "Oh no!! I'm having puppies!"

[rose key]

I know someone out there is gonna like this one...

The family of tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

:rofl: http://th283.photobucket.com/albums/kk298/Kathy5743/Smilies/th_249648.gif

[smooth operator]

A very wealthy art patronress visited a local art gallery to see work done by the young artists in her area. She was quite taken by the work of one particular young man, and asked to meet him. The gallery owner arranged for him to come down to the gallery right away.
She told the young artist that she liked his work and would like to commission a painting. One of her ancestors was at Little Big Horn with Custer. There was something that she had always wondered about.
"I will pay you $10,000 dollars for a painting of Custer's last words. You will have 30 days to produce a finished piece."
The artist was unsure about the subject of the painting, but liked the money, so he agreed give it his best effort.
In 30 days, the woman came to his studio, but the artist had nothing finished to show her. The subject matter was eluding him. The woman offered him $20,000 and another 30 days to give it another try. He agreed to try again.
In 30 days, the woman returned to his studio and he showed her a painting. In the painting, Custer stands on a hill, looking confused. In the valley all around him are countless Indians making love. On a hill across the valley, stands a cow with a halo above his head.
The woman asked, "What is this supposed to represent?"
The artist answered, "Well, I figured Custer's last words were 'Holy cow! Where did all these f@#$ing Indians come from?'"

[rose madder]

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister
noticed acut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
all winter.'

LMFAO:rofl:

[Patricia A]

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'



Those are really funny but, No Toilet Paper! That cracked me up. Yikes LOL! :rofl:

[Cowboy]

Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[Anni M]

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs.
Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of You from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are verified by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on Layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming 'The Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he would say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ...

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Walmart

I sent a copy of this to my dad in Cal...he wrote back declaring "How'd they know that my name is Fenton?" LMAO.
See, my step mum has a black belt in shopping and... :wink2:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
an AA Classique`


I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
beep. If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
of an answer for her first question.~~~~~I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.

~ ~~~~The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" (http://www.haddenonline.com/)

[Reesespieces]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissen-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.

"But Grandpa, I really don-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissen. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have abeautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say"Times up"?"

[Patricia A]

My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~That is so funny Anni!
My X-huspain is gonna crack up when I tell him this one.
He'll sympathize. :biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

I know of at least one person who will appreciate a blonde joke this morning...

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

[TBlack]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth; I'm a one-wish genie. So what'll it be?'

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other; I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.'

The genie looked at the map and said, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years...I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'

The woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one who's considerate, fun, likes to cook and help with house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'

The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the fukking map again.'

[Gwenivere]

[SIZE=3]The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the fukking map again.'

:rofl:

My Living Will:
Last night my best friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens,
just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer,
and threw out my wine. :oh::oh:

She's such a b--ch.

[matdvd]

Here's a great one for when you see ducks flying in a 'V' pattern...

"Have you ever noticed that when they fly in that formation that one side is always longer than the other?
Know why that is?"

(No, why?)


"There are more ducks on that side..."

[Anni M]

I know someone out there is gonna like this one...

The family of tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
*snooort*) !!!
First heard it in the movie Pulp Fiction, and just loved it.:biggrin2: I thrive on this stuff!
thx, CB, for posting this one... :smile2:

[Reesespieces]

The genie let out a sigh and said, 'Let me see the fukking map again.'

:rofl:

[Anni M]

My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~That is so funny Anni!
My X-huspain is gonna crack up when I tell him this one.
He'll sympathize. :biggrin2:
Oh, P, this was the best one... :rofl: [laffed lonnnnnnnng time..].
Hey, lemme know if he chuckles! :oh: :biggrin2: Joking with you EX? Cool!

[Anni M]

Oh TEE!!! :love: Priceless!!! :biggrin2: LOL!

[hipmamajen]

This one's kind of silly, but I like it anyway :)

What do a fish and pig have in common?

They both have gills except for the pig.

[Cowboy]

*snooort*) !!!
First heard it in the movie Pulp Fiction, and just loved it.:biggrin2: I thrive on this stuff!
thx, CB, for posting this one... :smile2:

I love it when I make you snoort!:biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

After a bad accident
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

[Spideyman]

A friend sent these today. thought I'd share......


Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.



When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.



A penny saved is a government oversight.



The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.



The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.



He who hesitates is probably right.



Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'



If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.



If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.



The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.



There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.



Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf

[Patricia A]

This one's kind of silly, but I like it anyway :)

What do a fish and pig have in common?

They both have gills except for the pig.

:biggrin2:

[smjohn]

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Some old farts like you!

:wink2:

[smjohn]

Fall Classes for Men at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Monday, Oct 29, 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[MarkMabry]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, Screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the Knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Colt 1911 ACP 45 cal, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.


What do you do?

Democrat's Answer :



Well, that's not enough
information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.



Republican's
Answer:

BANG!


Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click.....


Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!
Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points'?!


Son: 'Can I shoot the next one'?!



Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist'!


Yah lets all bash on the democrats for not rushing into things head first like you Texans. Maybe the republican in this joke should have asked..."where are his WMD" give me a freaking break!

[MrsSmeej]

Spideyman, :biggrin2: I love those.

My sister always likes to say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit next to me."

[Cowboy]

Yah lets all bash on the democrats for not rushing into things head first like you Texans. Maybe the republican in this joke should have asked..."where are his WMD" give me a freaking break!

Whoa! Take it easy buddy....it was a joke and directed towards rednecks. AND, I'm NOT a Texan.
Just a joke, don't take it personal, I joke on the Republicans just as much as I do the Democrats.
:biggrin2:

[motherwolf]

:cool2::wink2::smile2:
Yah lets all bash on the democrats for not rushing into things head first like you Texans. Maybe the republican in this joke should have asked..."where are his WMD" give me a freaking break! Welcome to the board MarkMabry! We've got a great thread for venting, " What Annoys you about message boards?...." Page 3 of 'Chattery Teeth.' COWBOY is one of the GOOD GUYS!

[Kim L.]

Did you hear about the couple who divorced when they were in their 90s?

They wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

[Patricia A]

Oh, P, this was the best one... :rofl: [laffed lonnnnnnnng time..].
Hey, lemme know if he chuckles! :oh: :biggrin2: Joking with you EX? Cool!
LOL I still talk to him once in a while. He'll call, usually after a few too many and wants to either apologize for something he did a million years ago that I have forgotten about or just to shoot the shite about old times. It can get a wee bit annoying at times but I am a very tolerant person... most of the time.
At least now he realizes that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL OF THE TIME. LOL
BTW he cracked up when I told him your joke.

[Anni M]

I love it when I make you snoort!:biggrin2:

LOL, I'll bet!
I don't even think about it, it just snorts out...then I get all blushie! :blush: Lets see if you can do it again... :devil:

I think i snort too much...I did it at my bank last week as two tellers and I were yukking it up at one of the wickets... :blush: then I snorted because I snorted...you know how it goes!


(snort!)

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Wow, that's a lot of snorting, Anni.

More snorting than a party at Keef's LOL

Long days and pleasant nights

[Cowboy]

LOL, I'll bet!
I don't even think about it, it just snorts out...then I get all blushie! :blush: Lets see if you can do it again... :devil:

I think i snort too much...I did it at my bank last week as two tellers and I were yukking it up at one of the wickets... :blush: then I snorted because I snorted...you know how it goes!


(snort!)

Yes I do...(snoort!):biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

Filling in for St. Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

[Anni M]

Hi,

Wow, that's a lot of snorting, Anni.

More snorting than a party at Keef's LOL

Long days and pleasant nights
:blush::blush:
The girl can't help it...

snort! :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

Yes I do...(snoort!):biggrin2:
See? now I'm all :blush:-ie!
LOL

[Anni M]

Filling in for St. Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'

'Yes,' the professor answered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'

'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'

'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor answered.

'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
:rofl: snooo---

[Cowboy]

No snorting please!

Farmer milks a cow
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

[Anni M]

The Canadian Government is going to give us a tax
rebate to boost our economy.

The problem is:

If we spend it at WalMart, it will go to China
If we spend it on a good car, it will go to Japan
If we buy a computer, it will go to India
If we spend it on fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico or Honduras
If we spend it on junk, it will go to Thailand
If we spend it on gas and oil, it will go to the Arabs....

The only thing we can spend it on and keep it in Canada is prostitutes, pot and beer.
Go figure....
:eyebrow:



:rofl:

[EXISTESS]

The old prospector
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch
rail.As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other.The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man,
have you ever danced?"The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I
just never wanted to."A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool,
you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers
back, making a double clicking sound.The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old guys.

:devil:
Ex

[Reesespieces]

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity [/font]
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' bribery'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I! Won!'

