Jokes

[champ1966]

Two farmers are out in the field working and one turns to the other and asks him if he knows the time.The second farmer turns and cups the nearest bull's testicles and lifts them up "It's 5 past 12 lets have some lunch".

A few hours later the farmer says "what time is it now?" and again the 2nd farmer lifts the bulls testicles and says "It's 3.15,lets have a drink"

Again a few hours later the farmer asks the time once more,and once again the 2nd farmer lifts the bulls testicles and says "it's 5.20,lets call it a day"

The first farmer says "that's amazing,how do you do it?"

To which the 2nd farmer says

Show Spoiler

"when I lift the testicles,I can see the village clock"

[kingzeppelin]

Lecture Tour with A Difference.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

Show Spoiler

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

[blunthead]

Insults, vol 1

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go... - Oscar Wilde

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Charles, Count Talleyrand

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.. - Oscar Wilde

He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: If you were my husband I'd give you poison.
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

[blunthead]

A man's wife is finishing showering when the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel, runs downstairs and opens the door. There's Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she's able to say a word, he says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel. After a few seconds Bob hands her $800, then leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel.

Her husband comes downstairs and asks, "Who was that?".

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor", she answers.

He asks, "Did Bob say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[blunthead]

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively, "You've got great hair!". The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say, "You're a handsome man!". He looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

The voice said, "What a stud you are!". The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said, "Oh, it's the nuts. They're complimentary."

[blunthead]

Insults, vol 2

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
Disraeli: "That depends, Sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. - Moses Hadas

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one.
Winston Churchill, in response: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one.

[kingzeppelin]

A Romantic New Year's Day Story

A married couple had been out shopping for most of the day. Suddenly the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". Somewhat irate she called her husband's mobile and demanded, 'Where are you?'
Her Husband repied: 'Darling, do you remember that little jewellery shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day."'

The wife tremulously replied, 'Yes, I do remember that my love.'

Show Spoiler

Husband, 'Well I'm in the Pub next to that shop.'

[champ1966]

2 old men sat next to a roaring fire in a pub.First guy says " Thats a nice dog you've got there.What do you call him?"

The 2nd guy replied "Blacksmith"

First guy "That's a weird name,why do you call him that?"

2nd guy "When I pull this red hot poker out of the fire and go towards him.

Show Spoiler

watch him make a bolt for the door"

[blunthead]

Roommate Notes 1

Dear Evan,

My parents are coming today. Can you please wear pants all day?

Thanx,

Ryan
____________

Ashley is passed-out naked on the bathroom floor. Please check on her occasionally. Thank you.
____________

Eric,

I had sex on your bed. Sorry about that. Don't use your pillow.

- Matt
____________

Dear Gary,

I have been feeling really dirty lately. Please do me.

Love,

Dishes

[kingzeppelin]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.

I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband.
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that

Show Spoiler

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."