All Jokes All the Time!!!!!

[TBlack]

Five Reasons Why Computers Must be Male:

1. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
2. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
3. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've made a connection.
4. They're typically obsolete within 5 years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel that they have already invested so much in the machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
5. They get hot when you turn them on and that's the only time they have your attention.

Five Reasons Why Computers Must be Female:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are committed to memory for future reference.
4. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you then I'm certainly not going to tell you!"
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
And Software doesn't matter?

[Anni M]

Tery, I think you made me pee my pants :rofl:

[MadamMack]

And Software doesn't matter?

:laugh:

[MadamMack]

There was a big moron and a little moron on a ledge. One fell off. Which one stayed on?

The little one. (Because he was a Little More-On, lol!)

If I don't read the spoiler and give the wrong answer, will I be thought of as another moron?:biggrin2::tongue::tongue:[/QUOTE]

:rofl: Good on Galli!

[MadamMack]

PMS:

During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's a** all the way to Bethlehem."

:rofl:

[MadamMack]

[QUOTE=JohnDalglish;95532]Hi,




:rofl:
I love that one!

This thread is great. I love jokes, so I'm trying to translate a Spanish one for you:

A man is sitting at home and then the telephone rings:
-Hello?
And a deep, slow voice says,
-Look, I can speak!
-So what? I can speak too!
-Yes, but I'm a cow.

:rofl:

[MadamMack]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

An AA Classique`

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's the end of the line up!"

:rofl: end of the line! :laugh:

[MadamMack]

:rofl:


:laugh:

[MadamMack]

LOL. That reminds me of a thing my Dr. told me. I was all nervous about having to see a GYN, hate that stuff. And I told him I thought that I'd rather have a female GYN because I was suspicious about a man's motivation behind becoming a GYN in the first place. He told me not to worry because if the man went into the field with less than honorable intentions that he would most likely be disappointed in a hurry and find a new specialty, he said "yea if he expects his patients are all going to be variations of Pam Anderson and finds out that most of them are variations of Aunt Bea, they tend to move on."


hahahahahahahahahahahhahaha!

[MadamMack]

How do you make Pickle Bread?
With Dill Dough!


:laugh:
:laugh:
:oh:

[MadamMack]

The cannibal father and his cannibal children are having dinner. The father asks,
-Do you like grandma's soup?
-Yes, but I think we're gonna miss her :biggrin2:

:laugh:

[MadamMack]

I love to come to this tread about once a week. I always laugh until my stomach muscles are tight.

--shut up T!

[Cola]

Tery, I think you made me pee my pants :rofl:

I'm right there with ya!!!

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

That was great, Tery, thankee.

Just one thing though - it's interesting that we managed to combine some of the worst features of both genders in the computer.

Surely it would have been more sense to combine the BEST features?

Long days and pleasant nights

[TBlack]

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Kodiak the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

[Gallina]

:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[EXISTESS]

Yeah, yeah... :geek: Geek. :biggrin2:
luv ya too
xxooa
You're a YEEK!! Half geek, half Yenta!! :rofl:
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

I think this has made the rounds before. Enjoy anyway!!




Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?




What disease did cured ham actually have?





How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?




Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?




If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?






Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?




Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns! the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?




If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?




Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?





:devil:


Ex

[Spideyman]

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Kodiak the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.



:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[Anni M]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR



A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.


She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.


A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.


As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.


Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"


To which she replied, "There certainly is!"




"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

[Anni M]

A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[Cola]

A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

:rofl:

[Anni M]

2010 Winter Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke but the questions were really asked .

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
(England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list ofthem in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of? (personal fave)
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions .
Q:Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, we don't stink.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round ? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.It's a kind of big horse with horns . (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go ? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Priceless, Anni, ROFFLMFAO!!!!

You're on a roll! (But didn't you used to hold that blondes get bad press ? LOL).

Long days and pleasant nights

[Kim L.]

2010 Winter Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke but the questions were really asked .

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
(England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list ofthem in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of? (personal fave)
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions .
Q:Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, we don't stink.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round ? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.It's a kind of big horse with horns . (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go ? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

:rofl::rofl: Hippo races! LMAO!

[Anni M]

Hi,

Priceless, Anni, ROFFLMFAO!!!!

You're on a roll! (But didn't you used to hold that blondes get bad press ? LOL).

Long days and pleasant nights

LOL, thankee.
I always say that blondes get a bum rap, but blonde jokes rule never the less!
OOO, I said .... :dizzy:

[Anni M]

:rofl::rofl: Hippo races! LMAO!
Scary thing is that these questions are true! LOL
:biggrin2:

[MadamMack]

[QUOTE=Anni M;103157]A Blonde's Year in Review


November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
per pound and I weigh 108!!


:rofl:

[MadamMack]

http://www.redwoodgoodsam.org/Red_Hat_Ladies.gif

Foxy Mommas in the houze!

[Gelata]

Hello everyone.

A man comes into a pub and asks for a beer. Then, the man sitting at the counter says,
-Excuse me, you are a fireman, aren't you?
-Well, yes, how did you know?
-It's the way you look, so self-confident..., and the way you walk..., and your assurance, your nerve..., your uniform...:grinning:

[Cola]

2010 Winter Olympics

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke but the questions were really asked .

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
(England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list ofthem in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
A: What did your last slave die of? (personal fave)
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing
is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions .
Q:Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, we don't stink.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round ? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name.It's a kind of big horse with horns . (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go ? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

I really couldn't believe some of this Anni - some people are so dumb!!

[Anni M]

http://www.redwoodgoodsam.org/Red_Hat_Ladies.gif


Foxy Mommas in the houze!

Bet they party heartier than I do... :oo: :biggrin2:

[rose key]

blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Kim L.]

http://www.redwoodgoodsam.org/Red_Hat_Ladies.gif

Foxy Mommas in the houze!

Look out, it's the Red Hat Ladies!!

[mairzy]

A blonde was driving her car past a field one afternoon when she noticed something out the window. Irritated, she pulled the car over, got out and stood there looking out at another blonde who was sitting in a boat, trying to row across the field.
"You know," the first blonde yelled out to her, "It's dumb blondes like you who give the rest of us a bad name. And if I could swim, I'd come out there and and kick your a$$."

[smjohn]

That Should Do It...

