Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a Banana Split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed Nuts?'

Show Spoiler

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[kingzeppelin]

Santa's Bad Day

One particular Christmas Season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the Reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a Little Angel with a great Christmas Tree.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Show Spoiler

Thus began the tradition of the Little Angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

[kingzeppelin]

Tragedy begets Comedy

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Show Spoiler

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[Anni M]

The first man married a woman from Houston, Texas . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he did not see anything, the second day he did not see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[not_nadine]

[kingzeppelin]

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house.
When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope.”
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

Show Spoiler

“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

[blunthead]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example the other day Mary, my wife, and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

We went up to him, and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?". He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an *******. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn-out tires. So Mary called him a ********. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first, then started writing two more tickets.

This went on for twenty minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he would write.

Then our bus arrived, we got on it and went home.

We make life interesting now that we're retired.

[kingzeppelin]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”
The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.”
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.
He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.”
The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead.
With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing –

Show Spoiler

Chet’s nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

[kingzeppelin]

The Office Party


John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the President of the Company, right to his face."
"He's an a$$hole," John said. "Pi$$ on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.

Show Spoiler

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[kingzeppelin]

Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long.
So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal.


He then engaged the help of his sweetheart’s younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together.
Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store.
However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.


Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :


‘I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!


All my love.


Billy’