All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[Dark Tower]

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww just................wrong.........soooooo wrong lol

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/ATT0001712.jpg

[Cowboy]

Mstay and Tblack.....great stuff!!!:biggrin2:

[Gelata]

Hello all. This is a joke a learnt a long time ago, being a beginner student of English:
A man and a woman are dancing. Then the man says,
-I love you.
And she says,
-I love you too.
And the man,
-I love you three.

[Cowboy]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

[Dark Tower]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."


:rofl:

I've heard that one before and it's STILL funny!

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/tennis.jpg

[Dark Tower]

LOL nice...my gf wouldn't appreciate it because she's an animal lover and a tennis lover but LMAO I like that!!

[Anni M]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/tennis.jpg

jeez, that is sick... LMFAO! :tongue:

[Spideyman]

Keep them coming folks.... they add to the joy of the day. Thanks:smile2:

[JohnK]

I have not read all the jokes here, so if I have repeated, Ms Mod can delete:

Q: What the easiest way to a mans heart? A: Through his chest wall with a sharp knife.

[JohnK]

Here is one more, a little bit longer:

A packed church service was invaded by the devil. He flew through the main doors all fire and smoke and brimstone, and said in the usual horrible voice: "I am Satan, Beazulbub, Mephistopheles, the Prince of Darkness--bow down before me."
Of course, every one in the church fled in fear and panic, except for one old man.
Satan swooped down before the old timer and roared, "I am doom. Do you not fear me?"
The old man looked up from his bible and said, "Why should I? I've been married to your sister for forty eight years."

[Cowboy]

Here is one more, a little bit longer:

A packed church service was invaded by the devil. He flew through the main doors all fire and smoke and brimstone, and said in the usual horrible voice: "I am Satan, Beazulbub, Mephistopheles, the Prince of Darkness--bow down before me."
Of course, every one in the church fled in fear and panic, except for one old man.
Satan swooped down before the old timer and roared, "I am doom. Do you not fear me?"
The old man looked up from his bible and said, "Why should I? I've been married to your sister for forty eight years."

My kids love this joke and make me tell them it often! LOL!!!:biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

I"m looking at a vacation home in Southern Alabama. What do you all think?
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/redneckhousing.jpg

Redneck Villa Estates

[killyerdarlings]

I just posted that as my desktop. lmao!

[Dark Tower]

LMAO!!! I have friends that are from south Alabama that will tell you that's not true but god DAMN that's funny lol

[conniebobonnie]

there was a painter that was very good at his job. over the yr, he decided he wanted more money so he started to use alittle paint thinner, the greeder he got the more thinner he used. one day he put his bid one the big protestent church job, and the won.
so he begains to paint and half way up the steple the pastor comes out and says you might want to do the rest in the morning, why is that ask the painter, pastor replys it looks like wind,
so the pastor goes in and the painter stays, the wind picks up and it starts to rain crazy, the steple is stuck by lightning and the panter safly makes it to the ground and ask God what do i do lord, and the Lord says repaint repaint and thin no more

[Oogway]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[Patricia A]

I"m looking at a vacation home in Southern Alabama. What do you all think?
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/redneckhousing.jpg

Redneck Villa Estates
http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t105/nicotril/Funny/RedneckHotParty.jpg
Redneck Hot Tub.... or redneck cannibals! :eek2:
Redneck famous last words, 'Here, hold my beer and watch this.'

[Tamitha]

http://th241.photobucket.com/albums/ff262/deniseperez13/th_eadc36d0e8f83e03920a6c811c8f8597.jpg (http://photobucket.com/mediadetail/?media=http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff262/deniseperez13/eadc36d0e8f83e03920a6c811c8f8597.jpg&searchTerm=funny jokes&pageOffset=7)
...LMAO!:tongue::rofl:

[Cowboy]

Bill Gates can choose his punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

"That was the demo," replied God.

[Patricia A]

http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j51/wendyinminnesota/LOL%20cats/whoopass.png

[EXISTESS]

Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex- actly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'


. . . And that's when the fight started.

:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Southern Fishing
(with no disrespect to the south what so ever. This was an email from a southern friend.)
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.

He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something: these fish here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chests here and I take 'em home.'

The redneck looked at the game warden intently for a moment and then said, 'I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O.K.,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this ****!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden said, 'Well?'

Well, what?' asked the redneck.

The warden asked, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH!' yelled the warden!

'What fish?' asked the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want to about the South, but you never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North.

[Tamitha]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?


Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . He was a DWARF!


He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'


So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'



. . . And that's when the fight started.


:devil:
Ex
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[mstay]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . And you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, then which one are you?'


. . . And that's when the fight started.

:devil:
Ex


:rofl::rofl::rofl: If I drank coffee it would be sprayed all over the screen!

[Lizard slushie]

THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High
Colonics."
No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."

Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts."
No way.
"Nuts and Butts"
No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

[Patricia A]

Southern Fishing
(with no disrespect to the south what so ever. This was an email from a southern friend.)
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.

He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something: these fish here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chests here and I take 'em home.'

The redneck looked at the game warden intently for a moment and then said, 'I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O.K.,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this ****!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden said, 'Well?'

Well, what?' asked the redneck.

The warden asked, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH!' yelled the warden!

'What fish?' asked the redneck.

Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want to about the South, but you never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North.

:laugh: :laugh:
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h301/logansmoon/shotgun.jpg
To be fair to the South, this represents the Yankee Redneck.

[Anni M]

http://i77.photobucket.com/albums/j51/wendyinminnesota/LOL%20cats/whoopass.png

heehee! We can't buy those in Canada... :biggrin2:

[Lizard slushie]

DISCLAIMER: This joke is gross but my juvenile sense of humor and I find it hilarious.