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard
barking for hours and hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of
this". She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says
"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see
how THEY like it!"

[Dr. Fudd]

Three guys are bragging about how drunk they were last night. First guy says, "I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."

"That's nothing", says the next guy, "I got in my car and drove it straight into a tree!!"

The third guy takes a picture out of his wallet and shows both guys. They grimace and he says, "I was so drunk last night I went home and had sex with my wife. I think I win this contest boys."

Then the first guy pipes up and says, "I'm sorry you didn't understand, "chunks" is my dog."

[Firetalion]

What giggles and smokes like a chimney?


A white woman in heat!

[Anni M]

Look out, it's the Red Hat Ladies!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I swear that saw that one coming! Good one! :biggrin2:

[Anni M]

Mairzy and smjohn1! Thakee thankee for such jokes as these fair haired nuggets!!@!!!!!!
:rofl:

[Anni M]

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/ (http://www.flashbynight.com/test/)

This should be a good time waster...have fun! :biggrin2:

[Charms7]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his arse.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shite out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his arse.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay and verily unto God!"
And finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Firetalion]

Hehe... blonde jokes!


A blonde and a brunette fall out of a plane... which one hits the ground first?


The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.



A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins?


The stupid blonde... Because the other two don't exist.

[Firetalion]

This one is a bit ethnic... but hell, I'm a white guy who hangs with semi-rednecks constantly... if I'm not already, I'll be the minority in a few years... I only plan on having a few children in this plain, ya dig? And I'll take any joke about my sex or ethnicitiy or anything with a smile. I'm Irish, and I'll take Irish jokes and even tell 'em back, all day... (and we'll all be mutts in another century or so)

--------------------------------------

Sooooo... There was this non-white kid, who had to run an errand for his mom. At the store, he picked out the large wheel of cheese his mother asked him to get. But walking home, he became tired, and sat at the top of a tall hill resting for a moment, and setting the wheel of cheese down. At one point, the cheese started rolling down the hill, but the boy couldn't keep up as he was racing down the hill after it.

The wheel came to rest at the bottom of the hill, at the feet of a business man. The business man picked the wheel up, and brought it home to his wife. When he presented it to her, she asked him what kind of cheese it was...


"I'm pretty sure it's nacho. On my way home, some kid kept running after me, shouting, "It's NAT' CHO' CHEESE! IT'S NAT' CHO' CHEESE!!!"

[Tery]

What's a blonde's favorite wine?

Daaaaaad! I wanna go to Miaaaami!




Found this LOLCat in my inbox today:

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/funny-pictures-glowing-cat-tinkerbell.jpg

[MadamMack]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his arse.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shite out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his arse.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay and verily unto God!"
And finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


I've heard this one many times Charms and it still cracks me up!

[Rose of Ka]

Hehe... blonde jokes!


A blonde and a brunette fall out of a plane... which one hits the ground first?


The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.



A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins?


The stupid blonde... Because the other two don't exist.





ROFLMAO!

[TBlack]

Be Careful Out There:


IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a newneighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEERCROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are beinghit by cars out here!I don't think this is a good place forthem to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

[Kim L.]

Be Careful Out There:


IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a newneighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEERCROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are beinghit by cars out here!I don't think this is a good place forthem to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

ROFLMAO!! :eek2: I hope these aren't true...

[Cola]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his arse.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shite out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his arse.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay and verily unto God!"
And finally...
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

:rofl:

[Charms7]

A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.

The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go into a restaurant. We've got dogs with us."

"Just follow my lead," assures the other man.

They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.

When he gets inside, the doorman says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."

To which the man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing eye dog."

"A Doberman?" the confused host asks.

"Yes, they're using them now. They're really quite good."

The host shrugs and says, "Come on in."

Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.

The host stops him immediately and says, "Sorry guy, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog," the man replies.

The host says, "Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?"

At which point the man yells, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!?!"

[Charms7]

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on."

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

[smjohn]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing."

The doctor was shocked:
"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied:
"Yep, None of us could open the jar.

:wink2:

[rose key]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right
hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out,
still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit,
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
still nothing."

The doctor was shocked:
"You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied:
"Yep, None of us could open the jar.

:wink2:

:rofl::rofl:

[Anni M]

You 2 are on a roll... :D

[Charms7]

A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

[Charms7]

Redneck Driver's Application
Last name: ________________

First name (check appropriate box):

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

[Charms7]

Actual Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[La Belladonna]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You to Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffe ine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo! Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy".

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk! And see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because you have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. SMILE

:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:

[Anni M]

Three chefs were experimenting with ways to improve the taste of Carp. They found that by mixing herbs and spices with shortening made a big difference. But timing is critical. So, when one of the chefs was called to the phone, he said he couldn't talk, explaining "I left my carp in saffron Crisco".

[Anni M]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out Since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She
listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet
meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye!

[Anni M]

the font was teeny on my last joke...couldn't fix it...sorry :blush:

[Anni M]

heehee


One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to
run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

[Cola]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out Since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She
listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet
meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .


It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says: 'You just happened to catch my eye!

:rofl:

[rose key]

I think I might have posted this on the old message board, but I don't remember, and it's definately worth another read:

Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough with out being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

[Charms7]

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

[Charms7]

Bad Tech Support

1. Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?

2. ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.

3. So -- what are you wearing?

4. Bummer Duuuuuuuude.

5. Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

6. Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

7. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

8. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.

9. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

10. Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!

[EXISTESS]

I think I might have posted this on the old message board, but I don't remember, and it's definately worth another read:

Dear Tide:
.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!
:devil:

[EXISTESS]

Purina Dog Food
The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Charcoal the wonder dog at K-Mart and was about to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I'm a smart ass, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

K-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

:devil:
Ex

[pennta]

how do you sink a german submarine?
swim down and nock on the door............

sorry if i spell something wrong my english is not so god.........

[Charms7]

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor (TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on…

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever regained consciousness and found yourself in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that life is easier when you drink more coffee rather than go to sleep?

5. Have you ever:

a) …drank cold coffee?

b) … drank coffee right out of the pot after it has sat all day?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem" and need professional help?

9. Do you need coffee:

a) ...to get up in the morning?

b) ...to get out of bed?

c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a Coffee Helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American People call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "Swiss Water Decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. Do you have a coffee maker:

a) …in more than one room of your house?

b) ...in more than five?

c) ...in your bathroom?

16. Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee refills?

a) ...because you're wearing out their employees?

b)...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?

20. Do you know Juan Valdez?

a) ...and his donkey?

b) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. Are your eyes unusually large and saucer shaped?

If you answered “yes” to 10 or more of these questions, run (do not walk) to the nearest rehab center and sign up! Tell them to check you for ADD.

http://th116.photobucket.com/albums/o10/walkingrock/th_funnies1.jpg

[rose key]

OMG the tears in my eyes, Charms! (from laughter). I saw myself in that one!

[rose key]

Top 10 Country Songs:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed

My A** Out All Day Long.

[Cowboy]

lmao! got to love those country songs.

[Charms7]

I think I dated the guy that sings those country songs once. Long, long time ago.
http://th108.photobucket.com/albums/n27/kymina2110/th_ROFL_dernfunny.gif

You're too funny, Rose Key!

[Oogway]

" hamburger "

immigrant visits for the first time united states,
he doesn't speak english at all,
he sees mcdonalds and he is hungry,he gets in,
he approaches a kid and he stares the kid's hamburger making sounds, suddenly the kid says the magic word "hamburger"
now it is easy!
he keeps buying and eating only "hamburger" for days, for weeks
one day he thinks he had enough so he approaches a kid that is eating Spaghetti and after getting the magic word he goes for the oder:
immigrant: spaghetti
employee: with ketchup?
immigrant: spaghetti
employee: with ketchup?
immigrant: spaghetti
employee: with ketchup?
immigrant: hamburger

[Kim L.]

Top 10 Country Songs:

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

My favorite!
But don't forget:
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

[MadamMack]

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor (TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on…

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever regained consciousness and found yourself in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that life is easier when you drink more coffee rather than go to sleep?

5. Have you ever:

a) …drank cold coffee?

b) … drank coffee right out of the pot after it has sat all day?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem" and need professional help?

9. Do you need coffee:

a) ...to get up in the morning?

b) ...to get out of bed?

c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a Coffee Helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American People call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "Swiss Water Decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. Do you have a coffee maker:

a) …in more than one room of your house?

b) ...in more than five?

c) ...in your bathroom?

16. Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee refills?

a) ...because you're wearing out their employees?

b)...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?

20. Do you know Juan Valdez?

a) ...and his donkey?

b) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. Are your eyes unusually large and saucer shaped?

If you answered “yes” to 10 or more of these questions, run (do not walk) to the nearest rehab center and sign up! Tell them to check you for ADD.

http://th116.photobucket.com/albums/o10/walkingrock/th_funnies1.jpg

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[MadamMack]

A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.



:rofl:

[La Belladonna]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Moderator]

Got these in an email and don't remember seeing them posted here before so thought I'd pass them along--

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour,
and, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries......

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!!!!

Harry Edsel Smith, of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle, in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.


In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England ,cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.



In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.

[Cowboy]

A teacher was having her class stand up and tell what job their Father did. Everything was going well and as kids spoke of Attorneys helping people in trouble, Firefighters saving lives and Police arresting bad guys.
Little Johnny stood up and told how his Father was a male exotic dancer and took his clothes off for other men and sometimes earned money with those men in the alley after the show.
The teacher was appalled and stopped little Johnny from saying anything else while she had the class work on an assignment.
She took little Johnny in the hall and asked why he said something like that...

"Because I didn't want the class to know that my Father was on the coaching staff for the Miami Dolphins".

*No offense intended to Male Exotic Dancers on this thread.

[Kim L.]

Got these in an email and don't remember seeing them posted here before so thought I'd pass them along--

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour,
and, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries......

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!!!!

Harry Edsel Smith, of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.


On the grave of Ezekial Aikle, in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.


In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England ,cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.



In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.

:rofl: These are great!

[Kim L.]

A teacher was having her class stand up and tell what job their Father did. Everything was going well and as kids spoke of Attorneys helping people in trouble, Firefighters saving lives and Police arresting bad guys.
Little Johnny stood up and told how his Father was a male exotic dancer and took his clothes off for other men and sometimes earned money with those men in the alley after the show.
The teacher was appalled and stopped little Johnny from saying anything else while she had the class work on an assignment.
She took little Johnny in the hall and asked why he said something like that...

"Because I didn't want the class to know that my Father was on the coaching staff for the Miami Dolphins".

*No offense intended to Male Exotic Dancers on this thread.

HAHAHAHAHA!! (And double for the Dallas Cowboys)

[Anni M]

Caffeine Addict's Quiz:

Do you want to know if you suffer from "Alertness Deficit Disorder" (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn't scare you, let's just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor (TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on…

1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems?

2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it's easier?

3. Have you ever regained consciousness and found yourself in a puddle of your own coffee?

4. Do you find that life is easier when you drink more coffee rather than go to sleep?

5. Have you ever:

a) …drank cold coffee?

b) … drank coffee right out of the pot after it has sat all day?

6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products?

7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein?

8. Has anyone ever told you that you "have a problem" and need professional help?

9. Do you need coffee:

a) ...to get up in the morning?

b) ...to get out of bed?

c) ...to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?

10. Do you own a "Coffee Helmet"? (For the culturally ignorant, a Coffee Helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)

11. Do Native North American People call you "Ona mac towanda" (Smells-like-coffee)?

12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?

13. Have you ever sold personal or other people's possessions just to get your fix for the day?

14. Does the phrase "Swiss Water Decaffeinated" strike terror into your heart?

15. Do you have a coffee maker:

a) …in more than one room of your house?

b) ...in more than five?

c) ...in your bathroom?

16. Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee refills?

a) ...because you're wearing out their employees?

b)...and it's bad for the environment?

17. Do you grind your own coffee?

18. Do you grow your own coffee?

19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you're "drinking their profits"?

20. Do you know Juan Valdez?

a) ...and his donkey?

b) ...intimately?

21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?

22. Are your eyes unusually large and saucer shaped?

If you answered “yes” to 10 or more of these questions, run (do not walk) to the nearest rehab center and sign up! Tell them to check you for ADD.



http://th116.photobucket.com/albums/o10/walkingrock/th_funnies1.jpg

I think I pee'd myself, Charms :eek2:

:rofl:

[EXISTESS]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex
with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explain ed the situation.
Her boyfriend say's, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed


:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

VERY FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER


Hollywood Squares:


If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from
the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host
asking the questions, of course..

