Jokes

[champ1966]

A farmer decides he wants to breed pigs,so he goes out and buys a sow.He phones his friends from the next farm and asks if he can put his sow in with their boar."of course mate bring her over".So the farmer puts the sow in a wheelbarrow and walks her over to his neighbours farm,where they put her in with the boar.The pair do their business so the farmer puts her back into the wheelbarrow and takes her back home.The next morning he phones his friend and asks "how will I know if she's pregnant?" his mate replys "if she's pregnant she'll start eating grass".So the farmer looks out of the window at the sow and she's just rolling about in the mud,so he puts her back into the wheelbarrow and takes her back to his friends.The next morning he looks out of his window,and she's still just rolling in the mud.So he puts her in the wheelbarrow again.This goes on for about a week and he's starting to get frustrated.so one morning he says to his wife "look out of the window love and see if the sow's eating grass yet".His wife says

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"she's sat in the wheelbarrow"

[Becks19]

My Father sent me this recently. Thought you all might like it.

Subj: National Senior Mental Health Week


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip. The woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

Finally they arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one
Unstable Senior to show you care. I have now done my part.

[MrsSmeej]

Dear Haunted;

... or, as John used to say ROFFLMFAO.

Long days and pleasant nights.

[JellybeanJay]

I have to add two of my favorites....

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

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To keep his nuts dry

Why don't blind men skydive

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Because it scares the s**t out of the dog

[Spideyman]

To Be 8 again!



A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not

far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.



'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.



Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside

down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a

chocolate shake.



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.



He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.



'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[~Ally~]

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Oh how I'd love to be eight again also.

[Haunted]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a
big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery
fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for
me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled
down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard
voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed
down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on
his bike and rode off. Just around the bend
he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't
believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are
down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'


The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's
hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted
though, the man hobbled slowly to the
cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for
you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been
tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see
the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought
iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as
they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.
That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good
half-mile before the kid on the bike passed
him.

[Haunted]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[Spideyman]

Not really classified as a joke, but King related:

Attachment 14668

[champ1966]

I'll always remember the time I lost my virginity,me and my girlfriend were downstairs with Mum and Dad,they were chatting so we sneaked upstairs.We did the business and then

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the whole top deck of the bus applauded us