Tips for venting...........

[Dave Sartin]

Ok. Well, I deal with anger issues and its easy to vent usually but not without later regretting things I say. E.X.: I can say I hate someone but in the bible it tells us not to hate anyone. ALSO it says to love your enemies. I can't seem to get that under my belt. I can usually deal with things easily but sometimes it just really gets under my skin. Another example is I've had previous friends in the past that still talk smack about me. Yes. I know. It's childish and I shouldn't be angry about something so stupid but sometimes...... Tips?????

[PatInTheHat]

Talk smack back, of course now consider, that even more than it's true that it will help if your good at it, is just how true it'll suck if ya ain't, but now reconsider this, if it's gonna suck anyway, why not get in your best shots.

[ZMeister]

Ok. Well, I deal with anger issues and its easy to vent usually but not without later regretting things I say. E.X.: I can say I hate someone but in the bible it tells us not to hate anyone. ALSO it says to love your enemies. I can't seem to get that under my belt. I can usually deal with things easily but sometimes it just really gets under my skin. Another example is I've had previous friends in the past that still talk smack about me. Yes. I know. It's childish and I shouldn't be angry about something so stupid but sometimes...... Tips?????

I also have instances where I vent and later regret it, but they're fewer and farther between these days.
The approach that works for me is less biblical and more along the lines of cause and effect. [Reap what you sew?] Review some of your past venting episodes and then recall the problems that resulted. That's the effect part. Make decisions that are more likely to give you a favorable outcome. What do you want? Peace of mind? To win an argument? If you win an argument or vent your frustration, what's the payoff for you? Is it worth it? Ask yourself these questions.

Yes, the bible says it's wrong to hate. But saying you hate someone in a fit of anger isn't actually hating them unless you mean it later. You may hate them in the moment, but that's your anger talking. When you say "I hate you!" in a fit of anger what you're really saying is, "I'm angry and I've run out of things to say." When you get angry, resolve not to discuss anything until it's passed. When your emotions stabilize then you'll be in a position for a rational discussion. And if the other party isn't rational, don't discuss anything with them. It's like throwing yourself into a brick wall over and over. You wont solve anything and you'll only wear yourself out. Why waste your energy on futility? Plus, when you give way to your rage, you're effectively handing your vital energy and power to the other person.[which they may want you to do]

If you're dealing with a person and they raise their voice, keep your own voice low and calm. It forces them to stop yelling so they can hear what you're saying. If you raise your voice, they'll raise theirs even more. Yelling is just a childish, angry way of saying, "Hear me! Hear what I'm saying! Why can't you hear me?" Of course, some people know exactly what you're doing when you do that and it enrages them even more because they feel manipulated and out of control. They're pissed because they're angry and you're not reacting. Be careful to not use this method for that purpose-it's sadistic. Walk away if they're totally incapable of a calm, rational discussion. It gives a time out for both of you.

"A calm answer turns away rage." --Proverbs
"Let your words be seasoned with salt" Jesus..or Paul..or someone, lol.
"You get more flies with honey than vinegar" --unknown

Loving your enemies is difficult. If you're Christian, pray that that person will get what they need 'for their highest good.' And then let it go into God's hands. It's really helped me to do that. When you pray for someone who annoys the crap out of you, your anger dissolves. And if you pray that they 'get what they need for their highest good,' you're praying that they meet the consequences[lessons] of their own actions without inserting your own will or wishes. Get it? If you say prayers like that though, be very careful to keep your own side of the street clean, i.e. "Remove the beam from your own eye before trying to remove the splinter from someone elses." --Jesus Or else you can meet with unlovely consequences of your own.

As for the friends, you said they were previous friends. Ignore it. If it's your friends reporting to you what others have been saying, hold your hand up and say, "No. I don't want to hear about what they're saying. I'm done with them. What they think about me is none of my business." If you're done with them, be done with them.

Hope this helps a little.

[GNTLGNT]

...what ZMeister so eloquently typed...

[tenngolfer]

I get to see this every day at work. Those that respond to a verbal jab with more "smack", continues to get attacked will generally continue getting attacked. Gerald Bell a psychologist at the University of North Carolina breaks down personality types, then examines those types when taken to an extreme. The type he notes as a "competitor" likes to compete, some of those folks are an extreme personality type, they like to attack, especially verbal jabbing. If this is who you are sparring with, you will find no fun it unless you have a similar personality. If you do not engage them, they generally grow boared with you because you are no fun, and leave.

[Spideyman]

And what ZMeister said.

[Todash]

ZMeister has given you good advice. The only things I would add:

Something you might want to keep in mind is that the people you are getting angry with rarely (sometimes, but really it's not that common) are focused much on you at all. (Unless of course you've done something to annoy them, which I assure you that as a human being, you have done from time to time). They're generally not trying to annoy you purposefully; they are simply being who they are. That is, they don't live in your universe. They have their own universes. We all do.

The second thing is this: if you can't bear to NOT listen to people reporting back what ex-friends have said about you (and if that's the case, then you, my friend, are simply one of those people who, despite all stated intentions to the contrary, invite and/or crave drama in your life), at least let some good come of it. If you keep hearing the same thing over and over, maybe you should take a long, hard look at yourself and ask if what they say is true. If it is, learn from it. A little humility is a good thing.

[fushingfeef]

I've never been very good at venting except maybe in the written word...if you're worried what you're going to say is going to cause problems, try typing it out instead.

[Brian]

This may sound like a strange suggestion, but I'll offer it anyway. It works wonders for me when I need it.

I use my smart phone to video blog. Not to post online but simply to vent and listen to later. It's essentially a form of high tech journaling but you get sound and video. You can listen to yourself after and see the emotions on your face. It allows me to find clarity in issues very quickly when I can see and hear the way I'm behaving.

Of course, sometime I can see that I am being overly dramatic. Sometimes I call bull**** on myself. Sometimes I can see that I have a legitimate gripe and it feels good to hear myself say it. In any case, it's seeing your face and hearing your own words back that is most important.

It helped me a great deal at the end of my 17 year partnership with my ex. For me, speaking my feelings to my phone (whom I call Wilson) was amazingly therapeutic. My therapist also saw dramatic improvements as she believed it was a great enhancement to standard "talk therapy."

[PatInTheHat]

This may sound like a strange suggestion, but I'll offer it anyway. It works wonders for me when I need it.

I use my smart phone to video blog. Not to post online but simply to vent and listen to later. It's essentially a form of high tech journaling but you get sound and video. You can listen to yourself after and see the emotions on your face. It allows me to find clarity in issues very quickly when I can see and hear the way I'm behaving.

Of course, sometime I can see that I am being overly dramatic. Sometimes I call bull**** on myself. Sometimes I can see that I have a legitimate gripe and it feels good to hear myself say it. In any case, it's seeing your face and hearing your own words back that is most important.

It helped me a great deal at the end of my 17 year partnership with my ex. For me, speaking my feelings to my phone (whom I call Wilson) was amazingly therapeutic. My therapist also saw dramatic improvements as she believed it was a great enhancement to standard "talk therapy."

Way cool & groovy!