Favourite Quotes and Quotations

[blunthead]

Henny Youngman vol 2...

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

[fljoe0]

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself - my father (don't know where he got it from)

[JohnDalglish]

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself - my father (don't know where he got it from)

Hi,

Ain't dat de troof!

Long days and pleasant nights

[xkittyx]

Here's a couple I like:
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." - Aldous Huxley

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there." - Lewis Carroll

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." - Lemony Snicket

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance." - George Bernard Shaw

"Bango Skank was here." - The SKU

[blunthead]

Henny Youngman vol 3...

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

[fljoe0]

Woody Allen from the movie Manhattan after Diane Keaton gets in the cab with him

"Your so beautiful, I can hardly keep my eyes on the meter"

[blunthead]

Henny Youngman vol 4...

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

[Petrollika]

[Boog]

Best comeback for a heckler:

"Pick a window, you're leaving"

[blunthead]

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." --Ron Atkinson

"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is." --Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation." --Ron Pickering

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running." --Ron Pickering

"He's passe. Nobody cares about Mickey anymore. There are whole batches of Mickeys we just can't give away. I think we should phase him out." --Roy Disney, Walt Disney's brother, 1937

"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car." --Safari park sign

"A bachelor's life is no life for a single man." --Samuel Goldwyn

"Man Breaks Leg In Fall Off Bride." --St. Louis Disptach Headline (should have read "bridge.")

"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on." --Samuel Goldwyn

"Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar." --Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge