Jokes

[Out of Order]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

[kingzeppelin]

Punography Part 2

A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

PMT jokes aren't funny, period.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.

[kingzeppelin]

And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's how the fight started...

[kingzeppelin]

Are you being Politically Correct in 2013?

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

[Out of Order]

Church was looking for a new guy to ring the bell as the previous one had retired.

At the end of the day, after interviewing dozens of people, a man with no arms was the last interview of the day. "If you have no arms, how will you ring the bell?" asked one of the two interviewers. With that, the man ran full-speed at the bell and "BONNNNG"...the bell rang. Once again he ran at the bell..."BONGGGGGG". The men looked at each other and thanked the man.

A few months later, the two men were walking down the street...and the armless man walked by. The first man said to the other..."do you recognize that guy..he looks kinda familiar...."

"I dont know, but his face rings a bell"

[kingzeppelin]

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:

I went through the McDonald's driveway window and ordered a meal,
The total was $4.25, so I gave the cashier a $5 note and also handed her 25c
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that
kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the staff at McDonald's in Maryborough, Queensland .....

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large'
enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

This Happened in Ipswich, Queensland. We haven't used that repairman again.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here and I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing here any more!'

Story is from from Bauple, Queensland ....

[champ1966]

One for UK members only

Our lass just came into the living room and said "Didn't you hear me just fall down the stairs?"

To which I replied

Show Spoiler

"I thought it was Eastenders finishing"

For non UK members here's a clue www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtCBUp8aW14

[kingzeppelin]

IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

Story is from Caboolture ....

IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..'

This happened at Brisbane Airport .......

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Gladstone P.O. Queensland ....

[kingzeppelin]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER..'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH??. . WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

[kingzeppelin]

Men Are Just Happier People.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!