a read for an opinion

[irisahart]

My son wrote a couple of poems and wanted to share them with ya'll. he invites any and all opinions but remember he is only thirteen so watch your language. and now i turn the key board over to him. his name is michael.

1
Sitting in the darkness that i see
The darkness is what you are here for now
Pain, agony it reveals itself to me
And all i have to ask is what and how
It speaks itself of what i have to know
This on my birthday it speaks of what now
Its now my time to see what i can do
What now has happen is it has told how
Mysterious mischevious it is
It tries to show what past people have done
And now to say what i will mostly miss
And now it is all done it ha all shown
And now i have to accept what it has bestowed
And now i must end y very short ode
1



2


Where we last left off my darkness had bestowed
Upon me power i could not control
Power could not be explained in one ode
Now with knowledge in my mind left a hole
My mind could not take the hole created
I had to fill the hole with what i see
Darkness is what i see, fill the crater
The darkness absorbed what was left of me
Me, that's all it wanted was to be me
Darkness took control like a dictator
As it took control of my mind, i see
Made me become what i hate and more
I go out to see what i have become
And this is where i leave u alone
2


no he is not depressed he just has a deep attraction to the supernatural.

[Moderator]

I don't normally allow original work to be posted on this side of the Board but will make an exception this time; however, this should probably go into the writing thread in the Social Groups.

[aneaglesangel]

Oh awesome! My son loves to write also! He's done a bunch of poems and short stories. I think he's better at dialogue than I am, LOL! I say your son is doing great! Keep encouraging him! My son started doing this, geesh I don't know before he was 10? He's still at it and gets better all the time. His teachers are always ranting and raving about his stories and poems so I figure, let him run with it! To me, even the brightest creature of light has a dark side, and funny, some of the best poems my son has done were the darker ones, so maybe that part of us needs to get out and be expressed every now and then? But I think your son is doing great, keep encouraging him! Maybe we should get our two creative kids together and see what happens? Either we'll get a great cooperative novel, or well, there'll be one heck of a rumble, one or the other....hehehehe!!

[Ubasti]

Great job Michael!:smile2:

[pandora]

Wow !!! I liked it and thought it was pretty deep. It made me want to turn to the first page and read the Dear Constant Reader, where he tells me what gave him the idea and what he thought as he was writing it.
Michael, do you do requests? And if Ms. Mod doesn't think it's the place for it please give me the "first page" in a private message. Great job!!!! Keep that pencil flying!!!!

[Haunted]

I look forward to many more words from Michael because I am sure he has found his spot in the world.:biggrin2:

[JohnDalglish]

Hi,

Very good indeed, Michael, keep on writing!

Thankee for sharing.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Cowboy]

Well done Michael. Keep writing and learn as much as you can about the art.

[Bryan James]

"Darkness took control like a dictator" -- I like that a lot.

Overall, though, it is just repetitive Teen Angst. I suggest that Young Master spend some time with Shakespeare, Whitman, and eliot.

BJS

[Sundrop]

Michael, you are an extremely talented young man. I hope that you will be encouraged to continue in your writing. :)

[mojomofo]

Kudos Michael! You have got amazing talent, foster it and let it grow.

[ally88]

Well done Michael, it is nice to read poetry from someone so young..hopefully you will be encouraged further in continuing this.

And IMO don't take offence to Bjs' post, it would appear some people find it either very hard to pay a compliment or simply feel their opinion is worth more than others. Encouragement and positivity is the key to success, not criticism and negativity:eyebrow:.

[JohnDalglish]

Overall, though, it is just repetitive Teen Angst. I suggest that Young Master spend some time with Shakespeare, Whitman, and eliot.

BJS

Hi,

Overall, this is just negative pseudo-intellectual arrogance. I suggest you spend more time with mature humility.

Long days and pleasant nights

[Bryan James]

Michael's work is young, like him. He has room to grow. I hope he keeps plugging away.

The three proposed poets (and I can't take much Whitman) were specifically tailored to what Michael may find useful. I was not trying to pose as an intellectual. Takes too much energy, and I'm pretty lazy.

Shakespeare's sonnets will help with his meter. Whitman with his imagery and metaphor. t.s. eliot with the dark mood.

A work was posted soliciting opinions. I gave an honest one. There really is no such thing as a completely humble opinion. Think on that, Master of Humility ;P

Peace,
BJS