Fart Football

So a married couple was lying in bed one night, the husband farts and says "Touchdown!" She ignores this. He farts again. "Woohoo, and the extra point is good!" His wife turns and tells him he's disgusting. "No, no," he says, "you don't understand, I'm playing fart football." She's a pretty good sport, and gets in on the action. "Field Goal!"
The husband really wants this game to be a shut out, so he strains and puts all of his effort forth and accidently poops all over the bed.
"So what do you call that?" asks his wife.
"Halftime. Switch sides"

[Cowboy]

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots such as "shank", "chili-dip", "skull", "duck-hook", "worm-burner", etc.

Here are come new ones to add to your vocabulary.

A "Paris Hilton" - a very expensive hole.

A "James Joyce" - a putt that's an impossible read.

A "Rock Hudson" - it looked straight, but wasn't.

A "Saddam Hussein" - from one bunker into another.

A "Yasser Arafat" - butt ugly and in the sand.

A "John Kennedy Jr"., - didn't make it over the water.

A "Rodney King" - over-clubbed.

An "O.J. Simpson" - got away with it.

A "Princess Grace" - should have used a driver.

A "Princess Di" - shouldn't have used a driver.

A "condom" - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A "Rush Limbaugh" - a bit too far to the right.

A "Nancy Pelosi" - way too far to the left.

A "Barbra Streisand" - ugly but still working.

A "Teddy Kennedy" - goes in the water, but jumps out.

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/signs.jpg

[psycho_killer]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at
me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump
into bed, slap her on the backside and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like
she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

[Anni M]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/signs.jpg

This is soooooooooooooo true! LOLOLOL
LMAO :biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

This is soooooooooooooo true! LOLOLOL
LMAO :biggrin2:

Those crazy Canadians!

[rose key]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at
me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump
into bed, slap her on the backside and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like
she's sound asleep! Works every time!"
PSYCHO KILLER!!!!!!!!

Qu'est ce que c'est??
Welcome back!
(previosly Discordia)

[Wolf With The Red Roses]

Three Little Pigs and Little Red Riding Hood walk into a bar. The barman grins at them sheepishly...

Who is the Barman?

[JohnK]

Find the link to "A Prairie Home Companion" at NPR.org and go to the site. You will find a collection of every joke (politically incorrect of course) ever told. PHC has an annual Joke show where they tell every type of joke you could imagine. Enjoy

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/thanksgiving-1.jpg

[Anni M]

Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school any more. Following are actual answers from students on music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex- actly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com- positions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
:devil:
Ex

That's actually pretty damn sad... :sad:

[dragonangel]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at
me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the
full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump
into bed, slap her on the backside and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like
she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[dragonangel]

"The Break In"

A man breaks into a house to look for money and
guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of
bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the
bed the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over
to his wife: "Listen,
this guy has probably spent a lot of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain..do whatever he tells you. This
guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. "I
love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're
hot, and asked if we have
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey.
"I love you, too."



:eek2: :rofl: TOO FUNNY!!!

[Matt43]

HOW TO BATHE A CAT


Last »
I.
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him
in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass
doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain
will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

II.
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how
to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

III.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule.)

IV.
. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds
of your life.

V.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby
rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
latherings, so don't expect too much.)

IV.
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be
removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This
isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get
through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide
to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

[Cowboy]

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

[dsurrett]

I"m looking at a vacation home in Southern Alabama. What do you all think?
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/redneckhousing.jpg

Redneck Villa Estates

I am from south Alabama and am offended by the picture. Anybody knows that only people from Mississippi stack more than two trailers on top of each other!

[Cowboy]

I am from south Alabama and am offended by the picture. Anybody knows that only people from Mississippi stack more than two trailers on top of each other!

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/1.gif

[Cowboy]

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.


So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.


Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.


"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.


The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.


"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.


Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.


She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.


She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"


The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

[Tamitha]

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.


So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.


Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.


"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?" she asked.


The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.


"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.


Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.


She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.


She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"


The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. "You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."
:rofl:Hey!! I resemble that remark!:rofl:

[EXISTESS]

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS

An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Oh gawd, I should be DOING THIS? Thanks for the tip, darlin' :rofl:
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Two men seated beside each other on a flight.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The 1st man asked for a Rum, Orange & Mango Juice, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the other if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen
filthy whores than let alcoholic liquor touch my lips."
The 1st man handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.
:devil:
Ex

[Cowboy]

Two men seated beside each other on a flight.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The 1st man asked for a Rum, Orange & Mango Juice, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the other if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen
filthy whores than let alcoholic liquor touch my lips."
The 1st man handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice.
:devil:
Ex

LOL!!! ha ha ha:biggrin2:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
Auntie Anna Classique`

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said
"I have a praise. Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move. Caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued. "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said "Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the word is STERNUM."

[Patricia A]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
Auntie Anna Classique`

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said
"I have a praise. Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move. Caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued. "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said "Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the word is STERNUM."

:rofl:

[smjohn]

WHY PARENTS DRINK...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and
tatoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be
back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Cowboy]

The Wrinkled Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

[Cowboy]

This would make a perfect bathroom in an airplane.
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/bathroom.jpg

[Anni M]

WHY PARENTS DRINK...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and
tatoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be
back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer
.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Ouch!!!
Good one! :smile2:

[rose key]

WHY PARENTS DRINK...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, and
tatoos, and tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and
ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15
and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be
back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.