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should d o it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's
married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older , do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into
the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

:devil:
Ex


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in
bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Patricia A]

http://www.linkydinky.com/
There's always amusing stuff in Linky & Dinky. Some of the sites that it links into are a little irreverent, those are just the best bits. It doesn't link into free porn sites so don't waste your time... um well, I had to check didn't I? :wink2:

[Spideyman]

Seven degrees of blonde

FIRST DEGREE:

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from he re!" and hung up.



The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."


The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-., _,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-

THIRD DEGREE:

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.


The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

FOURTH DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

FIFTH DEGREE:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`? * :- ,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-

SIXTH DEGREE:

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about..

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*: -.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SEVENTH DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a bl onde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen . I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Charms7]

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f58/babylei17/icons/FUNNY-3.jpg

[Patricia A]

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f58/babylei17/icons/FUNNY-3.jpg

:rofl:

[Cola]

:rofl:

[Anni M]

Seven degrees of blonde

FIRST DEGREE:

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from he re!" and hung up.



The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."


The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!"


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-., _,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-

THIRD DEGREE:

A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head.


The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

FOURTH DEGREE:

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

FIFTH DEGREE:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`? * :- ,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-

SIXTH DEGREE:

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about..

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware "

`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*: -.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SEVENTH DEGREE:

Returning home from work, a bl onde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen . I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."


whooo boy...Auntie Anna needs to see this! :biggrin2:

[wennjoe93]

whats the cheapest meat?......deer balls they are under a buck. I know its corny but it still makes me laugh.:biggrin2:

[Cola]

whats the cheapest meat?......deer balls they are under a buck. I know its corny but it still makes me laugh.:biggrin2:

:D :rofl:

[Cowboy]

whats the cheapest meat?......deer balls they are under a buck. I know its corny but it still makes me laugh.:biggrin2:

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif

[Cowboy]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[Charms7]

http://th221.photobucket.com/albums/dd153/palmsmom/th_icons.png

http://th93.photobucket.com/albums/l51/merrimag/th_Laughing2.gif

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2224/2234049297_1e2c39c295.jpg

Flushing Nemo LOL :D

[Patricia A]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETs7fuJWtVs
You have got to check this out. :laugh::love::laugh:

[Cowboy]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2224/2234049297_1e2c39c295.jpg

Flushing Nemo LOL :D

I'm not finding Nemo!!!!

[Cowboy]

If guns kill people, then spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat!

[Cowboy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETs7fuJWtVs
You have got to check this out. :laugh::love::laugh:

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif

That was too funny!

[Charms7]

An office dilemma.

An office manager had money problems & found it necessary to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

So the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate lunch at their desk.

The manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed until after closing. Jill finally went to get her coat. The manager thought he would simply be honest and ask her advice.

He went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off - I'm late for my bus."

[Anni M]

whats the cheapest meat?......deer balls they are under a buck. I know its corny but it still makes me laugh.:biggrin2:

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif

omg, too funny!

[mstay]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETs7fuJWtVs
You have got to check this out. :laugh::love::laugh:

Too funny! :biggrin2:

[Charms7]

Finagling:

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's Laws:
1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory.
5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle's Rules:
1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.
3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

[rose key]

We are in trouble...


The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[TBlack]

Poor Bob

Doctors Never Laugh


...the Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to
struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.

[motherwolf]

:cool2::biggrin2::love:
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/5.gif

That was too funny! Now that is an adorable little Monster Slayer!!!!!!! Good choice "P."!!!

[Anni M]

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,




"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.




She's such a bitch.

[rose key]

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,




"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."


So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.




She's such a bitch.

:rofl:

[Charms7]

TBlack, Rose Key, Patricia A, Anni M, Cowboy!

You Folks Are Too Funny!

[Charms7]

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

[Anni M]

:rofl: CHARMS!

[Patricia A]

TBlack, Rose Key, Patricia A, Anni M, Cowboy!

You Folks Are Too Funny!

:love:

[mojomofo]

What do you call a bear with no teeth- A gummy bear.

What did the fat man spell to the refrigerator- OICURMT.

[Patricia A]

What do you call a bear with no teeth- A gummy bear.

What did the fat man spell to the refrigerator- OICURMT.

:eek2: OICU812 :eek2:

[Born In Sin]

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?


Ready?


A little horse!

[motherwolf]

:cool2::biggrin2:[QUOTE=Anni M;113715]Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,




"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." Good one Annie!!!( touch MY computer or bottles and IT'S ON!!!!) AAANNNNIIIIEEEE!!!!! You haven't been in the Cantina!!!! How'm I spos'ed to thump my tail for you if your not there!?!?!? Just kidding! Just wanted to say 'Hey!!!'

[dixztim]

OK, to Keep the Jokes going...
Two guys walk into a bar,
The third ducks

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

AA Classic:

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!'
Deep breath... 'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'
and it did...' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? :eek2:

[Cowboy]

A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

[Cowboy]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg

AA Classic:

Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!'
Deep breath... 'What did you call it?'
'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!'
and it did...' A f r i c a n Elephant '
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? :eek2:

ha ha ha ha ha......kids are so smart!

[Anni M]

:cool2::biggrin2:[quote=Anni M;113715]Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her,




"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." Good one Annie!!!( touch MY computer or bottles and IT'S ON!!!!)
AAANNNNIIIIEEEE!!!!! You haven't been in the Cantina!!!! How'm I spos'ed to thump my tail for you if your not there!?!?!? Just kidding! Just wanted to say 'Hey!!!'

Hey Back, motherwolf!!!!! Know what??? I jumped in to your and Kim's Tom Petty comments in halftime for a little visit...
Ya know what? I haven't visited the cantina lately. Thank you, MW...I shall make my manners! :biggrin2:
my bad... :blush:

[Matticus]

The "anniversary fart story" elsewhere on the board reminded me of a joke.

Old couple in the bed--the old man farts loud and smiles at his wife.

She bunches up her face and rips one that puts him to shame.

They went back and forth but she was clearly winning

Well, the old man couldn't have that so he screwed up his body and courage and ripped it with everything he had, promptly shitting the bed (hope that's okay)

When his wife asked if he was okay--he said...