[Reesespieces]

Not for nothing that Democrat, Republican, redneck joke was FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!! Some people just need to learn to relax and go with the flow. Life's too short to take it so seriously.

[Cowboy]

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity [/font]
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' bribery'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I! Won!'

#1 is my favorite! LOL (snort for anni)

[mstay]

Not for nothing that Democrat, Republican, redneck joke was FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!! Some people just need to learn to relax and go with the flow. Life's too short to take it so seriously.

I agree!:laugh:

[Patricia A]

[QUOTE=Reesespieces;147038]Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity [/font]

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

I am going to do that to my coworkers when I go back to work Sunday.
I'll let you know how that works out.
I'm cracking up. As a matter of fact I think I'll do that to my family tomorrow, all day.
Thanks for that.

[Cowboy]

Please, all beer guzzling, couch potato husbands, do not be offended by this joke.

Purchasing a new bird
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

[garykingfan]

#1 is my favorite! LOL (snort for anni)

#1 WORKS!!!!! i tried it yesterday near my factory and you should have seen how quickly they slowed down. all except the old guy at the back. i ran into work after that and hid in the corner

[smjohn]

For the girls:wink2: I think we can ALL relate...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type,
I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping
so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wou ldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Best,



Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

That's great, smjohn, is it a real letter?

I loved 'Put down the hammer' LMAO.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Cowboy]

How to charge them
Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop.

One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

[smjohn]

Hi,

That's great, smjohn, is it a real letter?

I loved 'Put down the hammer' LMAO.

Long days and pleasant nights

You know how emails go, John:) It would be that much better if it was a real letter:) I had the same sentiments the first time I heard "have a happy period" on the tv commercial:eyebrow: Who the hell has a happy period?!?

[smjohn]

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said,
'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[LadyPain]

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said,
'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

:rofl:

So true! So bleedin' true!

[LadyPain]

What can't a duck do, a goose can, and a lawyer should??

Shove his bill up his backside.

[Cowboy]

What can't a duck do, a goose can, and a lawyer should??

Shove his bill up his backside.

:biggrin2:

[Reesespieces]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[LadyPain]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes my father-in-law hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Geez, make the tears fall from laughing here...

[Kitten]

Genealogy

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and
so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said
they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about
my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

[Kitten]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10..

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass..

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s h*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do! not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

[Kitten]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.


Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs

[Kitten]

New Terrorist Group

NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
did not identify the man , who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

[Reesespieces]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!

[Cowboy]

This is just a joke people!:biggrin2:
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/KFCSign.jpg

[Kim L.]

New Terrorist Group

NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
did not identify the man , who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.


:rofl:
I love it! At least they're not polynomials...yet.

[smjohn]

This is just a joke people!:biggrin2:
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/KFCSign.jpg


LOL...I like your little disclaimer, too. Why, oh why, must we explain every little joke?

[Cowboy]

LOL...I like your little disclaimer, too. Why, oh why, must we explain every little joke?

I honestly don't know, but I feel that I do....:wink2:

[smjohn]

I honestly don't know, but I feel that I do....:wink2:

Oh...I didn't mean that toward you, I understand why you did it, I saw the one about the redneck, which I thought was hillarious, by the way). I was just pondering, (kinda out loud)...:biggrin2: It just seems like since the thread is called ALL JOKES ALL THE TIME!! people would go into it knowing that.

[rose key]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!
:rofl:
I'm passing this one around the office. Good one, Reeses!:biggrin2:

[rose key]

LOL...I like your little disclaimer, too. Why, oh why, must we explain every little joke?


I honestly don't know, but I feel that I do....:wink2:

You don't have to put a disclaimer one your jokes. You're funny, Cowboy, and if anyone gets offended at a joke of yours, they shouldn't be reading this thread.
I remember the Democrat joke. I'm a Democrat, and I didn't get offended (much).:biggrin2:
Love your jokes. :love::love:

[JohnDalglish]

It just seems like since the thread is called ALL JOKES ALL THE TIME!! people would go into it knowing that.

Hi,

Yes, it does seem reasonable to expect that right enough, smjohn.

Bit of a give-away, I would have thought.

