Steven Wright vol 2...
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
You can't have it all . . . where would you put it?
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?"
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...