OMG-That's a good on smjohn!:laugh::laugh::biggrin2:
I must make sure my daughter's not gonna read that! (She's 14 going on 22)

[Dark Tower]

This would make a perfect bathroom in an airplane.


http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/bathroom.jpg



You'd probably have a lot of people holding it until they get off :rofl:

[Anni M]

You'd probably have a lot of people holding it until they get off :rofl:

Isn't that a bidet in the upper right hand side? Could use it!

as for the 'Getting Off" part, the tub would work, fine@ :biggrin2:

[smjohn]

OMG-That's a good on smjohn!:laugh::laugh::biggrin2:
I must make sure my daughter's not gonna read that! (She's 14 going on 22)


Yes, my oldest daughter turned 15 going on 30 last weekend. I can relate:wow:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

I am resisting with great difficulty a crack about that bathroom and the mile high club.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

Hi,

I am resisting with great difficulty a crack about that bathroom and the mile high club.

Long days and pleasant nights

I was hoping SOMEONE would! :biggrin2::wink2:

[Cowboy]

I was hoping SOMEONE would! :biggrin2::wink2:


Hey, I set it up....now it is up to one of you to do the rest! lol

[smjohn]

Birth Announcement

A woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital. As soon as she recovered the doctor came to speak with her.

"Your baby is in good health, but there's something important I need to tell you".

The woman became worried: "What's the matter with my baby? Please...tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little different. He's a Hermaphrodite".

"What is that?"

"Well, it means your baby is....that he has....all the equipment of a man, and also that of a woman!"

The woman pales: "OH MY GOD! You mean he has a penis and a brain??"

[daisygirl]

A frog walks into a bank to ask for a loan. The teller's name tag reads Patricia Whack. "Good morning, Ms. Whack, I'd like a loan for $100,000 please" says the frog. The teller looks curiously at the frog, and asks, "What's your name"? "Kermit Jagger", replies the frog. "My father is Mick Jagger, maybe you've heard of him". The teller then asks what the frog has to offer for collateral. The frog takes a tiny ceramic pink pig out of his pocket and says "How will this do?'' The teller says that she will have to talk to the bank manager about it, and leaves the room taking the pink pig with her. She goes into the bank managers office, and explains the situation, showing him the little pink pig. The bank manager says "No problem, give him the loan". The teller then asks, "But what in the world is that thing?'' The bank manager replies, "It's a nik nak, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone"!!

[Kim L.]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
Auntie Anna Classique`

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said
"I have a praise. Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move. Caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued. "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium.
He said "Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the word is STERNUM."


:rofl:

[Patricia A]

You'd probably have a lot of people holding it until they get off :rofl:
You said 'holding it until they get off,' tee hee.... I am very immature!

[Caveman.Jones]

I'm really a great lover. I've had plenty of practice on my own. (Woody Allen)


- C.J. Ars longa, vita brevis.

[Dark Tower]

A frog walks into a bank to ask for a loan. The teller's name tag reads Patricia Whack. "Good morning, Ms. Whack, I'd like a loan for $100,000 please" says the frog. The teller looks curiously at the frog, and asks, "What's your name"? "Kermit Jagger", replies the frog. "My father is Mick Jagger, maybe you've heard of him". The teller then asks what the frog has to offer for collateral. The frog takes a tiny ceramic pink pig out of his pocket and says "How will this do?'' The teller says that she will have to talk to the bank manager about it, and leaves the room taking the pink pig with her. She goes into the bank managers office, and explains the situation, showing him the little pink pig. The bank manager says "No problem, give him the loan". The teller then asks, "But what in the world is that thing?'' The bank manager replies, "It's a nik nak, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone"!!


That made me chuckle...it was cute. I'm gonna have to remember that one

[Anni M]

:rofl:
Kim, that woman is a pistol! I wanna be her when I grow up... :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

A DOG IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND !! (kinda sexist, I guess, but FAH!


A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is REALLY happy to see you??

[Anni M]

Hey, I set it up....now it is up to one of you to do the rest! lol

:rofl:

[Dark Tower]

You said 'holding it until they get off,' tee hee.... I am very immature!

wo......wow......so many images come......to mind........when you say that...........

[Cowboy]

A DOG IS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND !! (kinda sexist, I guess, but FAH!


A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is REALLY happy to see you??


That is too funny!:biggrin2:

[EXISTESS]

wo......wow......so many images come......to mind........when you say that...........
you.......said..........come:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.

She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Comments from 1955

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going
to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail
a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost
29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts ma ke it impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing thei r hair as long
as the girls.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every
new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man
on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they
call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a
year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs
nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's
too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'



:devil:
Ex

[Cowboy]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

[Anni M]

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
Bwahahahahahahahahahaha...Auntie Anna is def getting a copy of this one! :D

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/ClintonTalktotheWife.jpg

[Anni M]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/ClintonTalktotheWife.jpg


Snortworthy indeed... :tongue:

[smjohn]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, Red, Orange, and Blue.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[smjohn]

Did I hear somebody say they like Dave Barry?
A guy named Roger is driving his girlfriend, Gloria, home from dinner one night, when Gloria says, "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" There is silence in the car. To Gloria, it seems like a very loud silence.

Gloria (thinking): Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

Roger (thinking): Gosh. Six months.

Gloria (thinking): But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

Roger (thinking): So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa, I am way overdue for an oil change here.

Gloria (thinking): He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

Roger (thinking): And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

Gloria (thinking): He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

Roger (thinking): They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

Gloria (thinking): Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who is in pain because of my self-centered schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

Roger (thinking): Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Gloria (aloud): Roger?

Roger (startled): What?

Gloria (sobbing): I'm such a fool. I mean, I know there's no knigh. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knigh, and there's no horse.

Roger: There's no horse?

Gloria: You think I'm a fool, don't you?

Roger (relieved finally to know the right answer): No.