And thankee to all the recent posters - bin ROFFLMFAO, esp the guys on the pub crawl.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Patricia A]

You don't have to put a disclaimer one your jokes. You're funny, Cowboy, and if anyone gets offended at a joke of yours, they shouldn't be reading this thread.
I remember the Democrat joke. I'm a Democrat, and I didn't get offended (much).:biggrin2:
Love your jokes. :love::love:
Me too as well am likewise!
And an added benefit to me is that I can follow up with something like this.
http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i310/xxxxx_i_wanna_be_the_minorady/Anti%20Bush%20admin%20and%20republican/bushstupid.jpg
You just gotta laugh.
If we can't laugh at this Dog and Pony show we call American Politics we are all dooooooomed!

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

One from Billy Connelly -

Making a documentary on the life of lions, a cameraman and a sound man creep up on a huge male lion.

The lion senses them, looks up and roars 'RRROARRR!!!' and makes threatening lion gestures at them.

The cameraman turns round to see the sound guy putting on a pair of Nike running shoes, while keeping an eye on the lion.

'Don't be stupid' he says to the sound guy 'You'll never outrun a lion in these'.

'F*ck the lion' replies the sound guy, 'As long as I outrun YOU I'm OK.'


Long days and pleasant nights

[EXISTESS]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
:devil:
Ex

[Cowboy]

The pub crawl was hilarious!:biggrin2: Good one Reeses'

Thanks SMJohn and Rose Key for letting me know your thoughts.

Here you go for today....

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

[Cowboy]

Hack Golfer

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[EXISTESS]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available
position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled
out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and
said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be
able to notice things scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first
blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this
man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has
only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck
the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the
man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused
too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and
last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this
man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression
and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How
in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "WELL, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

CHICKEN SURPRISE


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
Surprise.' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so
she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid
rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, and explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband
replies,'Chicken Surprise.'




You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!!










'Ah! Most sorry', says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck!'
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,
and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"


"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?""Well,"
she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide.""And just what the hell do you
do with a 6 foot azzhole?" he asked."You give him a radar gun and
park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face.
PRICELESS

:devil:
Ex

[tiger67]

:rofl:

So true! So bleedin' true!

brilliant!

[tiger67]

Men are like linoleum: Lay them once right and you can walk on them for the next 20 years.

Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.

Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.

Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough.

Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
:biggrin2:

[Reesespieces]

IRS AUDIT

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks
'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. ' This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk, and that you'd be happy about it.

[lesaleer]

Some one sent me this one. I thought it was great! :rofl:


Three Women in Mexico

"Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.



The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."



They throw the switch and nothing happens.



They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.



The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."



They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.



Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.



The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from Texas A & M and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[Spideyman]

It's not really a joke, but rather a test fro smart people. Have a try!

This is a test for Smart People ...

I have determined that you qualify.



The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?












The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?














Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the
Refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?











Correct Answer:

The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?


Correct Answer:

You jump into the river and swim across.

Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old

[Kim L.]

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

BWAHAHAHA! Ewww.

[Reesespieces]

Okay Patricia and Tamitha....how bout this one. "Do you work for UPS?, cause I could have swore I saw you checking out my package".

Ok Cowboy has watched "Night At the Roxbury" one too many times!!!

[smjohn]

PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a margarita.'

After 3 or 4 margarita's, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more margaritas. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Hell yes women are evil.....

Hey, I don't make'm up:oops:

[smjohn]

The Spoon


For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.'.

:eek2:

[Kitten]

Three blondes were all applying for the last available
position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled
out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and
said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be
able to notice things scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first
blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this
man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has
only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck
the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the
man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused
too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and
last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..."
He flashed the photo in her face
for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this
man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression
and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How
in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "WELL, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.
:devil:
Ex

ROFL!!! :eek2:

[Patricia A]

Okay Patricia and Tamitha....how bout this one. "Do you work for UPS?, cause I could have swore I saw you checking out my package".
Oh no! Was that your package?
I thought it was a dancing chicken! Sorry! :blush:

[Kitten]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'
:devil:
Ex


ROFL :biggrin2:Rofl!

[Cowboy]

Oh no! Was that your package?
I thought it was a dancing chicken! Sorry! :blush:


Making fun of my dancing chicken again! :glare: He don't know why he has to dance, he just does it!

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Not a joke, but a genuine court judgement from a Scottish court today -

'A male stripper's truncheon is not an offensive weapon'.

You couldn't make it up, could you?

Long days and pleasant nights

[Oogway]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So, why is the groom wearing black?"

[Kitten]

PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I have some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a margarita.'

After 3 or 4 margarita's, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more margaritas. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'

The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
Hell yes women are evil.....

