Jokes

[champ1966]

Sometimes it gets a bit stressful on here what with the trolls and the like.So I think its time to lighten the mood for all you guys (over here in England that's a multi gender term :wink2:)

Lets tell some jokes

I'll start the ball rolling with a non offensive old one

Q how many crime writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Two.one to put it in and the other to give it a little twist at the end

Boom Boom

[exzel]

If Stephen King started and information technology company, what would he call it?

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lm52uod8IK1qctkcl.jpg

[GNTLGNT]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggie.

“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner. “I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.

“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.

“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.

“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”

The third piggy says, “Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

(Apologies to the Geico pig(that should be next to the eggs on my plate))

[Mojo*mofo]

I only have a memory for off color jokes, so they aren't really shareable. They only one I can remember, or repeat in front of my kids that not, is this little gem...

Two guys are sitting down to breakfast before work, and one opens up the paper and starts reading. After a minute, he turns to the second man, and says "Such a shame. Hey, did you hear about the woman who was killed when a tree fell on her?"

The second man looks up from his plate and says "Well who the hell puts a tree in the kitchen?"


And with that, I will show myself out. :blush:

[Dav13Bh07]

I have the same problem not many clean jokes sorry

An Englishman , an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman takes one look at them and says
" what is this some kind of a joke !!! "

What's brown and sticky ?
A stick

I too will now show myself the door

[~Ally~]

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lm52uod8IK1qctkcl.jpg

Yay, you've just supplied me with a new profile picture...I'm loving IT!


I have the same problem not many clean jokes sorry

An Englishman , an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman takes one look at them and says
" what is this some kind of a joke !!! "

No matter what, these type of jokes will always be my favourite. Maybe it's a UK thing? :biggrin2:

Congrats on your 10th post David, you are now free to explore the big bad world of the social groups!
Beware...there's no "moderation" in there. :ghostface:

[blunthead]

An oldie but a goodie which I've posted before (thankee Mod :smile2: )

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

[Srbo]

A woman walks into s store.

- Hello, I would like to buy a nice hat.
- What specifically are you thinking of ?
- Sex. But right now I wan`t to buy a hat. :wink2:

[blunthead]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, says, "Doc, ya gotta help me! Nobody will talk to me!".

The doctor says, "Next".

[Mojo*mofo]

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

Ah, kid friendly jokes are coming back to me now...

[blunthead]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[champ1966]

A Cyclops on a Unicorn....now that's an accident waiting to happen

[blunthead]

In high school my daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive" - Rodney Dangerfield

[GNTLGNT]

http://www.techpin.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/coolest-funny-jokes.jpg

[Brian]

Most environmentally friendly wireless data network... Tree G.

(Yea, I made that up all by myself.)

[momone53]

A first grade teacher is trying to teach her kids about flavor. She passes out a cherry life saver and asks the kids what the flavor is; they all yell out cherry; she passes out a rootbeer one and everyone agrees that it tastes just like a rootbeer soda. Lastely, she passes out a honey drop. No one raises their hand; Teacher says "come on kids doesn't anyone know this flavor? I'll give you a hint; it's what your mother calls your father all the time.

All of a sudden little Johnny jumps out of his seat and says: spit it out everyone, it's an a$$hole!

[91rewoT]

Sometimes it gets a bit stressful on here what with the trolls and the like.So I think its time to lighten the mood for all you guys (over here in England that's a multi gender term :wink2:)


Thanks for starting this thread! You started my week off great! I'm a terrbile joke-rememberer, so I'll come back to contribute after I pick my hubby's brain for a good one! :umm:


(We use "you guys" up here in the northern part of the states too...when I lived down south I was constantly getting "We're not GUYS!" from students!)

[blunthead]

A violinist is playing a concert at Carnegie Hall. He finishes the piece. Voices in the audience shout, "Again! Play it again!".

The violinist is pleased. He plays the piece all the way through a second time. "Again!", the voices shout, "Play it again!".

The musician's self-satisfaction knows no bounds: This is Carnegie Hall, and I'm asked to play not one, but two encores?! When he finishes, the voices rise yet a third time.

Incredulous, the violinist walks to the front of the stage and addresses the audience: "Two encores of the same piece at Carnegie Hall? It's unheard of!".

The audience shouts, "Don't worry, eventually you'll get it right!"

[champ1966]

Just got back from a once in a lifetime holiday

Never again

[91rewoT]

Okay, so there are two teachers who are at work. One says "Hey, where's Cindy?" The other one says "She didn't have to work today, she's probably on the SKMB." :rofl:

(get it? the joke is on them.) :laugh:
(I made this one up.) :smile2:
(what? you figured that?) :oops:
(why thank you.)

I know, I know, I'm leaving now... :glare:

[CCAL]

jokes just fall flat for me. I never can remember the punchlines--or I blurt it out too soon and ruin it all. that said, I LOVE to read them tho! Ya'll (or should I say 'you guys') keep going! I'm rofl!:rofl: see? lol

[CCAL]

91rewoT-did you make that up just for me??? hahahahaaa. (yup Cindy IS my name-ha) and skmb is where I usyually am when not on skc/fb lol....ok now I'll let MYSELF out now...:tongue:

[champ1966]

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil at the inflatable school?

Not only have you let me and the school down but most of all you've let yourself down

[StoryTellerRose]

Champ1966? Your avatar is the most hilarious thing I have seen all day! And I'm a Christian. There's a personal reason why that is so funny to me, but thank you for using it, all the same. :biggrin2:
And when did "guys" become offensive? :eyebrow:

[MrsSmeej]

What kind of concert ticket only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent including Nickelback

[blunthead]

What kind of concert ticket only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent including NickelbackOh, so going all mathematical on us?

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2006:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2007:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

[fushingfeef]

Q: Why so much confusion around Joe Paterno's death?
A: Because Penn State never reported it to the proper authorities.

Tasteless, I know, but I'm more of a Pitt fan.

[champ1966]

Champ1966? Your avatar is the most hilarious thing I have seen all day! And I'm a Christian. There's a personal reason why that is so funny to me, but thank you for using it, all the same. :biggrin2:
And when did "guys" become offensive? :eyebrow:

I meant I would tell some non offensive jokes,trust me I know lots of offensive ones :tongue:

Yeah the avatar is quite funny :smile2:

[champ1966]

How do we know the CIA weren't involved in the assasination of JFK?