Gloria: It's just that...It's that I...I need some time.

Roger (after a 15-second pause during which he is thinking as fast as he can, trying to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work): No.

Gloria (deeply moved, touching his hand): Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?

Roger: What way?

Gloria: That way about time.

Roger: Oh. Yes.

Gloria (gazing deeply into Roger's eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks): Thank you, Roger.

Roger: Thank you.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed and cries until dawn. Roger goes back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he could ever understand what. He figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Gloria calls all her best friends and talks about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyze everything she said and everything he said, considering everypossible ramification. They continue to discuss this subject off & on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Gloria's pauses just before serving, frowns, and says "Norm, did Gloria ever own a horse?"
AAHHHH, The power of communication:biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/KYtattoos.jpg
I know it is hard to read, but the quote at the bottom is "Let us poke the one you love" It just struck me as funny when I was driving by.

[rose key]

Birth Announcement

A woman just gave birth to a baby in a hospital. As soon as she recovered the doctor came to speak with her.

"Your baby is in good health, but there's something important I need to tell you".

The woman became worried: "What's the matter with my baby? Please...tell me what's wrong."

"There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little different. He's a Hermaphrodite".

"What is that?"

"Well, it means your baby is....that he has....all the equipment of a man, and also that of a woman!"

The woman pales: "OH MY GOD! You mean he has a penis and a brain??"

Just catching up on my reading & I saw this. Hysterical! I'm passing this one on.:rofl:

[Kim L.]

Kim, that woman is a pistol! I wanna be her when I grow up... :biggrin2:

I hope she knows how much we appreciate her jokes:smile2:

[Kim L.]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, Red, Orange, and Blue.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

:rofl:

[Patricia A]

I'm really a great lover. I've had plenty of practice on my own. (Woody Allen)


- C.J. Ars longa, vita brevis.
I remember the first time I had sex, I was scared to death, I was all alone. :eek2:
Rodney Dangerfield

[Cola]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, Red, Orange, and Blue.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Thankee Big big - been a long time from I laughed out loud at my puter screen like that!!

[bookworm101]

A robber takes over a bank and has hostages
he asked the first hostage did you see me rob this bank?
the man answered yes and the robber shot him
The robber then asked the next man did you see me rob this bank
the man answered no I didn't, but my wife did.

[Dark Tower]

Did I hear somebody say they like Dave Barry?
A guy named Roger is driving his girlfriend, Gloria, home from dinner one night, when Gloria says, "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" There is silence in the car. To Gloria, it seems like a very loud silence.

Gloria (thinking): Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

Roger (thinking): Gosh. Six months.

Gloria (thinking): But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

Roger (thinking): So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa, I am way overdue for an oil change here.

Gloria (thinking): He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

Roger (thinking): And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

Gloria (thinking): He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

Roger (thinking): They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

Gloria (thinking): Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who is in pain because of my self-centered schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

Roger (thinking): Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Gloria (aloud): Roger?

Roger (startled): What?

Gloria (sobbing): I'm such a fool. I mean, I know there's no knigh. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knigh, and there's no horse.

Roger: There's no horse?

Gloria: You think I'm a fool, don't you?

Roger (relieved finally to know the right answer): No.

Gloria: It's just that...It's that I...I need some time.

Roger (after a 15-second pause during which he is thinking as fast as he can, trying to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work): No.

Gloria (deeply moved, touching his hand): Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?

Roger: What way?

Gloria: That way about time.

Roger: Oh. Yes.

Gloria (gazing deeply into Roger's eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks): Thank you, Roger.

Roger: Thank you.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed and cries until dawn. Roger goes back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he could ever understand what. He figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Gloria calls all her best friends and talks about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyze everything she said and everything he said, considering every possible ramification. They continue to discuss this subject off & on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Gloria's pauses just before serving, frowns, and says "Norm, did Gloria ever own a horse?"
AAHHHH, The power of communication:biggrin2:

:rofl::rofl:

This is what I've been telling people for years now....communication is KEY!! lol

[BRUMMIEYID]

My 5 year old daughter came home from school with this one, she's told everyone we know...

Why did the Banana go to the doctors...

Becuase he did'nt PEEL very well..



sorry:smile2:

[MrsSmeej]

Three high rise construction workers, an Italian, an Irishman, and a blonde, took their lunch break together everyday. Every day they complained about the same thing. "I swear, if Maria packs me a meatball sub one more time, I am going to jump off this building," said Tony. "You think you're the only one sick of the same thing day after day?" asked Mike. "I swear, if Bridget gives me corned beef again, I'm going to jump off of this building, too. "Tuna, always with the tuna," groused the blonde. "If I get tuna tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this building too."
The next day all three men met for lunch again. "Meatball sub! That's it... I can't take it anymore," screamed Tony and he threw himself from the building. "Corned beef! Again! Goodbye cruel world," shouted Mike as he too threw himself from the building. The blonde opened his lunch and groaned "Tuna, always with the tuna," and he also jumped from the building.
All three widows met at the funeral home the next day. "Ohh Tony, if only you had told me how strongly you felt about the meatball subs, I would have packed you something else," cried Maria. "Ahh, Mike... Sure and I didn't know you were serious about not wanting corned beef... I would have changed to please you," wept Bridget. The Italian woman and the Irishwoman both turned to the blonde man's wife... With tears streaming down her face she said, "Don't look at me, he packed his own lunches.

[halloweengirl49]

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

There's no answer to put behind the spoiler button...
I'm sure you get it.....don't ya? I mean a smurf is already....:biggrin2::biggrin2:.......blue..

Yeah, I'm a real comedian

[Kim L.]