Hey, I don't make'm up:oops:




rofl

[Kitten]

The Spoon


For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.'.

:eek2:



LOL! I'm in tears!

[Kitten]

Hi,

Not a joke, but a genuine court judgement from a Scottish court today -

'A male stripper's truncheon is not an offensive weapon'.

You couldn't make it up, could you?

Long days and pleasant nights


I don't know John, I think it depends on the size of the assault. (Then, maybe I just don't know what a truncheon is.)

[Kitten]

CHICKEN SURPRISE


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken
Surprise.' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot
rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so
she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid
rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, and explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.

Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband
replies,'Chicken Surprise.'




You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!!










'Ah! Most sorry', says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck!'
:devil:
Ex


Ex - you are EEvil! lol! :)

[JohnDalglish]

I don't know John, I think it depends on the size of the assault. (Then, maybe I just don't know what a truncheon is.)

Hi,

Kitten, a 'truncheon' is 'A short staff, a cudgel or baton carried by a police officer', but not apparently an offensive weapon when in the hands of a male stripper any longer. You couldn't etc.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Cowboy]

Hi,

Kitten, a 'truncheon' is 'A short staff, a cudgel or baton carried by a police officer', but not apparently an offensive weapon when in the hands of a male stripper any longer. You couldn't etc.

Long days and pleasant nights

John, I want to be on your team when we play Scrabble.

[Cowboy]

Where are you from?
Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

[Cowboy]

Top Ten Signs you're Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

8. They keep shouting "Do over!"

7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking French.

6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"

3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"

1. They play like the Mets.

[MrsSmeej]

:rofl: You guys are killing me.

[Lulu Parrot]

I just flew in and boy are my arms tired!

[Patricia A]

The Spoon


For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.

'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.'.

:eek2:

I'm cracking up!!!!!

[Kim L.]

John, I want to be on your team when we play Scrabble.

Oooh, a Scrabble game! Can I play, please?

[unburiedteq]

Here's an original 'teq' :

What do you get when you cross a menu with a medical crime drama?
Anyone...?
N'importe qui...?

[Cowboy]

I just flew in and boy are my arms tired!

:biggrin2:I think that only you could put that one off Lulu Parrot!

[Cowboy]

Oooh, a Scrabble game! Can I play, please?

Of course! http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/scrabbleclassic.jpg
Who is keeping score?

[Cowboy]

:biggrin2:I think that only you could put that one off Lulu Parrot!

.........sigh........fingers are not working well today....should be PULL that one off......say sorry.

:biggrin2:

[Anni M]

Grasshopper goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you."
"You got a drink named Steve?"

[Anni M]

> BIG GROUCH
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man..... He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the
old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get
my hat and the credit card."

[JohnDalglish]

Hi Anni,

Great to see you back, haven't had a good snort since you went MIA.

I take it Audrey 2.11 is fully recovered?

Long days and pleasant nights

[Todash]

This was my favorite when I was five.

Q. How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?
A. Paint his toenails pink and turn him upside down.

[Patricia A]

Of course! http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/scrabbleclassic.jpg
Who is keeping score?
Nobody from the Dokes thread I hope!

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

'Li' is a Chinese mile apparently.

You'd be surprised how handy that one can be when playing Scrabble.

Long days and pleasant nights

[unburiedteq]

Here's an original 'teq' :

What do you get when you cross a menu with a medical crime drama?
Anyone...?
N'importe qui...?

A robin cookbook

(ok, so I thought it was funny!)

[Kim L.]

Grasshopper goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you."
"You got a drink named Steve?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[This Girl Writes]

Jesus walks into an Inn and drops some nails onto the front desk and asks the clerk "can you put me up for the night?"

[mstay]

Hi,

'Li' is a Chinese mile apparently.

You'd be surprised how handy that one can be when playing Scrabble.

Long days and pleasant nights

Thanks John! I will have to remember that one.

[mstay]

A robin cookbook

(ok, so I thought it was funny!)

I still don't get it!? :umm:

[MadamMack]

This was my favorite when I was five.

Q. How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?
A. Paint his toenails pink and turn him upside down.

:laugh: Yea . . .that should do it!

[MrsSmeej]

Robin Cook wrote a book called Coma, as well as a few others, mstay. He also served in the British government if I remember correctly... Foreign Secretary, I think.

[Kim L.]

I still don't get it!? :umm:

Robin Cook writes medical mysteries.