He died didn't he

[champ1966]

(only Brits will get this one)

Geordies have been leaving the cinema disappointed to find that War Horse wasn't about THEIR horse

[blunthead]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He opened it and a genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute, and said, "I want to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

After a few minutes the genie said, "No, I don't think I can do that, think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement needed. No, that is too much to ask."

The man considered, then said, "There is one other thing. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie said, "Do you want two lanes or four?"

[~Ally~]

(only Brits will get this one)

Geordies have been leaving the cinema disappointed to find that War Horse wasn't about THEIR horse

:rofl: Why aye man, canny funny but ah divent knar what ya gannin on aboot like! :tongue:

I'm not a Geordie, but I am a Mackem which is just doon the road. :y:

[91rewoT]

91rewoT-did you make that up just for me??? hahahahaaa. (yup Cindy IS my name-ha) and skmb is where I usyually am when not on skc/fb lol....ok now I'll let MYSELF out now...:tongue:

Why yes, yes I did! So glad you enjoyed it! :wink2: :laugh:

[champ1966]

Just got in from work and the first thing I did is rip my girlfriends knickers off

They were bleeding killing me

[champ1966]

A Stephen King fan walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.The barman says "where did you get that"

The parrot replys "at SKMB there's hundreds of them on there"

[blunthead]

A retired corporate executive decides to take a cruise, has the time of his life until the ship sinks. He finds himself stranded on an island all alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

One day as he lies on the beach the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows to the shore. He says to her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She answers, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed there when my cruise ship sank."

"You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you", he says.

"I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?".

"Oh, that was no problem," she said, "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing they dock at a small wharf. The man is dumbstruck. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, dazed, "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

She winks and says, "It's not coconut juice. I have a still. Would you like a Pina Colada?"

Amazed, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk. After a while the woman says, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

In the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "Amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next to her. Moving close, she says, "We've both been on this island for a long time. You've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean...there's a golf course?!".

[Srbo]

A Stephen King fan walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.The barman says "where did you get that"

The parrot replys "at SKMB there's hundreds of them on there"

:rofl:

[fljoe0]

You might be a redneck if:

You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company

You think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You and your dog use the same tree.

when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took

You have a bumper sticker that says, "MY MOTHER'S AN HONOR STUDENT AT SOUTH LITTLE ROCK JR. HIGH."

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You may be a redneck if you ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your school fight song is"Dueling Banjos".

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

[champ1966]

14607

[Haunted]

The following are originally from the winning submissions from a Washington Post neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

[champ1966]

A farmer decides he wants to breed pigs,so he goes out and buys a sow.He phones his friends from the next farm and asks if he can put his sow in with their boar."of course mate bring her over".So the farmer puts the sow in a wheelbarrow and walks her over to his neighbours farm,where they put her in with the boar.The pair do their business so the farmer puts her back into the wheelbarrow and takes her back home.The next morning he phones his friend and asks "how will I know if she's pregnant?" his mate replys "if she's pregnant she'll start eating grass".So the farmer looks out of the window at the sow and she's just rolling about in the mud,so he puts her back into the wheelbarrow and takes her back to his friends.The next morning he looks out of his window,and she's still just rolling in the mud.So he puts her in the wheelbarrow again.This goes on for about a week and he's starting to get frustrated.so one morning he says to his wife "look out of the window love and see if the sow's eating grass yet".His wife says "she's sat in the wheelbarrow"

[Becks19]

My Father sent me this recently. Thought you all might like it.

Subj: National Senior Mental Health Week


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant, and resumed their trip. The woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

Finally they arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one
Unstable Senior to show you care. I have now done my part.

[MrsSmeej]

Dear Haunted;

:rofl: ... or, as John used to say ROFFLMFAO.

Long days and pleasant nights.

[JellybeanJay]

I have to add two of my favorites....

Why does a squirrel swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry

Why don't blind men skydive

Because it scares the s**t out of the dog

:rofl:

[Spideyman]

To Be 8 again!



A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not

far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.



'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.



Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside

down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a

chocolate shake.



Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.



He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?



Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.



'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'



The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[~Ally~]

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

:rofl: Oh how I'd love to be eight again also.

[Haunted]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a
big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery
fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of
sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for
me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled
down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard
voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed
down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on
his bike and rode off. Just around the bend
he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't
believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are
down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'


The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's
hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted
though, the man hobbled slowly to the
cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for
you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been
tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see
the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the
fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought
iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as
they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.


At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.
That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good
half-mile before the kid on the bike passed
him.

[Haunted]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

[Spideyman]

Not really classified as a joke, but King related:

14668

[champ1966]

I'll always remember the time I lost my virginity,me and my girlfriend were downstairs with Mum and Dad,they were chatting so we sneaked upstairs.We did the business and then the whole top deck of the bus applauded us :wink2:

[Spideyman]

Wisdom from a Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have yo u been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*&^%ing wall."

[nygene40]

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light when, suddenly, out of nowhere, a midget Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn on the windshield wipers. That will get rid of this vampire," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouted.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," replied Sister Helen.

So, Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. The vampire screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn paused for a moment then she opened the window and shouted, "That's it... get the **** off our car!"

[fljoe0]

Hollywood Squares:

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q . Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[blunthead]

I have a dog. I named him Pharaoh because in every room he leaves a pyramid. --Rodney Dangerfield

[Brian]

What song does Adel sing on Easter? "ROLLING IN THE PEEPS!"

Of course, that's the latest joke I've made up. :wink2:

[Spideyman]

Oldie but goodie:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
> >
> >
> > Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
> > chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-
> > out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and
> > have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
> > dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
> > shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
> > I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
> > tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
> > that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets
> > and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> > nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
> > again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
> > was now enthralled with my story.)
> >
> > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
> > dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff
> > a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
> >
> > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
> > was Laughing so hard.
> >
> > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> >
> > MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They
> > have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
> >

[champ1966]

He was a dark horse that Black Beauty

[champ1966]

I had a job in an orange juice factory.I got sacked because I couldn't concentrate

[blunthead]

Dumb Laws

Alabama

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Alaska

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.

Arizona

Hunting camels is prohibited.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Arkansas

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

California

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Colorado

Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.

Connecticut

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
You may not educate dogs.

