The 28th Annual SKMB Worst Simile Competition

[Bryan James]

RULES AND PRIZES: Ain't no prizes or rules...just floor us with your worst (or best) similes.

PARTICIPANTS: Anyone with an IQ of 2 or above.

SAMPLE: I was as lonely as a forgotten pair of underwear filled with rancid conch chowder at sunrise.

[Doc Wilson]

harder than chinese arithmetic
too poor to pay attention,
cooler than the other side of the pillow
happy as a puppy with two peters.

[bopropadop]

My grandfather's old favorite...

I'm busier than a one-legged man in an a$$ kicking contest.

[bopropadop]

Busier than a one-armed man hanging wallpaper.

[bopropadop]

Went through me faster than a greased up goose.

er... maybe that should be in the Blockage Billy thread...

[frisbee]

"It was as flat as a slow squirrel on I95" - Terry Bradshaw It's Only A Game

[~Ally~]

PARTICIPANTS: Anyone with an IQ of 2 or above.

That rules me out then!
Jeez I just can't get a break lately.

[frisbee]

I'm busier than a one legged man in a butt-kicking contest.....

[Bryan James]

As friendly as a forgotten pancreas on a paved Texas backroad in July.

[LadyPain]

Up and down more often than a hooker's panties on nickel day....

[frisbee]

LadyPain - OMG....ROFL!!!

[Srbo]

I`m no good at these.
So, I`ll join Ally and just go for a nice glass of wine, you guys can keep competing `till hell freezes over.

[hossenpepper]

Slicker than catsh!t on a wet welcome mat!

Sweating like a whore in church!

(After eating) Fuller than a tick on a dog's ass!

Running like sh!t through a goose!


I have many more of these gems....

[Charms7]

Dumber than a box of rocks.

Meaner than a rattlesnake with hemorrhoids.

Scarcer than hen's teeth.

[Bryan James]

As regal as an old toucan nibbling on a dying donkey.

As pert as your mother's tits before your father and gravity ravaged them.

(Sorry about the last, when my fingers yammer things out on the keyboard, my brain doesn't much intercede.)

[~Ally~]

I`m no good at these.
So, I`ll join Ally and just go for a nice glass of wine, you guys can keep competing `till hell freezes over.

A nice glass of wine sounds perfect to me.
I could definitely use one...or three!

[RandomMan]

one of my favorites...

that guys crazy......CRAZY like a FOX !!!

[RandomMan]

that chinese buffet had me sh!t'en like a pet coon!!!

[GNTLGNT]

Dumber than a felt boot...
Too stupid to pour pi**out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the bottom...
A couple of ants short of a picnic...
A four star, fur-lined, ocean going freakin' disaster...
Colder than a well-diggers a**...
Stinks so bad, it'd knock a buzzard off a gut wagon...(Oh I am a machine-watch me slay the King's English)
So hungry I could eat the a** end off a bald headed monkey(with or without cymbals)...
(This one's for Mr. James)As high as a squirrel on crack dancing through a meth lab while juggling rutabagas...
And my personal favorite, Nuttier than a sh**house mouse....

[arista]

Colder than witches tit in a brass bra.

[PatInTheHat]

Well, I like to think if I was just a little smarter, my IQ could quite possibly be hovering close to ambient room temperature:eyebrow:!

Why it's been said, I'm more pecker headed than a box full of hammers, and if I was any more stubborn, I could put a mule train out to pasture.
(Ohhhh Ssssmack! do get double points for that one?....let's see, that's plus two, times aught, carry the one, then divided by 68 degrees...:oo: :eek2: :down:)

[Moderator]

That's so gross it would gag a maggot.

[Haunted]

A nice glass of wine sounds perfect to me.
I could definitely use one...or three!

Hey, Hey, pass the Chablis.

[frisbee]

I could say that some of these posts are not similes but mixed metaphors. But then I'd just be beating a dead horse to water.....

[Haunted]

That's so gross it would gag a maggot.



Pardon me, M'am, is that a comment on the present offerings or a submission of your own? Heck... either way works well for me!

[PatInTheHat]

That's so gross it would gag a maggot.
:oh:
Gee whiz, it really wasn't that bad was it:eyebrow:...but I can certainly try harder..like a dried out wino in a paper bag factory.
(:dunno: yeah, I don't know what that means either:blush:)

[Moderator]

A little of both, Haunted. :laugh: gntlgnt's last post made me think of the maggot gem.