[unburiedteq]

I still don't get it!? :umm:

In explaining that Robin Cook's writings are medical crime thrillers... it tends to lose something.
And the "menu" and cookbook SHOULD speak for itself.

Also note that I DID say "I" thought it was funny.

[Patricia A]

Jesus walks into an Inn and drops some nails onto the front desk and asks the clerk "can you put me up for the night?"
It's not gonna be easy being you around here tomorrow. :biggrin2:
Good luck amiga.

[MadamMack]

It's not gonna be easy being you around here tomorrow. :biggrin2:
Good luck amiga.


:rofl:

[dragonangel]

Jesus walks into an Inn and drops some nails onto the front desk and asks the clerk "can you put me up for the night?"

The Crow....Good movie! :D I really like that part too.

[Dr. Fudd]

(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Oh, Doctor, will these do?
:devil:
Ex

Yes.

[Cowboy]

> BIG GROUCH
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old
man..... He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the
old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get
my hat and the credit card."

:biggrin2: that is so me when I get older!:biggrin2:

[JohnDalglish]

:biggrin2: that is so me when I get older!:biggrin2:

Hi,

What, you think you'll be allowed a credit card when you get older? LOL

Long days and pleasant nights

[Reesespieces]

JOGGING with BILL
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks!?" :oops::biggrin2:

[Oogway]

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"
The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair.If you want me to stay pretty,u better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again. "Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[Reesespieces]

Married Life...

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for supper?'

[Patricia A]

This guy is cracking me up, I thought I'd share.
Henry Cho


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaeAny6zgaU

http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj197/jackentgroup/henry_cho.jpg

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/tattoo-.jpg

[Cowboy]

There are no dogs allowed here
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

[Cowboy]

This guy is cracking me up, I thought I'd share.
Henry Cho


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaeAny6zgaU

http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj197/jackentgroup/henry_cho.jpg

Saw him in a Comedy Club one night in Louisivlle, KY.....he is sooooo funny!

[La Belladonna]

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[daisygirl]

A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there." The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later that the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind him was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Smart Ass....Show him your card!"

[smjohn]

Becoming Illegal

I guess this isn't really a joke type joke, but it is funny

(Actual letter sent by an Iowa resident to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status is that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert


Burlington , IA

[Cowboy]

A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there." The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later that the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind him was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Smart Ass....Show him your card!"

:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[daisygirl]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13.... 13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....".

[LadyPain]

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

:rofl: You made me laugh until the tears rolled!

[Dr. Fudd]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13.... 13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....".It's nice to see they kept my game going after I was released....

[Dr. Fudd]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," panted the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[MadamMack]

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

:rofl:

[MadamMack]

A North Carolina Highway Department employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there." The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of North Carolina to go any where I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. It wasn't too much later that the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw the Highway Dept. employee running for his life and right behind him was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Smart Ass....Show him your card!"

:laugh:

[MadamMack]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13.... 13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....".

I would be 15!

[Cowboy]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13.... 13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....".

Buwhaahahahahahahaha :biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Patricia A]

Aww jeeze you guys are too funny! It's just 6 am and thanks to you I am already laughing. Here's the best I can to this morning.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra?
They get taller! :biggrin2:

[MadamMack]

Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

:rofl:

[MadamMack]

Aww jeeze you guys are too funny! It's just 6 am and thanks to you I am already laughing. Here's the best I can to this morning.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra?
They get taller! :biggrin2:

Oh I get it! It's because. . .they're male principle parts!

[Redneck_in_NY]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining

to my husband that my breasts are too small.



Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.



"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece

of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".



Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and

stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.



"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.



I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper

between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over

the years?"



Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"



He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may

even walk again, although he will probably continue to take

his meals through a straw.



Stupid, stupid man.

[Cowboy]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/batboysmomhp7.jpg
Is there a similarity????

[whoopsipoppedaplatypus]

Why are pirates called pirates?
-They just aaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhhh !!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
-Because they taste funny !!

Whats brown and sticky?
-A stick !!

[smjohn]

The wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[MadamMack]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER



Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining

to my husband that my breasts are too small.



Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he

uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.



"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece

of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".



Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and

stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.



"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.



I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper

between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over

the years?"



Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"



He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may

even walk again, although he will probably continue to take

his meals through a straw.



Stupid, stupid man.

Hahahahahahahahahahhaaa!

[daisygirl]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/batboysmomhp7.jpg
Is there a similarity????