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9

[Wolf With The Red Roses]

Three Little Pigs and Little Red Riding Hood walk into a bar. The barman grins at them sheepishly...

Who is the Barman?

No takers huh? Oh well... the answer is

A Wolf in Sheep's clothing

[Cowboy]

HIS AND HERS ATM

HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/Joke-2d.gif

[rose key]

My 5 year old daughter came home from school with this one, she's told everyone we know...

Why did the Banana go to the doctors...

Becuase he did'nt PEEL very well..



sorry:smile2:

Cute!

[Dark Tower]

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

There's no answer to put behind the spoiler button...
I'm sure you get it.....don't ya? I mean a smurf is already....:biggrin2::biggrin2:.......blue..

Yeah, I'm a real comedian



Well if you go by the one commercial in which some one asks why are smurfs blue and the grummpy smurf says "We're not, we're green. Adjust your color!" Then they would turn turquoise

[Patricia A]

http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u69/shorty4u300021/4173.jpg
Words to live by.

[Cowboy]

http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u69/shorty4u300021/4173.jpg
Words to live by.

My motto exactly! :biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq956JmU1LE
Bushisms with laughing baby.
I don't know why this video cracks me up, instead of laughing mayhap I outta be crying.
http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r196/JohnathanZX4/Bushisms%20et%20al/bushism12.jpg

[Cowboy]

Now he's in trouble
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?"To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."

The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."

And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"

The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"

To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

[Lizard slushie]

Hope this one hasn't been posted already. . .

This guy goes into the psychiatrist's office, naked and tightly wound in saran wrap. The doctor looks at him and says
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

[Firetalion]

I have not read all the jokes here, so if I have repeated, Ms Mod can delete:

Q: What the easiest way to a mans heart? A: Through his chest wall with a sharp knife.

I remember this joke from a Mad Magazine I owned a very long time ago. The joke was, which popular sayings were true or whatever... The one that 'the quickest way to a mans heart is through his stomach' was 'false', and the 'true' answer was the one you provided... er, maybe it was something like, through his gut and up and under and through his ribs, I forget... same type of joke tho.

I remember another joke in that set was "a coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero dies but one", and I think that one was 'false'. I forget the punch though. Something like the hero dies in the first five minutes, the coward lives for a real long time in his cowardice, or something to that effect. I hate to be wrong tho... I should dredge out my attic to be sure... ;)

[Kim L.]

Now he's in trouble
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?"To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."

The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."

And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"

The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"

To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."

:rofl:

[Caveman.Jones]

Thankee Big big - been a long time from I laughed out loud at my puter screen like that!!


Never listened to Bobcat, Davis Cross, Robert Schimmel?



- C. J. , just a regular guy.

[garykingfan]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq956JmU1LE
Bushisms with laughing baby.
I don't know why this video cracks me up, instead of laughing mayhap I outta be crying.
http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r196/JohnathanZX4/Bushisms%20et%20al/bushism12.jpg

SOMEBODY, QUICK, WHILE THERES STILL TIME!!!! PUT THAT BABY IN THE WHITEHOUSE BEFORE HIS HEAD GHETS IMPLANTED IN HIS SPHINCTER BY MODERN SOCIETY

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/ref.jpg

[Cowboy]

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

[smjohn]

THE BEST (actual) HEADLINES:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says; No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers;Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?; Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over; What a guy!

Miners refuse to work After Death; No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant; See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace; I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile; Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures; Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide; They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges; You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?! Oklahoma’s construction program!


Man Struck By Lightning; Faces Battery Charge; He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group; Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft; that’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks; Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half; Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors; Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead; did I read that right?

[smjohn]

OLD LOVE...

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

[Gallina]

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[rose key]

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

Able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

Turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big

F' ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[Dark Tower]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/ref.jpg


It's the man's facial expression that really makes this :rofl::rofl:

[MrsSmeej]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

[TBlack]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said,'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[MrsSmeej]

:rofl:

[Anni M]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: Green, Red, Orange, and Blue.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And, in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response.
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
smjohn, that was hilarious... :rofl:

[Anni M]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq956JmU1LE
Bushisms with laughing baby.
I don't know why this video cracks me up, instead of laughing mayhap I outta be crying.


http://i144.photobucket.com/albums/r196/JohnathanZX4/Bushisms%20et%20al/bushism12.jpg

Just the picture cracks me up! :tongue:

[Kim L.]

OLD LOVE...

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

:biggrin2::biggrin2:
Smjohn, you never fail to brighten my day!

[Anni M]

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.
When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
:rofl:

[smjohn]

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

Able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

Turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big

F' ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

LOL, that was funny:)

[smjohn]

:biggrin2::biggrin2:
Smjohn, you never fail to brighten my day!

Ahhh. Thank you Kim:) Hope you are feeling better.

[Kim L.]

Ahhh. Thank you Kim:) Hope you are feeling better.

Much better, thanks. My voice is back but I still can't sing. Oh well, I never could.

[smjohn]

Much better, thanks. My voice is back but I still can't sing. Oh well, I never could.

Keeping you in my constant prayers:love:

[Cowboy]

A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"!
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/typical_lawyer.jpg

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/cleanhouse.jpghttp://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/friday-at-work.jpg

[Marianne]

Excellent, smjohn!! :laugh:

What's a blonde's favorite wine?


Daaaaaaaaaad! I wanna go to Miaaaaami!!

Could easily hear that coming from Paris Hilton!! lmao

It's my first time in this thread.... wow 63 pages to look through - good thing I got all day at work to do that! :rofl:

[Marianne]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."



"I have a better idea, " she replied. "Just for tonight, let's just pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.


"Good," she replied... "Get your own damn blanket."

After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.