And I do believe that you are correct, frisbee, a simile would be a comparison of one thing to another and most often has the word as in the phrasing.

[Moderator]

:oh:
Gee whiz, it really wasn't that bad was it:eyebrow:...but I can certainly try harder..like a dried out wino in a paper bag factory.
(:dunno: yeah, I don't know what that means either:blush:)

Sorry, PITH, I forgot to use the quotes for my response to gntlgnt and Haunted. :smile2:

[hossenpepper]

The word "like" is also sign of simile. I learned at some point it is simile if the word "like" or "as" could be substituted without altering the basic meaning of the sentence.

Example: Slicker than gopher guts in olive oil could be Slick as gopher guts in olive oil

I made that one up, thanks... :cool2:

[GGBaby]

I think this falls under the "worst" category....LOL.

The man was as funny as a man being chased by a rabid badger and then bitten by a stoned hippie, thus turning HIM into one (hippie).

[Sigmund]

She had the Karma of a woman who had run over a busload of orphaned, pregnant nuns. :suspect::suspect::suspect:

[betsymae]

Courtesy of my grandfather, who was from Kentucky, speaking to my grandmother, who was from West Virginia...two of my favorites:

1. Ella Mae, you bat your eyes more than a toad in a hailstorm!

2. Well, you should be able to sing like a bird, 'cuz your legs are skinnier than a canary's!

[Agincourt Concierge]

LOL.... thanks arista... I say that all the time.... :wink2:




Colder than witches tit in a brass bra.

[Agincourt Concierge]

"More sober than a preacher on Sunday..."

"as useless as t*ts on a boar hog"

"slicker than a duck's azz"

and one of my all-time favorites.....

"as good as a p**-hole in the snow*

[RandomMan]

Cooler than the other side of the pillow!!!

Hotter than a three-peckered Billy-goat!!

Finer than Frog's hair!!

[Sigmund]

I could say that some of these posts are not similes but mixed metaphors. But then I'd just be beating a dead horse to water.....

Frisbee, it's not a good idea to beat a dead horse to water . When you look a gift horse in mouth and it's been beaten the bird in the hand flies around the bush.:sad:

[Charms7]

That weirdo doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hades to win the contest.

Your Aunt Petunia is older than dirt.

She will try to convince you she's as pure as the driven snow, but watch out. She'll fool you as quick as a wink.

[Bryan James]

I'm a big fan of bedding down. Seen that "other side of the pillow" and understand and appreciate it completely.

That cool side is pretty much one of the best things in life, when you get it when you need it. Now I sound like Tommy Lee Jones, or an insane talking hippopotamus, but...

From where did that saying originate?

I'd like to know. Heard it before, never wrote it...because it was too good.

~BJS

[RandomMan]

I got to piss like a Russian racehorse!

I'm so hungry I could eat the south side of a north-bound mule!!

He's so ugly he has to tie a pork-chop around his neck to get his dog to play with him!!!

[Haunted]

I think this falls under the "worst" category....LOL.

The man was as funny as a man being chased by a rabid badger and then bitten by a stoned hippie, thus turning HIM into one (hippie).

I believe you are right as to what category it falls under.:eek2:

[bookworm101]

Hotter than 2 rats f**king in a wool sock

fine as frogs hair

nuttier than squirrel s**t

[Kim L.]

An idea so clever you could pin a tail on it and call it a weasel.

[Agincourt Concierge]

OMG.... you have me in stitches here.... esp. the mule and the ugly dude...

stop already



I got to piss like a Russian racehorse!

I'm so hungry I could eat the south side of a north-bound mule!!

He's so ugly he has to tie a pork-chop around his neck to get his dog to play with him!!!

[TBlack]

"She didn't sweat much for a big fat nun...
but she smelled like a bad habit!"

[fushingfeef]

As slick as a greased eel on a marble floor.

As stuck as a sheep in a velcro bin.

As tired as a New Orleans whore on Ash Wednesday.

As confusing as a Klingon bus schedule.

As sad as a fired extra from the cast of Schindler's List.