:rofl:

[mr.morrisj]

A man and his wife are out by their BBQ grill.
He says to her, "Honey I think your butt is getting as big as the grill.
Then he decides to meaure the two. Her butt and his BBQ grill.
He finds out that her butt is actually wider than the grill.
That night in bed, he tries to move in for some action.
She replies, "Do you think I want to fire up this big ass grill for one little weiner?"

[ram623]

A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan. The loan officer, a man by the name of Pat Whack, gives the frog a loan application which he fills out. Mr. Whack looks over the application. He turns to the frog and says, "Well, everything seems to be in order, but I have to ask, do you have any kind of collateral? For instance do you own your own pad?"
The frog shakes his head no. Pat tells him, "Well if you can think of anything of value just jot it down on the back of the application." The frog thinks for a minute and writes something down.
Pat takes the application back to the President's office. He asks, "Whattaya got Pat?" Pat says, "There's a frog out there looking to borrow some money." The Prez looks over the app and asks, "Does he have any collateral, does he own his own pad or anything?" Pat says, "He wrote something on the back." The President turns the app over and Pat reads, "Hummel. What's a hummel?"
The President says, "That's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!"

Yeah, I know.

RAM

[LadyPain]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

:rofl: Very good!

[Cowboy]

The Magician and the Parrot

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

[Cowboy]

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

[sheba41]

i like that..ha ha :wink2:

[JohnDalglish]

i like that..ha ha :wink2:

Hi,

Yeah, so do I.

Good one, Cowboy (still chortling).

Long days and pleasant nights

[EXISTESS]

Damn, when was the last time I was in here?
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small

That's all I got :wink2:
Ex

[Charms7]

A new study found that menopausal women who smoke are more likely to have hot flashes, and women who smoke while having a hot flash are more likely to burst into flames. Which would explain some cases of spontaneous human combustion.

[Charms7]

There's the stealth plane, the invisible plane. What good is an invisible airplane going to do? The enemy looks at their radar screen and says, "Well, there's no aircraft here. But there are two guys in a sitting position at 40,000 feet."

[Charms7]

Here's a health tip: Never moon a bull snake if you have warts on your ass.

[Charms7]

Being a mother is much harder than being a surgeon. At least you get the necessary training first before they let you start performing surgery. Also, you can quit being a surgeon when you're ready. Patients aren't going to follow you around with a snot nose going, "Doc, Doc, Doc!"

[LadyPain]

Sorry to any blonds out there... but this one pops to mind. Hope it's okay, Ms. Mod.



How can you tell when a blond has a new boyfriend?

She has a belt buckle print in her forehead.

[Patricia A]

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

:biggrin2:

[CorbinKale]

The Rescue

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped."The boy replied, "I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved."

So, the third boy's dad is a compassionate liberal? :smile2:

[Cowboy]

Congressman's Money

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

[Cowboy]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

[smjohn]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that real helicopter, up high over the fairgrounds .'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Oogway]

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"


She quickly responded, "The living one."

[daisygirl]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good
and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend .' The minister fainted.

[smjohn]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said, 'In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.'
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a public service

[LadyPain]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good
and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend .' The minister fainted.

:rofl: I am going to have to remember this one!

[Gallina]

So funny!!!:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[daisygirl]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what - I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[BlackThorn]

So, a man walks into a bar...

And he says, "ouch".

[BlackThorn]

What's the last thing to go through a flys mind, when he hits the windshield?

His ass.

[BlackThorn]

What do you call a fly, if you rip off it's wings?

A walk.

[smjohn]

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Kim L.]

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

:rofl::rofl:

[EXISTESS]

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
This is funny! Thanks, CB
:devil:
Ex

[smjohn]

Cursing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources

[EXISTESS]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'



One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!?!'