Love it!!! :biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Dark Tower]

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

Bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

Able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

Turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big

F' ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


LMAO sounds like my mother. That's a great one

[mstay]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/cleanhouse.jpghttp://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/friday-at-work.jpg

:rofl::rofl: These are so totally me! :blush:

[Anni M]

Could easily hear that coming from Paris Hilton!! lmao

It's my first time in this thread.... wow 63 pages to look through - good thing I got all day at work to do that! :rofl:
THERE is that little green mop top! Hi Marianne! :biggrin2:

[Marianne]

'Lizard Birth'

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a l itter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[EXISTESS]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.
"Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?"
"Oh crap!" the blonde says. "I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.
I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/tsmileys2/32.gif

NONE OF THEM WORKED!.
http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/tsmileys2/02.gif

This year, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers.
Thank you!
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Doctors Never Laugh

Bob goes to the Doctor.
...the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest weener the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to
struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.
and that's enough outta me!
:devil:
Ex

[Marianne]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"

said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what

I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk"

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all.

Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
:devil:
Ex


LMAO :biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

:rofl::rofl: These are so totally me! :blush:
Me too! :biggrin2:

[Marianne]

My boss (yeah, the boss-man) sent this to me when I first moved to England :biggrin2: Maybe he was curious to find out just how 'good' my English was!! I think I passed the test :wink2: :laugh:

The Boss was in a quandary.

He had to downsize the office and narrowed it down to one of two people: Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?", she said. "I feel like sh*t this morning."

[Marianne]

I'm on page 30 now and I'm having a blast! :biggrin2: There are so many blonde jokes that I thought it was about time that we had ....

A not so stupid blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the
title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan!

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde
for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy
to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies . . "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

:rofl:

[Marianne]

Because I'm a man!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator....

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.............. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men....

[Anni M]

Because I'm a man!

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator....

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.............. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men....
Heehee
:rofl:

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/ChickenJoke.jpg

[smjohn]

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself...

You hang in there sunshine, you're special. :wink2:

[smjohn]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies,
(thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
" Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I 'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[daisygirl]

A new supermarket recently opened here in town. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[smjohn]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Wolf With The Red Roses]

The Japanese Erection

Our erections are so big
The Japanese man said
And we are velly solly
If that’s over your head
Erections are so selious
You can’t take them for glanted
I had to leave my garden
With the loses barely pranted
I dlove down to the booth
And gave the man my name
And he gave me a voting srip
That with a pencil came
Yes erections are impotent
But no matter who’s erected
The govelnment gets in
And the voters are negrected

[Kim L.]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

The third piggy says - 'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

:rofl::rofl:

[STEVENH]

How Do I Get One Of Those Cool Avatars???

[Cowboy]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions over came them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

[Cowboy]

Just before take off, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt.

"Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled.

"Well," the stewardess replied, "Superman don't need no airplane!"

[smjohn]

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby :You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day ju st gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.

______________________________________________________
GRANDCHILDREN:

Your reward for allowing your children to live!

[JohnDalglish]

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby :You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day ju st gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.

______________________________________________________
GRANDCHILDREN:

Your reward for allowing your children to live!


Hi,

That's marvellous, smjohn, ROFFLMFAO again!

Long days and pleasant nights

[Kim L.]

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby :You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day ju st gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.

______________________________________________________
GRANDCHILDREN:

Your reward for allowing your children to live!

Faneffingtastic, smjohn!!

[rose key]

How Do I Get One Of Those Cool Avatars???
I think you need a few more posts. Then you can go to "User CP" (top left on your screen) then select "Edit Avatar". There are many to choose from. Good luck.

[rose key]

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
________________________________________________
The Layette :

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need
it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby :You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day ju st gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.

______________________________________________________
GRANDCHILDREN:

Your reward for allowing your children to live!

Loved it smjohn! The third baby reminded me of my second! (and last)

[smjohn]

Loved it smjohn! The third baby reminded me of my second! (and last)

I'm on my 3rd:) First one I had at 19, 2nd at 25 and third at 34. It works that way even when they are spread that far apart:)

[Cowboy]

Stayin' Alive

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.
He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Cowboy]

Driver illegally parks
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

[MadamMack]

The Japanese Erection

Our erections are so big
The Japanese man said
And we are velly solly
If that’s over your head
Erections are so selious
You can’t take them for glanted
I had to leave my garden
With the loses barely pranted
I dlove down to the booth
And gave the man my name
And he gave me a voting srip
That with a pencil came
Yes erections are impotent
But no matter who’s erected
The govelnment gets in
And the voters are negrected


:rofl:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
An AA Classique`

PET RULES--To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.!

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[rose madder]

there were two men working on a building site when one slipped and lost his leg, his mate put his leg in a plastic bag and said dont worry i'll take you to the miracle hospital, ok he replied.
anyway next day he turns up at work all better and fixed.
so just as they're finishing their day's work he slipped again only this time he loses his head and his mate put it in the bag and said back to the miracle hospital.
Anyway two days later his mate visits him as he has not seen him since losing his head, goes to the nurse and asked where his mate was, she said his dead, and he replie's i thought you were the miracle hospital and she she'd we are but he suffocated before he got here.

[rose madder]

bad i know

[Anni M]

bad i know
Maybe, but the first guy didn't have a leg to stand on and the second guy was waaaaaay a-head of himself... groannnnnnnnnnnn :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[MrsSmeej]

Morning all... Anni M :rofl: , really! I'm not sure if I read this here or not, but:

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of a joke?" ba dum dum.