"half time, switch sides"

[wennjoe93]

ok here goes another blonde joke.... why did the blonde have a sore bellybutton? he boyfriend was blonde too!! i know corny, but i still get a chuckle...

[garykingfan]

new joke here fans:

two identical women jump from the empire state building. one is blonde the other is brunette, who hits the ground first?



A:the brunette......... the blond has to keep stopping for directions!!! hahahahahahaha

[Maddie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETs7fuJWtVs
You have got to check this out. :laugh::love::laugh:



shes sooo cuteeee!!!!! ADORABLE! :love:

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/hillaryclintonbf9.jpg

[Patricia A]

http://i221.photobucket.com/albums/dd53/Julioski/mittromney.gif
All in good fun and in the name of equal time. LOL :biggrin2:

[Charms7]

Three mice are sitting at a bar bullshitting about which one is the toughest, most hardcore, macho mouse.

The first mouse does a shot, slams the glass on the bar and says, "I set off mouse traps just for fun. I grab the cheese and when the bar comes down, I benchpress 50 or 60 reps before I take my loot home." He slams another shot.

The second mouse downs a shot and says, "That's nothing, bro. I eat those rodent-poison tablets like candy. I can chow a whole box of Decon without even farting." He slams another shot.

The third mouse downs a shot and walks away from the bar. "Where ya going, ya wimp?" the other mice chortle.

The third mouse shrugs. "I'm going home to mount the cat."

http://th110.photobucket.com/albums/n114/fiesophia/th_panic.jpg

[mstay]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/hillaryclintonbf9.jpg

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[bookworm101]

LIVER & CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in wit, is a Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....Liver alone Cheese mine.


hardy har har.

[Patricia A]

Two women are in a clinic waiting room. They are both great with child. The first woman says to the second one, "do you see this 2 carat diamond ring here on my finger? My husband bought it for me in my first trimester. He's so happy we're going to have our first child." The second woman smiles and says, "Oh, How nice!" and goes back to looking at her magazine. The first woman taps the second one and says "look out there, in the parking lot, do you see the red Mercedes, well he bought me that in my second trimester, he is sooo in love with me." The second woman looks out the window and keeps trying to smile and says, "oh, how nice." only a few moments pass when the first woman says "and you know what else, we're going to Hawaii as soon as I'm able after the baby's born, at which time I am going to get a whole new wardrobe! Yay for me" The second woman nods and says, "Oh, How nice." not more than 30 seconds pass when the first woman pipes up again and asks, "So what did your husband get for you to celebrate your pregnancy?" "Well" the second woman says, "I have a tendency to swear a lot and I'm struggling to stop before the baby gets here, so he taught me a technique. Instead of saying F***- Off I just say... Oh, How nice.:eek2:

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
AAClassique`


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'
'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest da of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
_________________________________

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

_________________________________

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
_______________________________________

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if You had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
______________________________________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

___________________________________

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

[Cowboy]

Two women are in a clinic waiting room. They are both great with child. The first woman says to the second one, "do you see this 2 carat diamond ring here on my finger? My husband bought it for me in my first trimester. He's so happy we're going to have our first child." The second woman smiles and says, "Oh, How nice!" and goes back to looking at her magazine. The first woman taps the second one and says "look out there, in the parking lot, do you see the red Mercedes, well he bought me that in my second trimester, he is sooo in love with me." The second woman looks out the window and keeps trying to smile and says, "oh, how nice." only a few moments pass when the first woman says "and you know what else, we're going to Hawaii as soon as I'm able after the baby's born, at which time I am going to get a whole new wardrobe! Yay for me" The second woman nods and says, "Oh, How nice." not more than 30 seconds pass when the first woman pipes up again and asks, "So what did your husband get for you to celebrate your pregnancy?" "Well" the second woman says, "I have a tendency to swear a lot and I'm struggling to stop before the baby gets here, so he taught me a technique. Instead of saying F***- Off I just say... Oh, How nice.:eek2:

Good one Patricia!!!!!:biggrin2:

[Charms7]

Bravo Patricia A, bookworm101, Cowboy and Anni M! Bravo! I'm ROFLMAO!

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/buns.gif

[mstay]

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

:biggrin2: I really like this one Anni M. :rofl:

[Cola]

:rofl:

[rose key]

I don't know if this was posted before, but i got real belly laugh when I re-read this one:

The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil. You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Janie who was her friend sitting behind her, took her pencil and jabbed Mary in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Janie came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Janie came to the rescue.


This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.

[Cowboy]

I don't know if this was posted before, but i got real belly laugh when I re-read this one:

The #2 pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil. You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Janie who was her friend sitting behind her, took her pencil and jabbed Mary in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Janie came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Janie came to the rescue.


This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/9.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/lol/9.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/lol/9.gif

[Cowboy]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

[Spideyman]

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."




Payback!:smile2:

[Charms7]

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls: worst way to wake up. The phone rings; it's loud; you can't turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me, and it just rings kind of quiet, and you hear a guy yell, "What are your calling me for???" Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.
~ Garry Shandling

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/library-3.jpg
Do guys that say things like that ever actually get laid?

[Patricia A]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP-84G6PqYE
An end joke from the Vicar of Dibley. :laugh:

[Charms7]

25 Things Cat Lovers Know

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

[Charms7]

40 Fun things to do in an elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!'

2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

3. Sell life insurance.

4. On a long ride, sway side to side and wave your arms.

5. Do the "potty dance."

6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.

12. Do Tai Chi exercises.

13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now! Damn motion sickness!'

15. Meow occasionally.

18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'Dammit!'

19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.

21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

22. Leave a squeeky toy between the doors.

23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.

25. Start a sing-along.

26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'Is that your phone?'

27. Play the harmonica.

28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

29. Lean against the button panel.

30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

33. Bring a chair along.

34. Blow spit bubbles.

35. Pull your gum out of your ear in long strings.

36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

38. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting longer.'

40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'

[Cowboy]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/library-3.jpg
Do guys that say things like that ever actually get laid?

That's my favorite line....is there something wrong with that? Is that frowned upon here?


:biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

25 Things Cat Lovers Know

Here is a list of 25 things that cat-lovers know, but won't admit.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

- Dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- A cat's motto is no matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- A cat bites the hand that won't feed it fast enough.

- Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

- Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

- Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

- Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

- I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

- In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

- On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

- One cat just leads to another.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. It's all true, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

- When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

- You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

=^^= :y:

[EXISTESS]

Investment tips for 2008~ For all of you with any money left, be aware of
the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
R.Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5 . FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

1. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere.



2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.



3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?

Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.



4. Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.



5. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?

It isn't hard.



6. How can you make your wife mad while making love?

Call her from your cell phone.



7. What does the (too un PC) bride get that's long and hard on her wedding night?

His last name.



8. What's the down side to a threesome?

You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.



9. How do you know you're really ugly?

Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.



10. Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car.

:devil:

[EXISTESS]

STUD ROOSTER







A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.
"He's a funeral director,' she answered "Interesting," the newsman
thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 8 0's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."
:devil:
Ex

[Cowboy]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Charms7]

Purrrtricia, glad you liked them.

Ex, you're on another roll! I love them!

Cowboy, nice one! And ummm, Cowboy, that line (about the library card) doesn't work in Texas. http://th263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/dlanor08/th_Smiley.jpg

[Cowboy]

STUD ROOSTER






A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month.'
:devil:
Ex
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/1.gif

[Cowboy]

Purrrtricia, glad you liked them.

Ex, you're on another roll! I love them!

Cowboy, nice one! And ummm, Cowboy, that line (about the library card) doesn't work in Texas. http://th263.photobucket.com/albums/ii147/dlanor08/th_Smiley.jpg

It don't work in Texas? I will have to come up with another one I guess, how about, "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone but I can make your Bed-rock."

or,

"Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

Surely one of those will work on a woman from Texas.

[Charms7]

Living with the girlfriend

One night, this guy is invited out for a night with the guys. He promised his live-in girlfriend that he would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down smooth, and before he knew it, it was 2:30 a.m. Drunk as a skunk, he headed for home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, he realized that she'd probably wake up, so he was quite proud of himself when he thought to cuckoo nine more times. Even in his drunken haze, he fell asleep smiling about how he had escaped a possible conflict.

The next morning, his girlfriend asked him what time he got in, and he replied, "Twelve." She didn't seem disturbed at all, which made the guy feel even better.

She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.

"Why is that?" he asked.

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[brownmouse]

We've switched to stainless steel to see the reflections of our husband's as THEY do the dishes.

[mstay]

Just FYI - On Monday the History Channel will be showing a show titled "History of the Joke". Might be interesting.

[brownmouse]

That was supposed to be attached to;
Why do woman wear white on their wedding day-
To match their kitchen appliances.

and then I replied:

That's why we switched to stainless steel-to watch our husband's reflections as THEY do the cooking.


I'm new-still learning

[Charms7]

It don't work in Texas? I will have to come up with another one I guess, how about, "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone but I can make your Bed-rock."

or,

"Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

Surely one of those will work on a woman from Texas.

Those are almost as ineffective as "'Scuse me, ma'm, but did I leave my boots under your bed?" The foregoing must be said with a forward thrust of hips and hands in order to be truly laughable, er, believable.

[Kim L.]

Living with the girlfriend


"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, said "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

:rofl:

[Patricia A]

It don't work in Texas? I will have to come up with another one I guess, how about, "Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone but I can make your Bed-rock."

or,

"Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

Surely one of those will work on a woman from Texas.
Nope,sorry! :laugh::laugh: Keep trying though 'cause it's funny.

[Charms7]

To a Cop

Here are 20 things that you should never say to a cop:

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Hey! Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

17. You must have been doing 125 MPH to keep up with me! Good job.

16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. No donut for you!

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. No, Ossifer. I dron't dink!

11. Hey! Didn't I see you on 'Cops'?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they cannot get a job at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary, dammit!

8. So uh, you on the take or what? Here's a little some'm some'm for your trouble.

7. Gee Officer, can't you just give me a warning just like the last cop did?

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around. That's how far behind them I am!

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? Are you so dumb you can't tell?

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of heroin, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 Magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

[Cowboy]

Nope,sorry! :laugh::laugh: Keep trying though 'cause it's funny.

Alright Patricia....would these work on you???

Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

:biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

Alright Patricia....would these work on you???

Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

:biggrin2:
The first one might, but the second one.... ummm not so much. I don't wear shiny britches! :rofl:...ROFLMAO

[Dr. Fudd]

I think we need a new thread: Lame pick up lines.

[Tamitha]

Alright Patricia....would these work on you???

Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. What? (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

:biggrin2:


LMAO!!! :rofl:Cowboy...Dear...:rofl:ROFL!! What is up with you!! LOL The first ones were better. Your going down hill.:biggrin2:

[Cola]

:rofl:

[Cowboy]

The first one might, but the second one.... ummm not so much. I don't wear shiny britches! :rofl:...ROFLMAO


Wow...tough crowd! I will keep trying....:biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

LMAO!!! :rofl:Cowboy...Dear...:rofl:ROFL!! What is up with you!! LOL The first ones were better. Your going down hill.:biggrin2:

I threw my best out there too soon, if I don't have a woman hooked after those stellar lines, I'm pretty much on my own at that point.
One more try though...Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?:eyebrow:

[Cowboy]

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. "Hey there, you wouldn't happen to have a phone would you?" the guy said, still thinking about the pig.

"Nope, no phones 'round these parts." The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. "Well, I guess...ya can stay here for 'da night. 'Dat is if you likes."

Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. "I just have one question, what happened to that pig?" asked the man. "Well,..he been in a fire not 'dat longs ago. Rescued all 'da childrens too. Yep, 'dat be one fine pig."said the farmer. "Well, how'd he get like that? Did the leg get burnt....or what?" asked the man. "Nope, he didn' get hurt." "Then what happened to his leg?" the man asked getting more & more impatient.

"Well," the farmer said annoyed "everybody knows 'dat you don't eat a pig like 'dat in one sittin".

[Tamitha]

I threw my best out there too soon, if I don't have a woman hooked after those stellar lines, I'm pretty much on my own at that point.
One more try though...Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?:eyebrow:

ummm. No. come on now think!

Here's a corny one but it worked on me once before..(I had a few drinks in me at the time) but annnyway... "Did it hurt?...(pause and wait for the "Huh?")...When you fell from heaven.":glare:

[Cowboy]

Okay Patricia and Tamitha....how bout this one. "Do you work for UPS?, cause I could have swore I saw you checking out my package".

[Tamitha]

Okay Patricia and Tamitha....how bout this one. "Do you work for UPS?, cause I could have swore I saw you checking out my package".
Good one!! :wink2:

[Cowboy]

Good one!! :wink2:

You liked that one?!?! Have you subscribed to the thread about being warped yet? You might want to check it out. :biggrin2:

[Matticus]

"If I told you how beautiful you were every time it came to mind, it would be all I ever said"

[Dr. Fudd]

" hamburger "

immigrant visits for the first time united states,
he doesn't speak english at all,
he sees mcdonalds and he is hungry,he gets in,
he approaches a kid and he stares the kid's hamburger making sounds, suddenly the kid says the magic word "hamburger"
now it is easy!
he keeps buying and eating only "hamburger" for days, for weeks
one day he thinks he had enough so he approaches a kid that is eating Spaghetti and after getting the magic word he goes for the oder:
immigrant: spaghetti
employee: with ketchup?
immigrant: spaghetti
employee: with ketchup?
immigrant: spaghetti
employee: with ketchup?
immigrant: hamburger

Is it just me or did this joke lose something in the translation?

[smjohn]

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

[Cowboy]

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[Charms7]

A Driving School Test
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she’s cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

[Charms7]

Save The Dead Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, “What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[Tamitha]

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

You wave at her!!

[Cowboy]

How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

You wave at her!!

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/16.gif

[Cowboy]

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gif
good ones Charms!

[Cowboy]

Will Hillary be representing the Democratic ticket?
http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/hillary.jpg

[Moderator]

We'll see, but I'd be okay with a politician who resembles a horse rather than one who acts like a horse's a**.

[Tamitha]

Will Hillary be representing the Democratic ticket?








http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/hillary.jpg[/quote]


[/quote]


OMG!!http://th63.photobucket.com/albums/h128/petesarah/Smilies/th_emo88.gif (http://photobucket.com/mediadetail/?media=http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h128/petesarah/Smilies/emo88.gif&searchTerm=laughing%20smilies&pageOffset=6)




Those pictures are killing me!!

[JohnDalglish]

We'll see, but I'd be okay with a politician who resembles a horse rather than one who acts like a horse's a**.

Hi,

Very true, Ms Mod, but they're like hen's teeth over here.

Especially once they're in office.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Anni M]

We'll see, but I'd be okay with a politician who resembles a horse rather than one who acts like a horse's a**.
yup, yup, yup... :glare:

[SKfan2006]

i thoght this one up on valentines
what do you get if you put hersey's chocolate in the microwave?
a hot kiss

there is a girl named Clair Voyent. what is her job?
a clairvoyent or a doctor.

[Charms7]

Computer Jokes - How to Unsubscribe From an Email List
First, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit. Then follow the directions.

The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large 'X' outlet hose. Twist the silver-colored ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock.

The kit is now ready for use.

The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button. The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self-adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position.

You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator. If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control panel.

To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally. The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container.

If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings: low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested. After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind you.

[Charms7]

You're on a roll, Cowboy!
http://th102.photobucket.com/albums/m108/Marynappier/th_laughing.gif

[Cowboy]

We'll see, but I'd be okay with a politician who resembles a horse rather than one who acts like a horse's a**.

ha ha ha....good one Ms. Mod!:biggrin2:

[smjohn]

[/quote]


OMG!!http://th63.photobucket.com/albums/h128/petesarah/Smilies/th_emo88.gif (http://photobucket.com/mediadetail/?media=http://i63.photobucket.com/albums/h128/petesarah/Smilies/emo88.gif&searchTerm=laughing%20smilies&pageOffset=6)




Those pictures are killing me!! [/QUOTE]

LOL...I have one of these, only it shows the horse's butt and Hilary's face:)

[Patricia A]

http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k88/Duke_S/McCain_Chimpy_150.jpg
Since we're going there... to the political zoo that is, look who's representing the republican party LOL.

[Kim L.]

We'll see, but I'd be okay with a politician who resembles a horse rather than one who acts like a horse's a**.

Hear! Hear!

[Kim L.]

Hi,

Very true, Ms Mod, but they're like hen's teeth over here.

Especially once they're in office.

Long days and pleasant nights

Horse's a$$es are like hen's teeth?

[EXISTESS]

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every man has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

I think we need a new thread: Lame pick up lines.

(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Oh, Doctor, will these do?
:devil:
Ex

[JohnDalglish]

Horse's a$$es are like hen's teeth?


Hi,

Politicians who are not horses a$$es are as rare as ...oh, right, Kim.

Thankee EX, EXcellent!

Long days and pleasant nights

[Cowboy]

http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k88/Duke_S/McCain_Chimpy_150.jpg
Since we're going there... to the political zoo that is, look who's representing the republican party LOL.

Monkeys are funny.....:biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

(Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! D'ya wanna do lunch?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

Oh, Doctor, will these do?
:devil:
Ex

Wow....I thnk I'm blushing!!! :blush:

[smjohn]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

[Cowboy]

Three Nuns

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

[smjohn]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe one and
a half years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one
of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the
evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when
I brought Daddy a little cup of ' tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring
him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup
of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it
ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
:wink2:

[Anni M]

Horse's a$$es are like hen's teeth?

:rofl:

[Cowboy]

Good stuff smjohn!!!:biggrin2:

[smjohn]

Good stuff smjohn!!!:biggrin2:

Thanks:) I wish I could say they just come to me....unfortunately, it's by email.

[smjohn]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did
you see me rob the bank?

The hostage answered "Yes," so the robber shot him.

He then asked the second hostage, *Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

(Oooh, burn)

[Anni M]

Three Nuns

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

this was snortworthy indeed!

[Anni M]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did
you see me rob the bank?

The hostage answered "Yes," so the robber shot him.

He then asked the second hostage, *Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

(Oooh, burn)


Be they emails or not, I'm LMAO here! :grinning: :laugh: Good one!

[Cowboy]

I took some of my "action figures" out to play today....

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/NewImage.jpg

[Tamitha]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did
you see me rob the bank?

The hostage answered "Yes," so the robber shot him.

He then asked the second hostage, *Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

(Oooh, burn)

:biggrin2:Now that's a good one!:biggrin2:

[Cola]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage, "Did
you see me rob the bank?