:devil:
Ex

[daisygirl]

Gripe Sheet

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Lizard slushie]

Darwin Awards

eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but co uld not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rou nds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... '**** happens'

[smjohn]

New Office Words

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER : A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY ;: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMS : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT : An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

20. MUSHROOM MANAGER: Keeps all of their staff in the dark. Whenever employees grow too big, they chop off their heads.

[sheba41]

There was this girl....26 years old and still living with her parents. One day the mother passed the room from the girl and she hears a strange sound. She opens the door and see that her daughter is making love with a vibrator. "wat are you doing" asked the mother . O, please mother ,I am still single and I am just pretend that this thing is my husband, and now get out of my room please! The next day the father passed her room and he also hears a sound..opend the door and see his daughter making love with a vibrator. "what are you doing, asked the father. O, please father, I am still single and i just pretend that this is my husband, and now get out of my room please! Two weeks later after a little shopping the mother and the girl came home and when they walk in the house they hear a strange but familier sound.....In the livingroom the father is sitting on the sofa watching tv. The vibrator is next to him....moving and making that sound. The mother asked , "what are you doing with that thing"?........Well.....I am looking at a soccer game with my son in law!:biggrin2:

[Dr. Fudd]

There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart. Getting into a fight was
the furthest thing from my mind . It wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a
great mood... And then, I rear-ended a car. So there we are alongside
the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car...

Yeah, and, well, he's a dwarf.
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

[Patricia A]

There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart. Getting into a fight was
the furthest thing from my mind . It wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a
great mood... And then, I rear-ended a car. So there we are alongside
the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car...

Yeah, and, well, he's a dwarf.
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.
Who won?

[MadamMack]

Who won?


:rofl:

[MadamMack]

Cursing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources

:rofl:

[MadamMack]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him. Let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what - I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

:rofl:

[Cowboy]

There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart. Getting into a fight was
the furthest thing from my mind . It wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a
great mood... And then, I rear-ended a car. So there we are alongside
the road and slowly the driver gets out of his car...

Yeah, and, well, he's a dwarf.
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

That is too funny! :biggrin2:

[Ayla]

How do you know when you are a complete failure?

Mr Squiggle sends your picture back.

[Dr. Fudd]

Who won?Not my sore left nut. I can tell you that...

[wannabnmaui]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that real helicopter, up high over the fairgrounds .'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! good one

[wannabnmaui]

Stop me if you've heard this.
The Pickle Factory
So, this guy worked at the pickle factory & one day he came home from work & he was upset.
His wife asked him what was the matter & he told her he has this uncontrollable urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. Oh my, his wife told him this could be a serious problem & that he should see a therapist.
A couple of weeks went by with no problems, then one day he came home from work & his face was ashen. His wife asked him what was the matter & he asked her if she remembered what he had told her a couple of weeks ago?
& she said Oh, no, tell me you didn't.
& he said yes, he just couldn't help himself.
When she asked him what happened he told her he was fired.
& she asked him about the pickle slicer
& he told her that she got fired too.

[LadyPain]

Stop me if you've heard this.
The Pickle Factory
So, this guy worked at the pickle factory & one day he came home from work & he was upset.
His wife asked him what was the matter & he told her he has this uncontrollable urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. Oh my, his wife told him this could be a serious problem & that he should see a therapist.
A couple of weeks went by with no problems, then one day he came home from work & his face was ashen. His wife asked him what was the matter & he asked her if she remembered what he had told her a couple of weeks ago?
& she said Oh, no, tell me you didn't.
& he said yes, he just couldn't help himself.
When she asked him what happened he told her he was fired.
& she asked him about the pickle slicer
& he told her that she got fired too.



:geek:

[Patricia A]

Not my sore left nut. I can tell you that...

:down: Awww poor little Lefty.

[BlackThorn]

So there was this young couple, taking a trip, exploring and enjoying New England in the summer. They were a new couple, and were really happy together, enjoying their honeymoon period.

One day they were far from their motel, but they wanted to make love. As they passed a quiet old cemetary in the middle of nowhere, the woman asked her man to stop. "Let's go to the back of that yard, and make love out there."

So they walk out, and find a good stone that was knocked over and in the ground, and they began to make love.

Later, the womans back was bothering her, so she went to a local doctors office, to see what the issue was.

"Doctor, my back has been aching. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

"Well," the doctor said. "According to your back here, you died in 1819."

=oD

[Kim L.]

Not my sore left nut. I can tell you that...

:rofl:

[smjohn]

THE COPING DIET

Only girlfriends can understand this one. This is specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

[Spideyman]

It's a long read, but you might like the ending:smile2:

Women age badly; and how men should deal with it.

No matter how you try to please some women, they just don't appreciate it!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Angie.
When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Angie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Angie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?



EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Angie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

[smjohn]

It's a long read, but you might like the ending:smile2:

Women age badly; and how men should deal with it.

No matter how you try to please some women, they just don't appreciate it!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Angie.
When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Angie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Angie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?



EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Angie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.



:rofl: