Prolific Member
Re: Jokes
Roommate Notes 2
Dear Mitch,
You left me alone and undefended. Alas, I am no more.
Love,
The Cookies
_______________
Fun Fact of the Day! Quiet sex can be fun too!
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This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a fridge. You can't REFRIGERATE TOAST!
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[Q:] These yogurts expired July 24. Today is Aug 12. What should we do?
[A:] Run for our lives.
Senior Member
Re: Jokes
The poor country Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife,
Junior Member
Re: Jokes
3 Brits were discussing the meaning of "sophistication". The first Brit says, "A man goes up to his bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, quietly closes the door and goes back downstairs. That, to me, is the epitome of sophistication."
The second Brit says, "A man goes up to his bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says, "Oh, I beg pardon, DO carry on," and goes back downstairs. That, to me, is the epitome of sophistication."
The third Brit says, "A man goes up to this bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says, "Oh, I beg pardon, DO carry on," goes back downstairs, and if that man CAN INDEED CARRY ON, that, to me, is the epitome of sophistication!"
Senior Member
Re: Jokes
English is Really Crazy!
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing.
Grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what other language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Senior Member
Re: Jokes
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly:
Prolific Member
Re: Jokes
Signs vol 1
No Witchcraft
KEEP OUT
If Door Does Not Open
DO NOT ENTER
PRIVATE PROPERTY
[oriental writing]
NO TRESPASSING
[oriental writing]
NO DUMPLING
[oriental writing]
WARNING
Fence Treated
With Lubricant
Senior Member
Re: Jokes
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
The husband takes his wife's hand but she cries, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead".
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because
Board Beta Tester
Re: Jokes
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
Senior Member
Re: Jokes
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So the that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and
Senior Member
Re: Jokes
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?"
“Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box.
She said that she knew it was candy.
When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak.
The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.”
She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.
He said happily,
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