[Haunted]

Oldie but goodie:

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
> >
> >
> > Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
> > chow for my loyal pet, Chevy, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-
> > out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
> >
> > What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and
> > have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a
> > dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably
> > shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that
> > I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
> > tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
> >
> > I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
> > that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets
> > and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> > nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
> > again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
> > was now enthralled with my story.)
> >
> > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the
> > dog food poisoned me. I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff
> > a poodle's ass and a car hit me.
> >
> > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he
> > was Laughing so hard.
> >
> > Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
> >
> > MORAL OF THE STORY: Better watch what you ask retired people. They
> > have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
> >

:rofl:

[Haunted]

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which in turn are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[Spideyman]

15093

[not_nadine]

Spidey :oo: :down: it's true, and I did not look foolish at all.

[MichaelAFinn]

An English man, an Italian man, and an Irish man walk into a bar and each of them order a beer. The English man found a fly in his beer and immediately requested a new beer. The Italian man also sees a fly in his drink and also asks for a new beer. When the Irish man looks down and discovers a fly in his beer, he picks up the fly by the wings and smacks its back screaming, "Spit it out, spit it out, spit it out!"

I assure you I am not racist in any way. I am Irish, I just heard this joke and thought it was funny :smile2:

[blunthead]

O'Malley went to his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighed, looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened, but was of solid character. Composing himself he walked into the waiting room where his son was waiting.

O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I've got cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.".

So, they did, and after three or four, the two were feeling a little better. They had some laughs and some more beers, then some of O'Malley's old friends came up and asked what they were celebrating. O'Malley reminded them the Irish celebrate the good and the bad, and went on to say they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live. I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, bought him a couple more beers and left. O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, you told me you are dying of cancer!".

O'Malley said, "I am, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[champ1966]

Be careful out there guys,the latest scam is scantily clad women come up to you in the mall car parks and ask you if you want your car washing.Then they steal your wallet.I've been done three times today :wink2:

[Spideyman]

15126

[J.T. Adams]

https://encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQlYX5QlE1Ty2T-xl9bNooG3NMwITGBIH5tutaWYkgBdLsxDM8M

[champ1966]

15451

Do it,you'll be surprised :wink2:

[kingzeppelin]

15453
Forgive me if this has been posted before bit I stumbled across it and just wanted to share!

[Moderator]

15451

Do it,you'll be surprised :wink2:


:biggrin2::y:

[Out of Order]

Try doing it with tilt.

[Becks19]

That's cute!!!

[Reason4Happenings]

I've posted this one elsewhere, but it's good/bad enough to post again.

Why did Cole serve everything he cooked with a side of cabbage?

Because it's Cole's Law.

[Becks19]

15455 (Grrr! Sorry all, this is as big as I can get this picture.)

[Moderator]

It's okay--it enlarges when you click on it. :smile2:

[Becks19]

It's okay--it enlarges when you click on it. :smile2:

Oh good, I was afraid it would be too small to read!!:biggrin2: Thank you!!

[blunthead]

It's okay--it enlarges when you click on it. :smile2:...:cool2:

[champ1966]

It's okay--it enlarges when you click on it. :smile2:

As the bishop said to the actress :wink2:

[Sundrop]

15458

[cat in a bag]

These are from my 10 year old son yesterday--

How do you get Lady Gaga to quit singing? Poker Face

How does Lady Gaga like her meat? Raw, Raw, Ra-a-aw

[champ1966]

15467

Genius (the guy holding the balloon)

[Anni M]

I don't know what happened to the original Joke thread but for those of you who remember the ones I posted usually came from my Auntie Anna, who passed on the 25th...This is one of her last and I hope that you enjoy it.

Marriage or Relationship
With a Significant Other ...

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
http://ca.mg206.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f34%5f116983%5fAL8lvs4AALK rTF2LPQVKcVxTTyw&pid=2&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...
http://ca.mg206.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f34%5f116983%5fAL8lvs4AALK rTF2LPQVKcVxTTyw&pid=3&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
then adopt a dog
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
http://ca.mg206.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f34%5f116983%5fAL8lvs4AALK rTF2LPQVKcVxTTyw&pid=5&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
..then adopt a dog !

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..
http://ca.mg206.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f34%5f116983%5fAL8lvs4AALK rTF2LPQVKcVxTTyw&pid=6&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
..then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ....
.
.
.
.http://ca.mg206.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f34%5f116983%5fAL8lvs4AALK rTF2LPQVKcVxTTyw&pid=7&fid=PICS%252c%2520CARTOONS%252c&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
..then adopt a cat!

You thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

peace
xxooa

[Moderator]

My condolences, (((Anni))). I'm sure going to miss Auntie Anna's jokes. From all you've said about her over the years, I had the feeling she was one of those people who would light up a room when she entered. :love:

[Spideyman]

My deepest sympathy, Anni. Maybe you could post some of her other jokes, they were so enjoyable and always brought the needed smiles.

[Becks19]

Anni, My condolences on your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours.

[blunthead]

(((((Anni M)))))

[Anni M]

Thank you all very much regarding AA--yes, she was a pistol with a smile as beautiful as our Ms Mod's and when she entered a room, people looked! That's presence!
I did not mean to splash a bummer on the thread, but for my friends here who did remember Auntie and her jokes, I just wanted to share the news.
And she would want us to laugh...
:love:

So~~~~
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?


:smile2:

[cat in a bag]

So sorry to hear, Anni. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

((((Anni))))

[blunthead]

25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

[kingzeppelin]

There was a clown who found himself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the clown wanting him to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered the clown 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the clown could not answer one of his questions, the clown owed him $5, but every time the lawyer could not answer the clown’s question, he’d give the clown $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the clown reluctantly accepted.


The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the clown handed him $5.
Then the clown asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”


Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the clown $50.00.
The clown put the $50 into his pocket without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”


Without saying a word, the clown handed the lawyer $5.

[kingzeppelin]

A clown has just gotten a new sports car. While out driving he accidentally cuts out in front of a big truck, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.
The driver is a huge, mean bully. He gets out and draws a circle and tells the clown to stand in it.
Then he gets out his knife, goes to the clown's car and cuts up the beautiful leather seats.
He turns around and sees the clown smiling.
So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting the clown’s windows and beating his car.
He looks back to see that the clown is now laughing.
He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slashes the clown’s tires.
He turns around and the clown’s laughing so hard, he’s about to fall down.
The bully demands, “What’s so funny?”
The clown says,

“Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”

[marjoriefrum]

Posted these as a contest entry in the Stephen King Trivia contest here: http://www.stephenking.com/forums/group.php?discussionid=511&pp=10&page=84&do=discuss, but since they're jokes, albeit cheesy jokes of the processed variety, I thought I'd post them here for your viewing pleasure (or horror):

1. Knock knock. Who's there? Roont. Roont who? ROONT my favorite first edition of The Gunslinger.

2. Knock knock. Who's there? Ka. Ka who? KA me on my cell if you ever feel like unlocking the door.

3. Knock knock. Who's there? Carrie. Carrie who? CARRIE my box of tampons, will ya? I'm gonna need 'em in the shower.

4. Knock knock. Who's there? Dela. Dela who? DELAware is famous for...uh, famous for...umm... Hell, it must be famous for something.