The hostage answered "Yes," so the robber shot him.

He then asked the second hostage, *Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

(Oooh, burn)

:rofl:

[koigirl31]

Off the coast there are two whales swimming around and enjoying the day. The boy whale breaches the surface to take a breath and notices a whaling ship in the process of killing a fellow whale. Upset the boy whale says to the girl whale “listen to me I have a plan” he whispers it into the girl whales ear and then they dive down as deep as they can go. Then in a sudden burst they swim very fast towards the surface and blow all the air out of their blow holes underneath the ship causing it to capsize. Both whales are ecstatic, and then moments later the boy whale notices the crew of the sunken ship swimming towards shore. He devises a new plan and shares it with the girl whale to which she replies ....:eek2:“I was with you on the blow-job, but I am not eating the seamen.”

[Cowboy]

Off the coast there are two whales swimming around and enjoying the day. The boy whale breaches the surface to take a breath and notices a whaling ship in the process of killing a fellow whale. Upset the boy whale says to the girl whale “listen to me I have a plan” he whispers it into the girl whales ear and then they dive down as deep as they can go. Then in a sudden burst they swim very fast towards the surface and blow all the air out of their blow holes underneath the ship causing it to capsize. Both whales are ecstatic, and then moments later the boy whale notices the crew of the sunken ship swimming towards shore. He devises a new plan and shares it with the girl whale to which she replies ....:eek2:“I was with you on the blow-job, but I am not eating the seamen.”

http://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gif http://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gif http://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gif

[Cowboy]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Gallina]

I took some of my "action figures" out to play today....

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/NewImage.jpg

What's the name of the game?:biggrin2:

[Anni M]

I took some of my "action figures" out to play today....



http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/NewImage.jpg

ummmmmmm, do you do this a lot? :eek2:

:tongue:

[Anni M]

An http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg Auntie Anna Special:


A suburban Jewish congregation honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman in the bed.

She greets the rabbi with, "Hi, rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the temple arranged for you.

The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the president of the temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

[Anni M]

shes sooo cuteeee!!!!! ADORABLE! :love:

I know, isn't she sweet? And I love that bob hair cut on little girls. Shows off their big eyes! :love:



Little off topic here...Hi AR! :biggrin2:

[Kim L.]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Cowboy]

An http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg Auntie Anna Special:


A suburban Jewish congregation honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman in the bed.

She greets the rabbi with, "Hi, rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the temple arranged for you.

The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the president of the temple and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."


ha ha ha....:biggrin2:

[Patricia A]

A clown walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel in the front of his pants,
the bartender asks him, 'why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?' the clown answered, 'because it drives me nuts!'

[Anni M]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2107/2121198313_66efa49838.jpg
Auntie Anna Classique`

Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.'

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr Smith no longer thinks the little sh1t is adorable.

[EXISTESS]

Two women were playing golf. (joke 4 Mod)

One teed off and watched in horror as herball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands togetherat his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I couldrelieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands togetherat his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does thatfeel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

Definitions Not in Dictionary




CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.


CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines.



:devil:
Ex

[EXISTESS]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees."I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong.The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

:devil:
Ex

[garykingfan]

two nuns are driving down the road when satan himself :devil:jumps from a manhole and cries, "sisters of god today you shall fall from grace" The nun in the passenger seat turns the driver and cries :eek:"quick sister, show him your cross!" at which the driver rolls down her window and shouts:grr: "GET OUT THE WAY YOU FUC*ING IDIOT":grinning:

[Cowboy]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees."I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."Confused, the father asked what was wrong.The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

:devil:
Ex

ha ha ha ha....:biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

A large group of people are gathered at the gates of heaven. God asks all the women to line up in one line.
Then he asks all the men who are henpecked to line up in a line.
Then he asks that those men who were the master of their household line up in a line.
Only one man lined up in this last line. God sent the women into the kingdom then he looked at the large line of henpecked men and shaking his head said "Only one man out of all of you was the master of his household?" Then God asked that one man to tell the other men why he was in that line..."Because my wife told me to stand here."

[Gwenivere]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

No?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either

[Cowboy]

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

No?

Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either
http://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/lol/20.gif

[smjohn]

A large group of people are gathered at the gates of heaven. God asks all the women to line up in one line.
Then he asks all the men who are henpecked to line up in a line.
Then he asks that those men who were the master of their household line up in a line.
Only one man lined up in this last line. God sent the women into the kingdom then he looked at the large line of henpecked men and shaking his head said "Only one man out of all of you was the master of his household?" Then God asked that one man to tell the other men why he was in that line..."Because my wife told me to stand here."

:laugh::rofl:

[mulder1079]

why don't women need a driver's license?
There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.


how do you turn a dishwasher into a lawnmower?
slap that b**** and tell her to go mow the lawn.

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/homelandsecurity.jpg

[Cowboy]

http://i161.photobucket.com/albums/t218/cowboybum/hunter.jpg

[Cowboy]

Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

[Patricia A]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/Funny-4.jpg

[Anni M]

http://i200.photobucket.com/albums/aa219/plcarmstrong/Funny-4.jpg

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! :biggrin2:

[Cowboy]

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! :biggrin2:

ha ha ha......That was as funny as the picture!:biggrin2:

[Anni M]

A large group of people are gathered at the gates of heaven. God asks all the women to line up in one line.
Then he asks all the men who are henpecked to line up in a line.
Then he asks that those men who were the master of their household line up in a line.
Only one man lined up in this last line. God sent the women into the kingdom then he looked at the large line of henpecked men and shaking his head said "Only one man out of all of you was the master of his household?" Then God asked that one man to tell the other men why he was in that line..."Because my wife told me to stand here."
BWAHHAHAHAHAHA...loved it! :biggrin2:

[Dark Tower]

ha ha ha......That was as funny as the picture!:biggrin2:

:rofl:..........that's all I can come up with because it's HI-LARIOUS

[mstay]

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? "These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.

We just got off Route 127."

[TBlack]

"The Break In"

A man breaks into a house to look for money and
guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of
bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the
bed the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over
to his wife: "Listen,
this guy has probably spent a lot of time in
jail and hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he
wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain..do whatever he tells you. This
guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. "I
love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're
hot, and asked if we have
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey.
"I love you, too."