Jokes

[blunthead]

[kingzeppelin]

Druggist's Bad Day


Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[Sundrop]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital
staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a carnation."

[kingzeppelin]

Why Cats are Better than Men!


A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

[kingzeppelin]

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant Dress Size!"

[kingzeppelin]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?


You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *******!

[kingzeppelin]

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. In future someone who had committed adultery would only say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until he died.
Then about a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor very concerned.
The new priest said, "Mayor you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the Mayor could explain, the new priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife has fallen three times this week!"

[champ1966]

Another one for the Brits

My Nan and Grandad were called Pearl and Dean we used to call them Grandma and

Show Spoiler

Grand papa papa papa pa papapa

[kingzeppelin]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got
any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you BEEN?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.
So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there
and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God Damn Liar!!! You went BOWLING AGAIN!"

[kingzeppelin]

An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up and everything checked out fine.
Then the old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder and when you are giving him coffee, stir it in and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She looked agitated and embarrassed, and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, Doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Oh yes," the old lady said, "It worked very well. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there, and we made mad passionate love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"


"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again!"