5. Knock knock. Who's there? Ka-mai. Ka-mai who? KA-MAI psychiatrist! I think I'm Detta Walker.

6. Knock knock. Who's there? Dinh. Dinh who? DINHuh's gonna be at the Dixie Pig tonight.

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Prim. Prim who? PRIM and proper - two words to describe Odetta Holmes.

8. Knock knock. Who's there? Howken. Howken who? HOWKEN Sai King keep us waiting until 2013 for another novel?

9. Knock knock. Who's there? Nineteen. Nineteen who? NINETEENage girls spells trouble. M-O-O-N...that spells trouble.

10. Knock knock. Who's there? Can-toi. Can-toi who? CAN-TOI cymbal-playing monkeys really become possessed?

11. Knock knock. Who's there? Trig. Trig who? TRIGonometry was not one of Tom Cullen's strong subjects in school.

12. *Knock knock. Who's there? Gunna. Gunna who? GUNNA find that unfound door somehow.

13. Knock knock. Who's there? Gan. Gan who? GAN you get me a tissue? I hab a cold.

14. Knock knock. Who's there? Thinnies. Thinnies who? THINNIES are better than fat knees.

15. Knock knock. Who's there? Todash. Todash who? TODASH into an ocean of lobstrosities is beyond insane.

16. Knock knock. Who's there? Captain Trips. Captain Trips who? CAPTAIN TRIPS over something and breaks a vial containing the world's deadliest virus.

17. Knock knock. Who's there? Rose Madder. Rose Madder who? ROSE MADDER'n hell that she finished The Wind through the Keyhole so fast. Now she's gotta wait until 2013.

18. Knock knock. Who's there? Duma Key. Duma Key who? DUMA KEY fit into the lock to save Jake?

19. Knock knock. Who's there? Cockadoodie. Cockadoodie who? COCKADOODIEDOO is the only thing my dumb rooster can say.

[kingzeppelin]

There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."
So God made him 100 times smarter.


The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."
So God made him 1000 times smarter.


The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."


So God made him a woman.

Beep-Beep

[valorie9]

there are these three guys in the woods, and they get cought by a tribe of head hunters.
the head hunters take the guys to their chief. the chief says

"I'll let you go if you each go in the woods and bring me back something to eat."
so they go, and the first guy brings back grapes, the chief says

"I'll let you go if you put each one of those up you're butt."

so he does it and goes. the next guy comes with nuts. the chief tells him to do the same thing. well, each time he would do it he would start laughing. the chief gets tired of it and asks,

"whats so funny?"

the guy replies, "my buddies out there picking pineapples!"

[kingzeppelin]

Forest Gump had a near-death experience that changed him forever. He went horseback riding one day and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness ........ a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out and pulled the plug!

[kingzeppelin]

Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of Earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.


The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle."
Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.


The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an owl."
Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.


The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Oh sh*t ..."

[frisbee]

A physicist was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked "Do you know how fast you were going?" The physicist replied "No, but I know where I am". For you quantum mechanics out there......

[OCSOUTHERNGIRL430]

Knock knock!Who's there?Madame.Madame who?Madame foot's caught in the door!

[kingzeppelin]

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

[kingzeppelin]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!” Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour the mselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.


The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings… It’s Jim.
Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often. ”
Jim repies "Yeah, well there’s just one thing…”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No…. . ”


“Well, DON’T," say's Jim "because I’m in PHOENIX!!!”

[kingzeppelin]

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is set to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later when they get to the camp site they find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.
"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?" I pulled her hands away from my eyes and found she was wearing just a see through nightie. She took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was lit by two dozen candles and rose petals had been strewn all over the bed, which had been fitted with handcuffs and ropes!
She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did, then she said "Now do what ever you want."

So here I am.....!!

[cat in a bag]

:eek2: Boy is he ever going to be in TROUBLE!!! :laugh:

[Out of Order]

:eek2: Boy is he ever going to be in TROUBLE!!! :laugh:


She forgave me after a year or so.............

[kingzeppelin]

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.


"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."


"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."


The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."


"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"


"Of course, my son," said the priest.


The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

[kingzeppelin]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas, leading an old, tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey, old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing, immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass long and slow like you really mean it?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir ... but ... I've always wanted to."

[champ1966]

there are these three guys in the woods, and they get cought by a tribe of head hunters.
the head hunters take the guys to their chief. the chief says

"I'll let you go if you each go in the woods and bring me back something to eat."
so they go, and the first guy brings back grapes, the chief says

"I'll let you go if you put each one of those up you're butt."

so he does it and goes. the next guy comes with nuts. the chief tells him to do the same thing. well, each time he would do it he would start laughing. the chief gets tired of it and asks,

"whats so funny?"

the guy replies, "my buddies out there picking pineapples!"

Lol,here's my longer version of this joke

They take their fruit back to the chief and he says "You need to choose death or Mau Mau"

To which the first guy says "What's Mau Mau?"

The chief replys "We insert 3 pieces of your chosen fruit up your butt"

!st guy "I choose Mau Mau then"

2nd guy "Me too"

3rd guy looks at his pineapples and says "I can't take that,I choose death"

To which the chief says "Ok death by Mau Mau"

[kingzeppelin]

Drugs have a generic name.


Tylenol is acetaminophen.
Advil is Ibuprofen.
Penicillin is amoxycillin.


So what's the generic name for viagra?


Mycoxafailin!

[GNTLGNT]

It's okay--it enlarges when you click on it. :smile2:

...oh if only...

[GNTLGNT]

...a blind man walks into a local grocery with his guide dog...they amble to the center of the store-whereupon the man begins to swing the dog around his head by the leash...the shocked manager scurries over and in an alarmed voice says-"Sir, can I help you?!"...and the blind man replies....."No thanks. I'm just lookin' around.".....

[kingzeppelin]

A young ventriloquist is touring and one night he’s doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb clown jokes when a clown in the 4th row stands up and starts shouting:
“I’ve heard enough of your clown jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype clowns that way?”
“We clowns visit sick children in the hospital. We help make birthday parties fun.”
“It’s guys like you who keep clowns like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as an entertainer.”
“Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only clowns, but anyone who helps children, and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the clown yells,


“You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little guy on your knee.”