[Bryan James]

As confused as keynote speaker Mario Batali at what he THOUGHT was to be a 'sausage convention' in San Francisco.

[Patricia A]

You guys are slicker'n snot on a door knob.

[Becks19]

My husband has a saying that drives me nuts every time he say's it........ ( it's sort of a simile) Do it right the first time, and you won't have to lick your calf back over.

[fushingfeef]

I forgot my all-time favorite:
"I love you like a fat kid loves cake"

[Becks19]

Like his hair was on fire and his a$$ was catching!

[TBlack]

"You drive like old people F*ck!":mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

[bookworm101]

I forgot the one my Mama use to say I'm so hungary I could eat the a**end out of a rag dog or I'm so hungary my stomach is stuck to my backbone.

[Becks19]

From the Grinch ........ he had a soul full of dirty unwashed socks? ( is that how it goes??)

[Sigmund]

He's sadder than a broke d**k dog.
He's so tight he wouldn't give a crippled crab a crutch.

[Srbo]

I forgot the one my Mama use to say I'm so hungary I could eat the a**end out of a rag dog or I'm so hungary my stomach is stuck to my backbone.

Hungary is also a pretty big a country in Europe, Budapest being the capital.:wink2::laugh:

[spanishjoe74]

as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
& as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

[Patricia A]

I've been banging my head on a brick wall trying to think of something that hasn't already been mentioned and I'll be darned if I don't feel dumber'n a mud fence, or a box of rocks but I can't think of any.
This thread has got me laughing like a new bride with a tape measure on her wedding night. Y'all are slicker'n owl sh!t on wet pavement.
I wouldn't take a brand new hammer for any of you, even if they threw in the nails for free.
Y'all made my day!

[Tery]

As dark as the insides of a black cat.
As happy as a hamster in a vegetable drawer.


Hey Arista! My tits aren't any colder than anyone else's!!! :oops:

[wally wonder]

he looked at her legs w/avarice...they looked like peeled potatoes and they had a sheen, a wetness that made him lick his lips.

[jenboxer77]

How about "hotter than a freshly f*cked fox in a forest fire!"

[MadamMack]

:rofl:

[FlakeNoir]

They were up Sh1t creek without a paddle.
He's as useless as tits on a bull.
Good garny, you're as thick as pig-sh1t!
Mr. Smith was as deaf as a post, but as strong as an Ox; that is until he became as sick as a dog... shortly before he was as dead as a doornail.

[LadyPain]

As dark as the insides of a black cat.
As happy as a hamster in a vegetable drawer.


Hey Arista! My tits aren't any colder than anyone else's!!! :oops:

Same with this witch. My girls are warm and happy.


More miserable than a dog with its arse end dipped in kerosene...

(yeah, some of my relatives have a history of animal cruelty... my grandpa did that to a dog one time for harassin' the cattle)

[Haunted]

Oh my goodness this thread has really deteriorated. :eek2:

[Charms7]

hey arista! My tits aren't any colder than anyone else's!!! :oops:

ROFLaughing!!!!!!!!!!!

[Becks19]

As poor as a church mouse. As quiet as a church mouse. As snug as a bug in a rug. His mind was like a steel trap. His memory was like swiss cheese, full of holes. He was slicker than snake snot. He was as about as useful as a fart in a windstorm. ( I suck at these LOL)

[Sigmund]

"You drive like old people F*ck!":mad::mad::mad::mad:

How EXACTLY do old people do that? :oo:

[Speedy2]

- I will beat you like a red-headed step-child.
- They were all over it like buzzards on a gut wagon (or flies on s**t ).
- Looks like a monkey f***ing a football.
My husband has so many endearing sayings :)

[Charms7]

"You drive like old people F*ck!":mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:

Slow and sloppy?

[Charms7]

Happy as a pink pig in a purple prom dress on Prozac.

She's got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs.

Her fanny was like a hippo's yawn.

That's about as funny as a pay commode in a diarrhea ward.

[Kim L.]