[rose madder]

Maybe, but the first guy didn't have a leg to stand on and the second guy was waaaaaay a-head of himself... groannnnnnnnnnnn :laugh::laugh::laugh:

:rofl:very good,i like it:smile2:

[Patricia A]

there were two men working on a building site when one slipped and lost his leg, his mate put his leg in a plastic bag and said dont worry i'll take you to the miracle hospital, ok he replied.
anyway next day he turns up at work all better and fixed.
so just as they're finishing their day's work he slipped again only this time he loses his head and his mate put it in the bag and said back to the miracle hospital.
Anyway two days later his mate visits him as he has not seen him since losing his head, goes to the nurse and asked where his mate was, she said his dead, and he replie's i thought you were the miracle hospital and she she'd we are but he suffocated before he got here.
I'm gonna tell this one at work at our safety meeting. LOL

[Purp7e_Fi7th]

Morning all... Anni M :rofl: , really! I'm not sure if I read this here or not, but:

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of a joke?" ba dum dum.

Haha thats cute :dizzy:

[Anni M]

Rose Madder and Mrs. Smeej...

:D

[Patricia A]

http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m138/CHRISDUQUETTE/funny.gif
I want this on a t-shirt!

[JohnDalglish]

http://i103.photobucket.com/albums/m138/CHRISDUQUETTE/funny.gif
I want this on a t-shirt!

Hi,

Great, thankee Pat.

Aint't that the truth?

Long days and pleasant nights

[maidenbutterfly]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[maidenbutterfly]

Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's Dad had a talk with Johnnie and explained that the baby had no ears.
His Dad told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his Dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "cause he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses".

[maidenbutterfly]

More little Johnny Jokes...
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom "

[leasa]

Guy Rules: How men and women differ in life!



1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

[Anni M]

The pirate walked into an inn and the innkeeper said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

''Whadya' mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I was fitted with this hook. I'm fine,
really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, we were at sea, and a seagull flew over. I looked up and it ****
in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the innkeeper, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird ****."

"No, but it was my first day with the hook."

[Anni M]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

.. And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot. :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg AA Classique`

Abe has a job that takes him everywhere and he frequently has problems finding a synagogue in some of the towns, so he figures G~d is everywhere and so he decides to go into Church to worship.

He takes out the Tallis puts on his kippah and proceeds to pray.

The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services, and having heard the whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non Catholics please leave."

Abe goes right on praying.

Next request: "Will all non Catholics please leave."

Nobody moves. Nobody responds.

Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave!"

At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off his kippah and puts it away.

Then he goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says the immortal words:

"Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore”

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/duh-1.jpg

[Cowboy]

The pirate walked into an inn and the innkeeper said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

''Whadya' mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I was fitted with this hook. I'm fine,
really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, we were at sea, and a seagull flew over. I looked up and it ****
in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the innkeeper, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from bird ****."

"No, but it was my first day with the hook."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.......ooooh....ha ha ha ha ha

[Patricia A]

My family has a tradition, we eat at least one meal a week together at the table, and part of this tradition is that you cannot be excused until you tell a joke or riddle, this is one from my G-niece.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef :biggrin2:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyway.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

My family has a tradition, we eat at least one meal a week together at the table, and part of this tradition is that you cannot be excused until you tell a joke or riddle, this is one from my G-niece.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef :biggrin2:
http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/tsmileys2/37.gif moooooooooooo

:rofl:

[smjohn]

More little Johnny Jokes...
Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom "


Ya gotta love Little Johnny:biggrin2:

[smjohn]

Hi,

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyway.

Long days and pleasant nights

:rofl:

[Angrybeaver]

Anni's jokes had me ROFLMAO, thanks for the chuckle :P
Craig :)

[Spideyman]

Great jokes guys. Does a body good:smile2:

[EXISTESS]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the Crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?

SShe enjoyed herself immensely at dinner that evening.

:devil:
Ex

[Kim L.]

Great jokes guys. Does a body good:smile2:

Yes indeed, please keep them coming!

[Anni M]

ALL our joke putter-inners have great choices! :biggrin2:



http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/tsmileys2/18.gif

[EXISTESS]

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away............ *
*
*
*
*"We're down here"

:devil:
Ex

[Anni M]

Hi,

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he ain't coming anyway.

Long days and pleasant nights
I missed this!
oh noooooooooooooo
:rofl:

[Kim L.]

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared because there were no brain cells around, and she yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away............ *
*
*
*
*"We're down here"

:devil:
Ex


:rofl: :biggrin2:

[mstay]

:rofl: :biggrin2:

Me too!!! :rofl::rofl:

[Patricia A]

http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd301/tina208/funny.jpg
Sorry had to do it.

[Kim L.]

http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd301/tina208/funny.jpg
Sorry had to do it.

PATRICIA!!
:rofl:

[dragonangel]

:rofl:


http://i220.photobucket.com/albums/dd301/tina208/funny.jpg
Sorry had to do it.

[Reesespieces]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?':oo:

[Patricia A]

You guys really crack me up. Good jokes boys and girls. I've been stealing your jokes and telling them to who ever will listen.... They seem to be funnier here, not your fault though. I am a terrible joke teller. I accidentally omit important stuff and forget punch lines and sometimes it's bad timing or poor delivery, but bless me I still try. :sad:
However I do believe John's "Dog with no legs" will get me excused from the dinner table quite nicely Saturday PM. I anticipate gales of laughter. :biggrin2:

[MrsSmeej]

Patricia, you naughty girl you.... :biggrin2:

[maidenbutterfly]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:



"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight."



When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:



"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[Cowboy]

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[Anni M]

Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getti ng dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
-Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
-Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?
-If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
-Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles -are always white?
-Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
-Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their -vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down -to give the vacuum one more chance?
-Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
-When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'
-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

-How come you never hear father-in-law jokes??

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/strict_as_mom.jpg

[Anni M]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/strict_as_mom.jpg
This is absolutely perfect! :rofl:

[Reesespieces]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?


10 years and 45 lbs





What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

[Anni M]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?




10 years and 45 lbs





What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes


Chuckle chuckle!
:biggrin2:

[Gwenivere]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doin'?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[Kim L.]

A man goes to see his internist and says "Can you help me? I'm turning into a moth." The internist says "Well, I'm really not a specialist in these things. You need to see a psychiatrist." The man replies "I have a psychiatrist. I was on my way to see her, but your light was on."

[Patricia A]

A man goes to see his internist and says "Can you help me? I'm turning into a moth." The internist says "Well, I'm really not a specialist in these things. You need to see a psychiatrist." The man replies "I have a psychiatrist. I was on my way to see her, but your light was on."
:rofl: But it took me a minute.

[MrsSmeej]

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

[smjohn]

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
hoohoo. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend
found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used
petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[smooth operator]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different...You didn't tell me you had a prescription...

[Kim L.]

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
hoohoo. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend
found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used
petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.


:oo:Or having a psycho girlfriend

[tiger67]

What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your pyjamas?

Your Mum!

:biggrin2:

[kingfan missus]

HOW MANY MICE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?



2 its getting them in the lightbulb thats difficult

[Patricia A]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,
and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different...You didn't tell me you had a prescription...
:rofl:

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/chicken-3.jpg

[rose key]

HOW MANY MICE DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?



2 its getting them in the lightbulb thats difficult

HA! Cute little micies awwww...:biggrin2::biggrin2:

[m83nghtmre]

Hey heres a joke,
these three prisoners had escaped from jail and running in the woods to this
cliff that supposed to turn you into anything you want when you jump off. So the first prisoner jumps off a says eagle, So he turns into an eagle and fly away. The second prisoner jumps off and says hawk, so he turns into a hawk and fly away.
The last prisoner jumps off and looks down then he says holy crap and turns into a pile of crap.

[Oogway]

Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep.

[Caveman.Jones]

A Chinese couple are in bed, and the husband says "I wanna sixty-nine."

The wife says "Why you want mushroom chicken, now?"

-CJ

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/506.jpg

[MadamMack]

Pull my finger . . .

[Cowboy]

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[killyerdarlings]

A Chinese couple are in bed, and the husband says "I wanna sixty-nine."

The wife says "Why you want mushroom chicken, now?"

-CJ


That's horrible and I can't stop laughing.

[MrsSmeej]

The Joint Chiefs of Staff were briefing President Bush shortly after the beginning of the "Coalition of the Willing". A solemn general turned to W. and said "Mr. President, we've lost three Brazilian soldiers." "Damn!" said Bush, paused a moment and then asked; "How many is a brazillion?"

[Patricia A]

Pull my finger . . .
:rofl:

[Patricia A]

The Joint Chiefs of Staff were briefing President Bush shortly after the beginning of the "Coalition of the Willing". A solemn general turned to W. and said "Mr. President, we've lost three Brazilian soldiers." "Damn!" said Bush, paused a moment and then asked; "How many is a brazillion?"
I am totally stealing this joke! I already told my sister who is LHAO!

[daisygirl]

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.....

[Anni M]

I am totally stealing this joke! I already told my sister who is LHAO!
Joke theft is perfectly legal.... or else this thread wouldn't exist! :biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

Joke theft is perfectly legal.... or else this thread wouldn't exist! :biggrin2::biggrin2:
And that's a good thing cause I steal yours all of the time. :biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

Looking back on photos
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

[smjohn]

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[smjohn]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma' am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

[MrsSmeej]

That's why I post them Patricia... And I'm glad we have determined that joke theft is legal 'cause, if not, I'd be doing hard time what with the amount of jokes I've stolen from here. Can we agree to call it borrowing? I'll bring them right back, I promise.

[JohnDalglish]

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted

Hi,

ROFFLMFAO!!!

Good one, smjohn, I was going to say I didn't see that one coming, but perhaps not.

I'm glad the theft/borrowing situation's been sorted out - can I trade in a bunch of nearly new jokes?

Long days and pleasant nights

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

A guy's leaning over his garden fence one day, watching his neighbour's ten year old daughter digging a hole in her garden.

'What are you doing, Emily?' he said.

'I'm burying my goldfish' she replied.

So he watched her for a while as she dug and dug,

'That's a very big hole for a goldfish, Emily' he finally said.

'That's because it's in your f*cking cat' she answered.


Long days and pleasant nights

[Patricia A]

That's why I post them Patricia... And I'm glad we have determined that joke theft is legal 'cause, if not, I'd be doing hard time what with the amount of jokes I've stolen from here. Can we agree to call it borrowing? I'll bring them right back, I promise.
OK borrowing it is then, but I've got just enough larceny in me to like the idea of being a joke pirate. :biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

Were you drinking?
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

[Cowboy]

It's Not For Him, Stupid

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

[Cowboy]

[QUOTE=JohnDalglish;140966]Hi,

A guy's leaning over his garden fence one day, watching his neighbour's ten year old daughter digging a hole in her garden.

'What are you doing, Emily?' he said.

'I'm burying my goldfish' she replied.

So he watched her for a while as she dug and dug,

'That's a very big hole for a goldfish, Emily' he finally said.

'That's because it's in your f*cking cat' she answered.


Now that is just funny.....:biggrin2:

[Anni M]

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm... http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/tsmileys2/05.gif

[Anni M]

What's pink and fluffy?


Pink Fluff...

[psycho_killer]

These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services .........


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-------------------- --- --- -! ------- ------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
------------------------------------------------ ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------- ------ -----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".