[Spideyman]

ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only splenda and sugar.)


TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.




THREE


A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.


'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!


FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!


SIX


A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[champ1966]

I'm not saying Derry's rough,but the last time I was there someone had put up a big banner saying "HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY" "GRANDMA!!!!"

[kingzeppelin]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says.
"I just need to outrun YOU!"

[danie]

15668

[kingzeppelin]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away.

The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three!"

[danie]

You know what you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
You know what you call a dog with no legs? You don't. He wouldn't come anyway.

[Pucker]

Young polar bear comes home from school and he asks his mother:

"Mom . . . am I really a polar bear?"

"Of course you are," she says. "Go do your homework!"

Next day, the young one asks his dad:

"Seriously, dad, are we polar bears? You? Me? Us?"

"Of course we are," his father says. "Eat your dinner!"

This goes on for weeks:

"Am I a polar bear?"
"Are we all polar bears?"
"Are both your parents full-blooded polar bears?"
"Do we, in fact, have untainted polar bear blood?"

Until finally the parents ask:

"Why? Why on earth are you so concerned about your polar-bear heritage?"

To which the young polar bear replies:


"Because I am freezing!"

:wink2:

[kingzeppelin]

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.
"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.


"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."

[blunthead]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_3tfemWm5Y

[blunthead]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvILVPofz7o&feature=related

[kingzeppelin]

Druggist's Bad Day


Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[Sundrop]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital
staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another
round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT
until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....

After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a carnation."

[kingzeppelin]

Why Cats are Better than Men!


A CAT always hits the litterbox.
Better chance of training a CAT.
No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.
You never have to spend time with your CAT's mother.
If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.
A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.
You can de-claw a CAT... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.
You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.
A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness... A man thinks he is.
If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

[kingzeppelin]

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant Dress Size!"

[kingzeppelin]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?


You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *******!

[kingzeppelin]

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. In future someone who had committed adultery would only say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until he died.
Then about a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor very concerned.
The new priest said, "Mayor you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the Mayor could explain, the new priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife has fallen three times this week!"

[champ1966]

Another one for the Brits

My Nan and Grandad were called Pearl and Dean we used to call them Grandma and Grand papa papa papa pa papapa

[kingzeppelin]

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed.
So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got
any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you BEEN?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.
So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there
and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and...

"You God Damn Liar!!! You went BOWLING AGAIN!"

[kingzeppelin]

An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up and everything checked out fine.
Then the old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder and when you are giving him coffee, stir it in and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She looked agitated and embarrassed, and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, Doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Oh yes," the old lady said, "It worked very well. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there, and we made mad passionate love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"


"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again!" :blush:

[kingzeppelin]

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas.
At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms and spending the night with them.
However the first dwarf is very disappointed by his experience as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he can hear his friend shouting ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?".
The first whispers back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection".
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?


I couldn't even get on the BED!"

[kingzeppelin]

Spell Checker


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.


Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.


As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.


I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[champ1966]

I was thinking today about when I used to go to school,and how I used to flick my towel at the smaller kids and point at their genitals while laughing.I've just realisedthat's probably why I got dismissed

[blunthead]

Spell Checker


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.


Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.


As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.


I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Oh no. I can read it! :eek2:

[kingzeppelin]

A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club. She`s 61 but looks good for her age.
On the way back to her house he is thinking to himself mmmm, I bet her daughter is hot, when out of the blue she asks him if he fancies a Sportsmans Double?
"What's that?" he asks, "Its a Mother and Daughter threesome." she says.
"Wow, Yes please!" he says.
So as they go through her front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts.......

Mum are you still awake!!!!

[kingzeppelin]

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building.
It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
“This is a nice place, I haven't been here before,” the first guy says.
“Oh really?” the other replies, “it’s also a very special bar.”
“Why is that?” the first guy asks.
“Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”
“Gee, that’s amazing!” the first guy says.
“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right?
Well, the wind does strange things outside that window.
If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”
“No way, that’s impossible,” the first guy replies.
“Not at all, take a look,” the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man.
He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!
He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
“See, it’s fun. You should try it,” he says.
“Try it, I don’t even believe I saw it!,” the first man shouts.
“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again,” and with that, he steps out the window.
He drops 10…20…30…40…50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and again sails back through the window.
“Give it a try, it’s a blast,” he says.
“Well, what the hell, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says and proceeds to jump out the window.
He falls 10…20…30…40…50…60…70…80…90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.


The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk!"

[kingzeppelin]

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...but I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnecologist. And when you ladies have REAL trouble, it's a... HISterectomy.
So it's all our fault because all of women's problems start with MEN!:down:

[kingzeppelin]

Two cannibals, a Father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
After a while, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one."
"No," said the Father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey Dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the Father said. "We'd all die of heart attacks from all the fat on that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the Father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your Mother!"

[kingzeppelin]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the Doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
When the Doctor next spoke to Morris he said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'


Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''


The Doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!'

[Haunted]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity at least for yourself.

1. Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses
on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars..
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.. Don't
Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do
Something, ask If They Want Fries with that..

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3
Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over
Their Caffeine Addictions,Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk
and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go
out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order
Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends
You Can't Attend Their Party Because
You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM,
Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running
towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For
Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Adult Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy
Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF DEPENDS AT
THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER
AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[kingzeppelin]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her own head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

[kingzeppelin]

BEST DOG STORY EVER!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[kingzeppelin]

DON'T TALK TO MY PARROT
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[cat in a bag]

:rofl: :rofl: Thank you, kingzeppelin!

[Sundrop]

So, last week I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I ended up in intensive care because I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[blunthead]

Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

In high school my daughter was voted most likely to conceive.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

[kingzeppelin]

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
Talented !!!!

[Haunted]

BEST DOG STORY EVER!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

:love:

[Haunted]

So, last week I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, that I ended up in intensive care because I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

:love:

[kingzeppelin]

ONLY IN BRITAIN?:umm:


Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

[blunthead]

Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

[blunthead]

Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

[AnnaMarie]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.








The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog.

[kingzeppelin]

A NEW PET


A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"


A little voice came out of the box: "No need to shout I heard you the first time! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

[blunthead]

Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

George is a radio announcer. When he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

[kingzeppelin]

Dead Duck


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet duck Cuddles on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried, " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"


The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan .............."

[Moderator]

:laugh:

[kingzeppelin]

A Well Planned Life


Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "


" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."


Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"


"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[blunthead]

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

[kingzeppelin]

LUCKY GIRL


A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20---on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully whispered .....











"Clean my house."

[kingzeppelin]

THE JOYS OF GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into it. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding her rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger, hold mouth shut to a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into her mouth. Drop pill under ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and to repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.


9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for data on last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into a fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie cat's front and rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner, push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour half a pint of cold water down throat to wash pill down.


14 . Get spouse to drive you to A & E. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order a new table.


15. Make arrangements to take cat to vet twice a day for shots.

[Haunted]

Unchanging Laws...


1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[not_nadine]

An elderly woman was enjoying a glass of wine while she sat with her husband on the patio.
"I love you so much" she said, "I don't know how I could ever live without you"

"Is that you or the wine talking" inquired her husband of so many years

"It's me talking to the wine" she said.

[Haunted]

An elderly woman was enjoying a glass of wine while she sat with her husband on the patio.
"I love you so much" she said, "I don't know how I could ever live without you"

"Is that you or the wine talking" inquired her husband of so many years

"It's me talking to the wine" she said.


Honestly!!:rofl: fer sure fer sure

[kingzeppelin]

THE INFLATABLE PUPIL


An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day.


Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school.


He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later on in the evening he wakes up in inflatable hospital and sees the headmaster is in the inflatable bed next to him.


Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones :- "You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, ..... you've let yourself down"

[blunthead]

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

[kingzeppelin]

A GOOD CAT JOKE BUT A BAD MOUSE ONE!


A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'


The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.


A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates


About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'


The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'

[blunthead]

At a bus stop a girl wearing a skintight miniskirt realized when the bus arrived that her skirt was too tight for her to be able to reach the first step. She reached back and unzipped her skirt a little, assuming doing so would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Still she could not reach the step. She reached back and unzipped a little more. No good. So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. She still couldn’t reach the step!

Seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up to the first step.

Furious, the girl turned around and said, “How dare you touch me?! You don't know me!”

The man answered, “Well, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were at least friends.”

[Haunted]

At a bus stop a girl wearing a skintight miniskirt realized when the bus arrived that her skirt was too tight for her to be able to reach the first step. She reached back and unzipped her skirt a little, assuming doing so would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Still she could not reach the step. She reached back and unzipped a little more. No good. So she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. She still couldn’t reach the step!

Seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up to the first step.

Furious, the girl turned around and said, “How dare you touch me?! You don't know me!”

The man answered, “Well, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were at least friends.”

:rofl:

[kingzeppelin]

STRESS MANAGEMENT


Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.


You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.


There now, feeling better?

[kingzeppelin]

STRONGEST MAN


The local pub was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing £1,000 bet that no could beat him. The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.
Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge. After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar. Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"


"No" the man replied, "I work for Inland Revenue."

[Haunted]

A paraprosdokian* is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

*Not a real word.

[Haunted]

'S more:

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[kingzeppelin]

Living with the Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that OK with you?
Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
(P.M.T.= Pre-Moonstrual Tension):eyebrow:

[blunthead]

My teenage niece said, "Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?", and walked away.

Anybody heard that one, anybody know the punchline? I'm dying here.

[Moderator]

:rofl:

[kingzeppelin]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one....


A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, put the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "She was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[Moderator]

:laugh:

[Neesy]

I got it and I'm Canadian (but my Mom was Scottish) Och aye

(in reply to the comment about Brits only getting the joke) I forgot to reply "with quote"

[Neesy]

15451

Do it,you'll be surprised :wink2:
I did it - it means "not in a straight or level position e.g. the door was askew" - let me guess - I'm missing something here?:cool2: (of course I used Google.ca - does that make a difference?)

[kingzeppelin]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.


I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.


I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.


I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.


I have also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.


I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.


Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.


One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!


And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!:wink2:

[kingzeppelin]

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to their hotel which was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working so they made a plan.
While they climbed the stairs, for the first 200 stories, Tom would crack jokes.
For the second 200 stories Dick would tell a happy story, and for the last 200 Harry would tell a sad story.

They then started up the steps and after 2 hours and 400 floors it was Harry's turn.
He turned to Tom & Dick and said "OK guys, here's my sad story......


I've left the keys downstairs!

[kingzeppelin]

Ten Dollars is Ten Dollars!

Larry and Anna go to the carnival every year and every year Larry says,"Anna can we ride them stunt airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"
Anna always replies, "We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, over hearing says," Every year I hear you say that you want to fly in my airplane, and every year your girl says it`s too expensive. So I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my Loops & Rolls with you two with me, and neither of you say a word, I`ll give you the ride for free."
Anna and Larry discuss it, and decided to take the deal.They take off, and Tom does all of his aerobatics.

As they are landing Tom calls, "Larry I reckoned that you`d say something after that first loop,but you didn`t!
Larry replied," I almost did say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars!

[blunthead]

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mom's."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

[Haunted]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist.. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[Anni M]

Drafting Guys Over 60


This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...

http://ca.f886.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f4214%5fALLbi2IAAPlQUG NlXgDDKx9PW3s&pid=3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Anni M]

From my uncle who has taken over the family joke forwards from my dear Aunty Anna :laugh:
http://ca.f886.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f12113%5fAM3bi2IAALFXU GWCcQfX6yvG0aY&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to

start on her teeth, he was startled.




"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."


"I know" she answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"

[kingzeppelin]

Why English Teachers Are Important:
The Words in each note are the same. Only the punctuation is changed...:wink2:

Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you
let me be yours?

Maria

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>


Dear Thomas,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have
no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will
you let me be? Yours,

Maria

[kingzeppelin]

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."


From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"

[kingzeppelin]

In New York, a taxi driver and a priest died on the same day. Upon arriving in heaven, the priest sees the taxi driver in line right in front of him. The taxi driver is dressed very sloppily in loud clothes. and he sees St. Peter greet him before giving him a silk robe and a golden staff. The taxi driver enters heaven and it's the priest's turn.
St. Peter greets the priest and gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff. Before entering the kingdom of heaven, the priest asks, "Why have I been given things that are made of much less worthy material whereas that taxi driver got stuff made of valuable material.
I spent my life with the church, whereas that taxi driver just drove people around in New York?"

"In heaven, we reward based on results," came the answer.
"While you were preaching, people were sleeping. While he was driving people were praying for their lives."