Pure as the driven slush (by Dorothy Parker)

[FlakeNoir]

Oh my goodness this thread has really deteriorated. :eek2:

:blush: I know, I'm sorry... I'm as vulgar as a vagina that... what?! If I finish this Mod's itchy delete finger will have me up to my arse in alligators? (<Sorry M, I know... that's yours and I just unashamedly stole it. Okay... not quite unashamedly. :blush: :sleepy:)

[JohnDalglish]

How EXACTLY do old people do that? :oo:

Hi,

Slowly as a sluggish snail.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Sigmund]

Slow and sloppy?
I thought maybe they veered out of the correct lane :oh:,
or ran over curbs (curves :oops:)
or swerved into on coming traffic :oo:
or failed to yield :sad:
or had trouble with the gear shaft :wink2:

[boogerb53]

He's so dumb he couldn't pour pee out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!

[MadamMack]

Oh God! This thread is killin' me! :rofl:

[Bryan James]

She was as sharp as aged cheddar stuffed in a sea urchin but as fun to have sexy time with as a five-month-old cabbage.

[~Ally~]

She was as sharp as aged cheddar stuffed in a sea urchin but as fun to have sexy time with as a five-month-old cabbage.

I hope you're not referring to me there mister??! :glare: :wink2:

[Bryan James]

As conflicted as Rosie O'Donnell in a sausage factory.

[frisbee]

He's so dumb that if he had another brain it would be lonesome......

[frisbee]

He's so henpecked he still takes orders from his first wife.....

[LadyPain]

One I use at work...

We were running around on butter day like weasels on crack.

(Butter day is when the butter is on sale so damn cheap people will drive for miles just to get two friggin' pounds of the stuff. It usually is a day that is beyond hell on the staff.)

[Bryan James]

As awkward as asking Elin what kind of grip Tiger prefers on his putter?

[Sundrop]

...as bright as a 3 watt light bulb

...as helpful as a screen door on a submarine

[boogerb53]

That boy's 2 hushpuppies short of a catfish platter....

[Sundrop]

....a couple of fries short of a happy meal

[Becks19]

A few sandwiches shy of a picnic.

[wally wonder]

i'm gone be on you like white on rice

[Bryan James]

As entertaining as Wil Wheaton starring in the title role of "Borat II: Kazakhs on Ice."

With ninjas?

[CorbinKale]

As rowdy as...


a bunch of belly buttoned, oxygen-sucking, methane-makers.

[Sigmund]

As much fun as watching a loved ones' autopsy.

[Tery]

As interesting as watching an MP3 download.

As appetizing as a bun full of maggots. With ketchup.

[TBlack]

Slow & jerky with long periods of confused indecision at most major merging intersections!

[Becks19]

He was busier than a one armed paper hanger.....Annie Wilkes Pg. 101 of Misery........Thought of this board/thread when reading that this weekend!

[psj77]

Most of the ones I know are either dirty, politically incorrect or some combination of the two.

More frustrated than an Amish electrician.

[Bryan James]

He was busier than a one armed paper hanger.....Annie Wilkes Pg. 101 of Misery........Thought of this board/thread when reading that this weekend!

Me Da's been saying that for a long time. He alternates with "Busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest."

[Sigmund]

As skittish as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Uglier than a bag full of a**holes. (Sorry that was Great Grandfather's ultimate :blush: )

[TBlack]

"The groundhog was splattered on the highway like an overly ripe zit popped against a bathroom mirror!"

[FlakeNoir]

So... this:


"You drive like old people F*ck!":mad::mad::mad:

This:


How EXACTLY do old people do that? :oo:

And this?


Slow & jerky with long periods of confused indecision at most major merging intersections!

:laugh: Very good.

[CorbinKale]

Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

[Tery]

Dumb as a bag of hammers.

[TBlack]

"Gramma smelled like a moldy mix of Metamucil, Ben-Gay, old cheese & forgotten dreams."

[TBlack]

His ankle seperated from it's socket like fruit yogurt through a straw."

[Bryan James]

The bark was treesnapshorn like Winston the dog that he childmet in the old lowplains when the sun was light and all was the all and all was light. The pine cracked at the point of the cut; it spurted a jism of syrup, and then fell into the fern-laden, mossy hillside with a mere thud as silently as thunder echoing from fornever.

[wally wonder]

you guys are noisier than a bunch of boar hogs at breeding time....heh heh...this old buck on pawn stars, bout a pawn shop in las vegas said that today, father and son...grandson, operation.

[Bryan James]

My jeans fit as well as an Eva Mendes "red carpet" dress on a 12 year old boy.