[fljoe0]

How about some political humor. First Romney:


"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

And now The Prez:


"On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday a medical marijuana group officially endorsed President Obama for president. Doesn't really help Obama though, because they were just getting around to endorsing him for 2008." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is still reminding people that he inherited this economy. Let me tell you something. If this economy doesn't turn around soon, his inheritance could be cut off in November." –Jay Leno

[nate_watkins]

My teenage niece said, "Do you know how to keep an idiot in suspense?", and walked away.

Anybody heard that one, anybody know the punchline? I'm dying here.

Is there an answer for this one?

[Samantha_]

Lol! That's great. Well, she did walk away ... . ;)

[champ1966]

A farmer in Australia's rooster dies,so he looksn in the local newspaper to see if he can find himself a replacement.He sees an advert in there that says "Rooster for sale,will shag anything" sounds promising,he thinks.

So he phones the guy up and the guy says "you won't find a randier rooster anywhere".So the farmer thinks 'll give it a whirl.

He goes to pick up the rooster in his Landrover.As he gets back to his farm he's no sooner opened the back door before it's off straight in to the chicken coop.All he can hear is hens making weird noises and see feathers flying everywhere.He goes to take a look and the rooster is off again straight into the duck pond accosting every duck in there,and also 2 swans that happen to be in there as well.

Once again the rooster is off again,straight down the road.So the farmer thinks "wow now that is the randiest rooster I've ever seen".Jumps in his Landrover and follows its trail,which is easy to do with all the birds in its path flaked out on the road.

After a few miles he notices a vulture circling in the distance.and as he gets closer he notices the rooster laid in the middle of the road directly below the vulture.He thinks "Oh dear it's shagged itself to death,I don't want the vulture to get it,I'll take it and bury it".

As he goes to pick the rooster up it turns to him and says "go away she's just about to land"

[nate_watkins]

I did it - it means "not in a straight or level position e.g. the door was askew" - let me guess - I'm missing something here?:cool2: (of course I used Google.ca - does that make a difference?)

Not sure if you're being serious, but did you notice how the search results appear on a page that is askew?

[kingzeppelin]

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and begins to descend. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing on water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed.
Announcing that in emergency situations, the aircraft was designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.
Just then a passenger gets out if his seat, runs over and starts to open the door.
The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".


"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

[champ1966]

Not sure if you're being serious, but did you notice how the search results appear on a page that is askew?

The guys at google are really enjoying themselves of late.Google "completely wrong" and click on "images" :wink2:

[champ1966]

An old man breaks down at the side of the highway in his classic Model T Ford.A guy in a Porsche pulls up in front of him and offers him a tow.So they hook the Ford up to the Porsche and just before they set off the Porsche driver says "If you think I'm driving too fast just flash your lights and I'll slow down".

They set off,and only 300 yards down the road a Ferrari cuts up the Porsche.so the Porsche driver gives chase.

2 cops are sat at the side of the road eating their lunch.One cop turns to the other and says "Did you just see that Porsche and Ferrari racing each other?"

To which his partner replied "I was more impressed with the old boy in the Model T Ford up their arses,flashing them to get out of the way"

[champ1966]

Bloke goes in to a barbers and says "I want my hair cutting like David Beckham's" so the barber starts clipping away>after half an hour he gets his mirror out and shows the guy the result,to which the guy shouts "Thats not how David Beckham has his hair.To which the barber replys "It is if he comes in this barber's

[blunthead]

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

[blunthead]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian?

[kingzeppelin]

The Great Writer


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[kingzeppelin]

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking the Lord for all his friends, naming them one by one.
Then he thanked the Lord for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.
Then he began to thank the Lord for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited -- and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his Mother and asked, "If I thank the Lord for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

[kingzeppelin]

Top Ten Reasons why Trick-or-Treating is better than Sex. :ghostface:


10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.


9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.


8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.


7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.


6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.


5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.


4. If you wear a Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.


3. It doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.


2. Less guilt the next morning.


1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

[champ1966]

16422

[cat in a bag]

16422

:rofl:

[kingzeppelin]

Three girls walk into a bar; a brunette, a red head and a green haired girl.

The bar tender asks the brunette how she keeps her hair so brown.
The brunette combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural it's natural.

Then the bar tender asks the red head how she keeps her hair so red.
She combs her hands through her hair and says, "It's natural, it's natural.


Then he asks the green haired girl how she keeps her hair so green.
She sneezes into her hands, combs her hands through her hair and says, "Its natural, its natural.":barf:

[kingzeppelin]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

[kingzeppelin]

A Captain on his ship is called to the bridge by his No 2 telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The Captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The No 2 runs without question to get the Captains red coat, and prepares for battle.
After their victory the No 2 asks the Captain why he wanted his red coat.

The Captain tells his No 2 "If I were shot the men would not be able to tell I was bleeding and would keep fighting."
The No 2 thought this was a courageous notion.

The next day the No 2 came to the Captain, "Sir! Sir! There are 20 enemy ships on the horizon shall I get your red coat!"

The Captain was stunned, he turned to his No 2 and said "No, bring me my brown trousers!"

[kingzeppelin]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

[kingzeppelin]

ICE CREAM PARLOUR

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a Banana Split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed Nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[kingzeppelin]

Santa's Bad Day

One particular Christmas Season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the Reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a Little Angel with a great Christmas Tree.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the Little Angel on top of the Christmas Tree.

[kingzeppelin]

Tragedy begets Comedy

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something "Christmassy".
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

The third man answered "They're Carol's."

[Anni M]

The first man married a woman from Houston, Texas . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from South Carolina. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from CANADA . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he did not see anything, the second day he did not see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[not_nadine]

:laugh:

[kingzeppelin]

A few days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the night at their grandparent’s house.
When it was time to go to bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
“Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope.”
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”


“I know” he replied, “But Grandma is!”

[blunthead]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example the other day Mary, my wife, and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

We went up to him, and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?". He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him an *******. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn-out tires. So Mary called him a ********. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first, then started writing two more tickets.

This went on for twenty minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he would write.

Then our bus arrived, we got on it and went home.

We make life interesting now that we're retired.

[kingzeppelin]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife.
The store manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter.
The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; “Silent Night, Holy Night.”
The husband is very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts to sing “Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way.”
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately.
He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot’s special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night.” He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of “Jingle Bells.”
The wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead.
With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing – Chet’s nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

[kingzeppelin]

The Office Party


John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the President of the Company, right to his face."
"He's an a$$hole," John said. "Pi$$ on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

[kingzeppelin]

Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for very long.
So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal.


He then engaged the help of his sweetheart’s younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate item; and off they went shopping together.
Billy eventually bought a pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same store.
However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.


Without thinking to check the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note :


‘I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!


All my love.


Billy’
:oops:

[kingzeppelin]

Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.


Doctor: "Hi Santa, what seems to be the problem?"
Santa: "Well Doc I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!"
Doctor:" Well Santa your in luck because I’ve got just the cream for that!"

[blunthead]

The Most Interesting Man in the World

...if he regifted, it would be a much better gift.

[kingzeppelin]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper.....
He sold his soul to Santa?:devil:

[kingzeppelin]

It was coming up to Christmas and John asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus.
But John, having just played a vital role in his School Nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus.
John went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.'
But he wasn't very happy when he read it over.
So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.'
He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either.
He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.'
He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach.
After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden.
He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed.
Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your Mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

[Autumn Gust]

What are Santa's helpers called? Subordinate clauses.

[kingzeppelin]

Last year Father Christmas was forced to have an Official from the Aviation Authority check his sleigh to make sure it was airworthy. The Official checked out the sleigh on the ground then sat beside Father Christmas for a Test Flight.
Suddenly Father Christmas noticed that the Official had a revolver in his pocket.
‘What the heck is that for?’ he asked. ‘You’re not a hijacker are you?’
‘No,’ replied the Official. ‘But we have to see how this craft handles if you lose an engine on take-off.!’


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

[Autumn Gust]

Why does Santa wear pink underwear?

He's a man. He does all of his laundry in one load.

[kingzeppelin]

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly


God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference

[Moderator]

:laugh:

[kingzeppelin]

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.
Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.
There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

[champ1966]

Two farmers are out in the field working and one turns to the other and asks him if he knows the time.The second farmer turns and cups the nearest bull's testicles and lifts them up "It's 5 past 12 lets have some lunch".

A few hours later the farmer says "what time is it now?" and again the 2nd farmer lifts the bulls testicles and says "It's 3.15,lets have a drink"

Again a few hours later the farmer asks the time once more,and once again the 2nd farmer lifts the bulls testicles and says "it's 5.20,lets call it a day"

The first farmer says "that's amazing,how do you do it?"

To which the 2nd farmer says "when I lift the testicles,I can see the village clock"

[kingzeppelin]

Lecture Tour with A Difference.

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

[blunthead]

Insults, vol 1

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go... - Oscar Wilde

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily. - Charles, Count Talleyrand

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating

He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.. - Oscar Wilde

He had delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: If you were my husband I'd give you poison.
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

[blunthead]

A man's wife is finishing showering when the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel, runs downstairs and opens the door. There's Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she's able to say a word, he says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

She thinks for a moment, then drops her towel. After a few seconds Bob hands her $800, then leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel.

Her husband comes downstairs and asks, "Who was that?".

"It was Bob, the next door neighbor", she answers.

He asks, "Did Bob say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

[blunthead]

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively, "You've got great hair!". The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say, "You're a handsome man!". He looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

The voice said, "What a stud you are!". The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.

The bartender said, "Oh, it's the nuts. They're complimentary."

[blunthead]

Insults, vol 2

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
Disraeli: "That depends, Sir, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it. - Moses Hadas

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. - Mark Twain

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial. - Irvin S. Cobb

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one.
Winston Churchill, in response: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one.

[kingzeppelin]

A Romantic New Year's Day Story

A married couple had been out shopping for most of the day. Suddenly the wife realised that her husband had "disappeared". Somewhat irate she called her husband's mobile and demanded, 'Where are you?'
Her Husband repied: 'Darling, do you remember that little jewellery shop where you saw that beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it but I didn't have the money at that time and I said "Darling it'll be yours one day."'

The wife tremulously replied, 'Yes, I do remember that my love.'

Husband, 'Well I'm in the Pub next to that shop.'

[champ1966]

2 old men sat next to a roaring fire in a pub.First guy says " Thats a nice dog you've got there.What do you call him?"

The 2nd guy replied "Blacksmith"

First guy "That's a weird name,why do you call him that?"

2nd guy "When I pull this red hot poker out of the fire and go towards him.watch him make a bolt for the door"

[blunthead]

Roommate Notes 1

Dear Evan,

My parents are coming today. Can you please wear pants all day?

Thanx,

Ryan
____________

Ashley is passed-out naked on the bathroom floor. Please check on her occasionally. Thank you.
____________

Eric,

I had sex on your bed. Sorry about that. Don't use your pillow.

- Matt
____________

Dear Gary,

I have been feeling really dirty lately. Please do me.

Love,

Dishes

[kingzeppelin]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.

I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband.
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[blunthead]

Roommate Notes 2

Dear Mitch,

You left me alone and undefended. Alas, I am no more.

Love,

The Cookies
_______________

Fun Fact of the Day! Quiet sex can be fun too!
_______________

This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a fridge. You can't REFRIGERATE TOAST!
_______________

[Q:] These yogurts expired July 24. Today is Aug 12. What should we do?
[A:] Run for our lives.

[kingzeppelin]

The poor country Pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the Pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"


"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

[Smush]

3 Brits were discussing the meaning of "sophistication". The first Brit says, "A man goes up to his bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, quietly closes the door and goes back downstairs. That, to me, is the epitome of sophistication."

The second Brit says, "A man goes up to his bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says, "Oh, I beg pardon, DO carry on," and goes back downstairs. That, to me, is the epitome of sophistication."

The third Brit says, "A man goes up to this bedroom, finds his wife in bed with another man, says, "Oh, I beg pardon, DO carry on," goes back downstairs, and if that man CAN INDEED CARRY ON, that, to me, is the epitome of sophistication!"

[kingzeppelin]

English is Really Crazy!

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing.
Grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what other language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
:umm:

[kingzeppelin]

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: 'Is this pig?'

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: 'Which end of the fork are you referring to?'

[blunthead]

Signs vol 1


No Witchcraft
KEEP OUT


If Door Does Not Open
DO NOT ENTER


PRIVATE PROPERTY
[oriental writing]
NO TRESPASSING
[oriental writing]
NO DUMPLING
[oriental writing]


WARNING
Fence Treated
With Lubricant

[kingzeppelin]

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep.
The husband takes his wife's hand but she cries, "Don't touch me!"
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead".
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another".
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

[Anni M]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'
The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old ******* what his name is.'
:laugh:

[kingzeppelin]

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So the that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[kingzeppelin]

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?"
“Just a lucky guess,” she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box.
She said that she knew it was candy.
When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”

Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp from a leak.
The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.”
She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no.
Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box.

He said happily, “A puppy!”